@mustatdseed2007 - yes, have been taking privileges, toys, activities away. This morning, I told them that I haven't been able to do many fun Christmas things with them because of their behavior. We couldn't even drive around and look at lights because they fight and kick each other in the car. They both offered up that they would stop fighting. In less than 2 minutes (mid Christmas song) they were rolling around on the floor hitting each other.
The good news is that I believe I have temporarily united them against a common enemy... me.
Hugs mae0111. I figured out one fighting the in the car trick was to listen to a kids audiobook- Magic Tree House is a good one. Maybe that will help all the other parents whose kids fight in the car after pick up which is probably all of us.
This was inspired after when do we have time to read thread and the audiobook thread on here and it just helps to calm them down.
HeartofCheese - choose to process it now. Rip off the band aid. It’s totally possible - we separated in March - but ex remained in the home. He moved out in June when I flipped and told him this was FOR REAL - and I set him up with a crib for DD, etc, but he moved back in October. He pretended the actual court proceedings weren’t happening, so I had to do crazy things like take the papers with me when I got the final papers - because I went on a work trip the afternoon of the final hearing and he didn’t attend Court so he didn’t even know it was Final. And he had the kids part of the time while I was on my work trip...so I left them on the table a week after I came back, when it was my week to be on point with the kids so he could lose his mind without impacting them. But he lived with me until the next April. DH and I had been dating 4-5 months before he moved out (we started after it was final - I saw DH for the first time in months after the hearing because his office was adjacent so we had coffee - he had been waiting for it to be final...I had no idea).
I say alllll of that to say that I chose to handle the emotional side when I moved for separation. I needed that closure. You can have closure without a legal document and under the same roof - just choose it. Hang in there - it really does get better!!
the SAHM's crew that I haven't been able to break into yet... who still say things like "We loved your nanny. You must have too. I mean, she raised your kids for over 4 years!"
So... yeah... hard time right now...
oh fuuuck them.
+1 mustardseed2007. It's moms like that who keep the "mommy wars" alive.
Post by covergirl82 on Dec 7, 2017 14:57:19 GMT -5
waverly, great suggestion, thank you! I am so over the fighting as soon as they get in the car. We have less than a 10 minute drive from school to home, but anything would help!
mae0111, My sister and I went through a rough patch when we were growing up. We'd fight about EVERYTHING. My mom finally got so fed up with us, she'd send us to our shared bedroom, together, and tell us to not come out until we were over it. Hair pulling and fighting definitely ensued in that room, but we did eventually just get over it because we wanted to rejoin the world.
Post by erinshelley21 on Dec 7, 2017 15:25:47 GMT -5
mae0111 I'm sorry you're feeling so lost right now. I think it's probably more of a coincidence than anything that your kids are acting out than it is you staying at home. How old are they? When we were like 9 and 11 my dad made us actually fight one time. It didn't really help but I think he got a laugh out of it. I'd get one of those big t-shirts that they can both fit in.
erinshelley21 it might just be the time of year, but their level of disrespect is through the roof right now. Just a few minutes ago I asked DD1 (8) and DD2 (4.5) to clean up a mess they made. Just put away toys - no big deal. Both said no. Just a flat out "no". Same when I ask them to do homework. Or shower. Or do anything really.
I've totally lost control. I really feel like they would be better off with someone else. I quit my job to spend more time with them. I am ruining them.
mae0111, what is your reaction when they tell you no? They are probably testing boundaries to see what they will get away with, because you are new to being there all the time.
mae0111, what is your reaction when they tell you no? They are probably testing boundaries to see what they will get away with, because you are new to being there all the time.
Reactions range from digging in heels, to acquiescing becaus I threaten to take away a toy or a privilege, to full scale nuclear tantrums (more with the 8 yo than the 4 yo). 8 y.o.'s latest thing is to scream "no one loves me" if we ask her to, say, brush her teeth. Teenage years should be a hoot.
mae0111, how are the 8 year old tantrums? It may not be like my nephew, but that is the lense that I look through now, and he was throwing hours long tantrums- hitting, kicking, yelling, sulking. He has been doing it since he was 5. He is now 10, and is finally in therapy.
No update beyond DS identified the child to the counselor and he knows they talked to him at lunch.
But new - DS punched a girl who took things from the one station and took them to another. It sounds like she got literally in his face yelling at him, so he punched her. He’s never done anything like this before and I am at a total loss on consequences. I’m almost too upset with him to give him a consequence - like eerie calm. But the consequence needs to be big. And lasting. And related. Ugh. This week sucks.
waverly - no kicking or hitting, but screaming to the point of almost vomiting, and can last anywhere from 5-30 mins. The last big one was triggered by telling her that it was time to get out of the bath tub. She'd been soaking for 45 mins, water was cold, she was shivering, lips were blue, screaming bloody murder that she was NOT getting out. Similar tantrum when she was told to get IN the tub 45 mins prior. Bathing is my hill to die on with her, because she seems to be hitting a pre-pubescent stage and gets stinky. I don't want her to be the smelly kid at school.
She has no issues at school. Teachers love her, kids love her, other parents love her. It's just at home. Just with me and DH (and our nanny prior).
2chatter - I'm probably the last person that should give parenting advice right now, but sounds like he's had a really tough week. Maybe the emotions carried over. I get it - he can't throw punches, but he's felt threatened all week, and this little girl threatened him too. He fought back. But I have no idea how to make it related. I suck at that.
mae0111, The tantrums themselves sound different, but still maybe a tad on the worse side than some tantrums. My nephew also has no problems at school, and saves it for home.
Just something to think about maybe having her see a counselor. Sorry if I am overstepping. I just saw it go on for 5 years with my sister, and how much she suffered with it. So I am much more quick to say go see someone than other people would be.
mae0111 , what is your reaction when they tell you no? They are probably testing boundaries to see what they will get away with, because you are new to being there all the time.
Reactions range from digging in heels, to acquiescing becaus I threaten to take away a toy or a privilege, to full scale nuclear tantrums (more with the 8 yo than the 4 yo). 8 y.o.'s latest thing is to scream "no one loves me" if we ask her to, say, brush her teeth. Teenage years should be a hoot.
I meant what do you do? my 3 year old acts like this and I remember my older ones acting like that too especially around the 7-8 year old range. I remember the oldest telling his dad that he hated him.
We are probably a lot more strict than most, but with the 8 year old I would not give second chances to. We didn't ask them to do things we told them. difference between Please go brush your teeth and It's bed time go brush your teeth. Then if one of them told us no, grabbed their hand took them up stairs brush their teeth like he was a baby (because that is he/they were acting) We would them that we loved them, but their behavior was unacceptable and we were not going to put up with it. Sent them to bed and tried again the next day. It is a process, but it worked for us.
Now if my teenagers back talk me I raise an eyebrow and ask who pays the bills. That usually gets them moving. They know I have to feed them, but I don't have give them food they like. I provide a roof over their head, but I don't have to provide internet or TV. Luckily their mother and father respect each others punishments and kids don't have a chance to play them against on another now that they are communicating better.
my 3 year old? eh it's still a process. Hopefully, he turns out as well as his brothers.
mae0111, your value as a mother is NOT measured by your children's behavior in any specific moment.
Can I speak bluntly? Have you considered the possibility that your kids, esp your DD, has special needs of some kind? Your posts scream anxiety to me. i think I have mentioned that before. I would consider finding someone skilled with anxious kids do an evaluation. Anxiety doesn't always look like anxiety. If you want some light listening, the podcast AT Parenting Survival Podcast is AMAZING. It is hosted by a child therapist who has anxiety and has 3 anxious kids. She also deals with OCD as well. She also does YouTube videos and has the website www.anxioustoddlerstoteens.com
waverly - no kicking or hitting, but screaming to the point of almost vomiting, and can last anywhere from 5-30 mins. The last big one was triggered by telling her that it was time to get out of the bath tub. She'd been soaking for 45 mins, water was cold, she was shivering, lips were blue, screaming bloody murder that she was NOT getting out. Similar tantrum when she was told to get IN the tub 45 mins prior. Bathing is my hill to die on with her, because she seems to be hitting a pre-pubescent stage and gets stinky. I don't want her to be the smelly kid at school.
She has no issues at school. Teachers love her, kids love her, other parents love her. It's just at home. Just with me and DH (and our nanny prior).
If she is hitting puberty I am willing to bet her hormones are going crazy. Its hard being a kid.
I appreciate all the feedback. I've been thinking about anxiety a bit (def no OCD), and it might fit.
My reaction has been to threaten taking a privilege, give one more chance, then follow through. If it's blatant disrespect, time out, loss of privilege, and if it's really big, she loses an event - a basketball, softball, or soccer game, attending a birthday party, no play dates. We link it by saying we can't trust her to behave at an event, since she can't behave at home.
Good idea to stop second chances.
I've also started taking more things. Won't clean up your toys when I ask? Toys are gone. left your iPad out? No iPad.
waverly - no kicking or hitting, but screaming to the point of almost vomiting, and can last anywhere from 5-30 mins. The last big one was triggered by telling her that it was time to get out of the bath tub. She'd been soaking for 45 mins, water was cold, she was shivering, lips were blue, screaming bloody murder that she was NOT getting out. Similar tantrum when she was told to get IN the tub 45 mins prior. Bathing is my hill to die on with her, because she seems to be hitting a pre-pubescent stage and gets stinky. I don't want her to be the smelly kid at school.
She has no issues at school. Teachers love her, kids love her, other parents love her. It's just at home. Just with me and DH (and our nanny prior).
If she is hitting puberty I am willing to bet her hormones are going crazy. Its hard being a kid.
I might blame puberty if this hadn't been going on for years. It has intensified more lately, but we've been dealing with it in some form since she was 4.
mae0111, that sounds familiar. I think with my sister she just kept thinking he would outgrow it when he was 5,6,7. Or it was because he went to Kindergarten, or dad went back to work, or they moved, or his older brother picks on him (which his brother definitely doesn't help). But for them, he never outgrew it. Not saying that for all kids, just their family's situation.
2chatter, I know hitting isn't the answer but he may have solved his bulling problem. He stood up for himself and didn't let this girl push him around. Yes hitting wasn't the answer but he didn't start crying or give in which showed everyone in his class that he will stick up for himself. I would have him apologize to both his teacher and the girl he hit that he should have used his words and not hit her but that she shouldn't have been yelling and getting in his personal space either. Out of curiosity what did the school/teacher do?
DD got choked during the last recesses yesterday. She stood her ground and told another kid no she didn't want him to chase her. He decided he would choke her to show her why she should have ran. He lost the rest of the recess as punishment. I'm not happy. Last year she was threatened with a wooden implement and it was just a sorry and go back to class with a note in the school file. I have PTC in an hour and want to know what is going on. DD also was and is still picked on at school. To the point the girl lives around the corner from us in a rental and DD refuses to play out front in fear the girl will see her. DD is still scared of her but things are going better this year thanks to her teacher stepping in. School counselor believes the girl who picks on her just wants to be her friend but is going about it wrong and really doesn't take DD's feelings very seriously. DD has gotten very good at avoiding her and saying NO loudly so staff can hear and watch.
mae0111 - fwiw middle DD behaves that way sometimes, but now, at 10, it’s at an all time low. I’d say 4 and 8 were the hardest years. With her, more sleep and lots of positive reactions and TOTALLY ignoring the start of bad behavior solves it. Like the tub. She says she won’t get out? I pull the plug like she didn’t speak, tell her the towel is on the steps and I will go get her pajamas, then I remove the audience and go. 90 percent of the time it worked. It’s like she was an addict and had to push the button to get the reaction.
It’s really hard, regardless. Our ped was really great - he and I discussed and he said it was emotional immaturity and high intelligence and I think he was right. Have you discussed with the ped? I can’t remember.
No update beyond DS identified the child to the counselor and he knows they talked to him at lunch.
But new - DS punched a girl who took things from the one station and took them to another. It sounds like she got literally in his face yelling at him, so he punched her. He’s never done anything like this before and I am at a total loss on consequences. I’m almost too upset with him to give him a consequence - like eerie calm. But the consequence needs to be big. And lasting. And related. Ugh. This week sucks.
I think the consequence depends on how upset/remorseful he is, and whether it was a true punch or just a shuffle with his hands landing on her. Like another poster mentioned, he has had a tough time lately. I don't ever condone any violence, but if this is a one-off thing, he is very remorseful (and conveys it), and work on coming up with a plan himself of how to handle this better in the future, I may not be too harsh on him.
We role played it with him being himself and then him being the girl. The girl said “ok, let’s fight” - I stopped him there - and he clarified that is exactly what happened. She said that so...he punched her. He said he knows he shouldn’t have and that he wanted to walk away but somehow his hand and his mind got confused.
So ... tomorrow’s sentence will be “I will keep my hands to myself” and we will go from there. Today he said writing “I will use my words” made him wonder how to tell his hands that if someone wants to fight. Because he tried today and I told him to just decide. He seemed ok with that - but wow, this year, I think boys are hard!!
Post by greenmonkey1 on Dec 7, 2017 20:16:58 GMT -5
xctsclrx I am partial to Benjamin for a boy because DH would absolutely not consider it for any of our boys (and we have 3). I also like the combination Con.nor J.ames suggested by covergirl82 . Just saw you are not partial to "C" names. What about L.andon or L.eo?
I also draw an absolute hard line at physical abuse. Cheating I *think* I could work through, but violence, that would be a big no. I am so sorry to hear your co-worker is dealing with such a situation. It is wonderful you can provide some support.
2chatter I want to squeeze your DS - he sounds like such a thoughtful sensitive little boy. Also, can I come over for parenting classes?? Because you handled it perfectly.