We don't and I'm over giving a crap what people say, but still have to deal with the comments. Just wondering if our divide & conquer approach is really all that weird or if my family is just over the top in their expectations.
Two upcoming examples: my SIL is throwing a surprise birthday party for my brother in a couple of weeks. It's a 2-hour drive from here. I'm going with DS and staying overnight. DD will stay here with DH because she has a birthday party to go to the same day AND one of her close friends who moved to Texas will be in town that weekend. This isn't just a casual friend, we visited them in TX last year. DD would be beside herself to be out of town with me that weekend.
Then, one of my cousins is getting married in Florida 2 weeks after that. I am going with DD. DH is staying here with DS. It's a PITA to fly with DS in general, more so to leave on a Friday and come back on Sunday. Plus, what would I do with him during an evening wedding? Hire a sitter? Risk a massive meltdown if I bring him to the wedding? Seems better to just leave him at home with DH and save myself the trouble.
Maybe if everyone was local we could swing attending more events all together, but such is life.
Post by mandapanda18 on Mar 4, 2016 14:27:39 GMT -5
Yes we do. Typically all of us go, or none of us go. There have been very few occassions where I take C somewhere without H and vice versa. Once he went to a family bbq w/out of town extended family without me because I had to work (year-end), but it rarely happens. I flew back to see my Dad when he had his cancer surgery/treatement alone, but these are not family events per se.
Post by Willis Jackson on Mar 4, 2016 14:32:51 GMT -5
Not always. Sometimes it makes sense to divide and conquer. My family completely understands (and many do the same), but DH's family doesn't get it. They don't throw a fit about it though.
When I was a kid my mom always took 2-4 of us kids to my maternal grandparents' house (700 miles away) for a week in the summer while my dad stayed home with 0-2 kids and the dog. It was awesome. We'd get home and find that he had built a treehouse or something.
DH's parents are joined at the hip and never do anything separately.
Post by dulcemariamar on Mar 4, 2016 14:34:13 GMT -5
For family events we all go together. About once a year, I might take DD to visit my in-laws but I find it such a PITA because it basically means solo parenting.
Normally, yes, we attend as a family. Your first example is a unique set of circumstances and I'd likely do the same as you. In the second, we would all go. I would prioritize the kid getting to spend time with out of town relatives (and vice versa) over the convenience of traveling without him. But we don't see our OOT relatives all that often.
For those events I would probably do what you are doing. In general though we do things as a family when we are all available.
This is exactly my answer. I guess I might be more inclined to go to the wedding with everyone, but your answer also makes sense. For the most part we do things all together when we can.
We do 50% or so as a family and divide and conquer on the other 50%. I'm closer to my family, so I want to see them more often. But we also live far away (8h drive is the closest) so take all that with a grain of salt.
Normally, yes, we attend as a family. Your first example is a unique set of circumstances and I'd likely do the same as you. In the second, we would all go. I would prioritize the kid getting to spend time with out of town relatives (and vice versa) over the convenience of traveling without him. But we don't see our OOT relatives all that often.
We were just in Florida two weeks ago and everyone who will be at the wedding saw DS then. Plus there will be some overlap between people at my brother's upcoming birthday party and the wedding as well.
We're a little codependent. But my kids are 2 year old twins so their needs and interests are virtually the same. We divide and conquer as it fits someone's needs. You're doing the same thing. I absolutely think you would be nuts to pull your daughter away from the events she wants to go to for an adult birthday party. People judge all kinds of stupid stuff, but you're doing what's right for your family.
Post by SallySparrow on Mar 4, 2016 14:45:44 GMT -5
I've stopped going to H's. Partially because of MIL, partially because I work every other weekend, so I legitimately can't go. His family is always giving him crap about it. "Why doesn't Sally come to these things? Doesn't she like us?" People. I work. Give us a break.
I go to some of my family stuff alone, too. It's just whatever is easiest.
We really only make an effort to go to Christmas stuff together.
I've adopted an "all or none" approach since the twins were born, because if I continued to make trips by myself with four kids then my mother would expect me at every single event and holiday whether or not DH could come because "well you came to this or that by yourself, why can't you come to this or that without him?" I don't want to set the precedent. Yes, I can travel with four kids alone. I absolutely do not want to do it though.
We do a lot of divide and conquer. I have a 9 year old and a 2 year old. Some events aren't appropriate for both ages. Some are. Sometimes we are all invited, but I know the older one will get bored or the younger one will get to antsy. So we look at each event and then decide.
Halloween is a good example. One of my older ds' friends was having a pre-trick or treat party and then we were all going to ToT. We went to the party together to eat dinner. Then we all went back to our street to take the little one ToTing and drop DH and the little at the house. They passed out candy and the older one and I met back up with the party to do big kid ToTing.
There is a family we are really close with and they only doing things as a foursome. There are times the rest of us actually find it annoying because they seem to expect that we plan around all of their activities - even if it is a party just for the older one.
I do a ton with just the kids because DH is always sleeping or working so people have come to expect just me and the two boys. DH's family doesn't really understand though and is kind of testy when I suggest he take the kids up there or go himself. His latest thing was having to go up the last week in September which is impossible with my job (always, every year) and they never get it and give me a hard time about it.
I think what you're doing makes logical sense and I'm guessing that if your families have an issue with it, it's likely because they don't understand the demands of having two children, one of whom is school-aged, and a husband who works crazy hours, plus your freelance career. It would be one thing if you were talking about events an hour away, but for a plane ride, it's much more complicated.
Can you just adopt me? I'm sitting here thinking, "I am close to having an actual nervous breakdown trying to manage everything in my life [without your help], and you want to give me shit about not bringing my older kid to an adult birthday party where there will be no other kids besides her 19-month-old brother?"
andplusalso, yeah, I've decided I suck at being a mother to two kids (at least until other issues in my life get resolved). One at a time in situations like family parties is all I can handle at the moment.
But regardless of my mental state, objectively, I don't think I am being that unreasonable.
If we are all available, sure. But we don't always both take her to music or both take her to MyGym. Sometimes DH takes her, sometimes I take her, sometimes we both take her. We both go to well visit doctor appointments, but usually only 1 of us will go to a sick appointment.
For things like weddings, we usually leave her behind and go as a couple.
For family events/parties, we often go together. But for example, DH will be on a bachelor party over Easter weekend. So I will see my grandparents & family alone with DD. Doesn't bother me at all.
I envision that we will "split up" more and more often as our family grows due to logistics.