WWWMD

[mae0111]

In need of opinions...

Several months ago, DH's friends, whom I have not seen in several years, asked if they and their two kids could stay with us for this weekend. I told DH no problem, but that it was my moms birthday, so I would likely have to leave for dinner.

They are arriving Friends afternoon, leaving their two kids with us (I haven't met one - she's 7 - if that gives you an idea of how close we are), and heading to a nearby concert for the night (we were not invited. Hanging with us Sat, leaving Sun to stay somewhere else. All fine.

My mom decided she wants the whole family to go out for her birthday Sat night. Kids and grandkids. One of my sisters recently moved across the country, so she's not coming. My mom wants my kids there.

DH is pissed - he's fine with me going to dinner, but he wants me to leave the kids home to entertain his friends kids. I think they should go. DD2 already told me she's coming with me. DD1 is conflicted because she's 7 and, by nature, selfish.

I'm tired of getting put in terrible positions between DH and my family. So I'm mad at him for getting mad at me.

On the one hand, I feel like I do get pooped on a bit by my family (Jan Brady syndrome perhaps), and that's why DH is mad that I want the kids to go. On the other, she's the only mom I have, and the only semi-involved grandmother my kids have. So, do I make DD1 go to dinner with me, and let DH be angry? Or let her stay home with the other kids, and really hurt my mom?

Such good options...

[polarbearfans]

Can everyone go to the dinner?

[waverly]

Yup that situation sucks. Sorry ugh.

Family for me usually trumps friends, but H trumps everyone else more often because if he isn't happy he just is a pain to live with.

Is there any way your mom would be ok with another weekend? I am pretty much over celebrating adult birthdays even my own. I feel like it's more a kid thing and forced adult birthday celebrations are annoying to me because my family always made it such a big deal. What does your mom say when you tell her you have friends over?

I can see the friends also being somewhat important as you haven't seen them in 2 years.

Luckily my mom is pretty understanding so she would have picked a different day when I told her I had house guests...

[akafred]

You have pre-existing plans. I know it's a birthday but you can keep your plans with your mom and your plans with the friends' kids. Your H should not babysit alone. So either you ALL go (which may not even be possible -- I wouldn't have room in my car), just YOU go, or you celebrate your mom another day. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your mom, "I'm available but DH and the kids made plans."

[ilovelucyvv]

I would suggest she bump the dinner to Sunday or another weekend if she wants the grandkids there. I wouldn't leave my H at home with someone else's kids while i brought my kids to a family dinner

[frozenpeas]

Is the concert Friday night and your mom's dinner Saturday night? So your kids would be home while you're watching the friends' kids, home all day Sat, but gone when you're all expected to hang out together Sat night?

If I read that right I think it makes it less bad for you to take your kids to the dinner. They would have already entertained the other kids on Friday, when it was most important, then spent time with them during the day on Saturday. I think it's reasonable to ask your husband to spend a few hours alone with the friends and their kids after all that. You did say they are *his* friends.

[campermom]

That stinks all around. Out of curiousity, when did your mom spring the idea of a huge dinner? If it was just this week I'd feel better about telling her Sorry, we have had plans to watch these kids for months.

If she is unable to move the dinner maybe your family could take her out a different weekend.

[akafred]

Aug 8, 2017 5:22:08 GMT -5 frozenpeas said:

Is the concert Friday night and your mom's dinner Saturday night? So your kids would be home while you're watching the friends' kids, home all day Sat, but gone when you're all expected to hang out together Sat night?

If I read that right I think it makes it less bad for you to take your kids to the dinner. They would have already entertained the other kids on Friday, when it was most important, then spent time with them during the day on Saturday. I think it's reasonable to ask your husband to spend a few hours alone with the friends and their kids after all that. You did say they are *his* friends.

Oh I missed this. Yes if Saturday is everyone hang out Day and not babysitting day then I think your H can hang with the friends who keep an eye on their own kids.

[mommyatty]

I can see why you are conflicted. I think I would Solomon this one. Take DD2, explain it's a special treat for DD1 to have another 7 year old in the house and these plans are months old.

It isn't like this is the one time a decade you see your mom. I could understand if everyone was coming in from over the country for a milestone birthday, but this doesn't sound like that situation. It sounds like your mom wants to be feted and has suddenly demanded that everyone attend, regardless of earlier plans.

[xctsclrx]

If these were last minute demand from your mom and she lives close by the answer would be no I am sorry the kids have plans that night. I however, don't understand why your kids have to be there if the other kids parents are also at the house. I also don't understand why your mom would be really hurt.


All of that being said, I will second what waverly, said. H trumps my family. If your H thinks that your family treats you poorly I can see what he wouldn't want to jump just because they said so.

[HeartofCheese]

I'm going to be really helpful: I think all of the options are good. You can't lose.

Take the kids to dinner with your mom: good b/c your kids are going to be sick of the other kids after a Fri night and full day with them. If one of your kids is having just a super-awesome time, then she can decide to stay. NBD. Your mom is going to have to put on her grown-up pants b/c - seriously - she's had a lot of birthdays. If she really cares, she can have a special celebration with your kids sometime - which would be way more special than a dinner with everyone. Another pro? H gets to have adult time with friends (even if their kids are there). Who doesn't want that?

Go to dinner by yourself: H gets what he wants. Your mom? See above.

Plan birthday dinner with your girls and friends' girls for Friday. Make sure it's okay with friends. Everybody wins.

Ditch them all and have a weekend at a B&B: always an option. Don't forget that what you want matters, too.

But the bottomline is that the cons (i.e., YH not getting the girls while his friends are there and your mom not having everyone at ONE birthday) are not that big a deal. They should get over it. And if they don't get over it, they should. Your conscience should be clear.

[twinmomma]

I'd tell your mom that you guys have house guests and can't do Saturday but are available Sunday. It sounds like you and your kids would be the only attendees to her dinner, right? If that's the case, give her a different date and explain that you're not leaving your house guests that have been in the works for months.

If dinner with her has to be Saturday, I'd just bring the kid that wants to go and your mom will survive.

[erinshelley21]

I say leave one kid at home and take one with you. That would be a fair compromise.

I can see why your H would be upset though since you get the short end of the stick from your family. Also, your mom's birthday is the same day every year. So, last minute requests for a big dinner with those whole fam aren't always going to work out in her favor. I'm also a fan of spreading the birthday celebrations, so I would suggest a Sunday night dinner or next weekend.

Also, if my H told me "leave the kids with me and go to dinner by yourself" he wouldn't have to tell me twice lol. I love my children, but eating meals with them is exhausting.

[jlaok]

I would either go to dinner by myself or compromise and take one kid.

[CrazyLucky]

Did you tell your mom your family had plans? And she is still insisting? I don't get adults making a big deal out of their birthday unless it's a milestone, so I am coming at this from a different perspective. In this case, I would tell my mom that I will be there for dinner on the night she asked, but that DH and the kids had plans. Then I'd tell her I will make her a special birthday dinner the following week, and we can all celebrate together then.

[2chatter]

Slightly different perspective - I was raised as an only and am perceived as the baby of my family. Perhaps as a result of the two worst birth order personalities BOTH being mine, I tend to do what I want to do (when I am not being a people pleaser). I don't expect the stars and planets to align; I don't care what other people do beyond my immediate desired outcome.

Is your desired outcome to make your mom feel celebrated? Or is it to celebrate your mom with your extended family. If the former, celebrate with your family Sunday night - get her favorite cake and she gets dedicated time with your kids. If the latter, take whichever kids you like and tell DH that those 2-3 hours are not a big deal. The kids can stay up late and play before and after.

[mellym]

Aug 8, 2017 8:03:56 GMT -5 twinmomma said:

I'd tell your mom that you guys have house guests and can't do Saturday but are available Sunday. It sounds like you and your kids would be the only attendees to her dinner, right? If that's the case, give her a different date and explain that you're not leaving your house guests that have been in the works for months.

If dinner with her has to be Saturday, I'd just bring the kid that wants to go and your mom will survive.

This

[mae0111]

So my mom is... difficult. Her birthday is, like, the ONLY birthday. I told her that DD2 and I would come, but DH couldn't, and was unsure about DD1. I explained why. She hung up on me.

I'm torn between "eh, she'll get over it" and "she's the only mom I have, and I will be sorry when she's gone."

You all make good points. Any mature adult would understand prior plans. We'd planned to just have cake on Sun, and she changed her mind yesterday. She does it a lot, and sends everyone into a tailspin. My family's take will be that I knew it was her birthday, and should have kept the weekend free. It's how things work.

It's great to hear the sane perspective.

[xctsclrx]

She hung up on you? OMG screw that noise I wouldn't be going at all. She is not a freaking teenager.

[2chatter]

mae0111 - I would mutiny! Stage an extended family rebellion. She will treat you all the way you permit - and if you all take the same hard line (omg Sunday, not Saturday) she will eventually back down.

Is she mentally ill? If my mom hangs up on me I call her doctor and schedule an appointment and take her. It sucks but it's reality here.

[twinmomma]

She changed her mind just yesterday, AND hung up on you? I'm with xctsclrx, screw that. She can be your only mom who you will miss when she's gone but still be a crazy person that you don't have to cater to.

[mommyatty]

Aug 8, 2017 10:32:11 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

She hung up on you? OMG screw that noise I wouldn't be going at all. She is not a freaking teenager.

This. Screw a bunch of that noise.

[supertrooper1]

My answer in my head went back and forth between just you and your DD go, to the whole family and leaving your guests on their own for a couple hours.
But now knowing that she changed the plans a day ago and hung up on you when you said you and your DD would be there, I don't think you should go at all. Treatment like that doesn't deserve your time and effort.

[sudokufan]

Wow. Hell no to keeping an entire weekend plan free to celebrate an ADULT's birthday. That's not reasonable, and shame on the rest of your family for giving you any grief about taking a line on that.

Sorry mae0111, I know family dynamics can make this stuff harder than it should be, but changing her plans at this late date KNOWING you have house guests is unreasonable.

[akafred]

mae0111, I think we are a lot alike.

[erinshelley21]

I make a big deal out of my birthday and do prefer an entire weekend to celebrate and even I think your mom is being ridiculous. Your mom gets who she gets when she makes last minute changes to the plans and even more so after throwing a fit.

[waverly]

If you all speak again before the weekend, I would reiterate that I am free for cake or dinner on Sunday and not free on Saturday. She can hang up on me as many times as she wants, but that still doesn't make me free on Sat night.

[indyrowergirl]

+1 to hell no after she hung up on you.

[mae0111]

She has already called and texted today, like nothing happened. It's the Irish way - get really mad, never talk about it, pretend it didn't happen, and hold a grudge forever.

Sigh.

Hoping my tummy troubles continue, so that I can just tell them I'm not coming because I can't eat.

[ECB]

I truly contend that part of the reason people act the way your mom is acting is because it gives them the results they want. It's a learned behavior. The fact that you're questioning this and feeling guilty is the proof. She has everyone wrapped up and feeling that they have to do what she wants or "she'll be mad!!!".

SO what? Let her be mad. She is your only mom but come on.... that doesn't give her the right to dictate your lives!! It simply doesn't. Your DH is your "only DH", right? Do you give that much emphasis to his wishes?