My mom has got me so frustrated. I've been saying for months that I wanted to come down and help watch my niece when my sister goes into labor. Any everytime we talk about it she just puts it off or says "let's just see what happens." I realize I don't need my mom's permission but I assume the caretaking will take place at her house since my sister's apartment is small and my niece spends a lot of time at my parent's house. Also niece is spending the night whenever my sister goes into labor (or is induced).
Sister is due September 10th but the baby is measuring big and her doctor will induce her on September 5th in the evening (pending availability). I just talked to my sister the other day and she was happy I would come down to help out. But my mom says "why don't you wait until after the baby is born so you can see him/her?" or "I won't even be home." I'm just annoyed. I asked my sister if she thinks I could handle niece for the day and she seemed to think I could. So why is my mother being so annoying?
The only other available caretaker is my dad and I doubt he even knows how to change a diaper. Why won't they just accept my help? I feel like this is just the kid glove infertile treatment and I'm sick of it.
By the by, how often do 22 month olds need diaper changing? How many naps do they take? Do they chill and watch movies?
Post by Willis Jackson on Aug 25, 2012 19:33:43 GMT -5
I'm not sure I understand. Your mom will be babysitting, but you want to babysit alongside her? But she doesn't seem to want you to? Is that what's happening?
How far away are you? Maybe she just doesn't want to have the added stress of planning your visit while doing emergency babysitting/welcoming a new grandchild. I know that I personally hate when someone "helps" me doing something that isn't really a two-person job.
I'm not sure I understand. Your mom will be babysitting, but you want to babysit alongside her? But she doesn't seem to want you to? Is that what's happening?
How far away are you? Maybe she just doesn't want to have the added stress of planning your visit while doing emergency babysitting/welcoming a new grandchild. I know that I personally hate when someone "helps" me doing something that isn't really a two-person job.
No my mom will be at work from 7-3 and she just thinks my dad will watch the baby during that time. I want to come and help my dad. I'm 3.5 hours away.
A 22 month old can have anywhere from 4 to 6 diaper changes a day, rough estimate. Can they chill and watch a movie? Totally depends on the kid. But as a rule of thumb, a 22 month old toddler won't sit still for more than 20 minutes so perhaps playing & watching a movie at the same time is possible. But my son never did this, 10 minutes of screen time and he's done.
The kid likely takes one afternoon nap and needs to be changed every 2-3 hours.
We let DH's dad babysit once. I lined him up for an hour. At our totally baby-proofed house. No diapers. No snacks. No naps. Just keep him alive for an hour.
He called in MIL as soon as she got off work (5 minutes after I left). If your dad is like that... um, they should take your help.
My nephew is about 22 months. We call him the tornado. The kid never stops, especially when he has willing playmates around who aren't his parents. He's pretty exhausting, your dad would probably appreciate the extra set of hands/eyes.
Is it possible that the "let's wait and see what happens" line is really coming from your sister through your mom?
Being in a similar situation...my mom and sister are bugging me regularly about whether I think I'm going to go early or late, whether there's been any progress, how long I want them to stay, and it's driving me nuts because it really does all depend. I imagine my answer were change depending on whether the baby is early or late, if I have to have a c-section, DH's workload at the time, etc. It's just really stressful when people keep trying to make plans around something I have no control over, yet I'm responsible for, KWIM? In my current language, "let's wait and see what happens" roughly translates to "you're stressing me out, leave me alone, we'll figure it out when he gets here." And I feel like I say it to various family members several times a day lately.
I would just try to roll with it the best you can. I realize you want to make plans, but being flexible is probably the most helpful thing you can do.
I'm excited to spend the day with her. Maybe we'll go to the park. Let me look up the park near me so I can see what kind of toys they are. She can go on that rocket ship that goes back and forth, right? It's in a pit of sand. The tiny slide is okay?
How do you know when a diaper needs to be changed? I have literally no sense of smell. Should I just do it once every two hours?
It isnt always poop. I just change it when her bum starts sagging or if she is complaining. I figure a diaper change will give her a break from whatever is bothering her. Pee smell usually happens with a big pee. Can you bring some new books? Or small toys! Wrap them up and that will keep her entertained for a bit. And, your Mom probably doesnt want to put you out. Just say, "i have the day off already so I am coming"
Go & help your Dad. Have your sister write out a DETAILED schedule including what neice eats & when, when she naps & with what kind of aids ( lovey? Paci? White noise?) what is her diaper changing schedule like? Play preferences? Bath & Bedtime routine?
Go & help your Dad. Have your sister write out a DETAILED schedule including what neice eats & when, when she naps & with what kind of aids ( lovey? Paci? White noise?) what is her diaper changing schedule like? Play preferences? Bath & Bedtime routine?
Yeah that's a good idea. I've spent an entire day wrangling her before but I've never been directly in charge so I don't know what her schedule is like.
Go & help your Dad. Have your sister write out a DETAILED schedule including what neice eats & when, when she naps & with what kind of aids ( lovey? Paci? White noise?) what is her diaper changing schedule like? Play preferences? Bath & Bedtime routine?
Yeah that's a good idea. I've spent an entire day wrangling her before but I've never been directly in charge so I don't know what her schedule is like.
And dont feel inadequate because you want a schedule. Anyone (even your Mom) would do better with a detailed schedule. (unless she watches her all the time)
Yeah that's a good idea. I've spent an entire day wrangling her before but I've never been directly in charge so I don't know what her schedule is like.
And dont feel inadequate because you want a schedule. Anyone (even your Mom) would do better with a detailed schedule. (unless she watches her all the time)
I'm a little intimidated because niece is a high energy baby and loves constant stimulation. And she doesn't really like people food. But I'm sure I'll do okay as long as they write everything down.
Maybe we'll go to the park. Let me look up the park near me so I can see what kind of toys they are. She can go on that rocket ship that goes back and forth, right? It's in a pit of sand. The tiny slide is okay?
OK, honestly, you're stressing me out... so is it maybe possible you're stressing out your mom and/or sister with lots of questions like these? I mean, you say you feel comfortable with watching the kid, and that you want to, but you seem to be pretty unfamiliar with the basics. You'd probably be fine, but I do wonder if it's possible that all your questions are causing your mom to defer your offer to help.
This seems so weird to me. I know every family is different, but I could just show up at my parents house at any time, and spend the night (or several)... I've been gone for 15 years, but it's still kinda like my house!
Maybe we'll go to the park. Let me look up the park near me so I can see what kind of toys they are. She can go on that rocket ship that goes back and forth, right? It's in a pit of sand. The tiny slide is okay?
OK, honestly, you're stressing me out... so is it maybe possible you're stressing out your mom and/or sister with lots of questions like these? I mean, you say you feel comfortable with watching the kid, and that you want to, but you seem to be pretty unfamiliar with the basics. You'd probably be fine, but I do wonder if it's possible that all your questions are causing your mom to defer your offer to help.
Yes. This.
I get that you want to be helpful, but if my sister called right now and wanted me to write out detailed instructions on how to care for our pets or house while I'm in labor, I would freak out.
Just let your sister and mom know that you plan to come help when the baby comes, whenever that is, and roll with the punches when the time comes.
Post by fortmyersbride on Aug 25, 2012 20:15:16 GMT -5
Can you ask your dad if he would like the help? Like pp said, maybe your mom doesn't want one more thing to plan.
My mom and 2 sisters flew down to take care of DS when I was induced. It was awesome. They never got tired of DS and someone was available to just bring us things at the hospital. Then my sisters left a day after I came home and my mom stuck around to help out.
My DS would not have sat through a movie at 22 mos, but he also won't really do so at almost 4. Just check with your sister about what she likes to eat, nap times, and comfort items.
Post by hannamaren on Aug 25, 2012 20:17:14 GMT -5
I am leaving my almost 10 mth old with my MIL next weekend and I was planning to leave detailed instructions. It is just one day and night but kids have idiosyncracies. It isnt wrong to ask for a normal day. I wouldnt take her to the park or suggest it. As a Mom, I would worry about my kid in an area of potential danger being cared for by someone who doesnt know the area or my kid.
Post by mollybrown on Aug 25, 2012 20:58:29 GMT -5
I'm not sure I really get it either. It doesn't sound like you know any more about taking care of babies than your dad, so maybe they don't see the point of you coming from 3.5 hours away. Maybe your dad is insulted that you question if he can do it
If you just are excited to come and hang out with your niece, let them know that. They may just not want to inconvenience you if they feel that they have it under control. Maybe you'll get a different response if you just let them know that you want to be there to share in the excitement.
I'm not sure I really get it either. It doesn't sound like you know any more about taking care of babies than your dad, so maybe they don't see the point of you coming from 3.5 hours away. Maybe your dad is insulted that you question if he can do it
If you just are excited to come and hang out with your niece, let them know that. They may just not want to inconvenience you if they feel that they have it under control. Maybe you'll get a different response if you just let them know that you want to be there to share in the excitement.
I used to babysit all the time and I've spent a lot of time with my niece. And in general I'm less afraid of kids than my dad is. But I'm just nervous because I don't know all the particulars of her exact age since I only see her once a month or so. I'll be fine in the moment.
My take is that neither your sister nor your mom want it overly planned
I had so many people excited to help with DD when I was at the end of my pregnancy with DS, but reality is that I didn't really want that much help.
I needed someone who could be somewhat flexible and available, and knew DD well for when I went into labor (sounds like this person is your mom). Beyond that, it was impossible to plan anything. We had DD brought to the hospital as soon as DS was born, and then again later in the day.
It stressed me out to think about all of the well meaning people that wanted to 'help' with DD. When in reality she didn't need her routine changes up anymore than it already was.
If they aren't being receptive to you coming down to help at that point in time, maybe you could offer to do a special aunt/niece date once baby arrives?
My take is that neither your sister nor your mom want it overly planned
I had so many people excited to help with DD when I was at the end of my pregnancy with DS, but reality is that I didn't really want that much help.
I needed someone who could be somewhat flexible and available, and knew DD well for when I went into labor (sounds like this person is your mom). Beyond that, it was impossible to plan anything. We had DD brought to the hospital as soon as DS was born, and then again later in the day.
It stressed me out to think about all of the well meaning people that wanted to 'help' with DD. When in reality she didn't need her routine changes up anymore than it already was.
If they aren't being receptive to you coming down to help at that point in time, maybe you could offer to do a special aunt/niece date once baby arrives?
Now that I'm reading the responses this reaction makes more sense. Everyone and I mean everyone wants this baby to come before September 5th so my little sister will be in town and my mom will be off work. So I don't think anyone is really dealing with what will happen if he/she doesn't.
I guess I'll just hang out and see what they need.
Post by vanillacourage on Aug 25, 2012 23:33:00 GMT -5
You are very sweet to want to help, and I'm sure that your mom and sister appreciate it. But I agree, you would be stressing me out if I were them. I would tell them that your schedule is open from X to Y and to let you know what you can do.
Anecdotally, I know when we had DS2 we wanted my older son to be with his most familiar babysitters, doing normal stuff (vs a ton of special activities) because it was already a weird time for him with being away from us, knowing Mommy was in the (intimidating) hospital and everyone emphasizing to him how much things were changing ("you're a big brother now, how does it feel?!?!" etc)
Anecdotally, I know when we had DS2 we wanted my older son to be with his most familiar babysitters, doing normal stuff (vs a ton of special activities) because it was already a weird time for him with being away from us, knowing Mommy was in the (intimidating) hospital and everyone emphasizing to him how much things were changing ("you're a big brother now, how does it feel?!?!" etc)
Definitely.
I wanted DS to be in his own house, in his own bed, eating familiar foods, etc. I did NOT want him sleeping at someone else's house.
As luck would have it, we left for the hospital at 11a and the sitter brought DS to meet DD right after he woke up from his afternoon nap. They pretty much just ate lunch together and played trains for a bit.
have you flat out asked your mom "why is it that you seem to be discouraging me from coming??? I'm really feeling like I'm not wanted and don't understand what the problem is?".
I think it's silly to keep wondering why, etc.... could be nothing (like others said- not wanting to plan too much) or something she's being stupid about (IF worries, etc).... but i think you need to talk it out.