Updated NMMR: My husband wants out

[Deleted]

I just have to write these words out because I don't know what to do. My husband told me last night that he hasn't been happy for months and that we are living as roommates. He said that I don't need him and he has only felt like a rent check. He said that he began talking to a girl a week ago that made him feel more interesting and wanted.

We've been married almost 10 years. We both have our issues, he hurt me and I pulled away 3 years ago and never fully went back. I want to. I feel like I'm begging but I feel like he is gone. He's crying all the time and hugs me, but left last night. We love each other so much we are best friends but I think he's gone. He also said that he wants kids which we had decided not to do. He said he's wanted them for a few months but knew that was a deal breaker. I'm so lost and just want this to work out.

Update: It's over.  He said he would rather have a clean slate with someone else than continue to pay for what happened a few years ago (emotional affair).  He doesn't want to try. 

[phunluvin82]

I'm so sorry. So many hugs.

[formerlyak]

Sorry you are going through this.

The kid thing is a biggie and it is a deal breaker for many couples. If you truly do not want kids and he has decided he does, it might be time to move on. Otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other.

It's hard to let go when you love someone and have been together for as long as you have. I was with my ex for 11 years, married 8 when he told me he was done. He was done because he had a girlfriend who doted on him and I was too busy taking care of our child and being the family breadwinner to make him my top priority. So while the situation was different, I still loved him and didn't want to let go. But I had no choice. And it turned out to be a great thing. I found someone to share my life with that is a much better match for me.

Just remember, if he is truly done, YOU can't make it work by yourself. It takes both parties. That was the hardest part for me. I'd think "but I'm putting in so much effort to make this work" - but he was putting in zero effort. I couldn't do it alone. No one can.

[irene adler]

I"m so sorry. Be kind to yourself

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2016 13:10:08 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Sorry you are going through this.

The kid thing is a biggie and it is a deal breaker for many couples. If you truly do not want kids and he has decided he does, it might be time to move on. Otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other.

It's hard to let go when you love someone and have been together for as long as you have. I was with my ex for 11 years, married 8 when he told me he was done. He was done because he had a girlfriend who doted on him and I was too busy taking care of our child and being the family breadwinner to make him my top priority. So while the situation was different, I still loved him and didn't want to let go. But I had no choice. And it turned out to be a great thing. I found someone to share my life with that is a much better match for me.

Just remember, if he is truly done, YOU can't make it work by yourself. It takes both parties. That was the hardest part for me. I'd think "but I'm putting in so much effort to make this work" - but he was putting in zero effort. I couldn't do it alone. No one can.

Thank you for this. I know I've screwed up in pushing him away, but I feel like there is enough on both sides that we could get through this if we really tried. Honestly, the kid thing has been on my mind too. I was starting to get the idea that maybe I would want them in a couple of years. We just have so much to work on and I don't know if we can do it or if he even wants to.

[konapoppy]

I am sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. The women on Starting Over will likely have some good suggestions for you on things to consider/conversations to have.

[steph96]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you considered individual or couples therapy?

[UnderProtest]

I'm so sorry. Is he completely done or is he willing to go to couples therapy?

[compassrose]

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))

[sfy]

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I don't think I would believe him that he just started talking to another woman a week ago, but perhaps that's not even important at this point. Since you want to work it out, have you asked him whether he would consider counseling?

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2016 13:25:08 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

I'm so sorry. Is he completely done or is he willing to go to couples therapy?

He says that he doesn't know. I think we need both individual and couples but I'm just waiting for him to say that he wants to try.

[mbcdefg]

I'm sorry Please take care of yourself.

You don't have to make any major decisions right now.

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2016 13:28:24 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

I'm sorry Please take care of yourself.

You don't have to make any major decisions right now.

This is where I'm struggling. I just want to know if he's in or out. We live in a 1/1 small apartment and it's not easy to cohabitat.

[UnderProtest]

Mar 1, 2016 13:28:06 GMT -5 @micheleb18 said:

Mar 1, 2016 13:25:08 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

I'm so sorry. Is he completely done or is he willing to go to couples therapy?

He says that he doesn't know. I think we need both individual and couples but I'm just waiting for him to say that he wants to try.

No matter what he does, go to individual therapy yourself.  It sounds like it was a big shock to you and it is always helpful to have a safe place to vent and get advice.  Hugs.

[MrsE]

Big hugs.

[Pom]

I am so sorry. I can only imagine how scary and hard the path ahead seems, but maybe, whatever happens, was meant to be.
Wishing you strength to handle the days before you and all the best to you down the road, however things turn out.

[explorer2001]

First hugs! Take care of yourself.


I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Therapy is very helpful. It can help you sort out how you feel, how to manage the transitions, if this is where you want to be, how to make things work if you both are willing and able to make things work. It has to be both though. One party can't keep a two party contract.

It sounds like you never fully dealt with his previous breach of trust and now you are blaming yourself for that. Hugs. It also sounds like he hasn't been much of a partner or trying to repair things but rather looking for gratification elsewhere. You deserve better than that. Hugs.

Good luck and know we're here for you.

[Deleted]

Hugs. FWIW I think it's extremely cruel for him to just throw this all on you after ten years and not even be open to talking it out in counseling or just the two of you. A few conversations with a new person is always going to be more appealing than the actual ins and outs of a long term relationship.

[genet313]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.   I agree with PPS therapy for both you and DH would be a good first step to see if there is any possibility of reconciliation.

[lys]

I am so sorry this is happening. I highly recommend seeing a lawyer NOW to get advice on your rights & responsibilities as well as how to protect your self under these circumstances. This is not a filing for divorce - this is protection of your finances, and prevents mis steps should a divorce be the future step.
Then, IF you decide to work on the marriage - see a counselor together.
Either way - you should see your own counselor starting now!.
You WILL get thru this.
Wishing you strength.

[laurensmomma]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I agree with PPs that therapy for yourself is going to be very important, regardless of what your H wants to do. Big hugs.

[kore2]

I'm so sorry you're going through this I was the one who left in my marriage. My ex felt like I didn't give us a chance, and I'd felt like I'd been trying for years to no avail.

It seems completely counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do right now is try to give him space. Don't beg or plead. Don't call him crying. There are a lot of articles online about why this works (it's usually called the "no contact" method or something to that effect). When I left, having him crying and begging me to stay only made me pull away more. The rationale behind this is twofold: if you're living your life & picking up the pieces without him, it makes him see you & your relationship in a better light. Not as a burden. Which can rekindle a desire to reconnect. You would think that leaving him alone would cut the tie & make it easier for him, but the opposite is often true. On the other hand, if you don't reconcile, doing this will give you a foundation in place for rebuilding your life. You're living and throwing yourself into hobbies and things.

It's obviously not realistic to expect you to do this instantaneously when you've just been blindsided. Especially if you have no physical distance from him in your home. And you may want to tell me to eff off for suggesting anything. Do what you need to do right now to take care of yourself. You're in the absolute worst of it now I wouldn't wish separation on anyone.

[farfalla2011]

Big hugs. That is so hard. Good luck and know that what ever happens, you will get through it!

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. No decisions need to be made right now. I would really suggest making copies of all of your financial paperwork and keeping them somewhere outside the house, so you can protect yourself. Individual counseling for you would probably be good to help you sort through what you are going through, if you have an employee assistance program, give them a call, they usually offer a couple of free sessions. If you have any thought that he's done more than just talk to this other woman, get tested for STDs, you need to take care of yourself.

[raangoli]

I'm so sorry. Please be kind to yourself.

[alleinesein]

Head over to the SO board. While a few of us hang out here you will find more help if you head over there.

One thing you do need to do is check the laws in your state regarding divorce. Some state require that you to file for a separation and live apart for a set amount of time before you can file for divorce. Each state has different timeline requirements and if you happen to be in a state that requires a ton of hoops to jump through it is better to start the process sooner than later; you always have the option to not follow through with it if you manage to reconcile.

[winnieandwine]

I'm so sorry.

I agree with sfy that his story seems off -- it's like he's reaching for every possible excuse

[cuadrado]

I am so sorry. How devastating.

I would push him to go to couples counseling, even if it is just for the purpose of discussing the situation with a neutral party to give you both some closure. You both might have an easier time being open and honest in that kind of environment compared to trying to discuss this on your own.

I also hate to bring this up at such a painful time but it is highly suspicious that he just "recently" met someone and that has prompted his decision to leave. I went through a divorce last year and found out after my separation that my X had been online dating while we were still together. I was completely shocked and would have never suspected that. Please do everything you can to protect yourself right now and do not give him the benefit of the doubt.

[justjen]

I'm sorry.

[konapoppy]

Just saw your update. I'm sorry