XP: how to tell coworker she's dressed inappropriately

[bimbi284]

My boss talked to me yesterday about a coworker who dresses very inappropriately for our setting. He was trying to figure out how to tell her, and I offered to do it because I know he will come across sexist and misogynistic (because he is). I'm new and am sort of her superior, but not really (the "hierarchy" is complicated and unclear).

We do not have a written dress code (or any other written policies for that matter, that's another issue) for me to use to support this.

Basically she wears very tight dresses that are way too short with very high platform heels.

Any advice on how to tell her? We get along pretty well so far, so I would like to try and maintain that.

Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/486561/ncepr-tell-coworker-dressed-inappropriately#ixzz3pJJjLf2j

[callmehales]

i agree with the posters saying you need a written policy. could something be sent out company-wide about dress code, so it's not like you're singling her out (even though she needs it!).

or i'll get DH to make an anonymous email address and send a message about how uncomfortable the club girl makes people, lol

[Deleted]

I dont understand why people do this. Its work, not a club. I think if you are friendly you just need to tell her its a conservative workplace and that was of dressing doesnt reflect that. In order to portray a better look she needs to wear skirts that are to her knee and more appropriate shoes.

This isnt a dress code issue because even if there were a dress code it wouldnt say you cant wear dresses or high shoes.

[majick143]

I can totally relate to this! The management at my last company decided to scrap our business casual policy and go with an 'almost no dress code policy' as long as everyone dressed within reason. They made us form a committee to come up with a paragraph of what was acceptable and what was not. I was nominated as the person to notify someone if they were outside of the norm. There were a few occasions where I had to say something. Thankfully one of them was a good enough friend that I was like 'Hey Girl, Mr. X just came over to me (since I'm the person in charge of this type of thing) and wanted me to ask you to avoid or modify your V neck tops. Apparently he decided I was a good idea to talk to you over your cubicle wall and was scandalized by your cleavage. " She and I had a good laugh about it and she was much more careful from then on. One that didn't do as well was an older lady that wore a black lacy bra under a very sheer tight white T shirt. It was the talk of the office and again I had to say something. I told her that it was brought to my attention anonymously (again since I was the 'fashion police' and not just in passing conversation) that she had on a shirt that was rather sheer and her undergarments were very visible. I said I wasn't sure if she realized and offered to let her find something in the company closet where we had logo shirts and fleeces for trade shows. She was mad mad mad though. So sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

I was sent home from a ultra conservative job after wearing a dress that was the appropriate length and color but cut in a way that was outside of the ultra conservative office policy. It was kind of a mod swing dress, SO CUTE but was considered too fashion forward. I was mortified and cried all the way home to change. Then I was angry. These situations are sensitive. What I learned was to keep it light, friendly and try to incorporate some humor if at all possible.

For me it felt easier to say and probably easier to hear when it's something like 'Hey friend, your dresses and heels are definitely cute and you look great in them but you might want to consider dialing back a little bit for the office. I wouldn't even mention it had it not been brought up in another conversation I had recently and I definitely didn't want your manager to say something because that can be super awkward and embarrassing. I hope you would do the same for me."

However it happens, I wish you luck! You're so kind and considerate that I can't imagine you saying anything bad here.

[majick143]

Oct 22, 2015 10:47:48 GMT -5 callmehales said:

i agree with the posters saying you need a written policy. could something be sent out company-wide about dress code, so it's not like you're singling her out (even though she needs it!).

or i'll get DH to make an anonymous email address and send a message about how uncomfortable the club girl makes people, lol

I agree on this front too. We put together a quick little paragraph that stated the fact that even though we technically do not have a policy on what's acceptable, to use your best judgement and be sure your clothing is in good repair.  Obviously no no's would include provocative\tight\revealing clothing, sloppy sweatpants, cut offs, tube tops, crop tops and club wear.

[kris356]

Ugh, this is a terrible conversation to have.

I had an employee with that was very well endowed and used to wear deep v-necks all the time. She also was fond of "dresses" that I would define as a tunic. Sometimes these "dresses" combined both the low neck and tunic factor. She was also filing in the shop and this required a lot of bending over which meant she was showing the entire shop her goods. Same job, had another employee who wore velour sweat suits to work on the regular, she paired them with men's white undershirts or tanks. Now, we were not formal. Heck, business casual on the best day and all of this pre-dated my arrival. I was a manager, so I definitely dressed more business than business casual. So it was hard to reign them in. And I had no experience since every other dealership I worked in was more formal.

I got lucky and my boss went to company polos for the sales/service/parts dept. I jumped on that and let them order polos, they got to pick the colors and cut. They wore them with jeans or slacks and all was right with the world.

I have had this discussion with a lot of my friends about the things people think are work appropriate. My sister was once sat down because her cube mate made it a habit of wearing sheer tops with animal printed bras and other work inappropriate outfits. Her boss said that someone complained and he was asked to address their attire.

I agree that you may want to work up a dress code/policy and hand it out to everyone. That way your not making it about her.

[bimbi284]

Thanks all!
I'm gonna write up a code and share it with the boss and see what happens.

[magdala]

Oct 22, 2015 10:23:04 GMT -5 bimbi284 said:

Basically she wears very tight dresses that are way too short with very high platform heels.

I have had to do this too many times.  I work in a conservative business suit environment and keep coming across college girls wearing suits with super short skirts that they wear with a tank underneath.  When the jacket is on, it is barely tolerable but it gets warm in the office and the jacket is taken off, it is too much skin.  Here is my usual script:

"People are paying more attention to what you are wearing than to what you are saying.   People paying attention to what you are wearing gets you noticed.  People paying attention to what you are saying gets you promoted.   Which would you prefer?"

[magdala]

Usually I have to have a few heart to hearts with them to modify the attire. It helps if the woman in question is ambitious and wants to be respected.

[fernweh]

Well, a written policy really needs to be put in place. Otherwise it will be near impossible to enforce. Beyond that her supervisor should address the issue, since he is a man he should also have another female in the room (probably you since you volunteered in the first place) to avoid an possible sexual harassment accusations.

[treedimensional]

OMG put it in writing, PLEASE.

CYA.

I had an experience similar to majick143 once, and reading her response brought tears to my eyes.

[sailorgray]

You could just IM someone in your building about the boss asking you to talk to a co-worker and when that co-worker sits at your desk to cover phones while you are at lunch, keep the IM window open for her to see. Lol. Not really, but that's how I found out I ddn't dress professional enough at my first post-college job. It hurt and I was humiliated, but I heeded to be told. I didn't dress provocatively. I just dressed with some (bad) flair in an office where my boss would say that we will know we made it when we own a st. john suit, so...

Anyway, I would have rather she just told me what they wanted us to wear instead of pointing out i was all wrong.

The open IM window was also how I learned I was being fired. I was 22 and, as my 6 year old says, still learning

[majick143]

Oct 26, 2015 20:09:29 GMT -5 treedimensional said:

OMG put it in writing, PLEASE.

CYA.

I had an experience similar to majick143 once, and reading her response brought tears to my eyes.

I feel you! It's really hard to hear someone say your aren't dressed appropriately. 

[bimbi284]

Update: I wrote a policy, and it will be distributed to staff tomorrow. We'll see how that goes, lol.