Would like some dating advice please

[nextbigthing]

I'm almost divorced

I had a disastrous first go around with online dating, but then I did meet a nice guy that pursued me and things were good, we broke up recently (amicably, it wasn't a big deal and I knew it was coming)

So I dipped my toe back on match. Got a lot of interest, but I'm trying to not mess with guys I don't think could be right. I met a guy for a beer the other day but eh, he texted after, I was slow to respond, he blocked me (which I thought was overly dramatic but I wasn't really into it anyway).

Met another guy for coffee yesterday and we did hit it off, ended up texting for awhile last night, he asked me out for a second date when we met, he has his son this weekend starting this afternoon, said let's set something up for next week.

This sounds silly, but what do I do now? See if he texts me again today? Text him? I don't want to obsess over it and I'm still open to other things, I just want to be normal and I don't think I know what normal is in the OLD world. What do most people want/expect?

Thanks

[doriswe]

lol...I'm confused by the question! Did you respond to his request to get together again?

[nextbigthing]

Jan 19, 2017 13:45:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

lol...I'm confused by the question! Did you respond to his request to get together again?

Yes! Haha, I told him I would like to go out again after he asked (he asked mid date, then as we were leaving he asked again, said he had his son this weekend but wanted to do something next week). It seemed like we'd set something up soon.

I ended our texting conversation last night bc it was getting late. I'm wondering if I should text him today

[doriswe]

Jan 19, 2017 13:48:58 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Jan 19, 2017 13:45:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

lol...I'm confused by the question! Did you respond to his request to get together again?

Yes! Haha, I told him I would like to go out again after he asked (he asked mid date, then as we were leaving he asked again, said he had his son this weekend but wanted to do something next week). It seemed like we'd set something up soon.

I ended our texting conversation last night bc it was getting late. I'm wondering if I should text him today

I say if you like him and want to continue chatting, text. I think you're overthinking it!

[nextbigthing]

Jan 19, 2017 14:13:19 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Jan 19, 2017 13:48:58 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Yes! Haha, I told him I would like to go out again after he asked (he asked mid date, then as we were leaving he asked again, said he had his son this weekend but wanted to do something next week). It seemed like we'd set something up soon.

I ended our texting conversation last night bc it was getting late. I'm wondering if I should text him today

I say if you like him and want to continue chatting, text. I think you're overthinking it!

Oh I'm totally over-thinking it! Haha. I do want him to know I'm interested but I don't want to come on too strong or desperate (which I'm not). That's why I was asking what the norm was with the stuff.

[glynn]

I have no idea... This online dating thing as been a total mess for me. Started in July or Aug and quit when meet someone in Oct. I never knew what was going on. The guy from Oct we still text some but it has been pretty much over since his birthday weekend in early November. I got together once in December. I am over it. I want to date someone regularly is that so hard? Like know I have a date on the weekend if everything is going good. Not happened yet and I am taking a break from all men.....

[TR]

I'd probably try to wait until Monday and say I hope you had a nice weekend with your son! What were you thinking for this weekend?"

At the most I'd text him tomorrow to say have a good weekend.

[carowen]

Ditto PP about waiting to text him until Monday. He may text you in the interim but I feel like texting is weird in that it can give a false sense of closeness. I've found in the early stages especially, some distance between communications helps keep things from moving too quickly into a false sense of...relationship. And it gives you some things to talk about if you're not chatting all day, every day.

[bl]

What had you been doing prior to the first date? Some guys I would text pretty frequently as we would just check in to say how was your day, small chit chat. Other guys we didn't communicate a ton between dates until after a few. I usually just continued with whatever had kind of been the norm before that.

[nextbigthing]

Jan 19, 2017 16:31:02 GMT -5 bl said:

What had you been doing prior to the first date? Some guys I would text pretty frequently as we would just check in to say how was your day, small chit chat. Other guys we didn't communicate a ton between dates until after a few. I usually just continued with whatever had kind of been the norm before that.

We met on match 5 or 6 days ago and were messaging off and on throughout the day.

He ended up texting me today checking in, we chatted back and forth (probably 12 texts total). I never know when to 'end' the conversation, he texted last but it didn't really require a response , I figured I may text before bed and say "hope you're having fun with DS, good night".

Why is this so damn hard? Please someone drop a nice guy on my doorstep I can be with for the next 50 years

[doglove]

I don't like to play games, if I'm into someone I text them and hope they'd do the same.

[nextbigthing]

Jan 20, 2017 14:09:24 GMT -5 doglove said:

I don't like to play games, if I'm into someone I text them and hope they'd do the same.

I think I feel this way too, if I like him and I text him and he texts me back then that's a good thing. I know that I should let him chase me but that gets exhausting.

I just don't want to come across as pushy either. I guess the bottom line is I think I want someone that is so interested in me that they want to talk to me everyday, but I know that I can't make someone do that, they either will or they won't

[doglove]

I think a healthy amount of communication in both directions is always a good thing.

[nextbigthing]

Jan 20, 2017 18:07:11 GMT -5 doglove said:

I think a healthy amount of communication in both directions is always a good thing.

Lack of communication is what killed my last relationship so I want to do things better next time

[itsmyparty]

I think how you respond depends in part on what you're looking for in a man. In this situation, I'd maybe text a hello or good morning, but then I'd wait for a response. And I'd wait for him to ask me out before I brought it up again. This is because I'm looking for a man that shows effort and demonstrates he's really interested in me rather than just someone looking to fill his time.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 22, 2017 19:48:54 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

I think how you respond depends in part on what you're looking for in a man. In this situation, I'd maybe text a hello or good morning, but then I'd wait for a response. And I'd wait for him to ask me out before I brought it up again. This is because I'm looking for a man that shows effort and demonstrates he's really interested in me rather than just someone looking to fill his time.

so much this ... I don't want to waste my time and money (sitters $$$) on someone who won't put in the effort. I was SMITTEN by a guy I had gone out w a few then he stopped contacting me but I contacted him a few times and he always responded but never started the convo. So I stopped sending him anything ... HE texted me last Sunday and again last night w/ NOTHING from me in between. My days of chasing guys are over - if you aren't interested, fine, someone else will be and it's your loss.

[nextbigthing]

Jan 23, 2017 16:28:22 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Jan 22, 2017 19:48:54 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

I think how you respond depends in part on what you're looking for in a man. In this situation, I'd maybe text a hello or good morning, but then I'd wait for a response. And I'd wait for him to ask me out before I brought it up again. This is because I'm looking for a man that shows effort and demonstrates he's really interested in me rather than just someone looking to fill his time.

so much this ... I don't want to waste my time and money (sitters $$$) on someone who won't put in the effort. I was SMITTEN by a guy I had gone out w a few then he stopped contacting me but I contacted him a few times and he always responded but never started the convo. So I stopped sending him anything ... HE texted me last Sunday and again last night w/ NOTHING from me in between. My days of chasing guys are over - if you aren't interested, fine, someone else will be and it's your loss.

You're right and I took this and itsmyparty advice. He and I met for coffee Wednesday, he said he wanted to go out again, we texted a little Thursday and Friday and a little during football on Sunday. I was never going to ask him about going out again but I gave him opportunities. He never said anything so I'm moving on.

[doglove]

Good for you nextbigthing. You deserve someone who will make the effort. We all do.

[bl]

I am sorry it didn't work out for you, but glad you got some clarity on what you want.

While I am big on texting/talking I definitely expect the man to be the one to start some of it. My fiancé when we first started dating would almost always text me when he woke up in the afternoon (he worked overnights) since he knew I didn't like to text him while he slept and I would text him before I went to bed each night.

I know some hear think that is overkill, but for me it was important to know he cared enough to take the time out of his day to send a quick message. Even though we live together now, he still works nights and we go 24 hours without seeing each other because of schedules, so he still calls me each day on his way home from work just to say good morning and catch up for 5-10 min.

You can find what you want and you deserve to get it.

[Deleted]

Jan 24, 2017 6:45:43 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Jan 23, 2017 16:28:22 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

so much this ... I don't want to waste my time and money (sitters $$$) on someone who won't put in the effort. I was SMITTEN by a guy I had gone out w a few then he stopped contacting me but I contacted him a few times and he always responded but never started the convo. So I stopped sending him anything ... HE texted me last Sunday and again last night w/ NOTHING from me in between. My days of chasing guys are over - if you aren't interested, fine, someone else will be and it's your loss.

You're right and I took this and itsmyparty advice. He and I met for coffee Wednesday, he said he wanted to go out again, we texted a little Thursday and Friday and a little during football on Sunday. I was never going to ask him about going out again but I gave him opportunities. He never said anything so I'm moving on.

So you texted less than 48 hours ago?

IDK, to me that doesn't sound like you need to throw in the towel yet. I mean do what you want, but I don't think everyone necessarily moves super fast on this stuff. I remember stressing a LOT at the beginning of my relationship with my FI about texting. We'd sometimes go a couple of days between texts and I recall that I was the one who initiated setting up our second date (which he had indicated interest in - but I sent the "so when do you want to hang out this weekend?" text). 

I know now that he's HORRIBLE with his phone, it dies all the time, and he's not a big texter in general. Like, I'm almost the only person he texts at all. I guess you could argue that if he was SUPER into me at the beginning that he would have made a point of charging his phone, but on the other hand I know he WAS into me and we've been together over 3 years and we're getting married, so I'm pretty sure his slow texting was no indication whatsoever of how things were going to go.

I don't think you need to give a big chance to every nice person you meet, but I do think people write off people too fast in the OLD world these days. And while I don't personally want to chase someone either, I don't consider it chasing to ask someone if they want to hang out. If it's ALWAYS you initiating, that's one thing, but in the beginning both parties are nervous. Neither knows what is too fast or too pushy or not pushy enough. Putting it 100% on him to do the plan making doesn't seem necessary to me. 

[nextbigthing]

Jan 24, 2017 14:55:55 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Jan 24, 2017 6:45:43 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

You're right and I took this and itsmyparty advice. He and I met for coffee Wednesday, he said he wanted to go out again, we texted a little Thursday and Friday and a little during football on Sunday. I was never going to ask him about going out again but I gave him opportunities. He never said anything so I'm moving on.

So you texted less than 48 hours ago?

IDK, to me that doesn't sound like you need to throw in the towel yet. I mean do what you want, but I don't think everyone necessarily moves super fast on this stuff. I remember stressing a LOT at the beginning of my relationship with my FI about texting. We'd sometimes go a couple of days between texts and I recall that I was the one who initiated setting up our second date (which he had indicated interest in - but I sent the "so when do you want to hang out this weekend?" text). 

I know now that he's HORRIBLE with his phone, it dies all the time, and he's not a big texter in general. Like, I'm almost the only person he texts at all. I guess you could argue that if he was SUPER into me at the beginning that he would have made a point of charging his phone, but on the other hand I know he WAS into me and we've been together over 3 years and we're getting married, so I'm pretty sure his slow texting was no indication whatsoever of how things were going to go.

I don't think you need to give a big chance to every nice person you meet, but I do think people write off people too fast in the OLD world these days. And while I don't personally want to chase someone either, I don't consider it chasing to ask someone if they want to hang out. If it's ALWAYS you initiating, that's one thing, but in the beginning both parties are nervous. Neither knows what is too fast or too pushy or not pushy enough. Putting it 100% on him to do the plan making doesn't seem necessary to me. 

Yes, we texted on Sunday night.

This is exactly my problem. He seems really nice and we had a great first date. I agree that I want to be pursued but I can't help but wonder would I regret a quick "Hi, how was your day, did you still want to try to get together again" text this afternoon. What's the worst that happens, he says "thanks but no thanks?", I could handle that.

[Deleted]

Jan 24, 2017 15:02:07 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Jan 24, 2017 14:55:55 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

So you texted less than 48 hours ago?

IDK, to me that doesn't sound like you need to throw in the towel yet. I mean do what you want, but I don't think everyone necessarily moves super fast on this stuff. I remember stressing a LOT at the beginning of my relationship with my FI about texting. We'd sometimes go a couple of days between texts and I recall that I was the one who initiated setting up our second date (which he had indicated interest in - but I sent the "so when do you want to hang out this weekend?" text). 

I know now that he's HORRIBLE with his phone, it dies all the time, and he's not a big texter in general. Like, I'm almost the only person he texts at all. I guess you could argue that if he was SUPER into me at the beginning that he would have made a point of charging his phone, but on the other hand I know he WAS into me and we've been together over 3 years and we're getting married, so I'm pretty sure his slow texting was no indication whatsoever of how things were going to go.

I don't think you need to give a big chance to every nice person you meet, but I do think people write off people too fast in the OLD world these days. And while I don't personally want to chase someone either, I don't consider it chasing to ask someone if they want to hang out. If it's ALWAYS you initiating, that's one thing, but in the beginning both parties are nervous. Neither knows what is too fast or too pushy or not pushy enough. Putting it 100% on him to do the plan making doesn't seem necessary to me. 

Yes, we texted on Sunday night.

This is exactly my problem. He seems really nice and we had a great first date. I agree that I want to be pursued but I can't help but wonder would I regret a quick "Hi, how was your day, did you still want to try to get together again" text this afternoon. What's the worst that happens, he says "thanks but no thanks?", I could handle that.

I would 100% send a text like that. What do you have to lose? 

I also think it's ok for you guys to pursue each other But I am admittedly not old fashioned. FI paid for our second date but I still would have seen him again if we had split the check, lol. I'd rather get to know someone than play a game where you have to follow some rules, KWIM? 

[bl]

If your gut is telling you to send that text then send it. You don't have to follow any rules. Do what feels right to you and if he's right it will work.

[nextbigthing]

Jan 24, 2017 15:13:20 GMT -5 bl said:

If your gut is telling you to send that text then send it. You don't have to follow any rules. Do what feels right to you and if he's right it will work.

This is good advice, thank you.

I think what I struggle with is I see both sides, and I hate the thought of the "what if"

[doglove]

IDK it's been a week since you saw him without him suggesting another time to get together after saying he would like to do it again. If he meant what he said, his actions would match. Is he texting you or leaving you days on end with nothing unless you text him?

[nextbigthing]

Jan 25, 2017 8:56:42 GMT -5 doglove said:

IDK it's been a week since you saw him without him suggesting another time to get together after saying he would like to do it again. If he meant what he said, his actions would match. Is he texting you or leaving you days on end with nothing unless you text him?

I didn't text him again yesterday and I think that's why.

Here's what happened

Coffee last Wednesday, wanted to go out again
Texted Wednesday evening
I texted him Thursday and we chatted (he picked up his son for custody that afternoon)
He texted me Friday and we chatted
I texted him Sunday about football, asked about his weekend, we texted 15-20 times then I didn't respond after I asked something with his son and he answered but with nothing further to really talk about so I didn't say anything else.

I know I should let this go. The only thing I'm wondering is if he thinks I'm a jerk for ending the last conversation. I feel like sending one last ditch text just to see how he responds

So Sunday night was the last time we chatted.

[doglove]

It's not going to hurt anything to send a last text if you want to. Honestly, I end text conversations when there isn't anything further to talk about or a question.

[jigsy]

I fucking hate texting, and this is why. There is way too much left up to interpretation. I think this is why I fail OLD - people just want to sit and text all day - I don't know you, stop talking to me all day long.

[nextbigthing]

Jan 25, 2017 16:39:35 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I fucking hate texting, and this is why. There is way too much left up to interpretation. I think this is why I fail OLD - people just want to sit and text all day - I don't know you, stop talking to me all day long.

It's fucking exhausting trying to be a damn mind reader. I honestly do not remember how I used to date before I was married. There was no online dating then, there was no texting. I honestly don't remember how my ex-husband and I communicated, I guess we talked on the phone in the evenings. I don't want to text all day long, I don't have time for it, I just like someone to give me some clue what the hell's going on

[kanga1]

I think there is no right or wrong answer, just do whatever feels right in the situation. Some guys I've texted a lot with right away, others not so much. And each situation felt neither right or wrong, just kind of go with what YOU feel with each guy. Kind of like sleeping with guys. What is fast for one might be slow for another and it may be different with different guys. Some guys you just hit it off with faster while others you need to get to know them.