WWYD

[jojoandleo]

So, I got the job! Yay! They asked how much I was seeking, and I told them the exact amount H and I had discussed needing to move there. They gave me that exact amount plus a bonus plan, right? So, I call H. And he is all grumpy and "do what you want" about it. Then he texts me, "Sounds like they are saving money just giving you exactly what you asked for." Okay... maybe I should have said more. BUT, I SUCK at that shit. I never know how to respond. Keep in mind, this is almost 15K more than my base pay now. Add bonuses and it is a good 20K more. I would make enough to support both of us in the LCOL area in solid middle class. BUT, if he worked too, it would push us to upper/upper middle. (anyone in HCOL area would probably still think I make peanuts).

I was so excited and his reaction makes me feel bad. I want to take this job, but now I am unsure he would be willing to move. I don't want to end my marriage over a job. And I feel blind sided because we discussed this! And there are always opportunities for a raise. But, now I feel bad about myself. Like I should have asked for more. UGH!

So, would you take the job? Keep in mind my current job makes me MISERABLE. MISERABLE. Like, I am nauseous every. Single. Morning. due to anxiety.  Keep in mind I do love my husband and want it to work.  So... go!

[calle28]

First, congratulations on the job!! That's awesome. I know how much you have been wanting to leave your current job.

I don't know if this is good advice or not, but what about going back and asking for more. You can say something along the lines of, "Thank you so much for the offer. After more thought and consideration, would you be willing to increase the offer by X amount."

Yeah, you probably should have asked for more, but it's not the end of the world. Sorry your H made you feel bad. I think you should absolutely take the job! Why would your marriage end over you taking the job? Did your H say something else? He'll get over a few thousand dollars.

[Deleted]

I think you should discuss this in person with him If he was on board before, maybe you just caught him at a weird moment or you're reading the tone of his texts incorrectly.

But yes, I think you should take the job given your last paragraph. Unless your H absolutely could not stand moving for your job, I feel like it's better if he's a little unhappy about moving and you're out of a situation where you are VERY unhappy, KWIM? A move is usually something people can adjust to after a while so he might not be unhappy about it forever.

[formerlyak]

From your post I am assuming that when you two discussed it he was all for it? The move that is. If so, I'd tell him his reaction caught you off guard and you were wondering why he reacted that way. Find out if really he doesn't want to move or if he was thinking the number you discussed was a bare minimum and was hoping you'd get more. Remind him how miserable the current job makes you. How far is the new job from your current location? Could he be getting nervous about moving so far?

And congrats on the job!

[CrazyLucky]

Ok, I was very much in your position. My old job was making me physically ill. I hated it. DH and I agreed that I'd look for a new job and so would he. I got the job. He was less enthusiastic about it than I was, but we moved. It took him about three years to find a decent job (this was in the midst of the recession). He went through serious depression. My advice is to really talk to DH, fins out what he is worried about. Does he want to find a job, or would he be ok SAH? Is he worried about the new location?
DH is fine now, likes his job, likes the area well enough. But if we had to do it again, I'm honestly not sure I would. I feel like I traded my misery for his, and if I had known that would be the deal, I don't really think I would have.
I re-read and realize it sounds like I'm telling you to not do it, but I'm not. Just talk to DH and try to sort it out. Good luck!

[MyName]

Congratulations!! Take the job!! You will be making more money AND not want to kill yourself every morning. WTF is the problem??

If he doesn't want to move 1.5 hrs away, you can move somewhere in between. Maybe this is just a knee jerk fear reaction from him about the change and he just needs a little while to process it.

[glynn]

Take the job..... try to talk it out with DH first though.

[Deleted]

CONGRATS!!! His reaction is really weird. But I agree with others to just talk to him about it. But if I were you I'd be super pissed honestly. He should be nothing but excited for you.

[jojoandleo]

Aug 13, 2015 14:36:51 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

From your post I am assuming that when you two discussed it he was all for it? The move that is. If so, I'd tell him his reaction caught you off guard and you were wondering why he reacted that way. Find out if really he doesn't want to move or if he was thinking the number you discussed was a bare minimum and was hoping you'd get more. Remind him how miserable the current job makes you. How far is the new job from your current location? Could he be getting nervous about moving so far?

And congrats on the job!

This is a good approach. Honestly, I think it was a bare minimum and he was hoping I would make more. We once talked about hopefully me one day making enough he could stay home. While this was a 30% pay increase, we could not have our current SOL on my salary alone. However, we could have our current SOL with him just taking on a part-time job. We don't want kids, so it's not like we have to worry about college futures.

I think H is worried about finding a job and was hoping for more. I will get raises. And, I don't know. The salary is pretty average for my job in this area. I do have a friend that makes a good 15K more than I will and I think he was hoping for THAT amount. With what my friend makes and his veterans disability pay, he could be a SAHH.

[jojoandleo]

Aug 13, 2015 15:00:20 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

CONGRATS!!! His reaction is really weird. But I agree with others to just talk to him about it. But if I were you I'd be super pissed honestly. He should be nothing but excited for you.

I was more upset. It made me feel like I did something wrong by not asking for more. BUT, what was I supposed to do? I asked for 15K more than I make now and GOT IT! Yes, I am underpaid at my current job, but 15K more PLUS BONUS is nothing to sneer at, in my opinion. I think he was hoping for more.

I don't know. I have been having a rough time lately of not feeling good enough, so his reaction hurt. I don't think he meant to hurt. I think he really thinks I am worth more and feels I am selling myself low. I think he wants me to go after what I am worth. BUT, I think this move is worth it for my life value.

[bl]

Congrats!!! I would talk to him and find out why the sudden change in his reaction and work through it. I can tell you moving when one partner is not on board or happy is really tough and obviously not something you really want to do, but with how miserable you are in your current job I would say he needs to have a really solid reason why he wouldn't want to move. I hope you guys are able to work through it and you can take this new job!

[glitzyglow]

Congrats!!!

How far would you all have to move for the current job? (In hours per day from where you are now).

[glitzyglow]

I meant to finish my thought but hit post! If it's far maybe he's feeling apprehensive about leaving his job along with friends and his reaction showed that? I'm sorry he wasn't excited for you. You should be very proud; your industry is a tough one for jobs, so you really kicked ass on this one! ❤️

[cuddlyevil]

You need to talk this out with him. His feeling like you deserve more is all well and good, but surely he can see what an opportunity this is for you.

[jojoandleo]

Aug 13, 2015 15:11:36 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

Congrats!!!

How far would you all have to move for the current job? (In hours per day from where you are now).

It's an hour and a half away from where we both work. Two hours from where we live.  (we live in suburbs and MOST of our friends live in the city area.)

[dreamcrisp1]

Congratulations!

Definitely talk it out with him but also definitely take the job. Your current job is a nightmare. He should be ecstatic! Raises will come. It's more pay. I hope he comes around and was maybe having a bad day when you talk in person.

[jigsy]

I think your H put you in a shitty position. You both agreed that you needed to make X to make it worth it, you are making X plus bonus, and now he's making you feel like it's not worth it until you make Y...You did exactly what you both agreed on. Could you have asked for more? Sure...but regardless, you didn't ask for less, and really, you will be making a little more with the bonus.

Anecdote time that is shading my response...

When I was with XH, I was pursuing a pretty big deal career. It would have required living overseas, and not really getting to chose where we lived. Throughout the process, I checked with XH to make sure it was ok, especially when it came to the point where I could go in the real direction I wanted to go (overseas) or in a similar, but not exactly what I wanted direction (live in DC). He said I should do the one I wanted, so I did. And all things were great, I was going through the rigorous process, and halfway through, my application was put on hold thanks to the sequester nonsense. I was told to do XYZ in 6 months to get the process going again after all the political stuff blew over.

Well, when I got this info, I was crushed. And the XH decided this was a great time to tell me that it was a good thing because he decided he wasn't really on board, so I would have had to chose job or him if it came down to it. So with all that info, I never re-pursued it once the 6 month timeframe passed.

And I regret it every fucking day. Maybe it may have never worked out anyways, maybe I would have hated it...the problem is that I will never really know that because I gave up something I wanted to make sure XH was able to be happy. I think we, as women, do it far too often. I mean, the PP post makes me so sad. CrazyLucky basically said she would have preferred to stay miserable in her job to save her H his misery. We always bend over backwards.(Not picking on you Crazy...it's just hitting a nerve!)

So maybe you won't regret not taking this job. Maybe everything will work out ok. But I find it hard to believe that there won't be resentment on your part if you decline the job and have to continue on in your miserable job because your H decided to change the terms after they were agreed on.

Phew...sorry for the rant. Like I said, it hits a nerve.

[jojoandleo]

jigsy-I really feel like if I DON'T take this job, I will regret it. It sounds like a good job for my personality. Even if it's not 90K a year, it will not make me want to kill myself.

[cuddlyevil]

Aug 13, 2015 16:02:47 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

jigsy-I really feel like if I DON'T take this job, I will regret it. It sounds like a good job for my personality. Even if it's not 90K a year, it will not make me want to kill myself.

Given your current situation, I'm sure you'll regret it if you don't take it. Assuming your H knows how miserable you are at work AND that he recognizes this new gig hold much more potential than your current one--he should be more supportive. 

[jojoandleo]

Aug 13, 2015 16:06:04 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Aug 13, 2015 16:02:47 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

jigsy-I really feel like if I DON'T take this job, I will regret it. It sounds like a good job for my personality. Even if it's not 90K a year, it will not make me want to kill myself.

Given your current situation, I'm sure you'll regret it if you don't take it. Assuming your H knows how miserable you are at work AND that he recognizes this new gig hold much more potential than your current one--he should be more supportive. 

To be honest, I don't know if he understands how miserable I am.  He knows I am unhappy and I was looking, but I don't think he knows HOW unhappy. I try not to complain TOO much. Plus, I am pretty sure MH suffers from depression (He was diagnosed with PTSD when he got back from Iraq) and I think he feels I don't understand HIS unhappiness. Which, I probably don't, as I am not him. But I try not to belittle it. I have encouraged him to look for a new job since he hates his, but never been like, "Well, you can't complain if you won't look for a new job." (even though I have wanted to at times, LOL) because I get his feelings of hopelessness. My being a jerk about it won't help.

[Deleted]

Congrats on the job!!  I think you need to talk about it with him more in depth. I know moving is a pain, but it may be a great opportunity that you'll regret not taking. I'm sorry you didn't get the reaction you'd hoped for.  

[jojoandleo]

Also, the person who said women tend to put their SO first (or something like that), I agree. If MH got a job in this city, I would absolutely look for one there and be ready to move. He doesn't have to move in two weeks, or even two months. The house will have to be sold, ya know? That may take a bit. He has plenty of time to look for a job.

[abcdefu]

Congrats on the job!! I'm sorry you didn't get the response you were expecting from your DH. I think you should take the job given how miserable you are at your current job. I hope you caught him at a bad moment in the day and he will come around and be excited!

[winecat]

Ugh. I hope your conversation face to face went better. Congratulations!

[jojoandleo]

So, talking with H- he just kept telling me to do what I wanted to do. Telling me it was my life. I tried to reiterated it was OUR life, but he wouldn't talk real with me. He did say he doesn't know if he wants to move. I asked what would happen if I didn't take the job and he said he doesn't know. So, I told him I'm taking the job. We will work on our house to get it ready to sell. But, if after the 3-6 mints it takes to do that he still DOES NOT WANT TO MOVE, I'll put my resume back out there. I feel this is the best compromise for us.

[Deleted]

I'm glad you are taking it. When will you start? Will you get an apt there? I feel bad that he's not being more supportive. I get that he wants YOU to make the decision on your career because it is your job, however it is a move that affects both of you. I just worry that you'll have relationship stress now instead of work stress.

[bl]

I am so glad you are moving forward with taking the job and I am mad at your H because this should be so exciting and a relief and he's making it not feel like a good situation. I also don't like all the do what you want its your life stuff, no dude its OUR life. I really hope once you start working the new job and he sees the difference it will likely make in your happiness that he will get his ass on board!

[calle28]

Your H is acting really immature right now. I'm sorry he isn't being a supportive husband. You're right it's both of your lives, not just yours. His reaction is pretty disappointing.

What do you mean if after 3-6 months, he still doesn't want to move that you will put your resume back out there?

[jojoandleo]

Aug 14, 2015 8:24:12 GMT -5 calle28 said:

Your H is acting really immature right now. I'm sorry he isn't being a supportive husband. You're right it's both of your lives, not just yours. His reaction is pretty disappointing.

What do you mean if after 3-6 months, he still doesn't want to move that you will put your resume back out there?

I mean if after 3-6 months if he has stopped being a child and decided he WANTS in this marriage, I'll look back in OKC. I feel it's a compromise. I'm not guaranteeing I'll move back. I'm just trying to make everything work.

[jojoandleo]

Aug 14, 2015 7:35:36 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I'm glad you are taking it. When will you start? Will you get an apt there? I feel bad that he's not being more supportive. I get that he wants YOU to make the decision on your career because it is your job, however it is a move that affects both of you. I just worry that you'll have relationship stress now instead of work stress.

Well, we have had relationship stress for a bit now, so, just one less stress with the job. Lol.