I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, but if a family member or friend was going through what you are, I would want them to lean on me if they needed to. I wouldn't think they were a downer at all.
I am so, so sorry for what you're going through. For your loss, your child's loss and for discovering some horrible things that he apparently was doing. This is not your fault. None of it. You did and are doing all of the right things and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders despite the traumatic loss and discovery. You're not a downer. Lean on your friends, family and us.
This is what I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words. My heart goes out to you!
Post by RamblingRose on Jan 2, 2017 23:32:17 GMT -5
Another one with complicated grief chiming in. Today would have been our tenth anniversary legally and he died nearly five years ago. I was nursing him (back to health I thought) when he had a massive stroke. I'd planned to leave him when his health improved. The guilt I felt over that was hard to handle for a long time. I mourned him and the loss of what might have been but I'm okay now. I can't imagine the feeling of what you found out, I was left financially crippled by his irresponsibility and am finally digging out of that hole. All the hugs. Lean on all of us here, we are great at being supportive.
I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck, let the winds of time blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead.
Not being able to confront him and get answers has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around so far. I know I will never get answers and it is hard to come to terms with that. I'm left wondering if he even loved me or wanted to still be with me.
I would recommend finding a counselor who deals with "complicated" grief. I was in a complicated grieving situation (my emotionally abusive and mentally ill first husband took his life about 10 years ago...it was a roller coaster of emotions) and my counselor had no clue what to do with complicated grief. It was frustrating for both of us, but in my small town she was the only option.
Please lean on as many people as you can, and give them permission to be there for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am a lurker as well, who has only posted 1-2 times in the last several years. I also recently lost my husband on Thanksgiving. He took his own life at 38 years and left me with young twins, so I wanted to let you know the things I have had to do in the last 5 weeks that may help you. As far as support, I am seeing a therapist and also plan to attend a support group for widows in a few days. His work and my work both offered free EAP(Employee Assistance Program) appointments which I am fully taking advantage of. I am glad you have the support of Friends/Family- talking has helped me a ton.
As far as financial. File for Social Security ASAP, since you have a little one you may qualify for something for yourself or at least your child. They were unable to set me an appointment until February because they are so far behind. Contact his HR. Find out about life insurance, retirement benefits if any, last paycheck, payout of annual leave/sick leave, survivor benefits, etc. If he was a Veteran?, Veteran benefits through the VA, funeral expenses, GI Bill. Private life insurance outside of work? Was he part of a union? My husband was and qualified for a small benefit. My friends also set up a Go.fund.me and a meal train on the meal.train website-organizing meals for the last month (super helpful, otherwise I would have had a ton a food all at once). You will need to gather birth certificates, marriage certificates (for some paperwork I had to have certified copies), previous marriage divorce decree (if any). Order several copies of death certificates (I got 30, you need one for everything! and they are much cheaper up front). Â It's a lot to process, but it gave me something to focus on.
I am not in the same situation as you, but I know what its like to look through everything, trying to find answers where there isn't any. Everything has to make sense to me, but I realize if it did this wouldn't be such a shock. Just try to focus on 1 day at a time. I found it also helps to give people an out- let them know there isn't anything to say and I don't know what to say either. You can PM me if you want or have any other questions. Â Â Â Â Â
I'm so sorry for your loss. All of this is great advice. Thank you.
I am a lurker and a widow. My husband died unexpectedly too. I found a big secret that I was unaware of that caused his death. It was horrible and I tried to hide it thinking I would be judged. (he was a raging alcoholic that hid his drinking from me for 6 years. He actually died from a blood alcohol content of .398 while I was at work). I didn't seek therapy and counseling and I regret it even 12 years later! Please find a counselor and go!! It will be hard but it will be worth it.
Lean on friends and family. They do want to help but don't know how. Allow them to help you in any small way that you can. PM me! I am here.
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Jan 3, 2017 7:43:16 GMT -5
Sorry for your loss and the added grief from what you found after. Take all the time you need to process everything and do seek out a good grief counselor and lean on your friends and family and always can post here for support. How sad Also I'm sorry for your loss crimson too that's so sad.
Post by jennistarr1 on Jan 3, 2017 10:11:43 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, for your grief and the complications of it. I would do no more looking until you have a counselor in place. We all would be fragile in your position.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this is a complicated situation and it compounds your grief by that much more. No one should have to go through this. I hope your grief counselor is able to help guide you through this. I also am sure your H loved you. These things you found out are so, so hurtful and I'm so sorry you're dealing with them, but I do think he loved you. (((hugs))) friend.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck, let the winds of time blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead.
I was a widow to suicide, coming up on 4 years ago. When I was going through my late H's things, I found naked pictures of another woman in the backpack he used daily for school. I was alone in the house and I still remember screaming in fury and grief. To me, it was intolerable to want so badly to confront him and just have no recourse whatsoever. We had fidelity issues in our relationship in the past, so it was a sore spot to say the least. He was a good person but a shitty husband. I also had (have?) complicated grief and I agree that it requires a therapist who is familiar. For now, I'll say it's ok to feel whatever you feel. You can miss him like crazy and also wish he was alive again just so you can fucking kill him yourself, all at the same time. I know I did.
This unfortunately came out of left field for me, I trusted him immensely and we had never had any issues. But I feel exactly this way. I miss him tremendously and would love to see him walk through the door. But at the same time I am so mad at him for betraying me.