Help with a death

[bee0325]

I am a lurker but I need some advice and I know there are a few widows on this board that maybe able to help me. My DH passed away Christmas Eve, he woke me up having a heart attack about 2am, I called 911 and they worked on him for an hour at our house before stabilizing him and transporting him to the hospital. We spent all day Christmas Eve in the hospital with him on life support. I don't want to include alot of the details but I ended up having to make the decision to pull him off the life support that evening and letting him pass. He was 34 and we just had our first child in September. 14 hours after his death I discovered he had been messaging via text and twitter sexually explicit messages with two women and talking to one of them on the phone everyday for at least 30 minutes at a time but usually much more and sometimes in the middle of the day. I am calling a grief counselor tomorrow to talk to. I have scoured our finances and see nothing out of the ordinary there.

What else should I be looking at in terms of his phone, and our finances? I want to make sure this didn't go beyond messaging and he was sending them money. Second where else can I turn to for support? I feel like no one knows what to say to me and I don't want to be such a downer to everyone around me. I have a lot of family around me for help with the baby. Sorry if this is rambling. Thank you for help.

[gummybear]

I have no advice I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss and for all that you have gone through/are going through. How traumatic.

[notoriousmeg]

Oh my word. I am so sorry. I don't have much advice other than definitely talking to someone. Your local hospital may have a grief support group, but I would probably start with individual therapy. Sending you big hugs.

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm so sorry for your loss and this terrible heartache.

[knx9211]

I am so sorry. This is so much on you at once. Wishing you strength.

[BaliHai]

I have no advice, just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.

[BicycleBride]

I couldn't read this and not respond. I am so sorry for your loss and that you are having to deal with all this. You might consider an STD test just to make sure you have your bases covered.

[Kristinmo]

I'm so sorry. On all fronts.

Counselor is a great idea. Also make an appointment for a full STI screen just in case it went beyond texting.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Jesus. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, as well as the terrible things you found after he died. Talking to a grief counselor is a great idea. I'm thinking of you.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you made such a shocking discovery so soon. Grief counseling is a good idea.

Honestly, I would check credit card statements to make sure there are no recurring automatic payments, and stop any that may exist. Otherwise I don't think you really need to do anything else (legally, financially). Obviously this is a huge emotional burden to handle, and I would focus on dealing with that. It can be really hard to not have the option to confront someone, get answers, and seek closure, and it's going to take some time to come to terms with all of that. Allow yourself lots of grace with this.

[calle28]

How terrible. I'm so so sorry for everything you're going through.

Definitely lean on your loved ones, they won't think you're a "downer".

[Poeticxpassion]

I am so sorry for your loss and what you discovered so soon after it.

[milosh]

I'm so sorry for your loss and what a heartbreaking discovery. I have no advice, but sending good thoughts your way.

[TR]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, I can't imagine

[liverandonions]

I don't have advice, Judy wanted to say I'm so very sorry for your loss and for your discovery. I hope counseling is beneficial for you.

ETA: * just wanted to say (not judy)

[suzubell]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the awful things you have discovered. I would absolutely spend some time in therapy sorting it out.

[mcmel]

I am so, so sorry. I'm sending every single good thought your way.

[isabel]

I'm really sorry for your loss and for the compounding situation on top of that. I am sending lots of good thoughts. Please feel free to vent here for any reason.

[venice2007]

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry for all this

[bee0325]

I should have stated these women live 3000 miles away so I don't think it went beyond texting.

[housewife]

I am so sorry

[ErinExpat]

I am thinking of you. I am so sorry.

[bee0325]

Jan 2, 2017 18:18:30 GMT -5 @villainv said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you made such a shocking discovery so soon. Grief counseling is a good idea.

Honestly, I would check credit card statements to make sure there are no recurring automatic payments, and stop any that may exist. Otherwise I don't think you really need to do anything else (legally, financially). Obviously this is a huge emotional burden to handle, and I would focus on dealing with that. It can be really hard to not have the option to confront someone, get answers, and seek closure, and it's going to take some time to come to terms with all of that. Allow yourself lots of grace with this.

Not being able to confront him and get answers has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around so far. I know I will never get answers and it is hard to come to terms with that. I'm left wondering if he even loved me or wanted to still be with me.

[flex]

Hello..widow chiming in. I can't really comment on the financial questions you have, but I can tell you that it's very typical for people to not know what to say.

I STRONGLY encourage to reach out to your family and let them help and support you. Not just physically, but emotionally. I'm assuming they love you and want to help in any way they can. And, of course, please seek out a grief counselor.

What you're going through is a life-changing experience, and you'll never be the same person again. It will get better, but the first 12-13 months will be rough. Very rough. Hugs to you.

[letsgetweird]

Jan 2, 2017 18:38:05 GMT -5 bee0325 said:

I should have stated these women live 3000 miles away so I don't think it went beyond texting.

If you've already went through your finances and everything looks good, it would seem he wasn't giving them money. Especially if you didn't read anything that would make you think he was doing that.

If you really want to be sure, it might not be a bad idea to run his credit.

I'm very sorry for you loss and for what you found out.

[nsl]

First, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Second, I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this information on top of everything else. Getting tested for STD's and carefully inspecting your credit card statements are the first things that come to my mind, though I might ask someone I trusted implicitly to help with the latter as I'm sure you're totally overwhelmed.

Again, I'm so sorry for everything that's happening to you.

[Deleted]

Jan 2, 2017 18:40:24 GMT -5 bee0325 said:

Jan 2, 2017 18:18:30 GMT -5 @villainv said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you made such a shocking discovery so soon. Grief counseling is a good idea.

Honestly, I would check credit card statements to make sure there are no recurring automatic payments, and stop any that may exist. Otherwise I don't think you really need to do anything else (legally, financially). Obviously this is a huge emotional burden to handle, and I would focus on dealing with that. It can be really hard to not have the option to confront someone, get answers, and seek closure, and it's going to take some time to come to terms with all of that. Allow yourself lots of grace with this.

Not being able to confront him and get answers has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around so far. I know I will never get answers and it is hard to come to terms with that. I'm left wondering if he even loved me or wanted to still be with me.

I would recommend finding a counselor who deals with "complicated" grief. I was in a complicated grieving situation (my emotionally abusive and mentally ill first husband took his life about 10 years ago...it was a roller coaster of emotions) and my counselor had no clue what to do with complicated grief. It was frustrating for both of us, but in my small town she was the only option.

Please lean on as many people as you can, and give them permission to be there for you.

[livinitup]

I am sorry for your loss.

Leaning on loved ones and friends during grief is not being a downer. It's being a human. Your circle of support wants you to be honest with them. Pick a few people that you trust to be vulnerable.

Do you have life insurance? Maybe through his job?

[greenlight]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[bee0325]

Jan 2, 2017 19:02:39 GMT -5 @villainv said:

Jan 2, 2017 18:40:24 GMT -5 bee0325 said:

Not being able to confront him and get answers has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around so far. I know I will never get answers and it is hard to come to terms with that. I'm left wondering if he even loved me or wanted to still be with me.

I would recommend finding a counselor who deals with "complicated" grief. I was in a complicated grieving situation (my emotionally abusive and mentally ill first husband took his life about 10 years ago...it was a roller coaster of emotions) and my counselor had no clue what to do with complicated grief. It was frustrating for both of us, but in my small town she was the only option.

Please lean on as many people as you can, and give them permission to be there for you.

I will make sure to ask about this when I call tomorrow. Thank you.