Week of Oct 16

[pooh8402]

Oct 18, 2017 9:39:53 GMT -5 King26 said:

I feel like a fish out of water. DH said I need to go back to work so I stop worrying but isn't doing any better . If you soothed your LO to sleep what did you do? We've gotten into the routine of me walking around the house singing but it's killing my back and shoulders. I need a new plan.

Anyone rock their kid to sleep? We've tried drowsy but awake and it isn't happening.

Also, did anybody wear their babies a lot when they were little? I feel like I want to wear him more because I'm running out of ways to entertain him. When do they start playing more themselves? Do I have to entertain him all day? I'm good for an hlur....we eat, change him, talk to him, hold him, tummy time or.piano gym then I'm stumped and I can feel my anxiety flair up.

I still rock E to sleep sometimes, or lay down next to him in his bed until he goes to sleep. Rocking your baby is absolutely age appropriate now.

Yes, I wore E a lot. My ring sling and Lillebaby are well loved. And don't feel like you have to be in his face entertaining him all the time. He can play independently for a little while while you get some coffee or eat. Stick him in the the PnP or the crib with a few toys within reach and take a shower. It's okay, seriously.

I agree that it may be time to talk with your doctor about the anxiety.

[King26]

Thanks ladies. I am taking zoloft that was prescribed to me 2 weeks ago. Some days it helps some days it doesn't. I know my anxiety is bad but I don't know how to help it. I imagine sleep and j getting older will help. I feel like I'm missing out on just loving him right now becaysevim stressed I'm doing everything wrong.

Plus DH is home everyday too and sometimes that is good sometimes it isn't
I also worry about him caring for j because he gets frustrated with him easily.

We go out for walks and such but maybe we need to do more. I feel like we are chained to the house and I get bored easily .

It's just no one tells you how hard parenting an infant is.i guess I thought I knew what I was doing but now I feel like I don't know anything.

I do think I'll start wearing him more. I like it and he seems to do ok with it plus u cab get stuff done.

@pandora89 yay for good results!

[pooh8402]

huge hugs to you King26, it is tough. it does take a few weeks for zoloft to work, so hang in there!

yes, get out of the house! go to the grocery store or target! you'll feel better, I promise.

I gave advice all nonchalantly, but tbh, I felt the same way. I felt like I had to be entertaining him all the time and I was bored and stayed in the house... once I started getting out, and once I finally realized that he will be okay in the crib for 15 minutes while I shower, then life got so much better.

[King26]

Oct 18, 2017 10:39:34 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

huge hugs to you King26, it is tough. it does take a few weeks for zoloft to work, so hang in there!

yes, get out of the house! go to the grocery store or target! you'll feel better, I promise.

I gave advice all nonchalantly, but tbh, I felt the same way. I felt like I had to be entertaining him all the time and I was bored and stayed in the house... once I started getting out, and once I finally realized that he will be okay in the crib for 15 minutes while I shower, then life got so much better.

This is good to hear. I keep telling myswlf.once we get out I'll feel better and once he is a little older and can do.somwthing I'll feel better too

[cactuscookie]

Oct 18, 2017 10:14:13 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

We, too, had a baby that was tough to get to sleep for about 6 weeks. The one thing that worked all the time was a yoga ball. We would bounce him on that in our arms and he would bliss out and fall asleep. Sometimes it took 20 minutes, but it always worked. But yes, SORE back and arms. I promise it will get better.

We did this until we sleep-trained H at 6 months. It was definitely hard on our backs. We took turns. Unfortunately, H didn't like being worn at that age.

King26, what is G's routine? We did the sleep-eat-activity thing, and I think the whole cycle was only 2? 3? hours at that age. Something like 45 minutes of sleep, 15 minutes eating, 45 minutes of "activity", 15 minutes soothing her back to sleep. Maybe it was 2.5 hours and all of those times were a bit longer than that, but I remember that she wasn't awake for very long at a time. Isn't there some rule of thumb that newborns shouldn't be awake for more than two hours at a time?

The newborn stage was way harder than I was expecting. I thought there would be more cuddling and the baby sleeping. I wasn't prepared for being constantly on-call in case the baby woke up hungry and crying, and all the soothing to sleep, and then trying to soothe and having the overtired baby stare at me wide-eyed and awake...

So many, many hugs. I hope the anxiety eases up for you.

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[shauni27]

Oct 18, 2017 10:58:24 GMT -5 cactuscookie said:

Oct 18, 2017 10:14:13 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

The newborn stage was way harder than I was expecting. I thought there would be more cuddling and the baby sleeping. I wasn't prepared for being constantly on-call in case the baby woke up hungry and crying, and all the soothing to sleep, and then trying to soothe and having the overtired baby stare at me wide-eyed and awake...

So many, many hugs. I hope the anxiety eases up for you.

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This. The first month was just so impossibly hard. I cried all day, daily. I really thought it would be a lot easier--cuddling, sleeping baby, etc. But it is nearly impossible.

For me, one thing that really made it worse was my H. Sounds similar to you--some days he was great, other days he seemed disinterested and resentful. It was awful. We fought a lot and cried a lot. H admitted that it was hard for him and that broke my heart. But now that S is a little bigger, H is just such a better dad. I really think this was the worst part of that first month for me.

I am sending huge hugs. I really think you will be out of this awful phase (that nobody really can prepare you for) before you know it. Even our pediatrician was like "the first 2 months SUCK. Your marriage will suffer. You will suffer. But it WILL get better."

[thoseareradishes]

So happy for your good news pandora89!

Hang in there King26. It is so hard, so much harder than I thought it would be. Not that I thought it would be super easy, but man. The monotony of each day gets to me - eat, play, sleep, in 3 hour cycles, all day long. Getting outside helps a lot - now that it's getting cooler, it's easy to stick E in the Ergo and go for a walk - she stays warm and we both get some fresh air.

With your J, I'd try to limit awake time to an hour or so - he's still so little. So eat, play a little - tummy time, looking at toys, hanging out in his baby containment device for a little independent play time- then help him to sleep. Do what you need to for now - rocking, bouncing, whatever. Do you have a swing? E would sleep in her swing when she was that age.

[thoseareradishes]

I feel like my kid is a anomaly because she has always liked tummy time. Maybe because we did skin to skin for so long in the hospital, she got used to being on her belly? The nurses also allowed her to sleep on her belly until she moved out of the isolette and into an open crib.

[dollyllama]

Oct 18, 2017 9:39:53 GMT -5 King26 said:

I feel like a fish out of water. DH said I need to go back to work so I stop worrying but isn't doing any better . If you soothed your LO to sleep what did you do? We've gotten into the routine of me walking around the house singing but it's killing my back and shoulders. I need a new plan.

Anyone rock their kid to sleep? We've tried drowsy but awake and it isn't happening.

Also, did anybody wear their babies a lot when they were little? I feel like I want to wear him more because I'm running out of ways to entertain him. When do they start playing more themselves? Do I have to entertain him all day? I'm good for an hlur....we eat, change him, talk to him, hold him, tummy time or.piano gym then I'm stumped and I can feel my anxiety flair up.

I was about to suggest you try wearing him when you were talking about soothing to sleep lol.
I wear the kids alot! Especially when they're little. I keep the bjorn & a ring sling in the house because they are easy and more open and my ergo in the car because I feel like he's more hidden so people don't touch or get near him when we're out. I have a moby that floats between the 2 places which is my preferred carrier but sometimes I don't have the time or hands to get it tied.
Regarding the entertaining.... I found that I could accomplish more chores while wearing so it helped pass the time & I felt productive which was great. I also wear them to meal prep or prep stuff for baking. If it's still nice out, we also do lots of walks around the neighborhood and with DS1 I would listen to books or podcasts.
I would try to release some of the pressure of entertaining him, they'll get to an age where they need it but for now it sounds like you are doing more than a great job. Cut yourself some slack & enjoy any down time you can get.

[cactuscookie]

Oct 18, 2017 12:06:52 GMT -5 thoseareradishes said:

I feel like my kid is a anomaly because she has always liked tummy time. Maybe because we did skin to skin for so long in the hospital, she got used to being on her belly? The nurses also allowed her to sleep on her belly until she moved out of the isolette and into an open crib.

H liked tummy time too. Which was nice, because that's one of those silly little things about having a newborn that I was looking forward to, and probably the only one that I did actually get to enjoy.
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[shauni27]

@daylily, that is a really good point. I had MAJOR PPA and that is why we upped my meds. I honestly think it will help when your meds kick in (it takes about 2 weeks and you may need to play with the dosage). I was like you and while I WANTED to leave my house, felt far too overwhelmed to do so. I was so overwhelmed with fear that I was going to hurt the baby or worse (by accident, of course!). I had assumed it was just this way for me and that I eventually got out of that stage naturally, but it very well could have been because we increased my meds as well.

Huge hugs. Feel free to PM me if you want.

[loira]

Sympathies to everyone who is struggling. It does get better.

Although this week has really been awful for me. A has been sick, and I haven't been able to send her to daycare the last couple of days, which means I'm struggling once again to get everything done while she sleeps. Then yesterday, I was carrying her down the stairs (because she was sick and miserable and screaming), and I slipped and fell and nearly crushed her. She's okay, thank god, but I have a bone bruise on my elbow and hip, and several pulled muscles where I twisted to avoid falling on her. My H and I aren't really on the same wavelength, and I'm just hoping we can power through being apart until Christmas, then again until May. I don't feel like I have a real marriage anymore.

[dellabear]

Hugs loira - it's gotta be tough to be apart for so long. Are you still looking to join him in the US or is he going to come back to Canada?

King26 - I wouldn't stress or worry one bit about entertaining your baby. At that age they just take in the world around them. Do things that help you relax or feel good. If the baby likes to be worn, wear him as much as you can. Do what you need to do to keep everyone happy. Parenting an infant is tough, hang in there. Hugs.

[King26]

Thank you ladies. I just didn't know it would be this hard and repetitive. I thought he would nap, I'd get stuff done, we'd snuggle on couch, etc. And it isn't like that. It helps that some of you had same experience.

I did go to Starbucks with him again today and that helped. My parents are coming next weekend and DH and I are going to dinner. It's our first time out together since j was born nd first time leaving him but I think it will help.

I'm going back to doctor tomorrow for a follow up on how the zoloft and anxiety are going. I think seeing her will help foo.

I'm going to try and wear j more because we both like it and I can get stuff done. I'm also hoping as he gets older and can do more stuff I won't feel as helpless.

[King26]

Oct 18, 2017 10:58:24 GMT -5 cactuscookie said:

Oct 18, 2017 10:14:13 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

King26, what is G's routine? We did the sleep-eat-activity thing, and I think the whole cycle was only 2? 3? hours at that age. Something like 45 minutes of sleep, 15 minutes eating, 45 minutes of "activity", 15 minutes soothing her back to sleep. Maybe it was 2.5 hours and all of those times were a bit longer than that, but I remember that she wasn't awake for very long at a time. Isn't there some rule of thumb that newborns shouldn't be awake for more than two hours at a time?

The newborn stage was way harder than I was expecting. I thought there would be more cuddling and the baby sleeping. I wasn't prepared for being constantly on-call in case the baby woke up hungry and crying, and all the soothing to sleep, and then trying to soothe and having the overtired baby stare at me wide-eyed and awake...

So many, many hugs. I hope the anxiety eases up for you.

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The ac4ivity is the part we struggle with. J likes tummy time so we do thatseveral times a day. We go for a walk once a day. Sometimes I feel like we run out of things to do. We make sure he isn't up more than 2 hours at a time otherwise he is a bear.

[Chrysanthemum]

Huge hugs King26. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. Itty bitty babies are so, so hard. I think C spent most of my maternity leave in a bouncy chair. Literally, for 3 months straight. I wish I wore him more in the early days, but I didn’t get the hang of it until later. We LOVE it now and my Lillebaby is my favorite. Hang in there friend, you’re doing a great job and it will get better.

(((loira)))

[loira]

Oct 18, 2017 18:07:36 GMT -5 dellabear said:

Hugs loira - it's gotta be tough to be apart for so long. Are you still looking to join him in the US or is he going to come back to Canada?

We've abandoned our plans to live in the US for a number of reasons that I won't get into on here because most grad posters are American and I don't want to be a dick. I actually still have to formally withdraw from the process. I may have some questions for you soon about the Canadian process...

I'm self-employed at the moment, but applying for permanent positions. I've got A in a good daycare and I'm basically trying to build us a life here (in Vic to start, because relocating with A by myself is too daunting). So we probably should go visit my H, but I'm trying to set up a good routine, and I can't just take off for 3 months at a time. Short term it makes me feel incredibly selfish, but also stressed that I've created this situation and it's up to me to make it work. I'm trying really hard to focus on the long term, where we have a nice place, good quality of life, A goes to the francophone school etc.

[cherryvalance]

King26, I'm so sorry it's rough. It was for me, too, and what helped the most (besides your medication) was talking to other moms and hearing they had it rough, too. All of the easy baby stories are infuriating and depressing when you're struggling and feeling like it shouldn't be so hard.

I also second whoever said that there was a turning point When DS started to smile. Before that, he was essentially a needy potato. I loved him, but it was easy to be worn down by spending time with him because it was just mind-numbing chores. Now, he laugh and coos and it's actually fun to snuggle, read, walk, etc. Also, leaving him cry for a few minutes has helped me mental sanity. I felt like I was constantly rushing around and not doing things fast enough. Now it's like, wait a minute kid, you can deal.

It WILL get easier and better.

[shauni27]

loira, I am so sorry you are so unhappy right now. That is awful. Being on a different wavelength than your partner is really one of the worst feelings ever. It is draining and exhausting and frustrating and sad. And I am sorry to hear that you hurt yourself and are dealing with a sick kiddo. All in all it sounds like things are rough for you right now. I hope it improves soon.

[janegold]

King26, is there a new moms group around you that you could join? I started one when B was 3 weeks old and it was/has been such a lifesaver for me. I had an excuse to get out of the house and a support network of women who were all going through the same things I was. It was/is really amazing.

[thoseareradishes]

(((loira))), I'm sorry things have been so hard. I hope A feels better soon, and you do too. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to move.

[oneslybookworm]

Huge hugs ladies dealing with newborns. I definitely was in your shoes and I legit HATED the newborn stage (and was very vocal about it, though maybe not as much here as IRL). It's hard, it's an adjustment, and my anxiety was through the roof (but yay, lost 12 lbs!). It gets better, but don't be afraid to reach out for help with your doctors, or any of you can feel free to ping me and I'll be a sympathetic ear, but I totally get it.

Took G to the doctor today because he's still congested and it's starting to change color. They think he might have the beginnings of an ear infection, but there was drainage in his ear so she couldn't get a good view of his eardrum. Also, because his drainage is now changing color, she thought it best to do a 10-day round of antibiotics to knock everything out. Hopefully he doesn't hate the meds and takes it well, but we'll see. He seems to still be the happy/smiley baby he normally is, so I'm hoping he doesn't feel too miserable.

[janegold]

Oct 19, 2017 10:57:28 GMT -5 @daylily said:

oneslybookworm , so sorry to hear about G's ear troubles. Antibiotics should help but be warned that he may end up with horrendous diaper rash. You might want to be proactive with some vaseline or some sort of protective layer starting now. DS used to have the worst bum when he was on antibiotics.

YEP, so true.  B has had recurrent ear infections (oneslybookworm , we've had to try 3 different antibiotics to find one his ear infections respond to, just FYI) and ended up with a nasty yeast infection on his poor bum (which also required trying two different prescription creams to clear up).  Pedi said the ABX mess up the gut's natural bacteria and also recommended probiotics or eating yogurt (though G probably hasn't started solids yet) while taking them.

[dellabear]

loira, sounds like you are making the best choices you can make for your family, in the midst of a difficult situation. Let me know if I can help.

[King26]

oneslybookworm I'm sorry G has an ear infection. That sucks. Thanks for your support . This is just tough and I think it sucks because I've wanted a kid for so long but newborns are hard.

loira I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I don't blame you for not wanting to move.

My appointment went well today. My midwife said I still seem.anxious but I look better then 2 weeks ago. She's increasing my dose by half on the zoloft and wrote me out of work for a total.of 10 weeks with the possibility of 12 weeks. I felt better talking to her. We also took J to the mall and sams.clu. today. I wore him and he did great. An older man came up to me and said God bless you for caring so well for that little.one. I have to tell you, it made me feel good and proud. I'm hoping hoping my dose helps a bit. I'm really trying to just chill and enjoy j but it's hard. My main worry is leaving him with DH and going to work. DH says he isn't going to entertain him all day or walk him around singing and this worried me. I know he will do some things with him but I worry it's going to be too much for him. I think this is the worst of my anxiety but when I tell him about it he says they will be fine.

[oneslybookworm]

King26, I understand completely! So much of my guilt came from wanting a child for SO LONG. It was like, all I wanted was to be a mom, and the only way I could be a mom was to raise another woman’s baby. So now, not only have I “taken” another woman’s baby from her (obviously not true, but I felt that way a lot) in order to have a chance at being a mother, and now I hate it?! I felt like the worst human ever.

I totally get it (the guilt), but it is 100% OKAY to not love (hell, you don’t even have to LIKE) the newborn stage. It is a stage with so very little give back, only taking. But, it’s fleeting. It’s just hard to feel like that light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train at times.

[loira]

King26, the guilt is real and pervasive sometimes. When A was sick a couple of days ago, she was such a miserable, whiny, horrible-to-be-around kid that for a second I considered taking her to Texas and leaving her with H. And of course I then felt awful because she was sick and couldn't help it, plus of course all the loss guilt. I think loss mums and IF mums do struggle a lot with these feelings once they go on to have children. I don't know the solution but I do know it's fucking exhausting and you aren't alone.

[cactuscookie]

King26, I felt like that ALL THE TIME when H was a newborn. I had it constantly in the back of my mind that we'd tried so hard for this, and then it ended up being a huge mistake that ruined our lives.

Have I ever told you guys about H's "earned birds"? Her room is decorated in birds, and toward the end of my pregnancy, I'd ordered this one decoration that I loved from etsy. It arrived when H was maybe a month old, and I refused to hang it up. I kept remembering how excited I was when I ordered it, how it was supposed to be a special decoration for a special baby. And I told DH, "But she's not special. She's horrible." We didn't hang it up until a couple months later, when she'd "earned it."

Ha, I sound like a total asshole. But now every night, when we say goodnight to her room, we say goodnight to her earned birds.

[cactuscookie]

loira, I definitely don't blame you for choosing to settle your family in Canada right now. I'm sorry things are rough. Parenting is so hard, I'm sure it's so much harder without a co-parent. Honestly, even living (and working!) together, DH and my marriage isn't quite as close as it was before we had a kid. I hope you guys can get through this tough period asap.

[kellikans]

Hey ladies. I'm sitting in recovery waiting for my spinal to wear off. It's the weirdest feeling! We were able to do an ultrasound once I got to recovery and everything looked good. He was moving around and HR was around 140. So hopefully things continue to go well. I have an OB appointment next Wednesday and I am looking so forward to it.