Wednesday

[katespade]

estrellita - Are you in individual counseling? That might be more helpful for you than couples counseling right now. You're the only one who can decide when enough is enough, but I can tell you for sure that you don't deserve this. Not now, and not ever.

[Deleted]

katespade: If you're like me, it's both.
That's sweet about your Mom. I didn't want to have to update anyone so we told no one and it bothered my Mom a bit when she found out (though obviously overshadowed by me being pregnant at the time lol).
bk1: Happy belated birthday!

[estrellita]

May 25, 2017 12:42:42 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Are you in individual counseling? That might be more helpful for you than couples counseling right now. You're the only one who can decide when enough is enough, but I can tell you for sure that you don't deserve this. Not now, and not ever.

I'm not, no. It might help but I don't know. I'll have to look into it. I just feel like all I'll do is talk and talk and it won't actually solve anything, you know?

[katespade]

@opal - My mom does a fantastic job of minding her own business. lol. I know that she doesn't expect me to update her, which takes the pressure off and also gives me someone to talk to if I do want to talk. She and my FIL are the only people we've told, because we know that neither of them will ask questions or bother us about it.

[katespade]

May 25, 2017 12:49:08 GMT -5 estrellita said:

May 25, 2017 12:42:42 GMT -5 katespade said:

estrellita - Are you in individual counseling? That might be more helpful for you than couples counseling right now. You're the only one who can decide when enough is enough, but I can tell you for sure that you don't deserve this. Not now, and not ever.

I'm not, no. It might help but I don't know. I'll have to look into it. I just feel like all I'll do is talk and talk and it won't actually solve anything, you know?

I totally understand that feeling.

If nothing else, though, it can be nice to have someone to talk to who isn't emotionally invested in what's going on. I've been seeing my therapist for almost a year now, and my appointments are a mix of her providing me with tools to help work through my issues and me just having a safe place to talk through my thoughts. Sometimes I'm able to come to conclusions by myself, and sometimes she's there to help guide me through my thought processes in a safe and healthy way. It's been a life changing experience for me and has made a huge difference in my ability to work through difficult situations. 

[awick14]

I second counseling for yourself. If not maybe get a journal and write things out. My counselor has given me topics after each session to write about as well as told me to just write when I feel like it. So far it's helped me out so much. I am seeing her again tonight.

[Deleted]

estrellita: I'm sorry that your suspicions were correct. It's very frustrating when people are so caught up in themselves that they don't see how their behaviour affects others.
And like Katespade said, no deserves to be deceived.
ETA: I agree that counselling may be helpful as both a place to talk & for other more obvious types of "progress".

[HoneySpider]

I'm just catching up....I'm sorry estrellita, I would be really hurt by the lying too

[estrellita]

awick14 I was considering writing things down as a way to get it all out. Might help organize my thoughts and prioritize what I want to do going forward.

[amaranth]

estrellita I'm so sorry you're walking through this mess again I really hope that you two can find a way to make things right and he can get it together. If you need space before trusting again (while he earns it!) That is completely fair. I'm going to PM you on Facebook something that may help.

[awick14]

estrellita- if you do write things out and you don't want to keep what you write you can always burn the paper. I write letters to people when I'm hurt or upset, or patients that I can't say certain things too, and I burn them all, it's very freeing.

[melsamoony]

estrellita I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you need time to process all that has happened. I think time apart from your H this weekend is a good thing. Could you go see your parents so you still have help with E?

[estrellita]

May 25, 2017 17:02:31 GMT -5 melsamoony said:

estrellita I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you need time to process all that has happened. I think time apart from your H this weekend is a good thing. Could you go see your parents so you still have help with E?

I thought about that too but I/we are going to be down that way the next two weekends and I don't want to spend so much on gas

[HoneySpider]

I am usually very budget-conscious but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...estrellita I don't think it's a bad idea to spend a few dollars to get a little separation for a few days if that's what you need. At this point figuring out your relationship (and taking care of yourself mentally/emotionally) is worth the money.

[estrellita]

I'm just going to update in here instead of making a new thread. Told H that after E goes to bed tonight, he needs to stay somewhere else. I told him he can take E Sun night to Mon so I can work a little OT. So that's the current plan.

I thought a little last night about everything. I can totally see how people stay together "for the kids" but I also feel it's really for the parent. The thought of having to split time with E and not see him every day just kills me. I don't know how I could handle that. So it's really not what I want but is it really better for me to be miserable with H so I can be with E? I was also picturing myself alone at the hospital with #2. I don't want to split any time with baby either. I don't want to figure out holidays, events, vacations, etc. Why the fuck is he so selfish?

[estrellita]

I waved bye to E as H was bringing him to his car and I was leaving and proceeded to bawl most of the way to work. I can't do this

[amaranth]

May 26, 2017 7:48:16 GMT -5 estrellita said:

I waved bye to E as H was bringing him to his car and I was leaving and proceeded to bawl most of the way to work. I can't do this

*Hugs*

[bk1]

So many hugs estrellita. I'm so sorry.

[luv2rn4fun]

((Hugs)) estrellita. Praying for you. I can totally relate to your thoughts and feelings on staying for E and baby- it's definitely one of the big reasons I keep fighting for our marriage. But I also know that if things were to stay how they are for awhile longer then I would probably be evaluating at least taking steps towards a separation and eventually deciding that the boys deserve to see us both happy (we just have the one big issue that goes in cycles of improving and back to where we started...I haven't decided if it's a deal breaker for me but have communicated rob DH that I am not 100% committed if things don't change).

[estrellita]

luv2rn4fun I feel the same way about E and baby seeing us happy apart rather than miserable together. I don't ever want them to feel like it's their fault I stayed in an unhappy situation. But would I be happier with E and baby every day or happier apart from H and only see them part time? I have no idea. I guess this weekend will help me decide.

I also had H open another checking account to give him an "allowance" to spend as he chooses and told him if he wants to keep smoking, fine, but pay for it only out of that account. This account will also be for all the other random stuff he wants to spend money on. I told him to just not lie about it anymore. For some dumb reason he couldn't add me (I believe him, I don't think he'd be able to make up the error he got) so if I can't be added, I told him he will be giving me updates and/or giving me statements. So if I do stay, hopefully this will keep him from hiding stuff again but he still can't go crazy like he did with his CCs.

[estrellita]

FWIW he has made appointments to get on ADs and something to stop smoking, so he's doing stuff but like I told him, I don't know if it's going to be enough for me at this point. The damage is done. Trust is gone.

[melsamoony]

estrellita I think the break is good and I think you should also get a counselor to try to work through how you feel. I know you said you didnt like that but I think it would help.

My mom is a big workbook person so if you really don't want to go to a counselor maybe try a workbook? I could ask her for suggestions if you would like.

How did your H react when you said you wanted him staying somewhere else? How are you doing now?

[estrellita]

melsamoony I like the idea of a workbook. I'll have to look into something for this situation. We previously got one (I believe you suggested it) for our money issues and put H in charge of it (work on it together but I wanted him to take responsibility) but that didn't go anywhere.

H was fine staying at his parents. I think he's just doing whatever I want him to do because he knows he fucked up. He just got done at the doctor and is getting on wellbutrin, which should help with everything he's got going on. He deals with depression and anxiety like I do so I try to be understanding but there's a fine line between having these issues and using them as an excuse. I have tried many things to work through my issues. I'm not perfect, but I'm in a much better place because I've put in the effort. He doesn't. I've told him multiple times to go to the doctor but he didn't until now. I hate that it takes something big to finally kick him into gear.

As for me, I'm ok I guess. Thanks for asking. I waver between just being pissed off and being sad that this is happening. We've kinda been one of those couples that people look up to, as weird as that sounds. We usually don't have any major issues. And I realize things could be way worse. He's not abusive, hateful, abusing drugs or alcohol, cheating, none of it. So sometimes I feel like I'm just overreacting but then again, what does it matter? He's broken my trust multiple times and I feel like it'll get better for a while, then it'll happen again. It's a frustrating, never ending cycle. When is it enough for me?

[estrellita]

Ugh I'm considering telling him he doesn't have to leave. I don't want to be alone. I'm still pissed as hell at him but I've calmed down a lot too. I almost would rather give him a list of chores to do around the house so he's here but not in my hair. I just want things to be normal again

[katespade]

estrellita - There is no right or wrong answer. You do what you need to do. If that means sending him away for a few days, then do it. If that means keeping him around so he can make your weekend easier, then do that.

[amaranth]

May 26, 2017 18:42:49 GMT -5 estrellita said:

Ugh I'm considering telling him he doesn't have to leave. I don't want to be alone. I'm still pissed as hell at him but I've calmed down a lot too. I almost would rather give him a list of chores to do around the house so he's here but not in my hair. I just want things to be normal again

To me, this says a lot of good about your relationship. Yes he broke your trust, but you still love him and want to be with him even during a trial. That's someone you want to do life with. I hope he can be the man you deserve.

[estrellita]

May 26, 2017 19:54:28 GMT -5 amaranth said:

May 26, 2017 18:42:49 GMT -5 estrellita said:

Ugh I'm considering telling him he doesn't have to leave. I don't want to be alone. I'm still pissed as hell at him but I've calmed down a lot too. I almost would rather give him a list of chores to do around the house so he's here but not in my hair. I just want things to be normal again

To me, this says a lot of good about your relationship. Yes he broke your trust, but you still love him and want to be with him even during a trial. That's someone you want to do life with. I hope he can be the man you deserve.

Thank you. I told him today that I don't want him to think I don't care because I do. I'm just frustrated and hurt and not sure if or when I'll get over it. He seems to be taking steps but it's like it's too little too late. He said he wants to be better and he's getting help, but I don't get why last time wasn't the time to do that? He knows he has a very long road ahead of him if this is going to work. I have a lot of decisions to make (if we're going to events together coming up, going on vacation, etc). I wish someone could just tell me what to do but obviously no one can.

[krystee]

Now that you have asked him to go, I would stand firm on that so he knows you aren't just folding and he can do whatever. But maybe after the first night, call and tell him to come home.

Based on his initial steps, it sounds like he is committed to changing, which is good! I hope he finds the medicine/treatment to be very helpful and you are able to have a great relationship going forward!

[estrellita]

krystee I already told him to stay, but he needs to basically stay out of my way. I think I'm going to make a list of things that need to get done and have him do as much as he can. We have things going on the next two weekends (if we both go that is) so we really need to get some things done here! If it becomes an issue I have no problem asking him to leave or just going somewhere alone (for a walk, to the store, whatever).