Article: Being a SAHM is not a job

[Deleted]

time.com/3744467/being-a-stay-at-home-mother-is-not-a-job/?xid=tcoshare

Being a Stay-at-Home Mother Is Not a Job
Liz Pardue Schultz / xoJane @xojanedotcom March 13, 2015

I was able to do nothing but focus on giving my daughter the best early years at home that I could provide. That was a gift. Not a career.

Alright, calm down. Before you get angry, you should know that I was a stay-at-home mother of my daughter for five years. I proudly made that choice, too, so I’m not speaking out of ignorance/anger/first-wave-feminist desire to put women down for their decision to parent from home.

And I definitely understand where the desire to complain about being a stay-at-home parent like it’s more rigorous than some lousy 9 to 5 comes from. I lived it. It was really hard. I was lonely a lot. There were many days I wanted to call in sick.

I also understand a stay-at-homer wanting to validate her or his life choice by calling it a “job.” We get a lot of grief from academics and professionals, and we’re very often belittled by our society for not contributing anything “valuable.” There’s a sense that we need to defend ourselves against a culture that wants to make us feel inferior or useless because of the way we’re spending our time, but trying to argue its worth by identifying it as something identical to a full-time career isn’t helping the cause. If you’re proud of how you’re living your life, there’s no need to rephrase it to make it more palatable to those who don’t agree with its worth.

Sure, parenting is hard work, but so is going camping or throwing a party for a friend; I don’t go around calling those things my “jobs.” And FUN FACT: While there are obviously labor-intensive tasks involved with running a household like cleaning and cooking, those are things every person has to do (or pay someone else to do) regardless of their status as parents, and they don’t define our life’s work.

Obviously, staying at home and taking care of people in lieu of working for wages is a valued lifestyle, but it is not a “career”; people who retire early to care for their elderly parents don’t suddenly tell everyone they’ve gone into the health care profession. Choosing to care for your own small child is no different.

Statistically, it’s unbelievable that I was able to afford being a SAHM at all. I found out I was pregnant three months into a relationship with a guy I’d met our senior year of college. I wasn’t the type who ever wanted children, but the minute I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep her. Never mind that I was still living with my parents after moving back in with them during a mental breakdown my sophomore year at an out-of-state university four years prior. Never mind that I was only employed 15-ish hours per week and was due to graduate a few weeks later with a BA in English. Nope! We were havin’ a baby!

The wonderful, unassuming young man with whom I was about to take this ill-advised journey had earned his way through college as the Art Director for the student magazine, and he was able to start working a full-time, professional job literally two days after we graduated from college in May 2007. I started working part-time as an administrative assistant, but I was upfront about being pregnant and knew that I wouldn’t be able to stay on after having my daughter, especially because my pregnancy was rough on my health from the start.

After I gave birth, I worked part-time while my mother watched her free-of-charge, and for the first couple years, we participated in the government’s Women, Infants and Children (WIC) program, which helped provide tons of nutritious groceries for myself while I was pregnant and nursing, then later when my little girl was eating solid foods. Once my partner had moved to a more profitable job, we were able to quit the program, and I kept working freelance writing and acting gigs here and there. We survived the 2008 financial crisis (which happened the week we were away getting married all by ourselves, incidentally), and my husband got a new job three hours away from my family.

For a while, I kept plugging away at freelance work when I could find it, but was always confined to staying at home. Ultimately, though, I made the choice not to take the first mediocre full-time job that came along that required me to not be with my daughter in her early years in exchange for a paycheck that would just go back into childcare. We didn’t have any extra money, but I was able to do nothing but focus on giving my daughter the best early years at home that I could provide, and she was happy and healthy. That was a gift. Not a career.

During this era, I tried joining mommy groups and was constantly astounded by how many women reveled in bemoaning our apparently torturous conditions. Don’t get me wrong; it was nice to have people who could empathize with the frustration of existing in a perpetually disheveled state while someone literally screamed in my face a dozen times per day instead of clearly stating her requests. I loved The Feminine Mystique, and I fully understand that mothering isn’t completely fulfilling to most women.

However, the negativity that comes behind SAHMs’ unabashed martyrdom is belittling to the entire parenting community. For example, I listened with real compassion to one woman I befriended who spent a year (and thousands of dollars) on fertilization treatments to conceive her second child, only to begin whining about how much it sucked being pregnant once it finally happened. Other women in that social circle were happy to join in with her complaints; I was quick to leave.


I’d like to say that this was the scene at just one or two of the groups I desperately tried to fit into, but the truth is, for every mother who is happy with her choice to be a stay-at-home mother, there are at least three who are using its tribulations as a means to smugly declare their superiority to anyone within earshot.

“Mothering is the hardest job in the world!” is a phrase I’ve grown to loathe, but only because of the unemployed, self-righteous idiots who love to proclaim it after spending all their energy harping on their children or bitching about their spouse’s ineptitude. The mothers who don’t have time or interest in repeating that overused trope are the ones who recognize that the stay-at-home lifestyle is an incredible freedom they were in no way obligated to participate in, or are actually working to support the children they decided to contribute to society.

No, Stay-at-Home-Mothers, choosing to create your own little person upon whom you’ll spend all your time and energy is a hobby. It is a time-consuming, sanity-deteriorating, life-altering hobby — a lot like a heroin addiction, but with more Thirty-One bags. Whether you call it a “blessing” or a “privilege,” the fact remains that having someone else foot the bill for a lifestyle that only benefits you and your close family is by no means a “job.”

Have some self-respect, own up to your decision, and call it what it is: a lifestyle that is hard but definitely worth the struggle to you. The people out there who actually have jobs will appreciate you much more if you’re not going around whining about a way of life that is most parents’ dream.

[smock]

For example, I listened with real compassion to one woman I befriended who spent a year (and thousands of dollars) on fertilization treatments to conceive her second child, only to begin whining about how much it sucked being pregnant once it finally happened. Other women in that social circle were happy to join in with her complaints; I was quick to leave.

Yeah. No.

[Deleted]

LOL. I posted without comment because I am still deciding what I think about this, but the two responses so far pretty much sum up my main thoughts.

[demelza]

I love being a SAHM, and see staying home as something I worked and saved towards, and feel lucky to be able to do.

I think I do see the "its a job" martyring stuff from women who can't necessarily afford to work outside the home or aren't college educated. Perhaps they don't enjoy it or aren't suited to it but feel stuck and tied down to the children.

[kershnic]

I mean, I kind of hate calling SAH parenting a "job." But I also kind of hate this author. And pretty much all authors who write about this subject.

[demelza]

Anyone who could afford childcare but SAH and is martyring about it is stupid imo.

[ssmjlm]

[Deleted]

I think the analogy to camping or throwing a party is bullshit. I think parenting can be approached in a methodical, goal- and growth-oriented way, much like a career. Obviously it isn't the same thing as a traditional career, but it's also not necessarily just keeping the kids alive all day either. I know I put a lot of thought into parenting and always trying to improve myself as a parent, doing research and reading books and problem-solving. It's an active and long-term endeavor, not like planning a one-time event.

FWIW I am kinda a SAHM but I also have my own business and work at home so I sort of straddle that fence.

[Deleted]

But that's the thing page. Parenting is work, but does that make it a job? Am I just a part time parent if I go get paid somewhere else, or do I have TWO full-time jobs? It gets silly really fast. Yes, being a good parent/wife/daughter/party planner/camper takes effort and can be approached seriously. That doesn't make it a career.

[turtletop90]

Mar 16, 2015 14:08:56 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

My thoughts as I read through.

"Yes! ..."

"Okay, but why does all this need to be written.."

"Wait a minute, a woman can't complain about how much pregnancy sucks because she had tttc?..."

"Well, aren't you the world's best SAHM?"

"Oh wait, my bad, world's best mom, period."

"WTF is your problem, lady?? Get a grip!"
 

lol

you captured my thoughts exactly. lol

[laurack]

zzzzzzz another boring wall of text about how being a mom is hard/easy/something else nobody cares about

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 14:18:13 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

But that's the thing page. Parenting is work, but does that make it a job? Am I just a part time parent if I go get paid somewhere else, or do I have TWO full-time jobs? It gets silly really fast. Yes, being a good parent/wife/daughter/party planner/camper takes effort and can be approached seriously. That doesn't make it a career.

i didn't say it is. I said it's not like throwing a party.

[teatimefor2]

I read that a couple days ago. I am a SAHM.

I'm so tried about people writing about this topic. And I'm side-eyeing some of her choices too.

Bottom-line: everyone in life wants to feel what they do in life has value. Being a SAHP makes that harder to quantify. I think that's were the 'job' description comes from. I take being a SAHP seriously: I come up with educational activities, art crafts, read about discipline, etc. But it's not my job,

It's my role as mom. Which is a role what all those with children enjoy.

[Deleted]

I don't know. I mean, does that make being a nanny or an au pair not a job? Or an at home DCP? Where do you draw the line? I'm sure no one would call SAHM a career though. Semantics!

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 14:27:20 GMT -5 page said:

Mar 16, 2015 14:18:13 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

But that's the thing page. Parenting is work, but does that make it a job? Am I just a part time parent if I go get paid somewhere else, or do I have TWO full-time jobs? It gets silly really fast. Yes, being a good parent/wife/daughter/party planner/camper takes effort and can be approached seriously. That doesn't make it a career.

i didn't say it is. I said it's not like throwing a party.

Well, no shit. I wish it was like throwing a party.

I don't exactly agree with this piece or disagree with it. She's the usual "why would I like you, again?" kind of "writer".

[teatimefor2]

Mar 16, 2015 14:30:13 GMT -5 swizz said:

Mar 16, 2015 14:27:57 GMT -5 teatimefor2 said:

I read that a couple days ago. I am a SAHM.

I'm so tried about people writing about this topic. And I'm side-eyeing some of her choices too.

Bottom-line: everyone is life wants to feel what they do in life as value. Being a SAHP makes that harder to quantify. I think that's were the 'job' description comes from. I take being a SAHP seriously: I come up with educational activities, art crafts, read about discipline, etc. But it's not my job,

It's my role as mom. Which is a role what all those with children enjoy.

This is where I'm at too. When it's not a job, then I'm what? Unemployed? It's like you have to be with a "real" job or you're pulling everyone else down.

Trust I'm not putting Swizz Household CEO on my resume, lolol.

I will add when I moved back to the US, our former bank asked what I did as I was collecting two big checks. I said I'm a SAHM and the clerk responded ' your unemployed.'

That pissed me off. I'm not unemployed as I'm not seeking work. I'm not collecting unemployment. It actually pissed me off so much that we switched banks.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 14:31:01 GMT -5 @republicrat said:

I don't know. I mean, does that make being a nanny or an au pair not a job? Or an at home DCP? Where do you draw the line? I'm sure no one would call SAHM a career though. Semantics!

If someone pays you, it's a job.

That's really the simple way to know if you have a job or a hobby. "Hobby business" is sort of the gray area, but very few parents find themselves in this troubling place. And really, I put being a parent more on the level of being a spouse. It's about having family and not being an awful person. That's why I take care of my kids as well as I can, not because I shoehorn them in between book club and yoga.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 14:31:07 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Mar 16, 2015 14:15:39 GMT -5 page said:

I think the analogy to camping or throwing a party is bullshit. I think parenting can be approached in a methodical, goal- and growth-oriented way, much like a career. Obviously it isn't the same thing as a traditional career, but it's also not necessarily just keeping the kids alive all day either. I know I put a lot of thought into parenting and always trying to improve myself as a parent, doing research and reading books and problem-solving. It's an active and long-term endeavor, not like planning a one-time event.

FWIW I am kinda a SAHM but I also have my own business and work at home so I sort of straddle that fence.

I don't disagree with you exactly, but like token said, lots of parents who work full time also approach parenting like this. They have fewer daytime hours with the kids, but still spend time and energy on enriching their kids lives and bringing them up to be responsible adults.

you guys are misunderstanding me. I am saying that parenting, by anybody, not limited to working parents or stay-at-home parents, can be approached in a rigorous and businesslike manner. It is stupid to say that it is like doing the work of throwing a party, because at least for most conscientious parents, it is not.

[Deleted]

My husband is an amazing and conscientious parent who works 50+ hours a week. Of course having a conscientious approach to parenting is not limited to those who stay at home. And for what it's worth, I do not consider taking care of my children to be a career.

[Deleted]

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD I WORK ON PARTIES, PAGE.

Okay, well, not how hard I work on parties, because I don't GAF, but some people do put on parties like it's a job. I don't really get those people.

[Deleted]

I hate these articles.

[nessness]

Mar 16, 2015 14:33:04 GMT -5 teatimefor2 said:

Mar 16, 2015 14:30:13 GMT -5 swizz said:

This is where I'm at too. When it's not a job, then I'm what? Unemployed? It's like you have to be with a "real" job or you're pulling everyone else down.

Trust I'm not putting Swizz Household CEO on my resume, lolol.

I will add when I moved back to the US, our former bank asked what I did as I was collecting two big checks. I said I'm a SAHM and the clerk responded ' your unemployed.'

That pissed me off. I'm not unemployed as I'm not seeking work. I'm not collecting unemployment. It actually pissed me off so much that we switched banks.

On the flip side, I once told a doctor I was unemployed and she responded with, 'so you're a housewife.' I was looking for work after finishing my Master's and was NOT happy with that.

[lillaguma]

I read this earlier this month when it was published on XO Jane. Obviously Time helped her edit things up a bit, because it used to be even worse:

"Sure, parenting is hard work, but so is going camping or throwing a party for a friend or having sex with someone I love; I don’t go around calling those things my “jobs.” "

www.xojane.com/issues/being-a-stay-at-home-mom-is-not-a-job?utm_source=FBPAGE&utm_medium=post&utm_campaign=Issues

I just remember reading that and thinking - wait...now the difficult parts of motherhood are being compared to having sex? Granted, my baby isn't here yet, so maybe I'm completely off-base in thinking that parenting my daughter is going to be a different type of hard work than having sex with someone I love.

Anyhow, I think this is a whole semantics issue which is just so stupid and beat to death.

Also - people need to complain sometimes. I complain about my job to my husband. I chose to take this job. I like it the majority of the time. I'm glad he doesn't just tell me that I chose to take this job and it might be a struggle sometimes but I need to shut up about it. Stay at home moms should get to complain too. It's hard work. I think no matter what your situation is there will be days that are hard.

[SJ]

The only thing I feel like saying about this is that I agree with her in that I hate when people whine about the natural and logical consequences of their CHOICES.

I do know SAHM's who publicly whine about being broke. To me, this is a natural consequence of their choice not to have a paying job. Plus, it's tacky to whine about your lack of money on social media.

I don't care if people work or don't work. I just have no tolerance for whining.

ETA: FWIW I don't consider being a SAHM a "job". But that doesn't mean it isn't a completely valid life path and choice for many mothers & fathers. OF COURSE IT IS.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 14:34:09 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Mar 16, 2015 14:31:01 GMT -5 @republicrat said:

I don't know. I mean, does that make being a nanny or an au pair not a job? Or an at home DCP? Where do you draw the line? I'm sure no one would call SAHM a career though. Semantics!

If someone pays you, it's a job.

That's really the simple way to know if you have a job or a hobby. "Hobby business" is sort of the gray area, but very few parents find themselves in this troubling place. And really, I put being a parent more on the level of being a spouse. It's about having family and not being an awful person. That's why I take care of my kids as well as I can, not because I shoehorn them in between book club and yoga.

gotcha. also LOL at shoehorn between book club and yoga

[matildasun]

Why is it a job if a nanny does it, but not a job if I do it? I get paid, it just happens to be in grocery money.
I don't complain about it, and I don't think it is all that hard, but during the day I do the work of childcare, just like any daycare provider.

[SJ]

Mar 16, 2015 14:49:04 GMT -5 matildasun said:

Why is it a job if a nanny does it, but not a job if I do it? I get just happen paid in grocery money.
I don't complain about it, and I don't think it is all that hard, but during the day I do the work of childcare, just like any daycare provider.

I think @littlemoxie covered this extremely well with her barista example.

[Deleted]

Why am I not a hooker if I both have sex and receive gifts/grocery money from my husband?

[kershnic]

Mar 16, 2015 14:44:26 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Mar 16, 2015 14:32:59 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

You get paid to do those things. Like the difference between caring for your sick mom vs being a home healthcare worker.

Maybe you can call it a volunteer position.

Once I read a book about parenting twins.  It basically said they're not twins, they're siblings who happen to be born on the same day.  Ok, fair point about the need for twins to be treated as independent kids.  But you know what?  In English we have a word for the concept of "siblings who gestated together and [usually] happen to be born on the same day."  Twins.  

Can we just call it being a stay at home parent and not argue about whether it's a "job" or a "career" or "being unemployed"?

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 14:54:04 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Why am I not a hooker if I both have sex and receive gifts/grocery money from my husband?

now I know I have successfully stirred the pot here