Wednesday

[bk1]

I've been reading just not posting much. My back still is hurting. It gets better then I over work it and it gets worse. I was feeling pretty good last night but am hurting pretty good this morning. I had to sleep propped up because my nose is stuffed up and since I didn't sleep flat on my back now it's spasming again. Grrr.

DH and G are sick. Still undetermined if I am sick. We are just a mess in this house right now.

Hoping today is a better day for everyone.

[estrellita]

Hope you get some relief for your back soon bk1!

I'm laying in bed and should really get up.. I do this every morning and idk why. At least H doesn't work job 2 this morning so I have more time!

[MrsMB]

bk1 I hope you get some relief soon for your back. Also Happy Birthday!!!

Upper respiratory crud here too with me and L. Not fun

[amaranth]

Happy birthday, bk1!!! I hope your feel better and can enjoy the day.


I ended up with a migraine yesterday and was out of commission until 10pm. Today I'll need to pick up the pieces of our destroyed house from the kids running wild all day while I laid on the couch.

[luv2rn4fun]

bk1- Happy birthday!! I hope your back feels better soon and you can get some time to yourself today. Healing thoughts for your DH and G as well.

MrsMB- hope you and L feel better soon.

suzv- hope you feel better soon and the rest of this week goes by fast for you.

[wanderingenough]

Wow, healing thoughts for everyone!

amaranth, I'm with you. I had a nasty migraine hit yesterday afternoon and was finally able to get to sleep last night but I've got a rebound headache lingering today.

[katespade]

Today is the big day - Getting my BC removed this afternoon. It's starting to feel real, and I'm terrified. I can't decide if I'm more scared of getting pregnant or of not being able to get pregnant.

[grover]

Today would have been my FIL's 66th birthday. I know my H is having all sorts of feels today.


A and I are taking the train downtown in a few hours to do a research study. I get a "gift" upon completion. I'm hoping it's either cash or a free carrier. Then we'll walk to H's work, say hi, then wander around downtown or just hang at the train station til he gets off (should finish study shortly after 3, and he gets off at 5) so we can take the train home together.

[tacocat]

Hope your house feels better soon bk1!

Good luck today katespade!

I'm about to do some cleaning. I took DS to MIL's house this morning so I could get some things done. I was going to take the dog for a walk, but it's supposed to rain all day.

[amaranth]

May 24, 2017 10:14:18 GMT -5 grover said:

Today would have been my FIL's 66th birthday. I know my H is having all sorts of feels today.


A and I are taking the train downtown in a few hours to do a research study. I get a "gift" upon completion. I'm hoping it's either cash or a free carrier. Then we'll walk to H's work, say hi, then wander around downtown or just hang at the train station til he gets off (should finish study shortly after 3, and he gets off at 5) so we can take the train home together.

That sounds fun! Hope the gift is good

[estrellita]

I think I'm being paranoid. If you guys remember, I've had issues with H smoking. I have been noticing a couple things that make me question if he is again but it's not enough that I'm ready to ask. I have no clue how he'd be paying for it as he no longer has a physical credit card I'm not on. I haven't noticed any unusual charges. Only thing is maybe he's going to get gas, then buying some then? The things I'm noticing is that he always wants to go somewhere (like the grocery store after I'm in bed) and sometimes when he gets home, he uses mouthwash before he even eats. Odd to me (and I truly believe there's not a cheating issue at all). Obviously I have reason not to trust him but I really want to. I'm not sure what I'd do if he was smoking again. Please tell me I'm just being crazy

[katespade]

estrellita - Those would be red flags for me, too. Especially with his history. Honestly, if it were me, I would think those are enough red flags to confront him. I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

[luv2rn4fun]

((Hugs)) estrellita. I would be thinking the same thing and probably confront him sooner than later (even saying that you don't believe that he is but these certain actions are causing doubt). It's very possible that you being pregnant and the stress of having another baby (regardless of how much he wants another) has caused him to relapse. I would want to know sooner than later so you guys can address it or so your mind is at ease. You don't need any more stress...not good for you or baby.

[melsamoony]

estrellita I think you should talk to him if you are worried.

Trying to get DS to nap so I can take the dog to the vet. Then I plan to try to tackle the mountain of dishes in my sink and if I am super ambitious some laundry too.

Super tired today so Idk how much I will truly accomplish.

[pooh8402]

happy birthday bk1! hope you feel better soon!

good luck today katespade!

estrellita, I would probably be thinking the same. DH definitely relapses into dipping when he is stressed (and he is currently in a relapse). I can't make him quit and he knows I hate it, so I have to mostly wait for him to actually do so. it sucks. but, DH doesn't lie to me about it. I would probably tell your H what you noticed, but try not to be accusatory.


AFM, I got my hearing aid reprogrammed today and I'm hoping it will work better! and I have a meeting with my boss today to discuss my orientation (FX it goes well, there's been some issues that I haven't spoken about here). bad news: I dropped my phone in the toilet this morning. it's currently sitting in a bag of rice, but I have a basic flip phone in the meantime while I await a replacement (I hope we have free replacements, I'm not the account owner so they couldn't tell me). basic flip phone sucks!

[estrellita]

Thanks all! luv2rn4fun if he is, that's probably it. It happened after I got pregnant with E (we had both recently quit), then again after my surgery. I wish he'd find a better way to deal with stress. And not lie to me. It's the lying that bothers me most, or would if it were true. Just need to figure out how to word things so I'm not being accusatory or anything.

[MrsMB]

pooh8402 DD picked up DH's can of dip the other day (it was empty and I was right there to have her hand it over) and said, "Dada?" I told DH about it and it just about crushed him. He too is also in the middle of a (LONG) relapse. That right there was enough to make him say he would be looking to quit again soon. I HATE it. Spit cups are the worst.

MIL leaves tomorrow. She was only supposed to stay a few days...even DH said he was surprised she was still here. He called me to discuss it. I confirmed that I thought she was trying to see if we would just forget that she was there and just "camp out forever." We had a discussion that could have gotten REALLY difficult REALLY quick. Despite us agreeing last year that we both handled our respective families and our "5 day stay rule," he still tried to get me to be the one to talk to her. But I calmly...oh, so calmly...reminded him of our agreement. It's literally an answer to a prayer that I was as calm as I was. I could feel DH's emotions flaring up. So I just handled myself accordingly....and now, she's leaving tomorrow after he chatted with her and said all is well. She admitted she was trying to stay through Friday. Which is fine...one more day. But she was pushing the boundary we had set a year ago...and I was already starting to panic this morning about her trying to camp out indefinitely. I'm just glad that DH stepped up to the plate on his end of our bargain and didn't make me the bad guy again. The stuff his parents did to me and said to me after he told them last year that we wanted family visits to be kept to 5 days or less was enough to send any normal person into therapy. I'm glad I'm not going to be demonized again.

[estrellita]

Welp, I should trust my instincts more. I knew exactly what he was doing. He's been buying cigarettes again behind my back when he goes to the store. I feel like any idiot for ever trusting him. He's giving me BS about wanting to tell me but being afraid to. He's stressed, blah blah blah. Same old, same old.

I don't know what to do. He thinks nothing of his family. I don't want to be done but 3rd strike you're out, KWIM? I don't deserve this and neither do E and #2. I just want to scream and punch something but instead I'm crying in the bathroom at work. I just want to go home. Without H.

[katespade]

(((estrellita ))) I am so, so sorry that you were right. I'm glad that you listened to your instincts and said something. Remember that you don't have to make any decisions right now. Take some time to think through your options, and ask him to find somewhere else to go for a while if that's what you need. There are consequences to his actions, and he needs to realize that his excuses aren't good enough anymore. He's trying to deflect the blame for his lies onto you, and that isn't okay. This is not your fault. It's 100% his fault, and he needs to own that. Don't let him try to turn it around on you.

We're here for you if you need anything at all.

[estrellita]

Thanks ewall. It's definitely more about the trust and money than anything. I'm happy it's not hard drugs, alcohol, etc, but still. I'm just so frustrated with it and don't want to deal with it anymore.

[katespade]

estrellita - And last time was a pretty major money issue, right? I seem to remember that it went well beyond smoking behind your back. I mean, he should still be working on gaining your trust back from that (i.e. proving he can handle having his own credit card, etc), and instead he's actively finding ways to hide purchases from you. No matter what he's using the money for, that's a serious issue.

[estrellita]

May 24, 2017 15:33:57 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - And last time was a pretty major money issue, right? I seem to remember that it went well beyond smoking behind your back. I mean, he should still be working on gaining your trust back from that (i.e. proving he can handle having his own credit card, etc), and instead he's actively finding ways to hide purchases from you. No matter what he's using the money for, that's a serious issue.

Exactly! Yes, it was about 1k on a credit card and I had no clue about it. Now he's hiding it with groceries and gas. I swear he's left receipts out, why haven't I been looking at them?

I don't know what to do money wise. Obviously I can't trust him and I don't want him to drain our money. But I also don't want to cut him of completely since it's his money too and he's an adult.

I told him he needs to figure things out on his own this time (counseling, how to gain my trust again, etc) because I'm not putting in any more effort. He's proven to me that I'm worth exactly nothing to him. So why should I even bother anymore?

[katespade]

estrellita - Would it be possible to separate your finances? Like, completely different bank accounts? I totally get not wanting to cut him off from his own money, but a change like that could help protect your portion of income while you're deciding what you want to do/how you want to move forward. It might also show him how serious you are about showing him the door if he doesn't step up and figure his shit out.

[estrellita]

May 24, 2017 15:54:55 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Would it be possible to separate your finances? Like, completely different bank accounts? I totally get not wanting to cut him off from his own money, but a change like that could help protect your portion of income while you're deciding what you want to do/how you want to move forward. It might also show him how serious you are about showing him the door if he doesn't step up and figure his shit out.

I have thought about this but I also hated having separate accounts and trying to pay everything half and half. It was such a pain in the ass and I'm afraid I'll end up paying all the bills because he has NO control when it comes to money. I don't want myself or E to suffer because H can't pay his half of the bills or whatever. But then again if I decide to be done, that will be inevitable for some things.

[katespade]

May 24, 2017 15:58:20 GMT -5 estrellita said:

May 24, 2017 15:54:55 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Would it be possible to separate your finances? Like, completely different bank accounts? I totally get not wanting to cut him off from his own money, but a change like that could help protect your portion of income while you're deciding what you want to do/how you want to move forward. It might also show him how serious you are about showing him the door if he doesn't step up and figure his shit out.

I have thought about this but I also hated having separate accounts and trying to pay everything half and half. It was such a pain in the ass and I'm afraid I'll end up paying all the bills because he has NO control when it comes to money. I don't want myself or E to suffer because H can't pay his half of the bills or whatever. But then again if I decide to be done, that will be inevitable for some things.

Does he use direct deposit? If so, I would have his bills money direct deposited into your account and what's left deposited into his. That way you control your money and the amount he owes toward bills, and he controls the rest of his money. That would also give him ownership of the opportunity to show you how serious he is about gaining your trust back.

[pooh8402]

May 24, 2017 16:00:51 GMT -5 katespade said:

May 24, 2017 15:58:20 GMT -5 estrellita said:

I have thought about this but I also hated having separate accounts and trying to pay everything half and half. It was such a pain in the ass and I'm afraid I'll end up paying all the bills because he has NO control when it comes to money. I don't want myself or E to suffer because H can't pay his half of the bills or whatever. But then again if I decide to be done, that will be inevitable for some things.

Does he use direct deposit? If so, I would have his bills money direct deposited into your account and what's left deposited into his. That way you control your money and the amount he owes toward bills, and he controls the rest of his money. That would also give him ownership of the opportunity to show you how serious he is about gaining your trust back.

this is what we do. estrellita, I'm your husband when it comes to money. I'm terrible at managing it and racked up CC debt that I am in the process of paying down. we have the majority of my paycheck going to our joint account, and I have a small amount that goes to my personal account that I do what I want with (which is mostly paying down that CC).

[katespade]

I'm at the doctors office, gown on, waiting for her to come in. Eeeeeee!

[awick14]

Happy birthday bk1!!

(Will read other posts in a bit)

[estrellita]

May 24, 2017 16:25:28 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

May 24, 2017 16:00:51 GMT -5 katespade said:

Does he use direct deposit? If so, I would have his bills money direct deposited into your account and what's left deposited into his. That way you control your money and the amount he owes toward bills, and he controls the rest of his money. That would also give him ownership of the opportunity to show you how serious he is about gaining your trust back.

this is what we do. estrellita, I'm your husband when it comes to money. I'm terrible at managing it and racked up CC debt that I am in the process of paying down. we have the majority of my paycheck going to our joint account, and I have a small amount that goes to my personal account that I do what I want with (which is mostly paying down that CC).

How do you decide how much to put in each? Obviously some bills are fixed but some vary. What about funds for groceries and house related things? We've previously discussed having a separate checking just for bills so we know exactly what we have left over before bills even come out. We've also discussed giving H a checking account with an "allowance" to free spend on the random stuff he likes to buy. I just don't even know where to start with all this.

[katespade]

The goalie has officially been pulled. 😳


Also, found out that my GYN doesn't do OB care. She's the best doctor I've ever had, and I'm really sad. She did say she'll give me some recommendations based on where we decide we want to deliver, but I'm still bummed that I'll have to establish care with someone else.