UPDATED Advice on girls and sensitivity.

[Deleted]

UPDATE AT BOTTOM OF ORIGINAL POST

Ok so I help coach a local youth cheerleading squad. On my squad there are three coaches and six cheerleaders, 2 are 5, 3 are 6, 1 is 8, and 1 is 10. One 5 yr old and one 6 yr old are my girls.

One of the 6 yr olds is a girl with a large mark on her face. I don't know if it is a birthmark or that condition where the skin lightens, like Michael Jackson had.

Her mother has never brought this up with us. There was a scrimmage football game a couple of weeks ago where a couple of the girls, my 6yr old included, commented on the mark. I didn't hear what was said, and no other adult did either. While I don't believe it was anything nasty, I did address it with my daughter and told her we just don't comment on things like that, etc., etc.

It hadn't come back up until practice yesterday. We were practicing cheers, and I asked the girl to call a cheer. She refused. I honestly just assumed he wasn't feeling well and would tell her mom if it was bad enough to not cheer altogether. I moved on to the next girl.

At some point her mother pulled her aside, she started crying. One of the other coaches went to talk to them, and apparently the little girl said some of the other girls are still saying things. The mom said they wouldn't be cheering today, told the other coach they'd talk later, and left.

I grilled my girls. GRILLED. I'm not usually a person to think my kids can't do anything wrong, but I truly believe that they did not say anything to her. And this group really seems like a good group, so if it was one of the other girls, I can't imagine it was meant in a mean way. If she's sensitive about it though, which I imagine she is, I can understand her being upset regardless.

I haven't heard from the other coach yet today to know if she got the full story, but I just don't really know what to do with this. Our next practice is tomorrow. I suggested to the coaches that we let the mom address the girls, explain what the mark is and why her daughter doesn't like to talk about it.

Ack, I didn't sign up for this! I'm not sure what I'm looking for - suggestions on how to handle, how to talk to my own kids about this, how to make this little girl feel more included maybe - she sticks out in other ways as well honestly, and I'm afraid she's uncomfortable in general.

UPDATE - I reached out to the mom. I just have to say, wow! She said they discussed it as a family and did not want to address it any further with us or the squad. They are trying to teach her that words can only hurt if you allow them. She feels the issue is that the girls have not bonded as a team. And she is absolutely right. We are going to try to implement some bonding experiences in practices going forward.

I will naturally still talk to my girls, and I will talk to the other coaches about trying to find an opportunity to talk to the other girls and parents. I get the impression that she doesn't want any more attention drawn to the situation now.

Oh, and to the one poster who questioned earlier why there is a 10 year old cheering with 5 year olds -it's just a mix. The girls in the league range from 4 to 14. They mix them all up. We cheer for the local youth football league, and they try to keep sisters cheering for brothers, etc. It's a little bonkers

[hubes]

I think your girls probably did say something, and they need to apologize.

[angelaa73]

Your girls are lying. Go to the 8 yr ol alone.

[emsumm]

Yeah, if the girl is crying and says the other girls were saying things about her/the mark, I'd believe her.
Maya was born with a hemangioma (it has since been treated and is no longer visible). This is the kind of scenario that made me so upset when we realized.
I'd make sure all the girls, and especially yours, get a huge lesson in sensitivity and respect. And you kinda did sign on for it if you're coaching :/

[Deleted]

I'm curious, when you say my girls are lying, do you mean my squad or my daughters?

I probably should have been more clear in my original post - when I say I grilled my girls, I mean my daughters, not the entire squad. I would never grill someone else's kid.

[angelaa73]

The squad.

[Deleted]

Tamb - mine are 5 and 6. They had no idea what I was talking about, didn't know what was said, at least not yesterday.

The incident from the game a couple of weeks ago that involved my 6 year old, all that was said, or so I hear, was "that girl has a mark on her face".

I'm doing this coaching this more as a favor. They were desperate for coaches. It's been a challenge in more ways than one.

[laptopvixen]

a. Why would you expect her mother to explain anything about her daughter's birthmark or whatever to you in the beginning?

b. I think asking the mother to address the other girls to "explain" things is the worst idea ever, and will be totally humiliating to the girl with the mark.

c. Do you really think the girl with the mark is making this up? And that no one has said anything mean to her at all?

You need to drive it home with your team that everyone is good enough to be on it because of their cheer skills and that this girl's appearance has nothing to do with anything. And that anyone caught making fun of anyone on the team in a mean way will be kicked off the squad.

[Deleted]

Ah ok. Well when I talked to my two, I explained to them that I really needed them to tell me the truth, that I was going to find out eventually, blah blah blah, typical. I did not act mad. I just said I wanted to know why the little girl was upset.

My 5 year old pinky swore me, lol, after giving me a look of utter confusion.

My 6 year old cried because she remembered when I got mad at her for saying something at that game. She really hates when I'm mad at her, so I doubt she'd say something again.

If it turns out that it was one of my two, I certainly won't argue, and I'll handle it, but I did already have a long talk with them last night regardless.

If it was one of the other girls, we'll give her parents the opportunity to talk to her - they all said they'd handle it.

I just feel as though this should have been addressed earlier somehow. Young kids are curious. I'm NOT saying that makes it right, no, but hell, I don't know. I feel bad all around.

[Deleted]

Aug 29, 2012 13:43:02 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Someone said something. Obviously.

I'm not even sure why this is in debate. There is no way that girl would be bawling her eyes out and refusing to cheer if no one had said anything.

Now we can debate whether or not they actually said something the rest of us would agree was full out nasty or not but whatever they said made her feel uncomfortable and left out. It's likely that it was their tone and facial expressions while asking about it that hurt their feelings.

There is no way you should be foisting this off onto the mother of this poor girl. You need to gather up all these girls and explain to them that they hurt her deeply by their conversations and you want them to each individually approach this girl and issue a heartfelt apology. And please explain to them how this is done because mumbling a trite, sorry, while staring down at your shoes does not count.

Neither this girl nor her mother has any duty to explain the girl's condition to them in order to be treated with respect and decency.

[gozf]

This post solidifies my middle school memory of cheerleaders being pure evil.

[gozf]

Anddddd, the squad aren't the only ones who need sensitivity training. JFC.

[Deleted]

And I apologize for the vehemence but this makes me utterly fucking ragey. My brother was born with only two fingers on his left hand. His forefinger had two independent finger bones in it and he had surgery to give him three fingers altogether. So basically his thumb, forefinger, and middle finger.

I'm having flashbacks of watching the way children reacted to him and then watching them get all wide eyed innocent and their parents just stammer around useless while my brother sat there just heartbroken.

[tulip]

Aug 29, 2012 13:43:55 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

a. Why would you expect her mother to explain anything about her daughter's birthmark or whatever to you in the beginning?

b. I think asking the mother to address the other girls to "explain" things is the worst idea ever, and will be totally humiliating to the girl with the mark.

c. Do you really think the girl with the mark is making this up? And that no one has said anything mean to her at all?

You need to drive it home with your team that everyone is good enough to be on it because of their cheer skills and that this girl's appearance has nothing to do with anything. And that anyone caught making fun of anyone on the team in a mean way will be kicked off the squad.

I agree with all of this. I had a scar on my face & you wouldn't believe how badly I was picked on. My parents got me plastic surgery to fix it in middle school because of the torture I endured.

That child's mother doesn't need to explain shit to these kids. All of the squad needs a talking to by the Coach about how questioning someone's appearance is not going to be tolerated.

Also, it sounds like you are not asking your daughters the right questions.

You need to sit down with each one alone & ask what was said or what they overheard ANY one saying about the girls mark. Children are cruel, very cruel, but more so in a pack.

[laptopvixen]

Neither this girl nor her mother has any duty to explain the girl's condition to them in order to be treated with respect and decency.

FREAKIN EXACTLY.

[angelaa73]

Aug 29, 2012 13:51:12 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

And I apologize for the vehemence but this makes me utterly fucking ragey. My brother was born with only two fingers on his left hand. His forefinger had two independent finger bones in it and he had surgery to give him three fingers altogether. So basically his thumb, forefinger, and middle finger.

I'm having flashbacks of watching the way children reacted to him and then watching them get all wide eyed innocent and their parents just stammer around useless while my brother sat there just heartbroken.

Thanks for making me cry. I hate you

[ohiowan]

Talk to the mom. Even if the other coach already has as well. Not grilling her, but really talk to her. Talk to your own girls about hurtful things, even if they weren't involved and talk to the other cheeeaders too, or maybe send home a letter asking the parents to address it.

Fyi- it doesn't get better as they get older. I've had girls arguing/crying over who got a number this year, and that's h.s. Level.

[Deleted]

I'm just tossing ideas out there, I guess. And I wouldn't want her mom to talk about this in front of her, heavens no. It was just a thought.

I still think it is possible that an "innocent" comment was made or even that one of the girls asked her about it rather than something being said in a mean way. Not that anyone should be commenting or inquiring at all.

Hopefully we'll find out the whole story, and I hope she continues to come to practice - I'd hate for her to leave the squad over this. She's a good little cheerleader and seems to enjoy it.

[hubes]

Andplusalso, why is a 10 year old cheering with 5 year olds?

[Deleted]

One doesn't have to be cruel to be hurtful. The bottom line is that these girls were hurtful whether deliberately or intentionally to another girl on her squad. And instead of doing everything you can to combat the behavior and talk to the girls on the squad, you're coming thisclose to accusing the poor girl of being a liar and leaving her mother to do the heavy.

It's ridiculous.

[gozf]

Innocent comments tend not to make children cry and refuse to participate in an activity that they otherwise enjoy.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

Aug 29, 2012 13:39:15 GMT -5 emsumm said:

Yeah, if the girl is crying and says the other girls were saying things about her/the mark, I'd believe her.
Maya was born with a hemangioma (it has since been treated and is no longer visible). This is the kind of scenario that made me so upset when we realized.
I'd make sure all the girls, and especially yours, get a huge lesson in sensitivity and respect. And you kinda did sign on for it if you're coaching :/

This. I grew up with a large mole on my cheek and was teased relentlessly for it. I was stabbed in the face with a pencil once because a girl thought she should "point it out" to me (as if I'd never noticed it before!). If teachers, coaches, and other adults placed in positions of authority had taught sensitivity and respect instead of looking the other way when the teasing was happening my school years would have been a lot different.

[Deleted]

Aug 29, 2012 13:53:52 GMT -5 gozf said:

Innocent comments tend not to make children cry and refuse to participate in an activity that they otherwise enjoy.

I'm thinking more thoughtless than innocent.

Or the kind of kids who were never told it's rude to stare at people who are different because it will hurt their feelings.

[Deleted]

I'm truly sorry if I am coming across as insensitive. I hope that's not the case. I was beyond upset at the idea that my daughters or any of the other girls said anything to her to upset her.

I explained to my daughters that she has a birthmark (for lack of really knowing what it is), something that makes her special, but that she doesn't like to talk about it, and that we have to respect that. I even pointed out how each of them has a birthmark as well, etc.

Coaching is new to me, as is having any responsibility over children other than my own. The idea of reprimanding another woman's child does not sit well, but I can certainly have this discussion with the coaches and other moms.

As for kicking them off the squad, that is not an option, and least not for me. This is one squad in a larger league, and I have no control over that although I'm sure I could take it to the director if necessary.

[hubes]

Aug 29, 2012 13:57:19 GMT -5 @strawberrystar said:

I'm truly sorry if I am coming across as insensitive. I hope that's not the case. I was beyond upset at the idea that my daughters or any of the other girls said anything to her to upset her.

This is why you aren't looking at this objectively. Your girls said something (you admitted in your OP) and now she's lying about it, because she doesn't want you to get mad at her.

Who was supervising these girls if no one heard what was said? Surely they aren't out on the sidelines alone?

[mypunkinpie]

Aug 29, 2012 13:52:16 GMT -5 @strawberrystar said:

I still think it is possible that an "innocent" comment was made or even that one of the girls asked her about it rather than something being said in a mean way. Not that anyone should be commenting or inquiring at all.

It's not innocent if the comment brought her to the point of tears. You're bordering on blaming the victim here.

[Deleted]

You are insensitive, no deliberately so but it baffles my mind (again, I'm biased) that this is seemingly the first opportunity you've taken to deal with this or that all your solutions assume that as long as your kids didn't call this child an ugly buttface then they weren't in the wrong.

I might have to step out. I'm getting livid.

[tulip]

That child knows the difference of an innocent question. I'm sure these sweet, precious girls did no such thing. Right.

That poor child was brought to tears & didn't want to do a cheer because these kids picked on her. I'm sure of it.

I never once felt bad or cried when someone asked me about my scar. But I thought of how ugly, weird & better off dead I'd be when I was tortured over it.

Coach you need to get your squad under control. Don't you have a behavior clause in the contract the parents signed?

[Deleted]

I think some of you aren't seeing that there were two separate incidents here.

The first incident, one of my children was involved, she admitted it, told me what was said, and I dealt with it.

This incident, I don't know who was involved. Neither the mother nor child have said. I don't think my children were the culprits, I don't believe they were, but if I am told otherwise, I will address yet again.

And I didn't address any of this before the first incident because I didn't see it as an issue. My girls are usually pretty good about things like this. Someone said something earlier - along the lines of group mentality. This now is NOT the first time I am addressing it.

And I am not saying that if the comment was "innocent" or thoughtless as another poster put it, that it wasn't wrong. Of course it was wrong. But I don't see an "innocent" comment as bullying. I do feel those are two different things. And now you can skin me alive because I am apparently just going to keep digging a deeper hole.

[PinkSquirrel]

As one of the coaches why have you known this was going on any only talked to your own girls about it? As one of that girls coaches it is your responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen a second time and it sounds like you didn't do much beyond taking to your own girls. That's not ok.

It's not that particular girl or her mother's responsibility to explain anything. The only thing that needs explaining is you talking to all of the kids and making it clear that what has gone on will no longer be tolerated and that they have hurt feelings and need to apologize.