NWPR: Kid Logistics at OOT Wedding

[saraml13]

I'm going to preface this by saying I realize this whole scenario is a fiasco and that the right answer is to leave the kids at home.  However, DH has begged me to try to figure out if there's any way to make the logistics of this work, and specifically asked me to ask my "internet mom friends".  So here goes. (Warning: long)

DH's bff since high school is getting married on Labor Day weekend out of town (Omaha, 6+ hour drive from us). DH is a groomsman.  The bride and groom want DS1 (3 in October) to be the ring bearer. DH has warned them that DS1 is on the young side to be a ring bearer and there's < 30% chance he successfully makes it down the aisle.  They are still very enthusiastic about having his as a ring bearer and claim that whatever he does at the church is "cool".  DH is honored that they think of DS1 as family and wants to humor them by letting DS1 be in the wedding.

Aside from the issues of getting DS1 to behave at the ceremony, there are a bunch of logistical challenges to contend with.  Despite a 2 year engagement, this wedding is incredibly unorganized and we've received very few details.  DH finally sent over a list of questions to the groom, but he only answered about half of them.  Here's what I know.

There's a 5:00 pm church ceremony, followed by cocktail hour (6:00) and dinner (7:00) at a separate, nearby location.  The wedding is adults-only, although the groom said we could bring DS1 to the reception if we really wanted since he is technically in the wedding party.  The groom referenced a wedding party bus that he'd like us to ride on, but gave no indication of when that would be.  So not sure if they are planning on doing photos before the wedding or during happy hour or both, and not sure when/how much they want DS1 to be available for photos.  The groom mentioned that the sister of one of the bridesmaids runs an in-home daycare and would be available for babysitting, but we'd have to figure out how/when to get DS1 to her.  I'm assuming there will be a (non-child friendly) rehearsal dinner and probably a (child friendly-ish) day after brunch or barbecue, but we haven't heard any details yet.

MIL, FIL, and BIL are apparently on the guest list for this party, although no save-the-dates or invites have gone out yet.  BIL is 90% not going and MIL and FIL are 50/50.  

Also complicating things is DS2, who will be 10 months old.  I'm BF, so either way it's a pain.  Bringing him adds another layer of complication to wrangling a toddler and all the logistics.  My parents are willing to watch him if we leave him home, but they aren't particularly enthusiastic about it.  I'm also not particularly enthusiastic about pumping for the weekend away, especially since I've been struggling to keep up with how much he's eating and am worried about my stash making it to the 1 year mark.  

So tell me your thoughts or experiences dealing with little kids at an out of town wedding.  
Would anyone let an almost 3 year old be a ring bearer?  How much logistical hassle is it worth going through as a favor for the bride and groom?  Is it crazy to think about leaving one or both boys with a sitter during the wedding who is well referred but a stranger?  If we do bring DS1, should we also bring DS2?  

[callmekd]

Do you have a sitter/nanny that you could bring with? That's what I would do.

[saraml13]

Jun 27, 2017 9:16:13 GMT -5 callmekd said:

Do you have a sitter/nanny that you could bring with? That's what I would do.

Unfortunately, no.  They are in daycare and 95% of the time we use grandparents or our siblings for babysitting duty.  Every once in awhile we use one of the teachers from daycare, but if we are going to make it to a Friday evening rehearsal, we'd need to leave Friday morning when the teachers are still working.  Also, our only car is a Honda Civic, and that would be a REALLY tight squeeze for a 5th person on 6+ hour car ride.  I suppose we could rent a minivan, but we still don't have a good take along sitter option.

[chrispy1122]

My daughter was a flower girl for H's cousin when she was two. She made it down the aisle but I sent her down and H crouched near the front row so she had a friendly face to go to. Since it was a family wedding we had lots of people to hold and help with our son who was 6 months (we just kept him in the stroller for the outdoor ceremony). The music was too loud for the kids so we hung outside and chatted with the family for awhile and our hotel room was in the same complex so I could leave earlyish in the night with the kids so H could hang out with his family.

We almost always leave the kids home for weddings, with the only exception being family weddings. That's what I probably would do if I were in your shoes and you'll be managing the kids yourself since your H is in the wedding party. Your H may not even be sitting near you to help with dinner if there's a head table. In my experience, if you have the option to leave them home, you and H will have more fun and the kids will have more fun with the grandparents. I know that's not an option for everyone, but if you can leave DS2 that would probably decrease stress too since you'll have only one nap at the most to deal with.

[frozenpeas]

I've had some experience with each part of what you described. It's been painful at times, but we usually suck it up and do what the couple wants.

If I were committed to making it work, I would bring both kids. Depending on how well he does with relative strangers, the sitter that was offered up should be at the church and ready to entertain your son if he gets bored. Maybe they can get to know each other at the rehearsal & rehearsal dinner. Best case is if your in-laws are there, or if you can bring your mom or dad, though.

If you've explained to the bride and groom that all hell can break loose and they still want your son to stand up in the wedding, take their word for it. You can wait with him at the back of the church (beginning of the aisle, whatever) and he can be told to walk to the front to his dad, assuming your H walks up first. Or worst case they can walk together. Then he can go sit down with you--have a seat saved on the end where he can see you.

Take both kids to the reception. If your parents/in-laws are there, great. If not, the sitter should be invited to the reception to help out.

Again, if bride and groom have been warned and they still want to move forward, you can't be held responsible for what happens.

[callmekd]

Jun 27, 2017 9:25:01 GMT -5 saraml13 said:

Jun 27, 2017 9:16:13 GMT -5 callmekd said:

Do you have a sitter/nanny that you could bring with? That's what I would do.

Unfortunately, no.  They are in daycare and 95% of the time we use grandparents or our siblings for babysitting duty.  Every once in awhile we use one of the teachers from daycare, but if we are going to make it to a Friday evening rehearsal, we'd need to leave Friday morning when the teachers are still working.  Also, our only car is a Honda Civic, and that would be a REALLY tight squeeze for a 5th person on 6+ hour car ride.  I suppose we could rent a minivan, but we still don't have a good take along sitter option.

so then the flip-side - what about the daycare person who is related to the bridal party - can you hire her to come to you and watch the boys at your hotel? that's what we did when we took DD1 to a wedding in Chicago with us. 

[erinshelley21]

DS was the ring bearer in my brother's wedding last summer at 2.5. Rehearsal dinner he did great. Wedding he froze and DH ended up being a ring bearer too Seriously, you can't expect perfection from a ring bearer at any age. Or cooperation even lol.

I think the easiest solution would be for your MIL and FIL to go since they are invited already. I know they can be a pain to deal with sometimes but that seems like the easiest way for you to all go, you not have to worry about pumping and also have a semi-enjoyable time.

[frozenpeas]

Jun 27, 2017 9:26:40 GMT -5 callmekd said:

Jun 27, 2017 9:25:01 GMT -5 saraml13 said:

so then the flip-side - what about the daycare person who is related to the bridal party - can you hire her to come to you and watch the boys at your hotel? that's what we did when we took DD1 to a wedding in Chicago with us. 

I'm not the OP, but I'd be worried about my kids in a strange place with a strange person. I'm sure other kids are different, but mine (& the sitter) would more than likely be miserable.

[twinmomma]

Is the wedding at/near the hotel where you'd be staying? I'd just go with the sister of the bridesmaid babysitter, and send the kids back to the hotel room with her after your son makes an appearance at the cocktail hour/reception part of the night. Order them some kid-friendly room service food, she can put the kids to bed and watch TV, and you can enjoy the reception and run back to the room to nurse if/when needed.

[akafred]

Reach out to the daycare babysitter lady and see what would be possible on her end and her thoughts about logistics before making a decision.

I would be torn between letting DH take DS1 and hopefully take him to the reception or have daycare lady pick him up there and me staying home with DS2 and everyone going and skipping the reception or leaving early with the kids. Leaving DS2 at home and pumping sounds like a bad idea all around.

[xctsclrx]

My DS was a ring bearer at 19 months. He did fine at rehearsal, froze at the wedding then ran down the aisle face planted got up and then ran to me. I was at the front. It was cute and broke the tension. I thought he would be bored, but he did fine during the ceremony(it was maybe 20 min long) I fed him snacks. He had a blast at the reception. He was tearing up the dance floor. Finally DH took him to the hotel at 9:00pm. I would leave the 10 month old at home and just take the 3 year old. I would have your own transportation to take little man home or back to the hotel room and the DH can ride the bus if needed. If you don't want to take him to the reception take the offer of the babysitter and let her come pick him up.

[2chatter]

How many people have they offered the day care person to?

With all the wedding festivities I would leave the youngest at home - he would be with a sitter enough that you would still probably be pumping.

Kids in the bridal party get a pass in my world. I'd plan on DH being in photos, and you handing him off to a sitter with your car while cocktails/photos happen.

[justcheckingin73]

I've written about 3 responses and still can't figure out a good solution so I feel for you. I'm not sure how your 3 year old is but my son was a stage 5 clinger with me and I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without him. Hiring a stranger to watch him would have been more stress than bringing him to the wedding. The biggest thing I'm thinking is that it's adults-only - not only will there will be no other kids for him to play with, I don't think they would be thinking in kid terms. Meaning, he may get restless, hot, tired, hungry and you will have to deal with that.

After thinking about this, I'd leave both home. I sympathize with your dh and the sentiment but it's not like you live in the same town and can drop him off at your parents house after the ceremony. I'd just say the logistics are too much. I'm assuming most if not all of the parenting would fall on you since DH is in the wedding and you would not enjoy yourself at all.

[saraml13]

Just did more digging on locations. The locations are basically in a triangle. It's a 10-15 minute drive from hotel to church, from church to reception, and reception to hotel. There are shuttles to and from the hotel for all guests, and I'm assuming shuttles from church to reception (although that's not specifically mentioned). I'm assuming the shuttles to the hotel won't start running until pretty late in the evening.

chrispy1122, yeah, my vote would be for leaving them both home, because I don't know how much help I'll have from DH. It would be very useful to know things like when the guys are going to start getting ready and what the head table situation is, but it's like pulling teeth with this couple (and I'm pretty sure they haven't gotten around to those details yet).

callmekd, frozenpeas, my concern with a strange sitter isn't so much that I don't trust her to keep the boys alive, but we don't have a lot of experience leaving him with people other than family / daycare. He can be pretty hit or miss with strangers. Sometimes he's super social, and other times he wants nothing to do with them. We left the boys overnight with ILs for a local wedding a couple weeks ago, and MIL reported that DS1 was sad and crying for mommy and wanting to go home at bedtime. But he wasn't too hard to settle down for bed. I'd definitely want her to babysit them at the hotel so we don't have to pick them up and drag them home in the middle of the night, but there's still the minor issue of getting them back to the hotel from the church. I could drive them back, but it's unclear what the plan is for DS1's involvement in photos. But this is definitely an option.

Regarding the reception, DS1 normally goes to bed around 7:30-8:00, but does pretty well staying up until 9:00 on special occasions. I think he would turn on the charm and have fun at the reception, but would require constant watching / entertaining during dinner. One option would be to bring him to the reception and then me leave with him early in the night. DS2 is the harder part. He is usually a pumpkin by 7:00. He does ok hanging out / snoozing in the Ergo, but I have to be standing/moving, so I couldn't sit down and eat dinner with him. Also, the groom sent us a screen shot of the wedding invite insert card. It specifically says no kids. As a member of the wedding party, DS1 gets a pass, but I'd feel pretty awkward bringing DS2. Even if the bride and groom ok it, I'm the type of person who worries about getting the side eye from other people who left their kids at home. (DS2 is a giant who is in 18 month clothes. so he doesn't look like an itty bitty infant that most people would understand bringing.) . I guess I could leave DS2 with the sitter for the whole wedding, take DS1 to the reception, and leave early. I'd need to figure out either running back to the hotel to nurse or pumping at some point in there.

[twinmomma]

saraml13, I totally get that it's a pain, and you probably won't enjoy the wedding that much. But I feel like if someone cared enough to invite my kid to be IN the wedding, I'd want to pull that off for them. If my kids were just invited as guests, well, too bad, they're not going. I'd bring the baby and leave him at the hotel with the babysitter, rather than try to juggle two kids at the reception. Then just play it by ear with the three year old and leave the reception when it seems like a good time.

[saraml13]

2chatter, I'm not sure if the babysitter has been offered up to other people (yet). I don't think other people in the wedding party have young kids. Invites haven't gone out yet and there were no save-the-dates, so I don't know if most people have started thinking about logistics yet. We only found out about this sitter after DH specifically asked. Regarding pumping, it's not necessarily a deal breaker, but we'll be gone at least 2 nights. That's a lot more pumping (and a lot more milk to need stashed for a caregiver) than being just being away for the actual wedding.

[saraml13]

Jun 27, 2017 10:38:39 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

saraml13 , I totally get that it's a pain, and you probably won't enjoy the wedding that much. But I feel like if someone cared enough to invite my kid to be IN the wedding, I'd want to pull that off for them. If my kids were just invited as guests, well, too bad, they're not going. I'd bring the baby and leave him at the hotel with the babysitter, rather than try to juggle two kids at the reception. Then just play it by ear with the three year old and leave the reception when it seems like a good time.

 Yeah, that's definitely DH sentiment about going above and beyond to make it work.  After all the replies, I think I've mostly gotten there in terms of being willing to not have fun myself, leave DS2 with the babysitter, and bring DS1 to the reception with the plan of leaving early.  

Now I'm mostly stuck on the other events, like the rehearsal, that we have zero info on.  

[frozenpeas]

Jun 27, 2017 10:38:39 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

saraml13, I totally get that it's a pain, and you probably won't enjoy the wedding that much. But I feel like if someone cared enough to invite my kid to be IN the wedding, I'd want to pull that off for them. If my kids were just invited as guests, well, too bad, they're not going. I'd bring the baby and leave him at the hotel with the babysitter, rather than try to juggle two kids at the reception. Then just play it by ear with the three year old and leave the reception when it seems like a good time.

Yep, as much as I complain initially, the first part of your post is why we usually end up sucking it up and letting the kids participate in these things. We arrange whatever is within our control to be as easy as possible for ourselves, then we just roll with it from there. Do things run perfectly? No, but the girls talk about the experiences for months after the events are over and enjoy looking at pictures later (& believe me, your son will be the most photographed member of the wedding party).

[186momx]

My experience: BIL and my new SIL had the 3 day wedding affair and we couldn't get any info either.
Luckily DH wasn't in the wedding party. MIL was insisting DD had to be there but the invite was only addressed to me and DH. Finally get from BIL a couple weeks before the wedding that bringing DD is okay. Catholic wedding at the church at 5, reception at another venue at 7. DD was 2.5 at the time. I compromised and she went to the rehearsal dinner as we were told we had to be there and I missed most of it as I was entertaining my kid who was tired and cranky and filled up on snacks as the entire wedding party was an hour late to the thing. Friday night we found out we had to be at the church at 2 for pictures and I was so glad that I talked my sister into driving into the city and watching DD because there was no way she would have been content to sit and be quiet from 2-7 at the church.

So either bring someone to watch the kids with you or you and the kids stay home and have DH go by himself.

Also you know your kids best and if you don't think DS1 will be able to handle being a ring boy then respectfully decline now so they have time to replace him if they want.

[billie]

I would take both kids to the church and then when it's time to go to the reception you take them both to the hotel to stay with the sitter and drive yourself back to the reception (you'll have your car right?). Worst case scenario if they're very upset with the sitter you go back to the hotel early and YH stays at reception.

[ECB]

I'd leave them at home. It's nice that they want to include DS1 but CLEARLY they really have no clue what this means for you. I had considered asking my friends' 3 year old to be our flower girl. They actually flat out told me that they'd prefer I don't - it would be a lot easier for them.

Even with the most organized of weddings, this would be a total PITA for you. Then adding in the total lack of organization and the many unanswered questions? Nope.

Leave them at home and go and enjoy the adult weekend away.

[saraml13]

Jun 27, 2017 13:55:07 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'd leave them at home. It's nice that they want to include DS1 but CLEARLY they really have no clue what this means for you. I had considered asking my friends' 3 year old to be our flower girl. They actually flat out told me that they'd prefer I don't - it would be a lot easier for them.

Even with the most organized of weddings, this would be a total PITA for you. Then adding in the total lack of organization and the many unanswered questions? Nope.

Leave them at home and go and enjoy the adult weekend away.

Yeah, while I'm honored they want to include DS1, it's obvious to me that they don't have a lot of experience with small children and don't have any idea how big an ordeal this is.  

[jlaok]

I think your best options are to hire a babysitter in hotel for DS2 and to take DS1 to ceremony and reception for as long as he can hang. Like twinmomma said, you probably won't have much fun that weekend but you're sort of "taking one for the team" for your DH and his BFF.

FWIW, DH and I had a young 3-yr-old as a flower girl in our wedding. Sort of same situation, flower girl's dad was a groomsman and one of DH's oldest friends. The mom of the flower girl sat in the front and held her after she walked down the aisle. They hired a babysitter for her for the reception. We didn't have any issues and DH loves that she was included in the wedding.

[sunbutter]

I did not attend SILs wedding because my 7 week old son was not allowed. I was originally to be in the wedding party but she couldn't bend the "rules" for us and her newborn nephew🙄. We did go to the rehearsal dinner bc MIL was in charge of that. So we drove 6 hours to the rehearsal dinner but did not stay to attend the wedding.

DS was a ring bearer at 4ish for a different event. He did fine but he wasn't an integral part of the event and wouldn't have been missed. DD was around six months and they both attended the reception, no problem.

In your case, I would stay home with the kids and send DH alone.

[shakinros]

Yeah, all the respect to you if you pull this off, but it would be a hard no for me.

We took DD to two family weddings right around when she was turning 4. She had fun for an hour or two at each and then was miserable. She stayed with my parents when DH and I went to a wedding at the beginning of this month. Thank goodness as DH was in the wedding party and it turns out I saw him for maybe an hour in the two days leading up to the actual ceremony. I don't know what I would've done with DD during all that time we were stuck at a hotel with no car, no pool, only as many toys as fit in a carry on, etc. By myself, I had a lovely time laying in bed and reading.

Do the folks who are getting married have a relationship with your son? Is it possible they just love your H/you and think it would be cute to include your kid?

[hocus2]

I took my older kids to a wedding and regretted it. They were pretty miserable until the dancing part of the wedding. The ceremony, cocktail hour, odd wait time that popped up were all really hard for them. I love weddings but I didn't enjoy that one very much to be honest. It was so much work.

I'd consider sending just your DH and your son. You can stay home with the baby and he can wrangle your child. He won't be much of a groom but it doesn't appear that they would care much about that.

If that isn't an option I'd look into a sitter. If they have one great. If not I'd really consider bringing one. Ask around. You never know who might pop up. I ended up flying my bridesmaid best friend in for my wedding to help out and she was fantastic. She wasn't on kid duty but in the end you never know who might be an option to help you.

[niki]

I'm no real help here, but if you do take your kids, I highly recommend you take a few hours to visit the zoo. It is really quite nice. If you need any help navigating the area, or need help finding a sitter, let me know.

[saraml13]

Jun 27, 2017 21:26:14 GMT -5 shakinros said:

Yeah, all the respect to you if you pull this off, but it would be a hard no for me.

We took DD to two family weddings right around when she was turning 4. She had fun for an hour or two at each and then was miserable. She stayed with my parents when DH and I went to a wedding at the beginning of this month. Thank goodness as DH was in the wedding party and it turns out I saw him for maybe an hour in the two days leading up to the actual ceremony. I don't know what I would've done with DD during all that time we were stuck at a hotel with no car, no pool, only as many toys as fit in a carry on, etc. By myself, I had a lovely time laying in bed and reading.

Do the folks who are getting married have a relationship with your son? Is it possible they just love your H/you and think it would be cute to include your kid?

The bride and groom do have a relationship with DS1.  They live in the same city as us (the wedding is in the bride's hometown), and although they see us more without kids than with, they give the boys Christmas and birthday gifts and DS1 calls the groom "Uncle Mike" and talks about him.  DH will probably say I'm cynical, but I think this is at least 50% that the bride has a picture of a perfect wedding and wants a ringer bearer and thinks DS1 would be super cute, vs them really feeling such a connection to him that they have to include him.

I agree that I'm now probably more concerned about the non-wedding time than the wedding itself.  I will have a car at least and have been checking out things to do.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to pawn DS1 off on DH to be part of whatever groomsmen getting ready activities there are.  But of course, any type of details about when/where they are getting ready probably won't come out until the day before the wedding.

[twinmomma]

saraml13, Could you reach out to the bride, and bypass your husband and the groomsmen? In my experience, the bride is the one who knows what's up and the guys are just along for the ride. Maybe if you can get her on the phone and explain all the logistics you're trying to coordinate, she'll be able to give more details.

[saraml13]

Jun 28, 2017 8:36:00 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

saraml13, Could you reach out to the bride, and bypass your husband and the groomsmen? In my experience, the bride is the one who knows what's up and the guys are just along for the ride. Maybe if you can get her on the phone and explain all the logistics you're trying to coordinate, she'll be able to give more details.

DH is going to the bachelor party this weekend, so I'm hoping he can get a few more details in person or at least collude with the other groomsmen to firm up some plans. If not, the bride will probably be my next step. I don't have a whole lot of hope there, either, though. Last time we saw the groom without the bride, he was complaining about how few details she'd actually been able to solidify in the planning process and he had to take over a bunch of stuff himself.