Have you grown apart from your mom?

[simpsongal]

Mini vent/confession I suppose.  I love my mom, we used to be quite close when I was growing up.  Mom was very supportive, helped me out w/activities and all sorts of things, even when I went home during college.  But i just feel so distant from her now, like we're not friends any more.  A few contributing factors, we live hours apart.  She never had a career so I don't think she gets what that's like (she never asks me about my job).  She's a talker, and often talks about herself and relatively mundane things like her day.  She never talks about current events or anything like that.  Our personality types are very different.  My dad and I had our differences when I was growing up and he has some big faults (recall my post a few weeks ago about his anger issues) but he's funny, lively, and super well informed.  We could talk for 30 minutes w/o realizing the time passed.

I don't know if I've changed that much/grown up or my mom has.  Probably a bit of both.  I think we'd do better if we saw each other in person and had experiences together, but that's not possible - even when they visit for a couple days it's largely family time all together.  I just feel so bad about it.  I like to call her but after 2 minutes into the conversation I'm bored and ready to hang up  

[chickens987]

Yes.

My mom is a fixer - she creates relationships with people based on helping them solve problems or adults for them. I don't need or want that so we don't have a lot of common ground.

I do try to find ways to ask her to help me, but she often disappoints me in those situations

I will say, she is very generous financially, even though she's a notorious tightwad they're like the stereotypical millionaires next door.

[SJ]

My relationship with my mom has ebbed and flowed.

We talked often when planning my wedding. Then I would say the first 5 years of my marriage we probably talked once a week at most and saw each other 1-2 times per month.

Since DD was born, we probably talk 3-4 times per week and see each other at least once a week. She loves to hear every little mundane thing that DD is doing, and I basically just talk through work & life with her.

We are very similar, and overall I think have had a successful transition to being friends. That being said, she still is a tremendous help and support to me in a way that I am probably not to her (but I hope I can be to DD someday!)

[bunch]

Yes. I've talked about our issues here a lot. I'm not sure why it would have anything to do with it, but it seems to have deteriorated since I've had kids. I actually just spent almost an hour on the phone with her and it's probably the first time that has happened in 6 mos.

My dad and I have grown closer since I've been an adult, but we're pretty similar and neither of us loves to chat, so we still don't talk all that often.

[pizzapizza]

That sounds tough. My mom and I are pretty close and very similar and we talk about nothing all the time. As well as current events and the like.

I think it can be hard when you have different personalities. I could also see with age how that may change your relationship.

Does she have any hobbies or tv shows or something that you have a shared interest in. What about blabbing about the kids?

What if you both did your own book club together - would that be weird? Then you could have a topic to discuss at length on a monthly basis?

[mainelyfoolish]

My parents live several hours away from me and most of our contact is over the phone. My mom talks about entirely mundane things, like the weather and which doctor's appointments she and my dad have been to recently, but I can still talk to her for an hour on the phone without a problem. (Let's face it, my life as a SAHM isn't that exciting either; I spend a lot of time talking to her about the new ways my kids have found to drive me nuts or funny things they did.) My dad, on the other hand -- five minutes on the phone with him and I've run out of things to say. Just because they're your parents and you love them doesn't necessarily mean you have great phone conversations.

[broadsheet]

Absolutely - we were never super close but once I moved away from my hometown and went to college (two things my mom never did) she just couldn't relate to me. After diving into the autism world with DD1, I've come to realize that my mom probably has undiagnosed Aspergers and really struggles to connect outside of her sphere. It bums me out a bit but I've come to peace with it (and no longer feel rejected.)

[Susie]

I struggled with that with my mom, especially over the last year. I attributed it to her illness and energy level, but who knows it if would've happened anyway. The best way I can describe it is that her world got smaller. She stopped wanting to talk about anything besides family gossip, basically. Not current events, not my career, not things she was doing (of course, as her energy waned, she wasn't doing many things anymore), or much of anything else. It got difficult to relate. She did have a career as a dietician, but she retired a couple years ago when her health no longer permitted her to work. With her, since we knew our time was short, I did my best to just suck it up and mm hmm along. I don't regret that, but it wasn't easy to do even for the few years that it was particularly acute.

[Jalapeñomel]

I had a horrible relationship with my mom growing up, so moving far away was the best thing for our relationship. We are much closer now than we have ever been.

[bowies]

Yes. See my posts in Tuesday randoms.

We were really tight from middle school through the early college years. I told her EVERYTHING. I see now how unhealthy that was. I wish I had worked on establishing boundaries back then. Doing it as an adult has led to a lot of strife.

ETA: My high school friends used to express jealousy over how close we were and how it must be so nice to have an ally in a parent. A lot of them hid their activities because of how religious their parents were. I think neither situation was great - as with most things, the right mix of parent/friend lay somewhere in the middle.

[simpsongal]

Jun 14, 2016 19:23:15 GMT -5 pizzapizza said:

That sounds tough. My mom and I are pretty close and very similar and we talk about nothing all the time. As well as current events and the like.

I think it can be hard when you have different personalities. I could also see with age how that may change your relationship.

Does she have any hobbies or tv shows or something that you have a shared interest in. What about blabbing about the kids?

What if you both did your own book club together - would that be weird? Then you could have a topic to discuss at length on a monthly basis?

That's a nice thought, though she doesn't read and watch much tv.  Her last visit we enjoyed watching "Say yes to the dress" together - it sort of reminded me of old times and fun, silly light things we used to enjoy.  I guess it's hard to have that relationship over the phone.  I've been trying to organize a shopping trip w/her but the visits are so quick, it just never happens.

She's just not terribly interested in talking about kid stuff over the phone (I'm not terribly interested either). 

Susie, I think you said it well.  Probably not quite to same extent as your mom (I'm so sorry for your loss) but it does seem like her world has gotten smaller and smaller.  She had a heart attachk ~10 years ago and my folks have each had some health issues.  She's never been as organized as me, but little things just seem to worry her and give her anxiety.  And there's so much talk over doctor stuff and the mundane.

[pizzapizza]

Jun 14, 2016 19:46:37 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Jun 14, 2016 19:23:15 GMT -5 pizzapizza said:

That sounds tough. My mom and I are pretty close and very similar and we talk about nothing all the time. As well as current events and the like.

I think it can be hard when you have different personalities. I could also see with age how that may change your relationship.

Does she have any hobbies or tv shows or something that you have a shared interest in. What about blabbing about the kids?

What if you both did your own book club together - would that be weird? Then you could have a topic to discuss at length on a monthly basis?

That's a nice thought, though she doesn't read and watch much tv.  Her last visit we enjoyed watching "Say yes to the dress" together - it sort of reminded me of old times and fun, silly light things we used to enjoy.  I guess it's hard to have that relationship over the phone.  I've been trying to organize a shopping trip w/her but the visits are so quick, it just never happens.

She's just not terribly interested in talking about kid stuff over the phone (I'm not terribly interested either). 

Susie , I think you said it well.  Probably not quite to same extent as your mom (I'm so sorry for your loss) but it does seem like her world has gotten smaller and smaller.  She had a heart attachk ~10 years ago and my folks have each had some health issues.  She's never been as organized as me, but little things just seem to worry her and give her anxiety.  And there's so much talk over doctor stuff and the mundane.

My mom and I totally had a Say Yes to the Dress marathon.

You could try watching Project Runway or the show with Stacey and Clinton where they help dress people - What Not to Wear.

If it makes you feel better,  my mom and I do talk about current events but everything is so depressing nowadays with Trump/guns etc that it is not necessarily fun to discuss.

[bowies]

Jun 14, 2016 19:46:37 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Susie, I think you said it well.  Probably not quite to same extent as your mom (I'm so sorry for your loss) but it does seem like her world has gotten smaller and smaller.  She had a heart attachk ~10 years ago and my folks have each had some health issues.  She's never been as organized as me, but little things just seem to worry her and give her anxiety.  And there's so much talk over doctor stuff and the mundane.

I can completely relate.

[starburst604]

Yes I do feel this to a degree. We were so, so close when I was a child. I worshiped her and felt so loved. It's very hard to verbalize what feels different now. When my sister and I became adults she became very hands off. Which to a degree is great, she doesn't cross boundaries but it has some downsides too I guess. Not to say she isn't there for us when we really need her - she is very concerned if we are sick or going through something and she is crazy about her grandkids. It's just...different from what I remember as a kid. She's also SUPER sensitive and feels easily wronged which makes things hard.

I have a lot of feelings about it now that I have a daughter myself. I think all the time about how I can ensure that me and L have a different kind of relationship when she's an adult.

[Willis Jackson]

Jun 14, 2016 19:20:20 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Yes.

My mom is a fixer - she creates relationships with people based on helping them solve problems or adults for them. I don't need or want that so we don't have a lot of common ground.

I do try to find ways to ask her to help me, but she often disappoints me in those situations

I will say, she is very generous financially, even though she's a notorious tightwad they're like the stereotypical millionaires next door.

Did I write this? Every word here describes my relationship with my mom.

[mcfelix]

My mom and I have never been super close. I would never share my deep dark secrets with her, that's just not the nature of our relationship. Like, both times I was pregnant, my parents (to be fair DH's parents too) were the last to know. I told all of my friends immediately but waited until 10 or 12 weeks to share with my parents. If I would have had a miscarriage, I don't know if I would have told them. I am closer to my parents now that I have kids, but I think I relate to @tambcat saying we have a good superficial relationship. It seems shitty to write that, since I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them. But I treat her like a mother, and not a friend.

[Deleted]

No. We have always been very close and remain so. She's an incredible woman. Smart, kind, caring, a wonderful mother and grandmother. We've always lived within an hour of each other. Currently we live 30 minutes apart and see each other 1-2x a week and text daily. I'm immensely grateful for her.

[cjeanette]

We actually grew together as I aged. We had a closeness when I was very little but really had an off relationship from probably age 9 or so until Corbin was born. She had very high expectations and didn't realize she all but broke me with her standards. Once we got past that things were good. It helps that she has never once questioned my parenting and is always here for anything I need without hesitiation.

[chickens987]

Jun 14, 2016 20:10:15 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

Jun 14, 2016 19:20:20 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Yes.

My mom is a fixer - she creates relationships with people based on helping them solve problems or adults for them. I don't need or want that so we don't have a lot of common ground.

I do try to find ways to ask her to help me, but she often disappoints me in those situations

I will say, she is very generous financially, even though she's a notorious tightwad they're like the stereotypical millionaires next door.

Did I write this? Every word here describes my relationship with my mom.

(hug) (hug2)

[boiler717]

Our relationship is different because she vastly prefers being a grandma to being a mother, if that makes any sense. She clearly is way more concerned about her grandkids than her kids.
I remember a day during wedding planning where she was going with me to meet people at our venues and she was crying because it was going to be the first Saturday she missed seeing my niece (in like 4 months). She was so obsessed with my niece being our flower girl at one point I told her I was going to change the program to list her as grandmother of the flower girl instead of mother of the bride and she beamed and was like "oh great idea!!" BAER
Now that I have T, it's different still. She doesn't ask about me. Even in those first few days and weeks, it is always "how's T?" As soon as she calls. When I asked her to come keep me company during leave, she literally could not stop talking to him long enough to even finish a sentence with me. She would bring lunch over and get mad that I wanted to eat with her instead of alone, while she held T. So she stopped bringing food for her. It's wonderful to see how centered she is on him, but it still kinda sucks to feel like your mom just sees you as a vessel for grandkids vs a person.

[ellipses84]

No, we are actually closer now then we have ever been. When I moved out of state we'd make more of an effort to talk regularly and when we visit each other several times a year, it is dedicated quality time. I have a big family so I rarely had one on one time with her, until she started visiting me out of state. Having children made us a lot closer and I talk to her several times a week now instead of once a week pre-kids.

I was very attached to her as a young child, but we definitely grew apart from childhood through high school. Once all of my siblings moved out, and then I went off to college and moved back after college, we had a better relationship, but still were not close. We got along but lived very independent lives.

[humpforfree]

Jun 14, 2016 21:34:46 GMT -5 mcfelix said:

My mom and I have never been super close. I would never share my deep dark secrets with her, that's just not the nature of our relationship. Like, both times I was pregnant, my parents (to be fair DH's parents too) were the last to know. I told all of my friends immediately but waited until 10 or 12 weeks to share with my parents. If I would have had a miscarriage, I don't know if I would have told them. I am closer to my parents now that I have kids, but I think I relate to @tambcat saying we have a good superficial relationship. It seems shitty to write that, since I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them. But I treat her like a mother, and not a friend.

This is me too. I've never been close to her, or chit chatted or shared secrets or whatever. We never talk on the phone and maybe Facebook IM/message once or twice a week? My sister talks to/tells my parents everything and it is so weird to me.

[read247]

Jun 14, 2016 19:18:07 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

I don't know if I've changed that much/grown up or my mom has.  Probably a bit of both.  I think we'd do better if we saw each other in person and had experiences together, but that's not possible - even when they visit for a couple days it's largely family time all together.  I just feel so bad about it.  I like to call her but after 2 minutes into the conversation I'm bored and ready to hang up  

Add in "or totally pissed off and ready to strangle her" at the end of the last sentence and it describes my relationship with my mom these days.

We live 3 1/2 hours apart and see each other a handful of times each year.  It's a PITA to pack my kids up and go to them (plus staying in my parents house is uncomfortable, and my youngest actually isn't all that fond of her grandmother).  They come here a little more but still, that's a lot of driving for my dad especially if he doesn't take a day off from work to extend the weekend.  Plus cost is a factor for them and due to health issues all they can really do is sit around my house anyway, with my mom on her phone and my poor dad bored to death because we have no TV on the main level for him to watch (never mind that the TVs in the playroom and master bedroom don't have cable anyhow).

As she's gotten older, mom has gotten incredibly more opinionated and the problem is that those opinions tend to be polar opposites of mine.  She recently posted something on Facebook that had me itching to reply with a reminder that she'd given birth to one of those "damn Yankee liberal bigots" (to borrow words directly from her and some of the responses to her post) that she and her friends were bashing.  But I kept quiet, although it's a big reason why I haven't spoken to her in the last 10 days or so.

[cincodemayo]

Yes, since I've gotten married I'm less likely to go to her. Its really complicated and it makes me sad. She can be really over bearing at times, she wants so badly to be apart of every little thing the kids do. I don't think we will ever have the best friend relationship again.

[simpsongal]

Hugs to the OPs in my boat or similar situations. Thanks for sharing your stories, it helps a bit to know I'm not alone.

[thebreakfastclub]

I feel like I am close to my mom, although we mostly keep it light. We try to see each other at least once a month and talk on the phone weekly.

I remember when I had my c/s and everyone was focused on my boy. She said she was there to worry about me, because I'm her baby.

[redheadbaker]

I was never close to my mom, so, no.

[ECB]

Yes. Now, my parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad got custody. But from 6 through college, I felt we had a good relationship and were close. I definitely saw it change in college and I started building a wall when it came to her.

It wasn't until she died 10 years ago that I got clarity. Her therapist actually asked to talk to me because my mom had wanted her to. My mom had made some realizations about herself within the year before she died and she wanted me to know about them.

And really- what it boils down to is that she wanted to 'connect'. Everything was about 'connecting'. it wasn't about just having a conversation or spending time together, she always wanted everything to be deeper than that and she wanted to feel a connection all the time. So basically she was always pushing for that, wanting more, not being able to take experiences at face value. There had to be something "more" to it.

it was pressure. I felt the pressure and that's what led me to start putting up walls. I want relationships to happen organically. Try to force it? I back away.

Unfortunately we never had any resolution about this before she died.

[steamboat185]

We've never been super close. My mom is really nice, but our personalities collide. I've lived a few hours by plane since college (with one 3 year exception) and I don't know if that is good or bad. I think having to have multiday extended visits makes it much harder than just being able to drop by for an hour or two- any stress just builds.

[carrieq]

Yes, we were never particularly close but we're even less so now. It's gotten worse since I became a mother. She also has some mental health/depression issues that make it very difficult to be around her. Our relationship is also very superficial. I don't tell her much and she gets frustrated when I don't tell her things. We live about 5 miles from each other, see one another maybe 1-2 times a month usually to do with the kids, and rarely speak on the phone. I think she wants me to call her every day and give her a rundown of all the day's events so she can keep up with things. We're just not close like that, probably never will be, and it's a constant source of guilt for me.