Self Care Thread?

[sfy]

I'm sorry, childofhiphop, you have quite a bit on your plate. *hugs* Excuse me while I side eye your four sisters. I understand that not everyone has the ability to move another adult in her home, but if any of them are local, I hope they at least get her out of your house for a day so you can relax.

[andwhat]

Between work and moving, self care had been nonexistent. I mean I have been talking for months about getting my hair done. But I vow that it will happen by the end of this month.

One thing I was consistently doing was working out but my new schedule conflicts with my trainer's so I have to figure something out.

I have been reading more which is something I have always enjoyed but haven't done too much of since having DD.

Now that I am working more normal hours, I do want to reconnect with friends, get to know my new neighborhood, etc.

[gazpacho]

Hoping everyone struggling with self-care routines is taking time for themselves today!
childofhiphop, andwhat, cubed,

[bimbi284]

Perhaps we can use this thread for some accountability too? We can share what we've done for self care each day/week/whatever?

Being unemployed for the past month has sucked more than I realized it would, but I've been walking a lot more, which I have been wanting to do. I also signed up for a group fitness thing, because there is a new studio opening up in my area and I need the motivation of others to work out with any reasonable level of intensity.

So in anticipation of that, I need to up my fitness so I don't die on the first day. Today I went for a walk, went about 15 minutes longer than usual, and even ran for a few minutes of it. Gotta start somewhere!

I've also taken my vitamins today haha.

[itsme]

Physical - Everything is on point. I'm going strong and hope to keep it up.

Mental - Big changes at home with the burden of caring for the kids has fallen on me with H's new job. I was a single parent before I met H so I know I can manage but it will take some getting used to. His mental state is jacked up so I have to work on keeping him going as well.

In general - I've started scrapbooking again and I started making myself sayings for my gym shirts so I don't have to spend $25. I have a Silhouette. I read but need to dedicate more time to that and not leave it for bedtime and get a paragraph in before passing out.

[EnchantedSoul]

Edit: Moved to recent success thread

[redwino]

I guess my self-care routines are OK. I've never thought about it.
-I sleep in on Saturdays while DH handles DD.
-I hang with friends several times a week, sometimes with dd and sometimes alone so I can have pure adult time.
-I've removed the outlook app from my phone so I don't deal with work emails at home anymore. That had been huge in lowering my stress level.
-I decided I'm only cleaning and doing laundry on weekenda. Whatever gets done is it. Everything else can wait.
- I'm back on my makeup game. I love trying new products and colors. Sometimes my look is a fail but it still makes me feel good.

I need to work on getting my eating under control and get back to exercising. I also need to find a church. I feel so much better when I'm attending services regularly.

[bimbi284]

Some self-care reading for your humpday. (bolded emphasis is from source)

themighty.com/2016/09/self-care-how-to-take-care-of-yourself-when-you-have-depression/

In social work, “self-care” is one of those terms that is so overused, it has ceased to mean anything. Typically when self-care is referenced, the speaker is referring to activities and experiences that bring you pleasure. “The work in this field is really tough. You have to practice self-care. Go to a yoga class. Take a walk on a sunny day. Protect your leisure time. Get a mani-pedi. Soak in a bubble bath. Treat yo’self.”

Pleasure is great, and it is important. During seasons when I am depressed, I force myself to indulge in pleasure as though it were a lifeline, because it is. Most likely, there is actual theory and clinical principles behind this, but I’m no clinician, so I can’t speak to that. Here’s my interpretation: feeling bad all day, every day, is exhausting. It’s not good for your body, or your heart, or your psyche. So when I reach day 3 of feeling sad and terrible, I force-feed myself pleasure, even though depression sucks all desire for fun and pleasure out of you. For me it feels similar to the way you might force yourself to eat a salad because you know it’s good for you, even though you may fucking hate eating salads. (I am doing that right now, by the way – eating a fucking salad. It is picture perfect, with local lettuce and beets, tomatoes, dried cranberries, with a lemon-balsamic vinaigrette. I hate it. I’m eating it anyway.)

I thought I was doing this self-care thing the right way until November when it became obvious I was not. Yes, sometimes self-care looks like pleasurable activities, and in such cases, it is not so hard for me to get myself to do it. But if that were all that self-care entailed, I would not have found myself in the place I am in. I’ve been doing that kind of self-care for years with insufficient gains, so this leads me to believe my self-care regimen was incomplete.

What social workers and other people don’t often tell you is that self-care can be completely terrible. Self-care includes a lot of adult-ing, and activities you want to put off indefinitely. Self-care sometimes means making tough decisions which you fear others will judge. Self-care involves asking for help; it involves vulnerability; it involves being painfully honest with yourself and your loved ones about what you need.

I am reconstructing my ideas about what it means to take radically good care of myself. I am making it a priority, to the detriment of other priorities, because I have to come the realization that my life depends on it. I will tell the truth about my present self-care, even though I have zero assurances I am getting it right. Because a) getting it right is not the point (but God, do I love to get things right), and b) the other thing nobody tells you about self-care is that it’s nearly impossible to know if you’re doing it right, until months later when you either find yourself feeling better or shittier. Check in with me in June for an addendum.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY.

Medical self-care is completely unglamorous. Is there anyone on the planet who enjoys going to the dentist? If I go to the dentist once every three years, I’m doing really well. Self-care is paper-gowned, bare-assed vulnerability, as you do the un-fun work of showing up for your Pap smear, mammogram, or enema. Medical self-care is particularly difficult for me when I am depressed and anxious. The depressive part of my brain doesn’t care if I’m sick because it can’t care about anything. The anxious part of my brain doesn’t want to make the doctor’s appointment because what if something is wrong, and what if the nurse is mean, and what if the doctor commits a microaggression, and what if I have to go to doctor’s appointments by myself for the rest of my life because I never find a partner? I’m almost 30, and I can no longer indulge the myth that I am invincible and I will never have physical health issues. Right now, self-care means getting the medical care I need, even if it is difficult and scary for me to accept I am a person who sometimes needs medical care.

QUIT.

In the past year, I have just been quitting shit left and right. Marathons. Jobs. Pet ownership. I hate quitting so much, I can’t even tell you. For a Type-A perfectionist who has always based my self-worth in my accomplishments and being perceived as a capable, self-reliant person, admitting I’m not well enough to do something, like work a full time job, is one of the most painful realities I can imagine. People talk about setting boundaries and avoiding over commitment as though it’s fun. That shit ain’t fun. It is not fun to sit in the office of your work supervisor and explain why you keep calling out sick. It is even less fun to finally suck it up and leave a job because you’re not well enough to work full time, even if you think you ought to be. Even if I have been before, I am not now, and self-care means being honest with myself and other people about that.

The painful self-care I am doing now is coming to terms with the fact that I have built my life around performing only the best parts of myself for other people, or performing for myself to project an image of who I would like to be. And it’s time to quit that shit. I hate it. I feel weak and lazy and dramatic and irresponsible. But I know deep down I am not any of those things, and regardless, it is the self-care I need to do. I can hate it and do it anyway. And maybe tomorrow, I’ll hate it a little bit less. And next week, I’ll hate it less still.

ASK FOR HELP.

In my experience, people talk about reaching out for help as though it is cathartic and will always be well received. The truth is it is scary and uncomfortable, and until you’ve done it, you have no assurance about how people will react. You would think it would be easier if you have strong loving relationships with your friends and family, but I am lucky enough to have all of that, and I still find asking for help completely terrifying and painful and shameful, even though it ought not be any of those things. Having loving parents means I worry about causing alarm. And if the people who love you are empathic people who pour intention into your relationship, it can feel really scary to let them into the dark places of your life, and own up to feelings of deep sadness or suicidal thoughts. For me, a person who is driven to please and to perform, and who has immensely loving friends and family, being honest about my depression causes a unique anxiety – fear that I will say, “I don’t want to live,” and people will hear, “your love is insufficient, and so insignificant to me that I’m willing to leave you.” This line of thinking binds me into a false choice between my pain and someone else’s: if I am honest about my pain, I will cause pain for the people I love; therefore asking for help is a bad choice. No. Reaching out has been necessary, and now that I’m on the other side of it, I’m glad I did, but it took a lot to overcome that line of thinking, and it certainly was not the pleasurable type of self-care.

Also, maybe there are some people in this world who have the ability to ask for help in a graceful and appropriate way. However, I do not possess that trait. My efforts at reaching out and asking for help have fallen in the center of an unattractive Venn diagram, the circles of which include a) clumsiness, b) histrionics, and c) mild disregard for other people’s needs and perspective. Asking for help is difficult on a good day, so when you’ve waited until you are the worst version of yourself before you try to do it, it’s not a pretty picture. You’ve gotta do it anyway, because self-care; it’s totally shitty.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

I believe there’s usually a lot of ugly shit at the root of our depression. Yes, it is a medical and physiological disorder, and I’m trying to unpack the stigma I didn’t know I had toward depression. But mental disorders and illness are never as simple as, “here, you need more of this chemical between your neurons.” Underneath the physiological processes, there is usually a ton of FOO (Family Of Origin) issues, some maladaptive coping, and some cognitive distortions surrounding your identity and your relationship to other people. Recovering from depression means confronting some of that shit and working through some it. (I say some, because baby steps.) Recovery means hard, honest conversations with your loved ones about what you need, and what you don’t need. It also means doing your best to love and support the people who are loving and supporting you, at the very least on your good days. Unfortunately, experiencing a major depressive episode does not suddenly make you the center of everyone’s universe or give you permission to be an asshole. Taking care of your relationships when you’re depressed or anxious can be hard. Not always, but sometimes. I am finding the only way to do this is through open, honest, direct communication. I am stumbling through it, and I am lucky enough to have people who are willing to stumble inelegantly along with me.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BASIC NEEDS.

Pay your bills. Plain and simple. It’s necessary if one wants to continue living indoors. I can only speak for myself, so I’ll say that financial responsibility is really hard for me when I’m anxious or depressed. I don’t want to log in to my bank account because I’m afraid of judging myself for seeing how much money I’ve spent on eating out because cooking meals at home is too overwhelming a task. I’m forgetful and have trouble focusing, which means utility bills get paid at the last minute, and vehicle oil changes get done 1000 miles too late. Even though these things are hard to do when I’m depressed, I have to find ways to make them happen, even if it means asking for help or reminders.

IN CONCLUSION

If you’re doing these un-fun aspects of self-care, I’m proud of you. If you’re doing them, and you are sick, mentally or physically, or if you in a tough spot in whatever way in your life, I’m really, really proud of you because it’s not easy to do. If you’re not doing all of them, or you’re struggling in asking for help, or you’re struggling in quitting something you need to leave behind, I believe in you. It’s not fun or easy, and you can do it anyway.

[gazpacho]

bumping this to check on folks. cubed, EnchantedSoul, sfy, socratic, 1234FIF!, childofhiphop, kicks, thejackpot, @kirkette, starlily, brandnewday, NitaX, andwhat, bimbi284, itsme, redwino,

[EnchantedSoul]

Hmmmm I've been struggling this week. So much negativity and sadness. I'm just weary. I haven't been able to stop and regroup to focus on wellness. It's storming this morning so I'm forced to slow down. I have a short story I need to edit and submit to a contest and I finally have a book idea to start with. I may start on those today. I think that counts as self care lol. I did force myself to run 3 miles yesterday. It was not pretty.

[sfy]

Things are good on a personal level, thanks for asking, gazpacho. Between traveling and my family visiting, I haven't been as consistent with working out this month, but this week, I'm back on track and it's already feeling good (with the exception of the killer stomach cramp I got in spin the other day). I feel less energetic when I'm not working out, so it's nice to be back to it even if I never see any results, which seems to be the case. Wrt everything else, still feeling pretty weary and frustrated.

[redwino]

I started walking this week. I walked a mile Monday but just piddled around the park yesterday with dd. I packed my clothes today so I can change at daycare and go directly after pick-up.

But my soul is heavy and I'm angry most of the time I'm away from dd and DH. I'm just so sad, tired, hopeless, and pissed.

[gazpacho]

I was a little off track last week. Work has been stressful. I am constantly mad and annoyed at the world....at these discriminatory folks who profess inclusiveness. I am leaving to go to another University and this week was my realization that I need to mentally detach from my current University. So, I am back in "Selfish Mode"--preserving self (family and friends). Working out today and eating will be on target. Also, I am working on pursuing my hobbies again (e.g., photography).

[andwhat]

I am so off my routine and trying to find a new normal. My days are so long and I don't see an end in sight. I am not getting enough sleep, DD's sleep has been crap since we moved, everything is in boxes, and we are trying to get our condo ready for renters. I know things will get better, but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I still need to schedule an appt to get my hair done, so that is not going to happen before the end of the month like I wanted. I just need a day where I can sit and do nothing but watch TV and eat ice cream.

[itsme]

Sept 12, 2016 13:00:01 GMT -5 itsme said:

Physical - Everything is on point. I'm going strong and hope to keep it up.

Mental - Big changes at home with the burden of caring for the kids has fallen on me with H's new job. I was a single parent before I met H so I know I can manage but it will take some getting used to. His mental state is jacked up so I have to work on keeping him going as well.

In general - I've started scrapbooking again and I started making myself sayings for my gym shirts so I don't have to spend $25. I have a Silhouette. I read but need to dedicate more time to that and not leave it for bedtime and get a paragraph in before passing out.

Physical - I work out 6x/wk (CF & running) and things are going strong there.  I am very selfish with this time and I struggle with giving up any of this time even for a day when I know I need to.  Today H is coming home and he asked that I spend time with him.  I will but I am having an internal struggle with how to also get my run in.  I don't know if it's a problem like I am obsessed or what the deal is. 

Mental - I guess the above goes along with this.  The changes at home are actually going well and I am embracing it!  I am enjoying not having to worry about an extra person in the house and feeling guilty because I stayed out too late at the gym while H watched the kids.  I am guilt-free now and have been hanging out with my friends doing margarita Monday and taco Tuesday and whatever else comes up.  It has been so freeing and I really missed being me and care-free.  H has this whole new way of life thing figured out with his new job so his mental state is much better.

In general - I am enjoying my H-free time.  He's needy and I am the opposite so not having to cave to the neediness has been so awesome for me.  It sounds bad saying he's needy.  He wants and craves my attention is more like it whereas I can go a week in my own world and not really need him to be around.  I haven't scrapbooked lately but I have been trying to read a little more and also keep my house decent so I'm not embarrassed when someone stops by.  That has been so freeing as well.  

[sunshine608]

I thought I replied last time but I'm not even sure any more. Reading is probably my biggest hobby right now and being that its practically free for me is helping.

Last night I took my work email off my phone and it is so freeing. I have done it off and on in the past but this time its permanent (also because my exempt status will be changing soon). Yesterday I got so pissed off so I took a walk to the library on campus and it calmed me down.

I'm seriously considering giving up FB and message boards at this time too.

As far as physical- I need work on this. I'm trying to drink more water and work out but there are some things I have to work through first- timing being a big thing. As far as drinking water and not sweet tea- I can do I just have to make it a priority.

[starlily]

Thanks for following up gazpacho.

I guess I've taken some baby steps with improving my diet and getting back into working out. Things are still a little chaotic at work and home, but I'm hoping things will start to settle down next week.

[thejackpot]

gazpacho, how nice of you to check in on everyone.
I finished Whole30 and I am down 19 lbs! It helped to kick start my health care routine so I am trying to continue to be mindful of what I consume and how I treat this vessel.
I checked out a few books from the library so I am gearing up for some reading. I got called for a little teaching gig so I need to decide if I even want to be bothered. It's just teaching a student one on one but I don't know if it's worth getting care for the kids. We shall see.
My folks left yesterday which bummed me out at first but it was an unexpected visit so I shook it off to be grateful instead.

[lobstertail]

I really need to get moving and lose about 5-10 lbs that crept up on me this year. I just finished nursing school and start a new job next month, but it's night shift, and I've heard the weight creeps up on night shifters, so I want to prevent new weight from adding on.

Once I start working again, I also need a haircut!

[bimbi284]

Thanks for the check-in, gazpacho!

I started Orange Theory workouts this week at a new studio in my area. I'm kinda surprised how much I like it! I've gone to two so far (Monday and Today), and have felt great afterwards. I was sore as hell, and expect to be for some time, but this is really good for me and I really hope I can stick to it. I am glad I started it now, because I have zero excuses once winter comes!

I am also trying to be better about what we eat. I tend to let this slide the most. We eat pretty healthy most of the time, but I can get lazy and veer toward processed carby stuff that doesn't add much in the way of nutritional value.

I am starting to feel really good in my new job. I was "officially" announced with a blog post today, and its been shared a bunch and has gotten a lot of love on FB. It seems silly, but I was really (happily) tearful seeing that today. There has been a lot of support about this from folks sorta coming out of the woodwork. I feel like its sorta going "viral"; its insane!

Also, the system that the org uses to organize and track our work is fan-fucking-tastic! It really keeps everything transparent, and nothing falls through the cracks. Its great for me because I am the type to overthink shit and remember something in the middle of the night, but this makes it so I can really keep work at work. Definitely gonna be good for my self care, haha.

[redwino]

Sept 28, 2016 13:12:27 GMT -5 lobstertail said:

I really need to get moving and lose about 5-10 lbs that crept up on me this year. I just finished nursing school and start a new job next month, but it's night shift, and I've heard the weight creeps up on night shifters, so I want to prevent new weight from adding on.

Once I start working again, I also need a haircut!

congratulations on the new job.

[lobstertail]

Sept 28, 2016 14:39:47 GMT -5 redwino said:

Sept 28, 2016 13:12:27 GMT -5 lobstertail said:

I really need to get moving and lose about 5-10 lbs that crept up on me this year. I just finished nursing school and start a new job next month, but it's night shift, and I've heard the weight creeps up on night shifters, so I want to prevent new weight from adding on.

Once I start working again, I also need a haircut!

congratulations on the new job.

Thank you!

[busybodyk]

-I have a monthly massage membership too. I love it!
-Running keeps me sane and helps me manage my weight
- I need to sleep more.
- I need to schedule less and say no/decline invites so I have more down time on the weekends

[gazpacho]

Sept 28, 2016 13:03:59 GMT -5 thejackpot said:

gazpacho , how nice of you to check in on everyone.
I finished Whole30 and I am down 19 lbs! It helped to kick start my health care routine so I am trying to continue to be mindful of what I consume and how I treat this vessel.
I checked out a few books from the library so I am gearing up for some reading. I got called for a little teaching gig so I need to decide if I even want to be bothered. It's just teaching a student one on one but I don't know if it's worth getting care for the kids. We shall see.
My folks left yesterday which bummed me out at first but it was an unexpected visit so I shook it off to be grateful instead.

Congrats on the weight loss!! That is awesome!

[thejackpot]

Sept 28, 2016 20:29:20 GMT -5 socratic said:

I am failing at this which is upsetting to me cause one more thing i am failing at.

And I know the reason why is because of lack of sleep. This baby is killing me. He doesn't sleep I drink tons of coffee then I can't sleep and when i finally fall asleep he is awake screaming again. A vicious cycle.

Hugs! My children are awful sleepers. It is really the worse. Be kind to yourself this is going to pass. 

[sfy]

Sept 28, 2016 20:29:20 GMT -5 socratic said:

I am failing at this which is upsetting to me cause one more thing i am failing at.

And I know the reason why is because of lack of sleep. This baby is killing me. He doesn't sleep I drink tons of coffee then I can't sleep and when i finally fall asleep he is awake screaming again. A vicious cycle.

Please do not view this as something at which you fail or succeed, because it's not. You have two little ones and a job and you are doing your best. That's all you can do right now. *Hugs*

Congratulations on the weight loss, thejackpot and congratulations on your new job, lobstertail !

[andwhat]

Sept 28, 2016 20:01:12 GMT -5 cubed said:

gazpacho , @kirkette , and freedom , thanks for asking. I am finally getting at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep for the last week. Despite more sleep, I feel more exhausted. I need to figure out how to get a work out in amid all of the crazy. I am trying to focus on a better diet again.

Have you had your thyroid checked?

Glad you got more sleep though.

[andwhat]

Sept 28, 2016 20:29:20 GMT -5 socratic said:

I am failing at this which is upsetting to me cause one more thing i am failing at.

And I know the reason why is because of lack of sleep. This baby is killing me. He doesn't sleep I drink tons of coffee then I can't sleep and when i finally fall asleep he is awake screaming again. A vicious cycle.

My 3 year old has decided to stop sleeping and it is going to kill me. And I don't even drink coffee.

I was so tired yesterday I almost ate some chicken off DD's plate. Haven't had that in a long long time. LOL

ETA: Hugs. I hope you get more sleep. It seems like many of us are needing that.

[redwino]

I got another real walk in yesterday but I'm so freaking tired today. I think I'm going to take a rest day. I've also brought my lunch two days in a row. Yesterday's lunch was much healthier than today's but I'm happy I'm avoiding a drive-thru today.

[andwhat]

Sept 29, 2016 10:30:17 GMT -5 cubed said:

Sept 29, 2016 8:38:13 GMT -5 andwhat said:

Have you had your thyroid checked?

Glad you got more sleep though.

Yes, I get it checked during my annual physical. My doctor said it was fine back in April. This sucks since my weight has even gone up since then and I have a follow up in October. Gah. I am going to try focusing on Paleo/Whole 30 again and maybe will have better luck if I stick to it longer than a month. Sigh.

Is it an endocrinologist that people are always suggesting when a primary doc says thyroid levels are fine? I don't know with everything you have described I would just want to look into a medical issue more. I hope you get it figured out. I know you have to be frustrated.