your story?

[Deleted]

I'm fairly new here and maybe someone can point me to an old post.  I'm curious about everyone's story - how did you end up here on Starting Over (how long were you together/married, when divorced, what happened, etc).

I've been married 1 time - we dated 3 years and were married over 9.  No kids.  We filed 02/2015 and it was final a month later.   I bought my own place and moved out; we're still living in the same city and we're amicable and still talk once a week or so.   We were basically living like roommates for probably 6+ years - no passion, separate interests, rarely spent time together or had serious talks.  We tried therapy to not avail. 

[jojoandleo]

I was engaged to a man who lived a double life. Literally. He went by another name and everything. He was on Adult Friend Finder and made up some of the most ridiculous lies EVER. I will never understand why. Once I wised up (which I regret it took a year), I got the fuck out of there. He moved in another girl a week later. A girl he apparently told I was his ROOMMATE.

It ended a million years ago and he is really a blip on my radar now. I found him at a low point in my life (father relapsed with alcoholism, health issues of my own, just graduated and had no idea WTF I wanted to do with my life) and moved WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too fast.

I am now married. I actually met MH after leaving XFI. I probably met him too soon after. People on here would have side eyed me hardcore. I love the girls here, though. IN their various walks of life. I love that we have people in every phase to dole out advice. I also love that people can give tough love without being straight up cruel for no reason. I'm probably an SO lifer.

[Deleted]

Let's see I was married in 2007. I left in 2010. He's straight up nuts and still sometimes calls me. His emotional abuse made things pretty hard on me for a while. I moved from Seattle back to Oregon to be close with my friends and family.

I've been pretty much single with the expection of a two, two month relationships. I've had some pretty horrible dating experiences (some of which I can accept some responsbility for, others which I think have been really bad luck). I'm sort of on a hiatus now and hoping that at some point I find out what it's like to fall in love, still waiting on that one.

[formerlyak]

I was married for 8 years when I found out that ex had an email account I didn't know about that he had been using to communication with a female co-worker. A month before I found the account (not by snooping but because I asked him if I could log in to his regular account to get some information about a bill I needed to pay from our joint account and there was a "welcome to your new gmail account" email sitting at the top of his inbox), I had a miscarriage and thought it odd that this girl called 4 times while I was in the hospital. He said she was just concerned and wanted to help get work off his plate so he didn't have to worry about it. Knowing what I know now, I don't think that is why she kept calling. Once I found the secret email account I logged in to it and saw the only info in it was contact info for this same girl. Ex made up a bunch of stories about why that was and then deleted the account.

We agreed to work on our marriage but a month later he never came home from work, wouldn't answer my calls or texts and when he finally came home at 3 the next morning drunk as a skunk, said he wanted a divorce.

Papers were filed within the month and we were legally divorced 6 months after that. We had one son together. I have primary physical custody of him and es has him Wednesdays and every other weekend.

A year to the day after ex said he wanted a divorce, I was matched with my now husband on eHarmony. We have been together almost 5 years now, married for 2 years next month. We have a son together (honeymoon baby). DH and my son from my first marriage get along wonderfully and ds1 is so excited that he finally gets to be a big brother.

[abcdefu]

I was married at 19, separated at 22, and divorced at 24. Ex-h was physically and emotionally abusive. I got a p/o against him after he tried to run me off the road after his cousin tried to run me off the highway the week before. Ex-h ended up going back to his country after the p/o and now has many warrants for his arrest here, so I doubt I will ever see him again. We didn't have any children, thank god!

PS: It's a pain in the ass to get divorced and to serve the other party when they are living in a different continent.

[Emerald1486]

XH and I dated 6 months before getting engaged (already knew each other for 2 years), married 2 1/2 years after that.
I was 5 months pregnant when I found out he was having an affair with a friend of mine. We tried to work it out for the sake of our son, but we just couldn't between his cheating and my bipolar. DS was a month old when we separated, which was just before our 2 year anniversary. Divorce was final about 8 months after we separated (3 months after I filed). Now, 3 years later, we get along a lot better than we did. In hindsight, we never should have married. We are much better friends than spouses.
I am dating a guy who I've known for a couple years as a friend and it's going well.

[1confused1]

Married for 8 years, 2 kids. Separated on and off for 2 years and then I finally pulled the plug in 2012 and kicked him out for good. We have had a very, very nasty divorce that will likely go on for the rest of my life. We are technically divorced but he owes me lots of money, I have a restraining order against him and he has supervised visitation with the kids.

I think he has un-diagnosed mental health issues, coupled with drug use, he has made some very poor decisions that ultimately ended our marriage and continues to affect his life.

[sweetchix]

Married almost 7 years when I filed for divorce. I realized I wasn't happy and that we never should have gotten married. He wasn't a bad person, and is a good father to our 2 DDs, but we weren't right for each other. And I realize now how controlling he was with our money. My personal credit card debt was climbing while he paid his off every month. It was never "our" money, (even thought we had a joint account, everything was listed separately on a spreadsheet he kept) there was a clear separation and when I should have just over drafted our account and done the same since 90% of the debt I incurred was household or family purchases because our "joint" account was low.

Anyway, divorced 2 years now. He kept our house while I moved to another town with a better school district. Still waiting on the freakin' QDRO to go through (should have been sent to the judge this week). Had to take him to court over splitting childcare costs. But, other than anything financial (with exception to support/maintenance payments, which he pays on time) we now seem to work together pretty well when it comes to coparenting.

[tevagirl]

Xh completely bind sided me saying he was filling for divorce in March of 2014. We had been married just shy of 5 years, dated for 4 years before we got married.We have a daughter who is 2.5 now. Divorce was final in December of 2014, I ended up being the one to file because he's a putz.

I suspected that he was seeing someone else because he refused to even try counseling or anything else. I confirmed the cheating after we were divorced at a child support hearing when he brought the other woman. He claims they ate getting married and he's moving to the state she currently resides in. So far that hasn't happened and he doesn't tell me anything, I found out about these plans from the county attorney at the child support hearing.

[bg]

We've been separated for a while now, after a couple of very stressful years. He filed for divorce last year at the same time he said he'd give things one last try. We're in couples and individual therapy. He's now working on his anxiety issues and communication but it's very slow going. I'm working on focusing on my own work/life now and not getting caught up in his issues. My next step is to find an apartment so I can finish my dissertation and start working again!!!

Eta: technically married 11 years next week. No kids.

[katieido]

This is Hella long.
I was married for seven years, we have a daughter. We separated one year ago but are not divorced yet. He has been in another state since last summer. The two years or so before we separated were very difficult- instability including job losses, cross country moves. My ex has a confluence of mental health issues that had been present in some less severe form before but mostly started getting very out of control in 2012 after we moved to the west coast. He was unemployed the whole time, and became consumed with ED, depression, anxiety, and drank excessively. Then i was laid off again, he went to the er/72 hour psych hold, treatment for ed... i was really committed to trying to be his rock, and help him through. after a couple months we moved closer to family, and he was in a new treatment. .. but just kept spiralling and the drinking and lying got worse, blacking out, rage spirals, then he destroyed my car driving drunk, had to spend a few weeks in County jail, then when his mom bailed him out a week later he drank to unconsciousness so I sent him to rehab. I went to friends and family talk sessions with his counselor and the concepts of codependency, and establishing healthy boundaries (and the lack of them in our relationship) finally sunk in. He just would not stop, and I realized how much more peaceful it was when he was gone. and I finally detached. I joined al anon. The dysfunction had been too much to handle, home life was far too volatile for our daughter with him there. I definitely wasn't getting my needs met in our marriage and was a wreck. I asked him to leave, but he was unable to move out right away. Then He left without saying goodbye to our daughter on father's day morning (we had spent the night at my sister's) and was promptly committed again when he reached his parents'.

So. A year separated. Money/real estate/his situation have been primary factors in not being divorced yet, but it will happen. Have not dated. I occasionally have compulsively dabbled in Internet dating but truly after about a week I become soooo irritated and sickened that I deactivate. Clearly not ready. Life as a single mom is hectic but a lot less horrible than before. I feel overall happy and have a reasonable mix of work and play. We have fun. Right now I'm concerned the permanence of my job, I do well but I'm in a 2yr contract position that ends in September and due to the intense competing for permanent positions in my department I'm starting looking for plan b in case I'm not hired on.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Married for 6 1/2 years, dated for 6 before we got married which in hindsight we should have never done ! He was 2-3 years into substance abuse recovery when we met - lived as a functional addict (owned his own business that earned a healthy profit) for about 15 years before he was reunited w meth. 4 72hr psych holds + an unwillingness to kick it + emotional/verbal/physical abuse spelled the end

We separated just after our DD turned 4 (2013) when I got a TRO that covered both her and myself. I filed for divorce a year later after I was granted a criminal protective order bc he couldn't abide by the RO. I'm hoping to have my divorce final by the end of the year.

I've got 100% legal and physical custody and he has zero custody/visitation. Is it hard being 'on' 24/7 yes but it's worth it for dd to have a normal life !

[Deleted]

Hi!

My ex & I were together for 8 years, married 4 before we separated. He became an emotionally abusive asshole the last 2 years. We tried counseling for a year, but I finally had enough and left.

The only interesting part of my story is that the same time I decided to leave I was in the midst of moving to South Africa. This was in 2012...time flies! I lived over there until 2014 and didn't file for divorce until moved back, so the divorce was just finalized a few months ago.

I dated around and then had a serious boyfriend in SA, but it didn't work out due to the distance. I'm now in another great relationship and could not be happier with my life overall and remind myself on a regular basis how lucky I am that I found the courage to leave my ex.

[bl]

Ex and I started dating in 2004, married in April 2010 separated in Nov 2013 and divorced in 2014.

We met when we were 15 and started dating when we were 18. Things were never really horribly bad, but they weren't great around 2012 and we did some counseling, things got better for a while. By late 2013 they were really blah again, neither of us were really happy, back to counseling we went. He swore he just wanted to have some time apart because he had never been alone as an adult, the counselor and I asked repeatedly if there was someone else and he said no, we agreed to a separation. 3 days before he was supposed to move out he posted a woman crush wednesday on instagram (he thought I wasn't following him anymore) about the love of his life (not me). I filed for divorce the next day.

We were actually very civil and friendly throughout the divorce, minus a couple arguments. In hindsight we definitely weren't happy and just not the right people for each other at all as we grew up we most definitely grew into very different people. We should have seen it before we got married, but we didn't, and it doesn't excuse his shitty behavior. He now lives in a different city with the new gf and I moved from Texas to Florida for work in October of last year.

[brooke77]

I'm also new here =)

Together 10 years, married about 5, recently separated. The marriage was unhappy for years but neither of us are confrontational people. He is a good person, but we lacked attraction, spark, common interests... For the last year we barely spoke or were in the same room together. I was very lonely. Separation/Divorce will be hard, but I think we will both be much better off with other people. We are very mismatched as a couple.

[cam13]

We were together for 13 years (high school sweethearts), married for 6, when we split in 2012. Divorce wasn't final until over a year later due to us disagreeing over finances and him being a total jerk. The marriage had been bad for a while, he had become increasingly manipulative and controlling. My Dad died in Dec. 2011 and two months later was the breaking point and when XH told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was hardcore grieving and in therapy but we stuck it out and moved back to our hometown, where he ditched me in a house we had built and split.

I eventually found out he had left me for his co-worker and he is still with her. Someone actually mailed me pictures of the two of them together, ugh. I now live with my boyfriend, who I met on OKC.

Divorce ended up being the best thing for me. I took control of my own life, opened 2 businesses, reconnected with old friends, got healthy, went on adventures, and ended up happier than I've ever been. It took me a couple of months to stop drinking a lot and to stop crying all the time though! But now I'm actually grateful that my marriage ended.

[Deleted]

XH and I were married about 3.5 years before we separated (just short of 4 years by the time the divorce was finalized). We dated for about 4.5 years before we got married. Our marriage had a lot of issues, that can mostly be summed up by saying he was a narcissist who thought he had a right to do whatever he wanted regardless of how I felt about it. We fought a lot, he was verbally and borderline physically abusive when we fought, and he lied about a lot of things, including money and having 2 emotional affairs. The second time I found out about an emotional affair, I was done with our marriage. In hindsight I should have ended things much sooner, but I'm happy with how things ended because it made it easier to walk away knowing there was nothing left to fight for.

I've been separated for almost 2.5 years now.

I met someone about 8.5 months after my separation and we're still together - we actually live together and we're really happy. He's so much fun and so wonderful in ways I never thought I'd get to experience when I was married. I feel very lucky that I have gotten this second chance at getting it right because I was missing out on so much of the good stuff of a relationship when I was with my XH.

[quietmind]

I'm new here too, but here's my story. My H and I were together for 20 years, married for 15. A couple of years ago he decided to leave his job in law enforcement, where he'd been 17 years, and go to nursing school. I fully supported him. He started cheating on me with a girl in his class. I stuck with him for over a year and a half trying to work it out. I finally made him leave 4 months ago. We have two kids. My daughter is 14 and my son is 4. He's manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive, and controlling. I've met with a lawyer once for consultation. I meet with her again next week to start my divorce proceedings.

[wampuscat]

Met XH in 2006. We got married in 2010. He was extremely abusive in every way possible, but I just couldn't leave him. He had major back surgery after we got married which led to him becoming addicted to pain killers (while also abusing Xanax and pretty much any prescription pill he could find) and also an alcoholic. He refused to work, blew all of the money I earned on pills from drug dealers, beer, and cigarettes. The abuse steadily got worse and in Oct of 2013, he hit me while I was holding our 10 month old son. That was it. Done. I had him arrested, got a restraining order, and filed for divorce. It took over a year for the divorce to become final because he contested it. As of May 1st of this year, we are officially divorced!

[riverpestie]

Married in Jan. 2006 and married for 16 months before X decided to leave (May 2007). He told his family that he divorced me because I "hugged my dogs more than I hugged him." 
Annnnnyway. He picked an attorney that drug his feet, and the divorce wasn't final until Feb. 1, 2008. 
I stayed single for about 4+ years or so and had one long term bf before getting with the guy I am engaged to now. 

[prettipenny]

I mostly lurk but I will share.
XH and I met when we were just 19, got married at 24. We were married 7 years and I honestly did not enjoy being married. I always felt like we met when we were kids and then I grew up, but he stayed the same. I think I always stuck with it hoping that one day he would mature and be the partner I really needed/wanted.
When I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter he told me out of the blue that he wanted a divorce. I knew neither of us were as happy as we should be, but this really shocked me. Turned out he was cheating with a girl he worked with. Double shock!
I still hate what he did, but I am so much happier now. I always say that I am happy with the way things worked out but just not the way they happened. I hate what he did but I also know I never would have had the courage to walk away and seek more on my own. We get along really well now and I think we do a good job co-parenting.

ETA- We separated 2 years ago and our divorce was finalized earlier this year. 

[GilliC]

Short version: Married 8 years. Split up 4 years ago. LDR for over 3 years.

Long version:

I got married too young and too soon. I was 23, and we'd been dating for less than a year, but it was so much different from all the times I'd dated before, and people always said "When you know, you know." (Those people are wrong.)

We argued a lot from the beginning, and I was often depressed. Even suicidally depressed. But I believed that marriage was hard work, so we didn't give up and stuck it out for 8 years. He refused to go to counseling, so I went on my own a few times. We would argue bitterly, and then eventually we'd come to an agreement and solve the problem. And then something else would come up, and this would happen again.

Eventually, on some ordinary non-descript day when I was sitting on the sofa, I realized that I still had at least half of my life ahead of me, and I thought about whether I wanted to spend it the same way I'd spent the last eight. I did not. So I decided to start over before I wasted any more time.

I did the legwork to find a local couples counselor, and then I gave him an ultimatum. Counseling or separation. He chose separation. We decided on a trial separation and set a date four months later to discuss a final decision. We were both so much happier in those four months that we agreed to split up.

The split was very amicable, and we're still friends. He has been seeing the same girl since (slightly before) we split up, and they just had a baby (It's pretty cute). I ended up dating a guy in Brazil, and he moved to a nearby city about 2 years ago. We plan to move in together in 2-3 years when his current job contract ends.

[Wanderista]

I've never actually been married. I ended up on this board because I'd had a recent bad break up at the time and also I was looking for more of a "single" board which I could relate to better. I've lived overseas actually several times. I dated a lot in college but not very seriously. I played the field and was commitmentphobic. I was genuinely shocked when acquaintances started marrying off. My longest college relationships were with an Italian soccer/football player (for a professional team playing for a small Belgian city) and an aloof older British FWB who looked a lot like Pierce Brosnan. I also had a passionate fling with a British accountant/rock music photographer, I was way more obsessed with that one than I should have been. There were some others as well.

I then took a break before getting into a long term relationship with an American writer/film critic who is about 6 yrs older than me. I felt like I "should" date him seriously. Really though, the whole thing was very bad. We do get along now much better as friends and he lives across the country. I then had an intense but ultimately unhealthy relationship with an Eastern European musician who suffers from severe mental illness and had an incredibly bleak childhood. I thought I could "save" him. Yeah, no. Bad idea. There was a lot of gaslighting and he really didn't take personal responsibility for his life. We do not speak at all now. It was heartbreaking and really changed me emotionally. I started to rethink my understanding of love, emotions and relationships. I think that I emerged from the healing as a much more mature person.

I'm now happily dating a Jewish lawyer who is a little younger than me. It's the most stable relationship that I've been in so far. Who knows exactly what will happen but the trajectory is good. He is very logical and straight-laced. He's also a very nice and easygoing person. I can honestly say that I am more sustainably happy than I have ever been.

[mysterons]

Married in 2007. Divorced in 2012. We were more roommates/friends. We didn't have a strong attraction or spark. I was very comfortable in the relationship - the unhappiness became normal. He became distant a year before he told me wanted a divorce. It really devastated me to hear those words, but it was the right thing to do. The divorce was pretty amicable. I moved far far away to be closer to my family again. I really like my new life. I've had two relationships since then. Currently single and hoping to find a nice guy. I'm not in a hurry to get remarried.

[redredwine]

XH and I met when I was 19, fell madly in love and then he dumped me out of the blue just before I turned 21. He got married to someone shortly after, I moved on and it was all for the better. At 24, he called me up out of the blue, said he had always been madly in love with me, moved back to my state to be with me and we were married a little over year later. While we loved each other, we were on such different pages of communication styles which made for a very rocky marriage. While we were both uphappy, we got along if that makes sense. I was going to stick it out as long as possible, but low and behold OUT OF THE BLUE (seeing a pattern here?!) he called me up while I was on vacation and said he wanted a divorce and moved out of our condo. Uh, what? I was stunned and shell shocked for a while. Meanwhile, he moved in with a girl 2 weeks later, someone he got to know about 6 weeks previous to announcing the divorce. Awesome. But EH-they're better together than he was with me. She can have him.

That was going on 5 years ago, which is insane. I spent alot of time single and not dating, dated for about a year (online off and on) and eventually met my now H. Life couldn't be better with him but I think we both needed our "less than easy" ex's (he was previously married as well) to get to where we are today. IMO, everything happens for a reason and you take those experiences, even the really crappy ones, to learn from it and make you stronger in the end.

I remember the start of this board, I think the week I was going through the start of my divorce, so it's cool to see some of the "vetrans" move on to great things along the way, but also have new faces that can find comfort knowing they're not alone.

Trust me, it gets better.

[MauMau]

I was married to an emotionally abusive man who would also get physical and or show physical behavior towards me. He also thought he owned my body and would grab at me. Basically sexually assaulting me. He controlled nearly every aspect of my life and if I tried to fight the power I was "sick" and "unstable" I lived in denial and because I had no friends or family in the area not many people could see anything wrong.

He started up his 4th misconduct while I was in the last 4 months of my Uni program. He played it off that he was just chatting with an old friend but I knew it was off. But I was so beaten down and overworked from school in couldn't even do a thing. I was suicidal and barely hanging on when I figured out he wanted a divorce. And even the I was still in denial.

But after a month with my parents, I snooped and found out that two weeks after I left she was there staying over for the weekend. And they were eluding to sexual contact. It was nasty she was married to his fraternity brother. I wished it would of blown up so I could sit back and watch his demise. But it didn't. Drat. It was the wake up call I needed and I have been living forward since.

I filed 6 weeks after I moved out. I hired a lawyer almost immediately. My ex thought he deserved everything in the divorce. He couldn't fathom that marriage created community property and that because my name was not on his account they were his. It took over a year to divorce and settle because he acted like a child. I am happy with the settlement it's within the law and provides me the resources to move forward. If he pays. I'm doubting it. I'm officially divorced now as of Monday.

I've been in weekly therapy to overcome the abuse and to talk through the divorce. I still love with my parents and don't have a full time job. It's been a long road to recovery. I still have nightmares about him. And lots of anxiety.

[jigsy]

I've been here a year! What?!

I met XH when I was 19, we got married 4 years later, then seperated a few months before our 6th anniversary. Nothing was awful, but nothing was great either. I knew we were both unhappy. The end end happened because XH had vacation planned for the first week of April, so I arranged my schedule to also have that time off so we could do something together. Instead, he ended up inviting a friend to visit. I was disappointed, but said oh well, we can all explore the new city we were living in, but XH insisted he wanted "guy time" and I should do something on my own. So I left for a week and visited family.
When I got back, we sat down, I told him something had to change, we either need to work on the marriage or end it. He told me that he didn't want to be married anymore, and that he had felt that way for almost a year, but didn't have the courage to say anything.
I was pretty upset, I always thought I would be the one to end things if that is how it went. I was also angry that XH didn't sack up and say something before I quit the job I loved for a completely different profession so we could spend more time together.

But, in the end, all is well now. We had a good run, most of the time we were happy, but it just wasn't going to last forever because I would never be the person he needed. He has some issues that should be worked on, but never will be. I am happy that I will be able to find someone who will love me for me and not place requirements for that love.

I moved across the country just over a year ago, and have been divorced for 7 months. Had a short lived fling that was meant to be a palate-cleansing ONS, but that ended up lasting about 9 months. I am still trying to move past completely, but I am getting there.

[achase123]

I started on the nest on the getting pregnant board and ended up here after I found out xh was cheating and using meth throughout my pregnancy. We split a month before P was born and divorce was final 1 year later.

It's been 6 years since my divorce and I've learned a lot about myself. I've dated quite a bit but haven't had very many serious relationships. I've been focused on my career and P.

Now I'm in a serious relationship and have been for about 7 months. It's been a good lesson for me to go slowly when I have not heeded this advice in the past!

[Deleted]

We got married Dec 2002 and divorced Nov 2010.  We have an almost 10 yo son (conceived via IVF #1 after a m/c and then MF infertility).  He's been remarried for a while, May 2012 I think.  I've dated but really had only one serious boyfriend, he was 11 years younger than me (and he's married now since Dec 2013).  I'm 40 and have my son full time except in the summer so dating isn't really that easy for me.  Plus I live in Mississippi but am from CT so there's definitely a cultural element as well!  

I just had my dream home built and moved in last August.  I'd really rather live alone right now, things are going so well for us that I wouldn't want to change anything.  My son has autism (high functioning) and ADHD so change isn't really a good thing for him.  Maybe once he's in college I'd be more open to a serious relationship.  I've recently decided not to have more kids (bc of my age) so there's not really a time pressure to meet someone.

[lookforstars]

I haven't posted here much yet, but it helps me to share.

I was married for 5.5 years. Great marriage, great husband. Two kids - a now 4.5 year old and a 9 month old. My marriage "ended" with the sudden death of my husband in a car accident when the baby was just a newborn. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

But, here I am trudging through it. With two little kids, I have no choice.

And I'm sorry - I know my story is different and tragic, but it is mine. I just wanted to share, and thank you all for sharing your stories!