36 questions in love

[berbles]

Has anyone done this exercise, with a stranger or with an SO?

www.36questionsinlove.com

The questions are divided into three sections, each section more invasive than the one before. By the third section, the pair is basically helping one another solve internal conflicts, and eventually you finish the questionnaire with a four-minute period of sustained eye contact.

Engagement encourages vulnerability. Mutual vulnerability encourages connection. Even if you aren’t connecting over what you’re saying, you’re connecting over the fact that you’re both there, nervous and saying whatever you’re thinking out loud.

XFI (I'm still calling him that, even though we're working toward reconciliation) went through the whole thing yesterday.

It's really more geared toward strangers or acquaintances, but I thought it would give us a really good opportunity to go into our 30 days of no contact with vulnerability and openness for one another.

It was pretty intense, and really interesting. We talked for like 4 hours, because the questions sparked real discussions between us. There were things I'd never heard him say, things I didn't know he felt certain ways about... I was nervous he wouldn't want to do it, cuz it seems kinda cheesy, but he was totally open to it and answered very honestly, even when I could tell he was uncomfortable. At the end of the 4 minutes of staring at each other, I actually didn't want to look away from him.

I definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to get to know someone better!

I'll paste the 36 questions below so you don't have to click and click through the site above.

These are the questions:



Set One



Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set Two



If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set Three



Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”

Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

[jojoandleo]

Oh, no. No. What happened to having him work on himself, alone, with you all apart? You should not be working on reconciliation now. You deserve so much better than you are settling for.

[berbles]

Aug 1, 2016 19:23:56 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Oh, no. No. What happened to having him work on himself, alone, with you all apart? You should not be working on reconciliation now. You deserve so much better than you are settling for.

No no, you misunderstand. We had some discussions through the weekend, but starting today we are spending the month apart. The whole month. 

He starts therapy on the 16th.

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2016 19:33:48 GMT -5 berbles said:

Aug 1, 2016 19:23:56 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Oh, no. No. What happened to having him work on himself, alone, with you all apart? You should not be working on reconciliation now. You deserve so much better than you are settling for.

No no, you misunderstand. We had some discussions through the weekend, but starting today we are spending the month apart. The whole month. 

He starts therapy on the 16th.

I hope you take the time that you need.  Just my 2 cents---A month is likely not to make a dent in the issues that he has.  You deserve better.

[berbles]

Aug 1, 2016 21:55:52 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

Aug 1, 2016 19:33:48 GMT -5 berbles said:

No no, you misunderstand. We had some discussions through the weekend, but starting today we are spending the month apart. The whole month. 

He starts therapy on the 16th.

I hope you take the time that you need.  Just my 2 cents---A month is likely not to make a dent in the issues that he has.  You deserve better.

I'm just giving myself a month before I make any more decisions about him. This month is for me.

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2016 22:28:25 GMT -5 berbles said:

Aug 1, 2016 21:55:52 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I hope you take the time that you need.  Just my 2 cents---A month is likely not to make a dent in the issues that he has.  You deserve better.

I'm just giving myself a month before I make any more decisions about him. This month is for me.

Good.  You are number one here so you get to dictate what happens.  Thinking about you! Hugs

[Saint Monica]

berbles, what did he say that made you even consider farting in his general direction?

[berbles]

Aug 2, 2016 7:12:32 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

berbles , what did he say that made you even consider farting in his general direction?

It wasn't him, actually. It was his two best friends. I was not going to let him even try to explain himself. But then I talked to each of them, and they are good enough friends to ME that I know they would have told me to run if they believed that was what was best for me. And they were PISSED at him. But they each independently said they didn't think this behavior was who EMT really is and that if I wanted to give him a chance to talk, it might help. I'm still not convinced everything will work, but I'm letting him try. Try to prove he wants what he says he wants. Because wanting and making it happen are two very different things.

[Deleted]

IDK. I just wouldn't want to be with someone who SO MAJORLY has things to earn/regain/make up to me. You eat the last candy bar, okay - then yeah, you owe me two next time you go to the store. You essentially betray me our entire relationship? BYE BOY, BAI!

[doglove]

Just be careful berbles. If he was lying and manipulating you in your relationship, chances are he is/was doing that to his friends as well and no one really "sees" the bad behavior he was keeping from everyone. I think again this is where actions need to speak louder than words.

[berbles]

Aug 2, 2016 12:52:40 GMT -5 doglove said:

Just be careful berbles. If he was lying and manipulating you in your relationship, chances are he is/was doing that to his friends as well and no one really "sees" the bad behavior he was keeping from everyone. I think again this is where actions need to speak louder than words.

I don't think that's what he was doing, now that I've gotten more info. Can I just leave it at that?
I know exactly what it looked like at first, but I've gotten more info and a clearer picture.

[berbles]

Aug 2, 2016 14:58:39 GMT -5 mp said:

Tough love- he may not have been trying to manipulate you, but be was lying. And he was manipulating the heart of that other girl. That behavior doesn't just go away. I'm glad he's in therapy. But... He did those things for years. That IS "who he is". It wasn't a one time mistake.

Love you girl.

He wasn't manipulating her heart.

[doglove]

Just please remember words can be just that - only words, words that are meaningful come with the actions to prove them/back them. And please remember to take care of yourself, whatever information or changes that have happened that the most important thing in all of this is to take care of yourself and figure out what you need and what's important to you. <3 hugs.

[Deleted]

Not that anyone HAS to share, but as candid as you were in nearly real-time as shit went down, and then to come back with "new information" you aren't divulging (which is cool by me) just screams that you don't want this "new information" shredded to pieces too, by people who aren't trying to sort it all out with a broken heart and who have been in similar situations and been manipulated.

It is all a little too "you don't know my lyfe," but if that's how you want to handle it I would quit sharing about it at all to be honest. It's similar to when you tell someone in your real life that your SO is shitty to you, and then you go back to your real life person and say, "Oh it was low blood sugar for three years, no big deal. Forget what I said." Forgetting doesn't happen like that. Here or IRL. But I understand you have to work all this out on your own, you're smart and have had some experiences of your own to draw from, as well as real life support.

I really do wish you the best of luck. As a member of the greater "sisterhood of the vagina chart," we really only want what is best.

[katieido]

You know I love you berbles. I have concerns. Please proceed with extreme caution.

[Deleted]

For me personally this all seems like too much work for someone you have only been with for a few years and have no other strings attached (kids, mortgage, business together, etc). And even if he has some major come to Jesus moment change, I wouldn't be able to forget as he showed you who he is.

However, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are willing to put up with potential heart break, so keep on keepin on. We all wish you the best.

[berbles]

Aug 2, 2016 15:46:32 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

Not that anyone HAS to share, but as candid as you were in nearly real-time as shit went down, and then to come back with "new information" you aren't divulging (which is cool by me) just screams that you don't want this "new information" shredded to pieces too, by people who aren't trying to sort it all out with a broken heart and who have been in similar situations and been manipulated.

It is all a little too "you don't know my lyfe," but if that's how you want to handle it I would quit sharing about it at all to be honest. It's similar to when you tell someone in your real life that your SO is shitty to you, and then you go back to your real life person and say, "Oh it was low blood sugar for three years, no big deal. Forget what I said." Forgetting doesn't happen like that. Here or IRL. But I understand you have to work all this out on your own, you're smart and have had some experiences of your own to draw from, as well as real life support.

I really do wish you the best of luck. As a member of the greater "sisterhood of the vagina chart," we really only want what is best.

Honestly, it's taken close to 12 hours of conversations to reach the point I'm at, so no, I really don't feel like giving everyone here all the details. 

Let's put it this way - my absolute best friends, who were very much where you are now, have gotten a lot more of the details and they are supportive (cautiously) of the decisions I'm making right now. 

I'm not trying to get defensive or "you don't know my lyfe" on you all, but it's a little fucking presumptive to assume I just don't want you knowing the details so you don't rip them apart. I literally can't possibly give them all to you; and a lot of them wouldn't make any sense unless you know me/him. I'm not going to take an additional dozen hours just to give you a full picture.

Be assured, I am committed FIRST to myself. 

[RamblingRose]

Aug 2, 2016 22:32:01 GMT -5 @32flavors said:

It is who he is.

This is what people mean when the say, "when someone shows you who the are believe him."

He is a liar who was inappropriate with another woman for almost your entire relationship. That is who he is.

You don't have to listen. I wouldn't listen the whole time I put up with emotionally abusive bullshit and you all tried to tell me. We all have to live our lives and come to our own conclusions.

Nodding along with this.

[Saint Monica]

berbles,

We all love you and truly care.

Your responsive attitude here sucks.

I can respect trying to work on things because you want babies and you think this is your only chance or whatever is going on in your mind but you gotta look in your truth mirror and own it.

[jojoandleo]

He 100% manipulated that girl. AND gaslit the SHIT out of her. He made her look crazy when he was initiating some of that BS. Nope. The fact you are defending that and claiming it wasn't manipulation proves you should not be speaking to this man. I 100% believe he is manipulating YOU now to believe him over this girl. NOPE!

[glitzyglow]

Your friends love you and want you to be happy. My friends initially supported me when I said I wanted to try to work things out with exH because they hated seeing me in pain and they wanted me to be happy. What I didn't realize is that they were also struggling to cope with learning about exH's manipulations/lies/etc and not really able to fully grasp the situation of who we all thought someone was versus him showing us who he was. It's been 6 years since I found out my exH is a lying liar who lies, and my friends still comment how they can't believe what happened...one friend in particular really struggled with the perception versus reality of the entire situation of how someone we all loved could be so deceptive and uncaring.

All that said, my point is that I really hope you'll enter into therapy and discuss this with a unbiased person. My friends, while they love me so much and wanted me to be happy, were the worst advice givers in this situation. They were conflicted on what to say to help me because they wanted me to be happy. They knew I wanted exH to change and save our relationship and they thought it would make me happy, so they supported the idea of reconciliation.

Therapy was my saving grace. It helped me understand why I wasn't willing to cut off someone who treated me in the most disrespectful manner who hadn't even had the decency to tell me himself about his bad behavior (the OW did, much like your situation). It helped me not get looped in my own justifications when justifications weren't valid for his behaviors. Therapy honestly is the reason I let my exH go. I'm not saying you'll have the same path, but there are red flags in your responses to this situation that suggest you are not putting your own self-worth and self-interests first here. He lied to you, for a year plus. He engaged in inappropriate behavior for the entirety of your monogamous relationship. He never told you what he was doing and completely minimized his role in the inappropriate behavior when he was found out. It appears that he would have kept his role downplayed to you if not for the OW providing receipts. All excuses aside, even just those three realities don't reflect the heart of a man who genuinely loved and cared about his fiancee. You loved him and trusted him, and it is clear from the outside that he took advantage of your lovely heart. We all care about you here, and you know that advice comes out in different forms/tones, but ultimately we think you are a beautiful soul who deserves nothing but the best and we want to be sure that you to feel the same way about yourself as you navigate this situation.

[stephreloaded]

The comments here come out of concern about the situation, so please listen to everyone.

I think we cannot possibly know all the details of the conversation. I think there are things that you need a lot more info to understand. I also think there are things that are indeed black and white. Whoever was the one who initiated the conversation or however things started between them before you got serious, fact is, he was having inappropriate conversations with someone else and he hid it from you so he knew what he was doing was wrong.

I also think that it is sooo easy to dish advice behind the keyboard on this board but it is an entire different thing to actually do things in real life. Take your time. Use those 30 days to think about you and what is best. He can go to therapy all he wants but therapy doesn't rehabilitate assholes in the short term. Not saying that he will never change but I would let someone else to put up with his BS for when/if he gets better.

[ladyk]

I would use these 30 days to seek a counselor. This is your own journey but I see my past in your present and possible future and I don't wish that on anyone. I hope you find peace.

[jigsy]

I actually logged on to reply to this thread...but really...what is there to say. Anything I want to say will sound super harsh and has been said much more politely already.

I guess I will just say that I think this little quiz exercise was a terrible idea and pretty much the worst way to distance yourself from the parts of the relationship and emotions that cloud good judgement.

[Deleted]

Look I agree with jigsy I don't think you have any desire of letting this go or moving on. You will do your "30 days" and surprise! He will have made all these improvements!!!!! And you will get married and then we will see you back here 10 years later. Look there is not disorder that makes you cheat. There is no trauma that makes you be a complete asshole to your partner. All he deserves at this point is a total walk away, if after a year he's made major improvements then maybe. But he still cheated on you. Don't let him make you think "something" made him do that. Come on! You are better then that

[starburst604]

I believe it was Kuus who used to say that there are more than 5 men in this world.

I wish you the best Berbles, and I don't think this guy is it. I think you feel you need to explore this to the end, but I don't have a good feeling about the outcome. Anyone can behave for a month, 3 months, whatever, but real change is difficult if not impossible sometimes. Change is hard, and when your guard is back down it will feel easier to him to just be who he really is.

[jenstar]

Aug 3, 2016 4:11:19 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

berbles ,

We all love you and truly care.

Your responsive attitude here sucks.

I can respect trying to work on things because you want babies and you think this is your only chance or whatever is going on in your mind but you gotta look in your truth mirror and own it.

I'm not sure that trying to work things out because you want babies and you're running out of time is a valid option either.. I can understand trying to work things out when you already have babies, but don't think about bringing a baby into a situation where there are serious red flags flying.. Please don't. I can't think of anyone here with who wouldn't say the same x

[nextbigthing]

Aug 3, 2016 23:25:27 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Aug 3, 2016 4:11:19 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

berbles ,

We all love you and truly care.

Your responsive attitude here sucks.

I can respect trying to work on things because you want babies and you think this is your only chance or whatever is going on in your mind but you gotta look in your truth mirror and own it.

I'm not sure that trying to work things out because you want babies and you're running out of time is a valid option either.. I can understand trying to work things out when you already have babies, but don't think about bringing a baby into a situation where there are serious red flags flying.. Please don't. I can't think of anyone here with who wouldn't say the same x

I'll second this. I now realize I should've ditched stbxh probably 5 years ago but the clock was ticking and I thought it would get better.

Now here I am basically a single parent with a 17 month old. I love DS more than I ever thought possible, but.....

[Saint Monica]

Aug 3, 2016 23:25:27 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Aug 3, 2016 4:11:19 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

berbles ,

We all love you and truly care.

Your responsive attitude here sucks.

I can respect trying to work on things because you want babies and you think this is your only chance or whatever is going on in your mind but you gotta look in your truth mirror and own it.

I'm not sure that trying to work things out because you want babies and you're running out of time is a valid option either.. I can understand trying to work things out when you already have babies, but don't think about bringing a baby into a situation where there are serious red flags flying.. Please don't. I can't think of anyone here with who wouldn't say the same x

All I'm saying is look into the truth mirror.

berbles. Wtf. This is bull.

[statlerwaldorf]

Aug 3, 2016 23:29:52 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 3, 2016 23:25:27 GMT -5 jenstar said:

I'm not sure that trying to work things out because you want babies and you're running out of time is a valid option either.. I can understand trying to work things out when you already have babies, but don't think about bringing a baby into a situation where there are serious red flags flying.. Please don't. I can't think of anyone here with who wouldn't say the same x

I'll second this. I now realize I should've ditched stbxh probably 5 years ago but the clock was ticking and I thought it would get better.

Now here I am basically a single parent with a 17 month old. I love DS more than I ever thought possible, but.....

I'm with you. I should have left before having kids. I knew deep down I should have, but I was too scared. I wanted kids. I knew getting pregnant would be difficult for me. I had low self esteem and was scared I wouldn't meet anyone else.

And it sucks so bad. I love my kids and my heart hurts when they have to spend time with their dad. I don't want to miss out on every other Christmas and birthday. But the absolute worst part is the day I realized xh does not care about not only me but his kids. He is seriously incapable of caring about other people and that didn't change when he had kids. He uses them like he used me and my oldest is starting to see it. It breaks my heart.