In general I try not to, but I'm holding on to some things that I really need to let go - but I can't.
My stepmother has said some really hurtful things to me after my engagement, and since I have to deal with her, I pretend to let it go for the sake of my dad, but they're still stuck in the back of my head, and I'll never have the same relationship with her as I did before because of it.
I'm a forgive but don't forget kind of person, especially when it comes to family.
I had a major run in with H's sister around the time of our wedding, and she said some incredibly hurtful things for no reason at all (other than that she's an AW). We managed to "work things out" so that we are on speaking terms, but I will never trust her again and her words and actions are always in the back of my mind.
Post by melodramatic26 on Aug 8, 2012 8:17:52 GMT -5
depends on who and what the situation is. Most of the time, I think I can eventually let it go.
But similar to you, my ILs have said and done some hurtful things towards me over the past 10 years and I'm just done trying to prentend like I'm over it. I'm not and I'm not going to act like everything is ok.
No- I'm a terrible grudge holder. Which you'd think is a good thing, but sometimes people do things that don't deserve to be forgiven, and I forgive and forget too easily. Perfect example- the shit I put up with from my ex.
I don't really know if that's holding a grudge. Sometimes people show you their true colors and it's best for you to acknowledge that and move forward in that relationship accordingly.
I have been in a similar situation before with family members. I tried to forgive and forget and was burned again, even more badly next time. So, maybe I hold grudges, but it's best for me to hold those people at arm's length now.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I just eliminate a person from my life or thoughts. I just cut them out even if they are still around physically. I don't know that I want to change that actually. It works for me.
I try not to, but I also write people off rather quickly. It's harder for me when their is a required relationship. Like, I know I need to let go of some MIL bs, but it's easier said then done - particularly when the events I'm trying to "let go" are illustrative of greater issues.
I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you've proven to be untrustworthy/backstabbing more than once, then I definitely hold a grudge. I have a hard time forgiving people if I've given them several chances. I've been burned by people I thought were close friends, so I'm careful of who to trust.
Do you have the type of relationship with her that you can sit down and talk with her about it? To try and get the bad feelings out of the way?
I'm sorry that she upset you.
And to answer your question, I try hard to not hold grudges also. But there are some things I just cannot let go of.
We have talked, and on the surface, its ok. But it is an act on my part, because she will never understand why what she said is wrong, and it would be pointless to make her understand, and just cause more problems.
I posted back "on the site that shall not be named" about it, but basically when I got engaged and set my wedding date, she was PISSED that it was 3 months before my step sister's wedding (her daughter) and thought I was stealing stepsister's thunder and because it is my second marriage, I should wait and let my stepsister have the spotlight. Basically for the first 2 months of my engagement she made me feel like a piece of shit.
When in reality, the two weddings are completely unrelated, I'm not inviting and extended family (since it is my second) so the guest list is different, we are 10 years apart so our friends are different, and oh yeah, we also live in different states, 5 hours apart. So stepmother never really could explain how, exactly, i was stealing anyone's thunder.
She just wanted to be a bitch about it. I can't forget any of that. My wedding is important to me and my fiance, no matter if it is my first, second, or one millionth.
I just eliminate a person from my life or thoughts. I just cut them out even if they are still around physically. I don't know that I want to change that actually. It works for me.
I've eliminated people from my life, but they still plague my thoughts. How do you do it??
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I just eliminate a person from my life or thoughts. I just cut them out even if they are still around physically. I don't know that I want to change that actually. It works for me.
I've eliminated people from my life, but they still plague my thoughts. How do you do it??
I just push them out of my mind until they don't come in again. I think this was a coping mechanism I developed through my parent's multiple marriages and divorces.
I just eliminate a person from my life or thoughts. I just cut them out even if they are still around physically. I don't know that I want to change that actually. It works for me.
I've eliminated people from my life, but they still plague my thoughts. How do you do it??
Kit - I can completely understand why you would be upset in that situation.
Personally, I would try to let it go since it was related to your wedding and that's a one-time event. People are crazy when it comes to weddings.
Like PPs have said, keep it in the back of your mind but try to not let it affect your relationship, especially since it could affect your relationship with your dad as well.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
It depends on what the grudge is about. Most minor things I'm able to let go with a little time, but my dad had an epic meltdown and said some really hurtful things this past spring. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over it. If it weren't for wanting to maintain a relationship with my mom, I'd probably never see the man again. But he's part of the package so I tolerate him.
I am kind of with kevin arnold on this one. I define grudge as me actively thinking about an issue and not letting it go from my head. I will forgive your action, or at least accept your apology, and not allow it to actively fester in my head.
But, I will not forget what you did and if this drastically alters our relationship then so be it.
My MIL has flown off the handle and lashed out at either me, DH, or his other family members in front of me far too often for me to think she is emotionally stable or trust worthy. Our relationship reflects the level of trust. I don't consider this a grudge though. Maybe I am playing semantics and just kidding myself- if so, I hold a grudge to the death.
Post by birdistheword on Aug 8, 2012 11:43:54 GMT -5
I'm incapable of holding grudges. I'm probably way too forgiving, but it's so exhausting being pissed off at someone all the time. My H is an epic grudge-holder. His inability to let things go annoys me, and my forgiving nature sometimes annoys him.
I think you can "get over" something and still remember it. I mean, you had a fabulous wedding where you married the love of your life, and she cannot take that from you.
That being said, you learned something about her that you really didn't like. And you don't have to forget that she showed you exactly who she was and it was not what you want in a friend. "Getting over" something is different than "pretending you didn't learn something" if that makes any sense.
It depends. If the person apologizes when they have hurt me or "wronged me" then I try my best to let it go. If they do not acknowledge their actions at all then I am done. Even if they apologize though it's almost like I am keeping a tally in my head and I treat them with more caution. I am also careful as to what I will share with them going forward.
I've eliminated people from my life, but they still plague my thoughts. How do you do it??
I just push them out of my mind until they don't come in again. I think this was a coping mechanism I developed through my parent's multiple marriages and divorces.
Post by daisyheadmaizie on Aug 8, 2012 12:01:50 GMT -5
I remember everything, but I make an effort to move on and get past whatever it is. I used to be a grudge holder, but found that it really only caused me stress and worry. So, it wasn't worth it, and I didn't like the person it was making me.
It depends. I try not to hold on to things that require my energy or that are damaging to me (anger, guilt). I'm in no way vindictive BUT
If you cross me, I cut you out lol. My batshit SIL pulled some shit with me and while I can separate my feelings about her as my H's sister and my daughter's aunt from my feeling about her as a person, she is out as far as I'm concerned.
You don't get to fuck with me and then benefit from my friendship and loyalty. I've released my feelings about what she did to me but I won't put myself in a position to let it happen again.