Open letters

[librarychica]

Because I have one

[librarychica]

Dear children,

I am trying very hard to exercise regularly. You could contribute to this effort by not crying off and on all night (DD1 whose knees hurt, evidently) and not waking up 2 hours early when I am dragging in the direction of the gym (DD2).

Sincerely,
Chubbily watching Wild Kratz from the couch

[erinshelley21]

Dear Body,
Why is everything hurting? Right arm from my hand to my elbow and now my right foot and ankle? I'm only 28. This can't be where it starts to go downhill.
Love, I'm trying to take care of you

[akafred]

Dear low flow toilet in the hall bath,

At least twice a week I have to plunge you. It's beginning to feel like an allegory for my life. Get it together.

Signed,
Not really a giant pooper


Dear DH,

Lunch yesterday was so nice. You almost seemed to not hate me. You even kissed me three times when dropping me back off at work. I like it. Do it more.

Love,
Perpetual Cracker-Eater


Dear school,

I am so relieved to learn that the walker-outer is able to return to school with only minor restrictions (has to be picked up by 4:30 since that is when the second teacher usually leaves so there will always be 2 teachers there) and with the understanding that if it happens again he will not be allowed anymore. Also happy to hear you will be making some safety changes at school.

Love,
Not his mom but another mom who loves him

[greenmonkey1]

Dear Wrists -

I know I am overworking you and that is why you are painful. It is not my fault DS3 is a large baby. DS1 and DS2 caused similar problems, but not of this magnitude. I promise to wear the baby more often. Will you please ease up?

Signed,
Parent with large babies and (apparently) weak wrists

Dear Dissertation -

Please write yourself.

Signed,
I need more time

[librarychica]

Dear greenmonkey1,

A dissertation with 3 kids? Holy shit, you rock.

Sincerely,
Impressed

[librarychica]

Dear H, snoring away,

You are doing the bug experiment DD1 has been begging for this weekend.

You're welcome.
Wife

[twinmomma]

Dear children,
You're five. Why are you waking up in the middle of the night? And why, why, WHY do you always wake up within an hour of each other?! I snuggle one of you for 20 minutes, finally get you back into your own bed, lay down in my bed, doze off, and bam! The other one shows up for the same routine. Is this a twin thing? Can you sense it? Remember that time I was losing my mind when you pulled this crap from 6 to 9 months old? Let's not go back there. Momma doesn't like being a crazy zombie. It wasn't a good look for any of us.
Signed,
Momma who was up from 2 to 3:30 last night

Dear DH,
You slept through the kids. You sleep in an hour and a half after me every morning. I did all the morning prep today because you took a 45 minute shower to shave (you're bald. WTF are you shaving?) You owe me. Do not look for love tonight. Instead, bring chocolate and let me go to bed early.
Love,
Cranky wife

[twinmomma]

Dear WP,
So much for the Ireland vow renewal. Just got back some quotes. They're reasonable, until I realized it's in Euros. Yikes. Plan B is the Shakespeare Garden in Central Park, take the kids to their first Broadway show, and do some touristy NYC stuff. DH was totally on board with that plan, so now the saving begins!
Signed,
Twinmomma

ETA - Euros. Not pounds. I'm dumb. 

[rere]

Dear schools and sports,

I'm not selling anymore stuff. Since June, I have sold discount cards ( that don't work anywhere ), peaches, ribs, mums x2, tickets for a yeti cooler, tickets for a raffle. I am supposed to turn in orders for Little Debbie today. I didn't sell any. I told Ds don't even think about bringing home those stupid candy bars this week. From here on out, this crap is going in the trash.

Signed, enough is enough

[judyblume14]

Favorite Co-Worker,
I'm SUPER excited for you in your new role. It's a great opportunity, your skill-set is going to fill a major void, you're going to shine and this is incredible for your career! Butbutbut, yikes. A LOT of your stuff is falling on my plate. It's familiar stuff, and not overwhelming or anything. But man, I'm really gonna need to quit dicking around on the internet.
Proud of you,
Me, who now needs to buckle down, organize, and get shit done.

Husband,
We blew our house budget so that we could get this lovely pool. Pretty please don't go crabbing this weekend. It's supposed to be hot and sunny and I want swim with the girls one last time this summer. I'm still not ready to be on my own in the pool with both girls. And if I'm stuck staring longingly at the crystal clear water from afar, I'm worried that you won't be prepared for the grudge I'm about to hold.
Love,
your wife, who wants you to have boys time, but mostly just wants to go swimming

[saraml13]

Dear DS1,
I do not like this new trick of yours where you pull down your pants and purposely pee on the floor when you want attention or are mad at us. Not cute, not funny. I'm trying not to show you how mad I am because I know you are doing it to try to get a big reaction.
Signed,
Pee Police

Dear Husband on a Work Trip,
You owe me.
Signed,
Pee Police

[2chatter]

greenmonkey1 - consider a wrist brace - seriously - DH got new mom syndrome with DS and it was painful and required an expensive surgery. Good luck writing - I am forever ABD because I couldn't hack career/baby/PHD.

Dear DH,
Coming home last night and jumping all over me wasn't ok. Neither was "cleaning" the kitchen (i.e. Moving things around and filling all the dinner dishes with water, but not placing them in the dishwasher). Things are literally only dirty when you are here. You need to either get on board or visit less frequently. I'm serious. I'm so tired of being accused of "being mean" (like when I was reciting court times and colors aloud as I entered them into Google
Calendar - that wasn't about you at all yet you followed me outside to continue to yell at me about it demanding to know what I was saying - noon, blue two - Netminders - when I ran to the pharmacy). Apologizing this morning isn't enough for the insanity. No more insanity.
Wife (barely)

[supertrooper1]

Dear upper manager,
Telling the private businesses yesterday in your meeting that they could come into our office and see the behind the scenes was not cool. Not only do we have law enforcement sensitive systems that we can't show anyone, I don't want to give away my secrets of how we enforce the laws when they knowingly or unknowingly try to get things by us. These businesses are not your friend. They will do what they can for their bottom line.
Signed,
Employee who has confirmed that you're an idiot

[mommyatty]

Dear DS:

Omg! You've gone 4 days without an accident! And when you went and pooped in the potty without telling anyone and flushed it by yourself? Well, that may be my proudest day until you graduate from high school.

Please tell me you're finally over the hump!

Love,
Proud Mommy Who Is Knocking Wood and Holding Her Breath!

Dear DD:

You are the sweetest, most beautiful, precious girl in the world. I'm sorry those boys made fun of your uniform shorts yesterday. You did not look like a boy with long hair. They are 5 year old assholes.

Love,
Mommy of the Prettiest Girl In Class

PS I'm sorry your shorts were dirty today and you couldn't wear them. And I'm proud you wanted to just to show "those booger heads that what they think doesn't matter."

Dear Teacher:

When my kid tells you other kids are making fun of her, the answer isn't to tell her to stay away from them.

Sincerely,
Mom Who May Teach Her 5 Year Old How To Knee a Boy in the Balls

[Covergirl82]

Dear DS,

I'm really proud of you that you took the initiative to make your own dinner Monday night while I was with DD at gymnastics and Daddy was home with you, but had a bad migraine. I'm happy/proud that you are showing responsible independence. But I'm also a tiny bit sad because my little boy is growing up.

Love,
Mommy

Dear DD,

I am super proud that you said you wanted to read the other night. Usually I have to force you to read and you complain. I'm also proud of you that I can tell your reading has improved over the past month or so! Keep it up!

Love,
Mommy

[twinmomma]

Dear K Teacher,
I realize that you sent out a form letter to all the parents since you're starting maternity leave. But it did not give me the warm fuzzies to read it. Your letter mentioned how my kid is practicing recognizing letters in her name, and numbers 1 through 5, etc. I get it, that's what the start of kindergarten is. But my kid can already read and do simple math. So it's making me feel some kind of way that this is so obviously a weird form letter and not actual feedback on my kid. Either talk in general about what the class is doing, or tell me what my kid is doing. But don't generalize my specific kid's skills. It makes me feel like you don't know her from a hole in the wall. And that's kind of weird.
Sincerely,
Feeling like "that mom"

[k3am]

Dear body,

SLEEP. SERIOUSLY, Two nights with <2 hours sleep and I'm already ready for bed.

Signed,
Don't mess with me today.

ETA: Snipped out one. 

[greenmonkey1]

2chatter I will have to research new mom syndrome. Do you know what specific type of brace? I have one from Target that is too small (borrowed from my mom), but it works for now. It is your typical brace with a hard plastic part that goes palm side. Surgery sounds like no fun, how is your DH?


twinmomma DS1 is 5 years and woke up yesterday night at 12:30 am asking for Kix.  Kid, it is not time for breakfast - go back to bed.  And DH never wakes up; I have to elbow him in the ribs. He could sleep through a hurricane.

[Covergirl82]

Dear H,

I feel justified in side-eyeing you for not having the details about your promotional pay increase given you're job is in finance. Like, when is it effective? How will your incentive be calculated? Because I want to start planning what payments we can increase each month and what debts we should be able to pay off with your next bonus.

Love,
Your wife who is a compensation analyst who needs to know these details because it's what I deal with every day at work, as well as being the financial analyst of our home finances

[186momx]

Dear PTO meeting
You were way longer than I expected. 1.5 hour meeting was a little much for me to sit through. The school is having the jog a thon next Friday and the kids won't get the pledge stuff and info until Tuesday. Then open house is the 5th and the following Tuesday Butterbraids will order info will be handed out so that we can get those back before Thanksgiving. Plus you are talking about a BINGO fundraiser in November too. I'm with rere, and think that is too much all in the first 3 months of school.
Mom who went to her first PTO meeting that had 7 moms there

Dear DH
Please stop watching so much porn and then trying to get me to act like what you watch.
Wife who was very put off by your behavior last night and left you hanging due to it

DD
You had awesome donkey kicks at gym Monday night. Can't wait to see what you can do tonight when you have bars. Also I'm glad we kicked the cold before it got bad and those nasty bitter drops helped.
Love
Mom

[2chatter]

greenmonkey1 - google de quervain syndrome. It's the real name. He had both a hard and soft brace at different points, but anything that compresses is probably better than nothing. He still has some pain, and they told him recurrence is possible. Like a tiny percentage of men get this - of course he was one!

[akafred]

Dear mom of walker outer,

Damn! I am soooo sorry he had a panic attack and couldn't or wouldn't stay at school. I cannot imagine how hard this is on you. Please please please reach out to me if I can help at all.

Love,
Sister in Arms


Dear DD,

Congratulations! You just got a promotion from the second most challenging kid at the school to THE most challenging kid at school. Please watch yourself. Omg I do not want to have to leave this school after we moved across town to be closer to it!

All the love,
Your worried mommy

[supertrooper1]

186momx, not cool if he is asking you to do stuff you're not comfortable with. My last counseling session, this came up. I said I didn't have any problems with porn, but she said I should, because if he's living in porn world and not reality, it becomes an issue.

[katrine05]

Dear DS,

I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. Teething and a cold are no fun. Wish I could have stayed home to cuddle with you all day. Let's get a little more sleep tonight ok?

Love,
Zombie mom

Dear DD,

I know you are going through a huge change right now. Going to full day kindergarten and learning a new language is a lot all at once. You are doing great, keep it up!

Love,
Proud mom

[polecat8]

Dear DS2,
Why u no sleep? You are killing me smalls! You are six months old now and daddy and I would love it if you could start sleeping through the night. I haven't had a full night's sleep since I got pregnant with you. I'm due! You're lucky you are so darn cute.
Love,
Sleepy momma and daddy

Dear parent company,
What is your plan for my little subsidiary? Are you going to try to grow us or let us fizzle out until our current customer contracts are up in 5 years? Cause I have to be honest, if you are just going to let us fizzle, I'm out of here after I collect my bonus in January. And I'm not the only one thinking that way. You have 3 months to figure out what to do with us. Please don't let me down. I like my job (when we are busy) and the flexibility.

Sincerely,
Your worried employee

[justcheckingin73]

186momx, I was the PTA Secretary at my son’s school two years ago. The entire board turned over and they all had these great ideas of things to do which meant I had to attend all of these events. Plus, every PTA meeting was 2+ hours long  . I was not impressed. Especially during tax season when DH had to come home early so I could go. It was ridiculous. I don’t even go to the PTA meetings anymore and if they ever ask me why I will tell them. 

[k3am]

Sept 20, 2017 10:42:46 GMT -5 186momx said:

Dear DH
Please stop watching so much porn and then trying to get me to act like what you watch.
Wife who was very put off by your behavior last night and left you hanging due to it

I was going to respond tongue in cheek to this, but I realized it would gross people out, could possibly be what he was asking you to do, and no one would ever think of me the same. 

[traveltheworld]

Dear Little Girl in DS's Kindergarten Class:

Stop picking on him! I'm really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt because I know DS can be a smart-mouth, but when DS has come home every day and complained about you pushing him or pinching him for 2 weeks, and yesterday you shoved him so hard that he got a bump on his head and had to be sent to the nurse's office to get an ice pack, it's getting ridiculous.

Frustrated mom

Dear DH,

Please, please try to be diplomatic when you talk to DS's kindergarten teacher today. I know you think that the sun shines out of our son's butt, but we both know he can be very annoying and can provoke other kids easily, so it may not be 100% the other girl's fault. And I'm sure now that he's got a bump on his head, the teacher will be watching the situation more closely. Please, please don't go all accusatory towards the teacher. It's public school. There are 22 kids. She can't have her eye on every kid at all times. Give her a chance to explain and to deal. And no, we are not moving him to private school after 2 weeks in public, especially not after the amount of money we just spent to buy our house in this neighbourhood.

Frustrated wife

[kimberlybb]

Dear DS,

I know I should be happy that you want to keep your pull-up dry all night but waking me up four times a night to take you to the bathroom is excessive. I limit your liquid intake before bed so I’m not sure how you even have that much pee.

Signed,
Mom who thought the sleep depravation stage had passed