We usually do things together. I am not close with H's family though and if he couldn't make it to something I would not go alone. My family lives far away so it takes both of us the wrangle the dog and DD during the trip and while we are there.
I don't think it makes any sense to make your DD miss out on seeing her friend but in your second example we would probably all go. I don't think it's judge-worthy to divide and conquer though. Do whatever works for you guys.
Both. My H travels a lot on weekends so I'm often taking the kids to stuff by myself. But I'm also the introvert in the family so if he's home and it's appropriate I'll make him take the kids. Sometimes we do things all together.
In the situations you describe, we'd consider splitting for the first one because of the visiting friend. We'd probably all go to the wedding, though. I find lots of things are a pita with kids, we still do them because that's life.
Eta: we do sometimes split but very rarely for family events like this. I take the kids places without dh often and take them away to visit friends or my family.
Yes, we do virtually everything as a family, actually. Not that it works for everyone, and I realize that having 2 kids is vastly different than only having one.
In both of your upcoming situations, all three of us would definitely be going together.
Post by carolinagirl831 on Mar 4, 2016 15:21:50 GMT -5
We often do what you are describing and we also live far away from many family members. Attending out of town events if often easier with just one kid.
I would do exactly what you are doing in those situations. For my sister's baby shower in a few weeks, I'm driving by myself 3 hours each way to avoid having to deal with DS in the car. My family is a little annoyed because it's Easter weekend, but whatever. I imagine with two kids we would divide and conquer more than we do now.
What you are doing makes perfect sense. We would probably divide and conquer in those situations as well.
We usually divide up on the weekdays to get everything done. Our weekends are spent as a family. We try to avoid splitting up on the weekend whenever possible. Most of our social circle travels as a pack as well, so typically we are all together at birthday parties and such.
For the most part we do. But this most recent weekend, I went to a wedding by myself. My kids and DH have never met the cousin who got married, and traveling by myself is SO MUCH EASIER. But anytime we do birthday parties, Christmas, any holiday, we all do that together. I'm not sure if funerals count as family events, but we have not taken the kids to a funeral yet.
In the situations you describe, we'd consider splitting for the first one because of the visiting friend. We'd probably all go to the wedding, though. I find lots of things are a pita with kids, we still do them because that's life.
So "it's life" to inconvenience your children when it's not in their best interest just to make other adults around you happy?
I think what you're doing makes logical sense and I'm guessing that if your families have an issue with it, it's likely because they don't understand the demands of having two children, one of whom is school-aged, and a husband who works crazy hours, plus your freelance career. It would be one thing if you were talking about events an hour away, but for a plane ride, it's much more complicated.
Can you just adopt me? I'm sitting here thinking, "I am close to having an actual nervous breakdown trying to manage everything in my life [without your help], and you want to give me shit about not bringing my older kid to an adult birthday party where there will be no other kids besides her 19-month-old brother?"
andplusalso, yeah, I've decided I suck at being a mother to two kids (at least until other issues in my life get resolved). One at a time in situations like family parties is all I can handle at the moment.
But regardless of my mental state, objectively, I don't think I am being that unreasonable.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You're in the thick of it right now. You aren't going to be able to make everyone happy. So- stop trying. Figure out what works for your little family of 4. YOUR sanity matters here too!
I would say we go to 60 percent of events as a family. I work less than H, so I am almost always available and his family is ... rough..., so he often needs moral support. My family is a bit much for H because they like get togethers multiple times a year, and they expect you to stay for hours, so... I go by myself 40 percent of the time. While H's family is a mess, mine can be overbearing, so I take the kids and go sometimes. I get it. My H came from a family that was spread across the country and not very close. Mine is the exact opposite.
I do get flack because my family likes drama and likes to insinuate that either he doesn't like them, or we aren't getting along. They are also very matriarchal (sister, niece, and mom), so they think I should force him to come regardless of what he has to do, his wishes, etc. I don't agree. He comes when I need him to/when it works out for all of us and that is good for me. I have learned in the last few years to ignore the drama. To be honest, my family trumped H for most of our marriage (8 years), and I now realize that was stupid because... He does count! haha
In the situations you describe, we'd consider splitting for the first one because of the visiting friend. We'd probably all go to the wedding, though. I find lots of things are a pita with kids, we still do them because that's life.
So "it's life" to inconvenience your children when it's not in their best interest just to make other adults around you happy?
No. I don't think taking my child to a family wedding would be inconveniencing them, Though. And I do very little to make other adults happy, j would be doing it because I wanted to.
All of that said - if I had just seen everyone, taking 2 trips that far away back to back probably wouldn't happen for us, if for no other reason than budget. If I was very close to them & didn't want to miss then I'd still go.
I don't think it's black & white.
Eta: if you guys are happy with the split then it doesn't matter what other people think.
I would do the same as you planned. I often travel with just one kid because it is easier or makes logistic sense. For some reason 1 parent and 1 kid is less work sometimes than 2 kids-2 parents.
We're all going to a family wedding that is about a 3 hour drive and while I think it will be a good for all of us to go it is going to be such a pain to plan. We're going to need a hotel for at least one night too. It would be certainly easier for me and my DD to go alone or for both kids to stay at the inlaws of for us to go a couple.
When DS was younger, DH traveled a lot for work. Sometimes with as little as a few hours notice for a couple weeks. There were times when I went to visit my parents at the beach or in FL or even his family in the midwest with just DS or by myself. I went out with out couples friends without him a few times as well. DH has gone to visit his younger brother with DS while I stayed home.
He'll be out to dinner with them tomorrow while I"m in FL visiting my mom in the hospital. DS declined both options even though he's on spring break.
Depends. In both the situations you describe, we'd do it like you've suggested. H took DD1 only to his mom's 70th birthday party (a plane ride away) when DD2 was less than one year old and still nursing. And we OFTEN split up for local events.
No, I'm not killing myself so that all the relatives get to see my kids at every event. We'll all be together at big events and, if some relative wants to see the girls THAT much in between, they can come to us.
Post by asoctoberfalls on Mar 4, 2016 15:59:41 GMT -5
We don't have family events except Christmas and Thanksgiving. We attend those as a family. Things like dinner at grandma and grandpa's aren't considered family events. It's usually me taking DS and DH staying at home.
I don't drive on the highway so mostly we're together. Also my second child is still an adorable little "sleep in the carseat" baby but that's going to change pretty soon. I have, however, taken my eldest on many solo trips on Megabus and Amtrak in his less than three years of life. Once I did Amtrak with both of them alone and that was challenging.
We divide and conquer a lot on regular weekend days though. Usually whoever has more energy takes the toddler out somewhere while the other person gets to laze at home with the baby. Those days are sadly numbered too though.
In the situations you describe, we'd consider splitting for the first one because of the visiting friend. We'd probably all go to the wedding, though. I find lots of things are a pita with kids, we still do them because that's life.
So "it's life" to inconvenience your children when it's not in their best interest just to make other adults around you happy?
This seems really defensive to me. You asked what other people do/would do.
You said in your OP that you were choosing to leave your son at home for your convenience not because of it being in his best interest. That is TOTALLY valid. But the fact is that, yes, sometimes I will inconvenience myself or my kid to make other people happy. I would hope they occasionally do the same for me.
We try to attend things as a family, but sometimes life gets in the way. My parents were both hospitalized over the last few years, and DH stayed home while I took DD. He didn't have the time off to go sit at a hospital for a week or be in a strange town with DD, and he hates hospitals. So I went and DD hung out with her cousin and SIL.
We're negotiating a birthday party for DH's grandma right now. If the suggested date holds, there's no way DD and I could go, so DH would be the family representative. We're trying to get the date moved so we can all go.
We're generally flexible about things. If we can all go, great. If not, divide and conquer
Great if he can make it, but if he's working, he's working.
Same here.
Add me to this team. If DH makes it, it is a pleasant surprise, but I plan on most things being me and the kids.
ETA: and we do the divide and conquer for school events/sports. It is difficult dragging a high maintenance preschooler to something meant for grade schoolers.
We do virtually everything together in those types of situations. DH's sister is getting married later this year in Jamaica and we can't afford to all go. We are considering just DH going, but it seems so weird.
I think dividing for school events, sports, other activities for a specific child is completely different than family events. I would think everyone separates for the former.