Update...if intererested

[shoofly]

I posted last week needing helping with some feelings and whatever other crazy stuff. I went to therapy that day and then he asked me to come over that night to talk about what happened between us. I was weak and didn't take time to think things through and we ended up smoothing things over and were back at our usual routine the next day.

Cue yesterday morning, the first time I ever looked at his phone because something was "off", and he had received a topless photo the night before from the mother of his daughter. His ex. Who he promised had nothing going on and would never get between us. I confronted him. He said he didn't know how to tell me, but was going to. He said he didn't ask for it, but had warned me that she would take his involvement with their daughter the wrong way. Listen, I get that someone can get confused or think something they shouldn't...but I did not think that would automatically lead to a picture of her tits on his phone. The exchange went something like this...

Her: hey daddy, I'm having a drink. wish I could have it with you.

Him: hey sexy, how's the beer?

Her: good, but would be better with you

Her: tits

Gross. Just gross. He apologized up and down. Said he called her sexy in a moment of weakness. Ummm...we were home. We had some company over for a couple hours, played pool, went to our rooftop and talked, then got back to our place. Where the fuck did your weakness come from?

All this to say we talked right after I confronted him. He took me to work. I stewed about it all day. He picked me up and I was still upset, so yes, I brought it up. He essentially said I'll just have to get over it if I want things to work. I told him it's not that easy. He said it'd have to be. And that he didn't ask for the pic, that he sent her a text that morning saying they had to cease contact, that he still wanted to be in his daughter's life, that he loved me and couldn't let her get between us as he had let her get between him and someone else previously - which I knew nothing about. Somehow, my bringing it back up was me beating him up which lead to a fight and him turning anything I've ever done on me.......ending with the fight being my fault and nothing being good enough because he deleted the pics, told her to never send any again, and was limiting contact with her. Again, I'm never happy.

So I stayed with my parents and will figure out wtf I'm doing at some point. I'm kinda in denial. And I feel dumb thinking things over and over again and wondering if it is my fault. If I made too big of a deal about it. If I just pushed back too hard.

[TR]

Stop it. This is ridiculous. Get out, don't look back. Seriously. This guy is an asshole.

[sweetchix]

Jun 10, 2016 9:18:53 GMT -5 TR said:

Stop it. This is ridiculous. Get out, don't look back. Seriously. This guy is an asshole.

Agreed. I think the only reason he apologized is because he was caught, not that he's truly sorry.

[TR]

Seriously, if you spend one more minute contemplating this, then I can't help you.

[carowen]

what's there to consider? He clearly is still interested in his ex and/or is a slimeball who will take whatever opportunity presents itself.

Run, and don't look back.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Well, if your relationship with him didn't truly fit the definition of gaslighting before, it does now. You see that, yes? He's having inappropriate text conversations with other women, and somehow it's your fault. Yeah, no.

[katieido]

Not worth one more minute. Nope.

[glitzyglow]

Fuck him, you deserve much better. He's a cheating asshole.

[bl]

Do not think about this for one more second, run! This is not your fault.

[cuddlyevil]

It's not your fault that he's a lying, cheating asshole. Leave and don't look back.

[mysterons]

Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from this emotionally toxic situation. You only have one life and it should not be spent with this asshole.

[jigsy]

If there is any part of you that thinks you are in the wrong in this situation, get to therapy. You had valid concerns and brought them up ONE WEEK AGO! He swore up and down that your concerns were heard and they weren't an issue...then, in less time than it takes to get a new Game of Thrones episode, he was already light-sexting with the very woman you were concerned about.

Moment of weakness my fucking ass. He is a piece of shit. He not only is trying to make you seem crazy, but is also putting ALL the blame on his ex - dude, it takes two to tango. You can be in someones life without encouraging inappropriate interaction. "Hey sexy"...get the fuck out of here with that.

[statlerwaldorf]

Run. Cut off all contact with this guy. He is clearly a piece of crap. Moment of weakness my ass. How long until he has another moment of weakness and accidentally sleeps with her if he hasn't already?

This will never be a healthy relationship and you deserve better. Don't let his gaslighting convince you otherwise. That's why you need to cut all contact.

[arielroux]

Oh, helllllll no. No, no, no, no, no.

You have physical evidence that he is a lying piece of shit. This isn't all in your head, this isn't your fault, this isn't you beating him up, and you don't need to "get over this if you want to be with him." You need to hightail it out of there posthaste.

Don't waste one more second of your time with this lying, manipulative asshole. You deserve better than this.

[doglove]

I think you need to figure out why you are so willing to accept this kind of treatment.

[doriswe]

Jun 10, 2016 15:07:16 GMT -5 doglove said:

I think you need to figure out why you are so willing to accept this kind of treatment.

Yup, this

[shoofly]

I agree with all of you. Yes, it's all I'm thinking about right now, but I know it's completely unhealthy and not a situation I want to be in. If a friend were telling me all this, I'd tell her to run, too. Thank you for the words of advice and support. doglove - I am curious why I am willing to accept it, too. ESPECIALLY when I KNOW it isn't right and I KNOW I deserve better. It's just a complete mind fuck for me.

All I can ask is for honest feedback, support, and suggestions. Some of it hurts, but it's real. Thanks for that. I have another therapy appointment on Monday afternoon. Until then, I am going to meet with my sister after work today and stay with my parents this weekend. Figure out what to do next. I have not contacted him since I left yesterday. I do not plan to except to let him know I will be coming by to gather my things.

[arielroux]

shoofly, do you think you're willing to accept it because, to you, being with someone (even someone who treats you poorly) is better than being alone? Do you struggle with feeling lonely sometimes?

The reason I ask is because when ExH and I first split and I was finally out on my own, the feelings of loneliness were so overwhelming sometimes that I'd start perusing dating sites and chatting with people I wasn't interested in just to fill a void and not feel so alone. For the attention, I guess. So, I understand that feeling of maybe "taking what you can get" or whatever.

But the thing is, that kind of situation isn't good for you, and it isn't going to make you feel better. It's just going to be a temporary distraction from the real issue - that you're not comfortable being alone.

And if I'm way off base, tell me to go pound sand. I just know that for a period of time I spent time with some men who I never would have spent time with, or talked to, if I wasn't so afraid of being alone and looking for someone, something, anything to fill that void.

[shoofly]

It's possible. I've only had 3 relationships...one from 15-27, another for 2 years starting Sept 2012, and this one. I was single for about a year. I enjoyed it for a bit but then did want a relationship and started dating.

I don't know. My answer to a lot of these questions and my thoughts is I don't know. I don't know how or why I've put up with it. The red flags were there. I just hoped things would get better. And I want a home, and a partner, and a family. Same stuff everyone says. I know I'm not any different in that respect.

[abcdefu]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also sorry that I'm about to sound like Dr. Phil, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you didn't see that text, I guarantee you they would have continued and probably from multiple women. This guy is a piece of shit. I know you stated before that your financial circumstances sucked, but it is easier to rebuild your bank account than to rebuild your self respect and self worth.

You deserve better and you know it. That's why you stayed at your parents house. Take care of whatever you need to to cut ties with him completely. If you are both on the lease, then look for a replacement tenant, or maybe Baby Momma Photo-tits would like to move in and pay your half of the rent.

Lastly, I know what you're going through. My ex-h cheated on me. Then swore it would never happen again...until it did. Just get the hell out of there and don't look back!

((hugs))

[arielroux]

You're allowed to not know the answers to everyone's questions. Just make sure you take the time to figure out the answers. It'll do wonders for your happiness, self esteem, and sanity.

Be good to yourself. You'll get through this.

[jenstar]

shoofly, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I had a similar dynamic with my XH, he managed to always make everything my fault, I "attacked" him, I asked too much etc etc. It was all bullshit, and it made me really angry once I worked it out. In fact I figured out he was a narcissist by googling something like "how is everything always my fault?". Not saying he's a narcissist, but he's certainly gaslighting you as Mrs.Rad888 pointed out.

It's shit trying to figure out why you put up with stuff like that. I agree with mp that maybe you don't want to be alone, because for me, being single sounds a heck of a lot better than being tied to someone like that. He clearly doesn't respect you or care at all about how all of this must be for you. I hope you can find your strength this time x

[LoveBug]

Um no. He is a creep. Please move on. You are better than this, even if you don't believe it just yet.

[racegrrl714]

Jun 10, 2016 9:18:53 GMT -5 TR said:

Stop it. This is ridiculous. Get out, don't look back. Seriously. This guy is an asshole.

I totally agree.

[Deleted]

Don't trust him.  Get the hell away from him because he's a piece of shit.  You should not allow yourself to be disrespected and manipulated.  You deserve better.

[stephreloaded]

Her sending him a picture like that, cannot be unprompted. There HAS to be a conversation that lead to that. In my mind, it's bad enough that he is a cheater but I find it disgusting that he also wants to make you feel guilty about it.

I am going to say something and I promise I am not an asshole ... all the time. I think that this is a lot more cut and dry than the situation you were in last week. Things like this will make you take more decisive actions and will show you the type of person he is. It shouldn't be like this but I am afraid that you would have put up with a relationship that wasn't good for you right from the start.

I agree with everyone regarding therapy to see why you make the decisions you make. We all made mistakes but it is important to find out whether there is a pattern that you are likely to repeat.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Jun 12, 2016 21:07:41 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Her sending him a picture like that, cannot be unprompted. There HAS to be a conversation that lead to that. In my mind, it's bad enough that he is a cheater but I find it disgusting that he also wants to make you feel guilty about it.

I am going to say something and I promise I am not an asshole ... all the time. I think that this is a lot more cut and dry than the situation you were in last week. Things like this will make you take more decisive actions and will show you the type of person he is. It shouldn't be like this but I am afraid that you would have put up with a relationship that wasn't good for you right from the start.

I agree with everyone regarding therapy to see why you make the decisions you make. We all made mistakes but it is important to find out whether there is a pattern that you are likely to repeat.

I agree. There was a post on ML earlier this week, the poster has a friend whose FI has been cheating on her for years. Not to get too into details, because I don't know if the thread was deleted, but even though the friend knew he had been cheating for years, she still needed a big "event" to be able to confront him and end the relationship.
OP, this is your big moment. He's basically challenged you to either live with it, or make a move. This is the perfect chance to get healthy so you can have the relationship you are looking for.

[ladyk]

"Her: hey daddy, I'm having a drink. wish I could have it with you."

Him: hey sexy...."

(I can DD if you want, just let me know)

That, right there, even without the b00b shot, is inappropriate. Period. You did not cause this and you were not wrong in confronting him. He basically told to you take it or leave it. Guess what? He just laid out what your relationship is going to be like from here on out if you stay. Listen to him.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

(I say this with love and light because I was in an abusive marriage for about 5 years. I have some experience in excusing bad behavior. Truth.)

[moolarkey]

You get one life. When you are 60 and you look back - is this how you'll want to have spent it? What is so worth it about him to put up with this crap, repeatedly put up with this crap?

[jojoandleo]

I know this is super old now, but:

This is the EXACT shit XFI pulled. The texts/emails that were vaguely sexy, but he found ways to explain them away and then flip it ALLLLLLL on me. He made me feel like I was insane! Every time I found something I thought could be my big moment to confront him with, he found a way to flip it.

He was 100% cheating on me. I never walked in on him butt-ass naked banging someone else, but there is not even .01% of doubt in my mind.

She texted him something flirty, he responded flirty back. There is 0% chance that is the first time it happened. 0%. Those texts were way too casual for it to be a first time she sent him a tit shot. Nope. Get out. Get out now.