Wednesday

[krystee]

We did everything but a set of fun money direct deposited into joint, and then a set amount of fun money into each personal account (my H once racked up $1,000 on a card I didn't know about too). Now we just have one account and ironically he is better at managing it than I am, but we did the separate fun money accounts for about three years.

Before making any decisions, I would probably request a copy of his credit report to make sure only the smoking issue has relapsed and not the spending habits. I doubt he has hidden anything else, but if he lied in one area, I'd want to make absolutely sure.

[estrellita]

katespade my gyn didn't do OB either and I was sad! I don't LOVE my OB but she's good. Even if you don't end up totally loving your OB, it's only for a short time. Obviously it's an important thing so you don't want to hate your doctor either, lol. GL!

krystee that's a good idea about the credit report. Make sure he didn't open a new card or something. When I feel like actually talking to him again I'll request it. We carpooled so it's a fun awkward ride home with me just talking to E. Ugh. I hate this.

[melsamoony]

estrellita I am so mad on your behalf! I agree with your positiom to put the responsibility to fix this and earn your trust back entirelu on him.

I also second other poster's money suggestions as that way your H will be the one feeling the impace of his poor decisions. My only suggestion woukd be to make sure you have access to the accounts as well since your trust has already been broken with him.

Are you home from work yet? Hope you are able to relax.

[estrellita]

melsamoony Just got in. H is cooking tacos tonight so I'm just going to do whatever with E while he's doing that.

I plan on being joint if we open him another account. One of the banks we use allows you to have I think 3 checking accounts and you can change which account your debit card is tied to. So that's probably what we'd end up doing. We already have everything coming out of our main checking account (at a different bank) except for extra payments, so maybe we'd just throw X amount in his new account so he can have at it. If he wants to smoke, fine, just don't lie about it.

[estrellita]

I said screw the tacos and sent H to get McDonalds. He'll make tacos Fri instead. I was hungry and didn't want to wait for food to cook, haha. Ugh. I just want it to be bedtime so I can go in the bedroom away from H. I just want nothing to do with him right now. I'm glad we haven't booked anything for vacation yet because idk if I want to go anymore. I was looking forward to it but spending a week in the car with H sounds like hell right now.

[katespade]

estrellita - Do you have a guest room he can sleep in so you can have some space to think things through?

[estrellita]

May 24, 2017 19:18:05 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Do you have a guest room he can sleep in so you can have some space to think things through?

He already sleeps on the couch most nights. I have trouble falling back asleep so when he gets up early he sleeps out there to not wake me up. Other nights he just falls asleep watching TV and doesn't want to come to bed at like 3am. But we do also have an extra room with a futon if needed. E will be going to bed soon, then I'll probably go into the bedroom, download Hulu on my tablet, and watch Handmaids Tale without him. We were watching it together, but fuck it.

[pooh8402]

May 24, 2017 17:17:15 GMT -5 estrellita said:

May 24, 2017 16:25:28 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

this is what we do. estrellita , I'm your husband when it comes to money. I'm terrible at managing it and racked up CC debt that I am in the process of paying down. we have the majority of my paycheck going to our joint account, and I have a small amount that goes to my personal account that I do what I want with (which is mostly paying down that CC).

How do you decide how much to put in each? Obviously some bills are fixed but some vary. What about funds for groceries and house related things? We've previously discussed having a separate checking just for bills so we know exactly what we have left over before bills even come out. We've also discussed giving H a checking account with an "allowance" to free spend on the random stuff he likes to buy. I just don't even know where to start with all this.

it's an "allowance," and is my choice, decided by me prior to us getting married, because I know I'm shit with money. it's really a small amount, between 5 and 8% of my paycheck. it's a fixed amount per paycheck, then the rest is deposited into our joint account. 

[estrellita]

Thanks pooh8402. I like that you know you aren't great with money and actively try to find a solution instead of just hiding it!

Apparently my tablet isn't compatible with the Hulu app. Grrr. That kills my plan. I don't want to bring my laptop in or try watching it on my phone

[melsamoony]

estrellita maybed just take a break for tonight from finding a solution. Give yourself some time to process and enjoy your show. ((Hugs))

[estrellita]

Thanks melsamoony. I think I will drag my laptop into the bedroom to watch Hulu on since it won't work on my tablet. H is literally just laying on the couch with a blanket over him. Really? Maybe you should do something productive because I'm sure as hell not right now!

[wanderingenough]

Happy Birthday bk1! I somehow missed that earlier!

[melsamoony]

That sounds like a good plan estrellita. Give yourself space and time as well as the freedom to explore what you are feeling.

[katespade]

Also, my mom apparently remembered that my appt was today (I told her on Mother's Day), and she sent me an email to let me know she was thinking of me. That was all it said, just that she was thinking of me.

I'm seriously so excited for the day I get to tell her she's going to be a grandma.

[bk1]

Thank you for all the birthday wishes! I called a do over by 7am this morning. We are all still recovering (I feel like I have a cold) so just stayed in our pajamas and watched a lot of tv today. 

estrellita I'm so sorry. It sounds like you knew what was happening. I agree that you can't *make* him quit but maybe spitting of money (fun money separate from bill money or something) is a good place to start. I agree that the break of trust is by far the worst thing. I hope you two can talk and he can really show you that he is sorry and truly wants to change and make it better. We are here to talk anytime you need us! 

[bk1]

May 24, 2017 21:46:01 GMT -5 katespade said:

Also, my mom apparently remembered that my appt was today (I told her on Mother's Day), and she sent me an email to let me know she was thinking of me. That was all it said, just that she was thinking of me.

I'm seriously so excited for the day I get to tell her she's going to be a grandma.

@@@

When I told my mom she cried. And she isn't a crier usually. It was the best thing.  (heart)  So excited for you!!!

[katespade]

May 24, 2017 21:48:38 GMT -5 bk1 said:

May 24, 2017 21:46:01 GMT -5 katespade said:

Also, my mom apparently remembered that my appt was today (I told her on Mother's Day), and she sent me an email to let me know she was thinking of me. That was all it said, just that she was thinking of me.

I'm seriously so excited for the day I get to tell her she's going to be a grandma.

@@@

When I told my mom she cried. And she isn't a crier usually. It was the best thing.  (heart)  So excited for you!!!

My mom tends to be really subtle with her emotions, so I was surprised to get the amount of reaction I did when I told her we're TTC. I love that she's so excited for us.

[luv2rn4fun]

katespade- I am so excited for you!! Wishing you the best of luck!

estrellita- I am pissed for you. I am sorry you were right. Prayers that you find peace in whatever decision you end up making. We are here for you.

[awick14]

bk1- I hope your back pain goes away soon.

Sending healing thoughts too everyone who needs them. And cleaning my hands so you all don't get me sick! Lol

((estrellita))- 😞 I am so sorry. You do deserve someone who can be truthful and that you can trust. I have no idea what I would do in your situation. We are here for you. I agree with katespade, don't make any decisions right now, at least not any permanent ones. Also ask him to stay somewhere else for a night or two if you need the space right now. And he needs to continue the second job for sure. He can't quit that if he's still smoking.

pooh8402- I had to use a basic flip phone years ago when my phone broke and it was awful. I hope you get a new phone soon.

MrsMB- I'm glad she is leaving soon. Such a relief!

My sister watched DD for 2 hrs today, while DH and I removed 90% of the damaged stuff out of our house. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and we still haven't heard from the insurance company on it this is going to be covered or not. Urg! Tomorrow I am starting to look for a bathroom vanity. I need a plumber to help us with an outside tap so I'm just going to have one come and do the plumbing that was messed up inside as well. But I need to purchase the vanity before the plumber comes.

[estrellita]

Thanks again everyone, I appreciate it. I'm a little afraid to know what else he might be hiding. I just want to stay home today and do nothing but that's not going to help anything. Maybe if I'm still feeling horrible later I'll leave early. I don't know.

[katespade]

estrellita - Sending you good thoughts and prayers. Do you have PTO available? Maybe a mental health day is exactly what you need right now. Send E to daycare, send your H to work, and spend a day relaxing by yourself. You deserve it.

[estrellita]

May 25, 2017 8:49:48 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Sending you good thoughts and prayers. Do you have PTO available? Maybe a mental health day is exactly what you need right now. Send E to daycare, send your H to work, and spend a day relaxing by yourself. You deserve it.

I do. But I'm saving most for appointments and I have to save a week for ML. Plus we're so crazy busy I'd feel guilty taking time off when I don't really need to. I'm actually considering doing more OT this weekend just to stay away from H, but I hate taking more time from E. H works later tonight so at least I can avoid him a little more today.

[katespade]

May 25, 2017 10:50:30 GMT -5 estrellita said:

May 25, 2017 8:49:48 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Sending you good thoughts and prayers. Do you have PTO available? Maybe a mental health day is exactly what you need right now. Send E to daycare, send your H to work, and spend a day relaxing by yourself. You deserve it.

I do. But I'm saving most for appointments and I have to save a week for ML. Plus we're so crazy busy I'd feel guilty taking time off when I don't really need to. I'm actually considering doing more OT this weekend just to stay away from H, but I hate taking more time from E. H works later tonight so at least I can avoid him a little more today.

Can you and E go somewhere this weekend? Heck, maybe even get a hotel for a night! That way you get time away from your H without missing out on E. Or, better yet, tell your H he needs to find somewhere else to go this weekend because you need time away from him. 

[estrellita]

May 25, 2017 11:08:56 GMT -5 katespade said:

May 25, 2017 10:50:30 GMT -5 estrellita said:

I do. But I'm saving most for appointments and I have to save a week for ML. Plus we're so crazy busy I'd feel guilty taking time off when I don't really need to. I'm actually considering doing more OT this weekend just to stay away from H, but I hate taking more time from E. H works later tonight so at least I can avoid him a little more today.

Can you and E go somewhere this weekend? Heck, maybe even get a hotel for a night! That way you get time away from your H without missing out on E. Or, better yet, tell your H he needs to find somewhere else to go this weekend because you need time away from him. 

I don't think we could afford a hotel, lol. I am thinking of asking him to stay at his parents. I do like having help with E but I also just feel angry and upset around H so... idk.

[katespade]

May 25, 2017 11:49:49 GMT -5 estrellita said:

May 25, 2017 11:08:56 GMT -5 katespade said:

Can you and E go somewhere this weekend? Heck, maybe even get a hotel for a night! That way you get time away from your H without missing out on E. Or, better yet, tell your H he needs to find somewhere else to go this weekend because you need time away from him. 

I don't think we could afford a hotel, lol. I am thinking of asking him to stay at his parents. I do like having help with E but I also just feel angry and upset around H so... idk.

Don't ask him, tell him. If you need him to stay with his parents for a few days so you have time to clear your head and figure out how you want to move forward, tell him to pack a bag and GTFO. Make him see that there are real consequences to his actions, and take care of yourself by putting your needs first. If he's not going to take care of you, then it's time for you to take care of yourself. 

[estrellita]

May 25, 2017 11:55:27 GMT -5 katespade said:

May 25, 2017 11:49:49 GMT -5 estrellita said:

I don't think we could afford a hotel, lol. I am thinking of asking him to stay at his parents. I do like having help with E but I also just feel angry and upset around H so... idk.

Don't ask him, tell him. If you need him to stay with his parents for a few days so you have time to clear your head and figure out how you want to move forward, tell him to pack a bag and GTFO. Make him see that there are real consequences to his actions, and take care of yourself by putting your needs first. If he's not going to take care of you, then it's time for you to take care of yourself. 

Thank you. Makes sense. I suppose I should get used to doing things myself just in case. I keep thinking about what he's apparently going to do and trying to decide if it's ever really going to be enough. I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

[katespade]

May 25, 2017 12:11:22 GMT -5 estrellita said:

May 25, 2017 11:55:27 GMT -5 katespade said:

Don't ask him, tell him. If you need him to stay with his parents for a few days so you have time to clear your head and figure out how you want to move forward, tell him to pack a bag and GTFO. Make him see that there are real consequences to his actions, and take care of yourself by putting your needs first. If he's not going to take care of you, then it's time for you to take care of yourself. 

Thank you. Makes sense. I suppose I should get used to doing things myself just in case. I keep thinking about what he's apparently going to do and trying to decide if it's ever really going to be enough. I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

If nothing else, a few days apart might help give both of you the space you need to figure out what's next. He needs to decide whether he's willing to actually step up to take care of his family or not. You could even consider setting some expectations for him. Like, when he comes home he needs to have a plan ready to sit down and go over with you. Creating deadlines to go along with your expectations might hold him more accountable to actually following through with them so he can't keep you in limbo forever. 

[katespade]

I wish I could give you a giant hug right now, estrellita.

[awick14]

((estrellita)) you did couples counseling in the past did that help? Would you think about going again?

[estrellita]

Thanks katespade, I could use one!

The problem I have with giving expectations is that I've done that. He got the second job and paid his CC, and got us into counseling. awick14 it seemed to help. I thought it did. Apparently not. I knew we still had work to do but I wasn't really expecting the same exact thing to happen again. So far he's going to the doctor to get on something to stop smoking and possibly something for anxiety. Cool and all, but how is this going to prevent it from EVER happening again? I was already pretty upset last time. When is it enough? When do I say I don't deserve this anymore? I don't even know how to answer that.