Devastated

[sunshineluv]

(( spedteachermom,)))

I am so sorry. You do not sound naïve, I cannot imagine how many emotions you are feeling right now. But I will say, having a child doesn't mean you can't leave. You can if that is what you choose.

[spedteachermom]

Apr 27, 2016 10:46:47 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

(( spedteachermom,)))

I am so sorry. You do not sound naïve, I cannot imagine how many emotions you are feeling right now. But I will say, having a child doesn't mean you can't leave. You can if that is what you choose.

I know I can leave, but the thought of sharing custody is unthinkable to me at this moment. Maybe I will get there, but for right now I feel like I can't.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry this is happening. I also tried counseling with my XH but I couldn't get over the lack of trust/emotional abuse. We did not have children.

It bothers me that you say "I can't leave". I hope you work with your counselor not just on your marriage but on your individual happiness, even if that means your marriage is no longer serving you.

[dancelnow]

Definitely start with counseling, and make sure yours is covering what is it you are wanting for for son with your husband remaining in the home. And are you getting that for him with this arrangement. Divorce doesn't mean he loses his Daddy. Dad will have to make an effort for sure.

[sunshineluv]

Apr 27, 2016 10:43:03 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

So I just need a place to put this, and I made a new name. I found out yesterday that my husband has been unfaithful physically at least 4 times. He has been caught talking to other women on dating sites etc, I'm not sure I've lost count but at least 8 times.

I know I should have never given him as many chances, but we have a two year old son now and I can't leave. Until last night, I honestly believed it hadn't been physical, but I was way wrong. We are both making appointments for individual counseling, and I kicked him out of our bed, but I want him home for our son. I know, I probably sound so naive, but I have to try. We've never done counseling before.

He claims to still love me, and isn't doing it to hurt me and that he has underlying issues. But I'm just numb to him, and I need advice on how to still live with him and keep a somewhat normal life for my son, when I don't even want to look at him, I hate him right now.

Thanks for reading.

I am glad you will be going to a counselor, I don't like what he said (bolded), of course he didn't do it to hurt you, but his actions hurt you, and he knew that they would. I hope as these conversations continue he takes ownership for his actions, and doesn't blame underlying issues.

[hocus2]

I am sorry to hear about this. Good luck with your journey. Please take all the steps needed to protector yourself financially and physically. A trip to you main doctor for STD test might be worth considering.

I know you're still processing all that has happened but please don't lock yourself into thinking that you MUST day for the benefit of your child. An unhappy marriage may be worse that leaving with a strong co-parenting plan.

[Deleted]

As far as wanting advice on how to live with him, I lived with my XH for a few months even though we had decided on divorce.
We slept in separate rooms and used separate bathrooms. I did not wash his clothes or cook for him. We separated our bank accounts and then kept a mutual one for bills. We just stayed seperated and was lucky enough to have a 3 bd 2.5 bath. So we each had our own bedrooms and then he took the third bedroom as a secondary living room. We mostly stayed out of each others hair.

[jojoandleo]

You do not sound naïve. Making a decision to leave or stay is a tough one. Counseling is a good first step. I want you to really consider your reasons for staying. DO NOT stay for your kid. Because staying when you are no longer happy in the marriage does NOT help your kid. The choice to stay should be about YOU and what YOU want. Keep that in mind during therapy.

As for living with your H when during this time, ugh, I don't know. That shit is HARD. I'd try to not fight around your son, but I wouldn't try and pretend everything is normal. I would personally treat him as a coworker who you aren't friends with, but have to work with. Be civil, make sure all the work (AKA-parenting) gets done and is done at the highest caliber possible.

[cuddlyevil]

{{{spedteachermom}}}

Take your time with it. I'm glad you're in individual counseling, that will be the biggest thing to help you get through it.

[jigsy]

Hugs. I am glad you will begin counseling. As others have said, try to figure out what will make you happy. "Underlying Issues" should not absolve a person of the choices they have made - and remember that this is the example he is setting for your son. Growing up in a home where mom is happy is important to your son too.

As for living together, I would try to be as separate as possible. Before moving out, XH and I slept in different rooms and led independent lives. We were friendly, but I made sure to curb impulses to take care of him. I asked myself "would I do this for my roommate in college". It was an easy way for me to visualize what our relationship should look like.

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Big hugs.

[1confused1]

It took me about 2 years to finally pull the plug on our marriage. Counseling is a great first step, please be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your son.

[bg]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Counseling is a great start to try to sort everything out.

[sharknado]

I left two and a half years after the cheating stopped. Cheating was a symptom of bigger issues. Issues (emotional abuse) I could no longer deal with. We have 2 children and I moved 1500 miles away.
You can do this. I think it is great you want to try and I don't fault you for that, I did the same thing and felt the same way.

[glynn]

Sorry you are dealing with this.... X annonced he wanted a divorce on 5/5 last year. We lived together until 1/25/2016 with DD2. We slept in different rooms and as time went by did less and less together. DD2 is 8 and did not really see a difference in her life other than we did not go places as a family.

Honestly after I moved out it made things better for DD2. She knew something was up but could not really figure it out. We are both happier people so she is happier. At times she misses the parent she is not with but she knows the schedule and is triving now.

Good luck with whatever you chose.

[spedteachermom]

Apr 27, 2016 15:11:44 GMT -5 sharknado said:

I left two and a half years after the cheating stopped. Cheating was a symptom of bigger issues. Issues (emotional abuse) I could no longer deal with. We have 2 children and I moved 1500 miles away.
You can do this. I think it is great you want to try and I don't fault you for that, I did the same thing and felt the same way.

What about custody though? You were allowed to move away? My whole family about 100 miles away, and I would probably want to move back that way, but I want sure if I could custody wise. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 27, 2016 15:47:38 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

Apr 27, 2016 15:11:44 GMT -5 sharknado said:

I left two and a half years after the cheating stopped. Cheating was a symptom of bigger issues. Issues (emotional abuse) I could no longer deal with. We have 2 children and I moved 1500 miles away.
You can do this. I think it is great you want to try and I don't fault you for that, I did the same thing and felt the same way.

What about custody though? You were allowed to move away? My whole family about 100 miles away, and I would probably want to move back that way, but I want sure if I could custody wise. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet.

Hugs that you're finding yourself in this position :*(

What you can do ie move depends on your custody order. I have 100% legal and physical custody and my xh doesn't have any visitation - if I wanted to move 3k miles away I could and he couldn't stop me.

[sharknado]

Apr 27, 2016 15:47:38 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

Apr 27, 2016 15:11:44 GMT -5 sharknado said:

I left two and a half years after the cheating stopped. Cheating was a symptom of bigger issues. Issues (emotional abuse) I could no longer deal with. We have 2 children and I moved 1500 miles away.
You can do this. I think it is great you want to try and I don't fault you for that, I did the same thing and felt the same way.

What about custody though? You were allowed to move away? My whole family about 100 miles away, and I would probably want to move back that way, but I want sure if I could custody wise. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet.

I don't suggest doing what I did, but I left while he was at work and jumped on a plane with my kids. Legally, the state I returned to still had jurisdiction over my children as we hadn't been in the new state for six months. Also, if you aren't separated no one has "custody". You are both the parents. STBXH will be moving back to the state I am in when the summer is over. He wants 50/50 custody. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this.  Right now you need to stay strong and take one day at a time.  Remember that you and your DS deserve to be in a happy, trusting and comfortable environment.  Living together during a separation period is very difficult and I recommend to try to be as separate as possible.  Explore the counseling individually as well as together if you so choose.  

The thing is (and this is not for you to decide now, but rather just to contemplate)  IF you stay together, can you truly forgive him and give him your complete trust, never wonder where he is or who he's with/talking to/texting and put this behind you 100% and never bring it up again?  
I was not willing or able to do that with xh.  I could not live in a constant state of distrust.  Everyone is different though and only you really know how you may feel.

Definitely stick around here...we have some great experience on board.  HUGS

[abcdefu]

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

As you think about whether you want to stay or leave, remember that your son is so young so he probably won't remember what it's like to live with both parents. Children are adaptable and would rather be from a "broken home" than live in one.

I divorced a cheater. The emotional roller coaster is awful. I just knew that I didn't want to live the rest of my life being an investigator. If he went to the store, why was it taking so long? If he didn't answer his phone, why?

It was just so exhausting!

Good luck with whatever you decide. Please stick around here. These ladies are amazingly supportive! ((hugs))

[spedteachermom]

Apr 27, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

The thing is (and this is not for you to decide now, but rather just to contemplate)  IF you stay together, can you truly forgive him and give him your complete trust, never wonder where he is or who he's with/talking to/texting and put this behind you 100% and never bring it up again?  
I was not willing or able to do that with xh.  I could not live in a constant state of distrust.  Everyone is different though and only you really know how you may feel.

Definitely stick around here...we have some great experience on board.  HUGS

The thing is that I haven't trusted him fully in at least 5 years, because before I knew it was physical, I've known for a long time about the talking to other women online, and since then I have always checked his phone etc every few months or whenever things felt off.

But now that I know it was physical, I will question every time he is late from work or whatever and wander where he is, and I have no idea how to regain a trust that has been broken so badly....

[Deleted]

Apr 27, 2016 20:54:59 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

Apr 27, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

The thing is (and this is not for you to decide now, but rather just to contemplate)  IF you stay together, can you truly forgive him and give him your complete trust, never wonder where he is or who he's with/talking to/texting and put this behind you 100% and never bring it up again?  
I was not willing or able to do that with xh.  I could not live in a constant state of distrust.  Everyone is different though and only you really know how you may feel.

Definitely stick around here...we have some great experience on board.  HUGS

The thing is that I haven't trusted him fully in at least 5 years, because before I knew it was physical, I've known for a long time about the talking to other women online, and since then I have always checked his phone etc every few months or whenever things felt off.

But now that I know it was physical, I will question every time he is late from work or whatever and wander where he is, and I have no idea how to regain a trust that has been broken so badly....

You shouldn't have to live like that.  I can't speak for anyone else, but I would not be able to tolerate the constant level of anxiety that would ensue in that situation.  
What would happen when you would catch him talking to other women online or via text?  Would he promise to change? Did he ever follow through?  
 
I know that when I was in a bad relationship with xh, I knew it, but was in some sort of denial at times.  I needed to hear the truth from outsiders. This is said with kind intentions, I promise.  
You can get through this.  Don't be strung along.  You should be number one to your H and you should have to check behind him to see if he's talking to other women.  What would you tell your best friend or sister if she told you she was in the exact situation that you are currently in?  Sometimes thinking about it that way can help you see things more clearly.  

[thedutchgirl]

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I agree counseling is a great first step. I don't have kids, and there were no infidelity issues, so I'm not in much of a position to speak to that. I will say, though, that I don't hear that he's doing much or saying much right now about how he wants to fix himself so he doesn't do this again. So it may not be just about trusting but also about whether he's even willing to try to do what you need--not cheat.

Keep talking her and to your trusted friends/family, as well as a therapist. Lean on your support system.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 27, 2016 20:54:59 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

Apr 27, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

The thing is (and this is not for you to decide now, but rather just to contemplate)  IF you stay together, can you truly forgive him and give him your complete trust, never wonder where he is or who he's with/talking to/texting and put this behind you 100% and never bring it up again?  
I was not willing or able to do that with xh.  I could not live in a constant state of distrust.  Everyone is different though and only you really know how you may feel.

Definitely stick around here...we have some great experience on board.  HUGS

The thing is that I haven't trusted him fully in at least 5 years, because before I knew it was physical, I've known for a long time about the talking to other women online, and since then I have always checked his phone etc every few months or whenever things felt off.

But now that I know it was physical, I will question every time he is late from work or whatever and wander where he is, and I have no idea how to regain a trust that has been broken so badly....

I hate saying this but you won't. Xh relapsed on meth after 15 years, went through rehab stayed cleaned for about 2 months then relapsed again. That's when I hit my 'enough' point and I realized I couldn't live waiting for the other shoe to drop. The anxiety would kill me and that's when I stopped trusting him. Without trust, no relationship.

[jenstar]

Sorry spedteachermom, it definitely sucks to be where you are right now. My DS was about to turn 2 when XH and I separated. I was horrified at the thought of sharing custody too, but as time went on I got used to the idea. In my case DS spends much more time with his dad now than he ever did when we were together, but I still have him the majority of the time. I was lucky in a way because I was already used to being a single parent so being on our own was actually easier and definitely less stressful.

My biggest concern about staying in a relationship that is not a normal loving, trusting relationship is the impact it can/will have on a child. Looking back I can see very clearly that both my XH and I basically ended up with the same dynamic that existed in our families of origin, even though I consciously knew it wasn't what I wanted and there was a lot of tension with me fighting against that. It was extremely difficult to come to terms with DS not growing up in an intact family (there are literally no divorces even in my extended family) but at the end of the day I want him to grow up and hopefully not have a completely skewed idea of what love looks like, so he can have a better relationship than his grandparents and his dad and I.

Definitely don't feel bad about not being ready to make that decision, it takes time and a lot of thought, and obviously if there is a chance you could work things out you want to look at that. GL x

[spedteachermom]

Apr 27, 2016 21:22:27 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

[quote timestamp="1461808499" source="/post/11431680/thread"

You shouldn't have to live like that.  I can't speak for anyone else, but I would not be able to tolerate the constant level of anxiety that would ensue in that situation.  
What would happen when you would catch him talking to other women online or via text?  Would he promise to change? Did he ever follow through?  
 
I [/quote]
Yes he would always promise to change, and immediately stop all contact with anyone he was communicating with. We would work on things, get closer for a few months and then life would happen and if I didn't give him the exact attention he needed, with a infant and a full time job, or before my son, grad school etc. He would go right back to it again. Rinse, lather, repeat, I don't know how many times.

I never gave him one consequence though, I don't know why I've been so stupid and have had my head in the clouds for so long, this is a big thing I want to talk to my counselor about. My first appointment is this afternoon and I feel like I need it so bad.

[glynn]

Apr 27, 2016 20:54:59 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

Apr 27, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

The thing is (and this is not for you to decide now, but rather just to contemplate)  IF you stay together, can you truly forgive him and give him your complete trust, never wonder where he is or who he's with/talking to/texting and put this behind you 100% and never bring it up again?  
I was not willing or able to do that with xh.  I could not live in a constant state of distrust.  Everyone is different though and only you really know how you may feel.

Definitely stick around here...we have some great experience on board.  HUGS

The thing is that I haven't trusted him fully in at least 5 years, because before I knew it was physical, I've known for a long time about the talking to other women online, and since then I have always checked his phone etc every few months or whenever things felt off.

But now that I know it was physical, I will question every time he is late from work or whatever and wander where he is, and I have no idea how to regain a trust that has been broken so badly....

Been in all of this.... I had to get out because I was making myself sick with worry, stress and such.

[catscatscats]

[glitzyglow]

Cheating is such a mindfuck and I'm sorry you are going through it. Counseling helped me so, so, so much after I found out my exH was cheating and it helped me sort out my feelings regarding what steps I wanted to take in my life.

[jojoandleo]

Apr 27, 2016 20:54:59 GMT -5 spedteachermom said:

Apr 27, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

The thing is (and this is not for you to decide now, but rather just to contemplate)  IF you stay together, can you truly forgive him and give him your complete trust, never wonder where he is or who he's with/talking to/texting and put this behind you 100% and never bring it up again?  
I was not willing or able to do that with xh.  I could not live in a constant state of distrust.  Everyone is different though and only you really know how you may feel.

Definitely stick around here...we have some great experience on board.  HUGS

The thing is that I haven't trusted him fully in at least 5 years, because before I knew it was physical, I've known for a long time about the talking to other women online, and since then I have always checked his phone etc every few months or whenever things felt off.

But now that I know it was physical, I will question every time he is late from work or whatever and wander where he is, and I have no idea how to regain a trust that has been broken so badly....

Also, think about whether the relationship you HAVE is the relationship you would want your son to have.  Because this is what you are modeling for him.  THIS is what he sees and thinks is normal. 

I am not going to tell you what to do.  And if you can find a way to trust again and a way to be happy, more power to you.  Just, make sure you are staying for YOU.  Good luck at counseling!  I personally love counseling, but I also really like to talk about myself, so...