mae0111 - thank you, as it’s been a hard week! This morning I felt kind of crazy reminding him that if the other boy taunts him Before school not to respond and tell the counselor....then had to remind him to keep his hands to himself and do some belly breathing and get a Hoberman sphere from the quiet corner if he needs it (cleared with his teacher). Two opposing messages.
And my latest quandary —- how do I reconcile the “girls are strong” and “we don’t hit girls” messages? Because yeah, we don’t hit, but honestly, I would be less upset if he decked a boy who asked to fight, and I think most people have the same reaction. Is it as simple as “we don’t hit anyone ever”?
2chatter, “We don’t hit people.” Girls, boys, doesn’t matter. But yeah, I get it. Viscerally it feels different when it’s a girl. Maybe a discussion about how as he gets older he’s likely to be physically stronger than most women, just as a law of averages thing, so society really looks badly at boys and men who use that strength against women?i don’t know. I feel your pain on that one.
xctsclrx, we have an Alexander. We liked it partly because of possible nicknames. He could be Alex, Lex, Xander. And middle name is Edward so he could also choose Ed, Eddy, Ward, Ted, etc. I hate my name and wasn’t allowed to use a nickname, so both of my kids have very nickname-possibility-heavy names. Anyway, we are very happy with our choice!
2chatter, I just say hands to yourself or we don't hit. DS is 7 now, so I will occasionally bring up the news (the Me Too movement for example) in an age appropriate way and segway that into a values conversation. I wouldn't have done that at 5 though.
When DD called someone a "bitch" at school, I realized "use your words" was not specific enough. We are still struggling with how to handle people who do/say things she doesn't like. Which totally goes both ways because she is far from innocent in many of these exchanges, but in her own mind she is always the victim. So that is where we are trying to focus.
2chatter , It's hard, but I think mommyatty , has the right idea. I don't believe girls have the right to hit boys because they aren't allowed to hit back yet many women seem to think they do.
The equality issue is big, but it goes both ways. If you hit someone you should assume that they will retaliate. We have always told our kids don't start the fight, but you will not get in trouble for finishing it. We have always assumed that it would be other boys that they would fight with. I have honestly never thought about what to tell them if it was a girl doing it.
We have discussed what an abusive relationship is, and what it looks like. It also goes both ways, their girlfriends are not allowed to hit them scream at them isolate them and neither are they. (this came about, because their mother was in an abusive relationship,that thankfully she is not in anymore).
xctsclrx - DS asked me what to do if she hits him first. I told him no matter who hits him first to remove himself from the situation and get help from an adult. If he can’t remove himself he can DEFEND himself. That was a hard concept to explain - the difference between getting into the fight and defending himself. I have 13.5 years parenting experience and it astounds me how hard it STILL is.
2chatter, I have talked to my kids before about the getting help. Just asking how effective it is. They laughed at me and told me tattling makes it worse. Granted this is middle school not elementary. Huge difference. It just made me sad knowing that nothing has change since I was in school or since their dad was in school. It is why they know how to defend themselves. We have also talked about how bullies like the reaction that they get and if you don't react to the taunting they might give up.
I was lucky enough never to have anyone lay hands on me. My husband got in a fight one time in middle school and one time in college. In middle school he was suspended (so was the other kid) but he never was picked on again. In college he had a classmate verbally attacked him in class, because he was wearing a veteran's badge on his back pack. The other guy followed out of the class and then physically attacked. He was pushed away and warned. "if you touch me again I will break your arm" He didn't listen and DH broke his arm. DH was then arrested and the other guys father came to him dropped all charges and apologized to my husband. Guys father was a retired vet. Pure craziness.
akafred- Your comment about C always feeling like she’s the victim made me think of the quote “We are all the hero in our own story.” Kids included! It’s not like we ever think “I’m the villain here.”
My TWERK: I think next week is my last trip for the year. Yay! I hope.
Post by erinshelley21 on Dec 8, 2017 14:46:14 GMT -5
Update to my TWERK: Ex-BIL and niece never showed up at my house last night for niece to apologize and give the money back. MIL thinks it is because SIL and him haven't had a chance to talk to niece about it yet. I get busy schedules and crap, but if my 10 year old was stealing I think I would find a way to carve out some time to discuss the issue with her before 5 days after. It will be after this weekend too since SIL and niece are going out of town and won't be back until Sunday evening.
On the hitting thing, is this one of those things that can be re-taught as a child matures? Because right now at 4 I can see DS only being able to understand "we don't hit anyone" but as he gets older it progress into "we don't hit girls, ever, but if a boy hits you first you can hit him back" then obviously at a more mature level it would then turn into defending himself. Vice versa for DD.
xctsclrx - DS is only 5, so I agree it for sure changes as they get older! DS was the K equivalent of written up at the start of the year because a boy pushed him and DS pushed back. I was glad DS didn’t cry (!!!) but we talked about not retaliating.
There have been several MS fights - DD was pushed back into the bleachers by one in Athletics - boys at that age have some strength and get pretty out of hand pretty quickly. I’m hoping kinder isn’t a predictor for DS.
The counselor called to update me on DS’ issue and she said kids hit allll the time and while it’s a big deal, it’s not a big deal as it’s obviously out of character for DS. I was glad to hear that it is common (even across genders!) and that she can see who DS IS.
erinshelley21 - I would be beyond pissed at them. And disappointed in their parenting. Is the divorce new??
And I do think this whole thing will have to be retaught but I think it only get harder as they get older. Ugh.
Post by erinshelley21 on Dec 8, 2017 15:38:55 GMT -5
2chatter not new. It's been final for over a year. I'm really shocked that SIL has been dealing with parenting issues the way she has lately. DH and I are probably going to end up having to talk to niece about it. It's definitely not our place or responsibility but this girl is at my house a few times a month and we aren't going to let that fly.
Developmentally typical kids still hit up until about age 6. Developmentally immature kids it can be much older. They just don't have much impulse control before that.
We’re seeing an RE now and starting a round of Clomid/IUI this month. We’re only doing this for three cycles and will then need to throw in the towel on this whole trying for a second thing. For age and money reasons. I asked DH if he’d be willing to go to a foster-adopt info session but he doesn’t seem all that open to it.
On the upside, he agreed to try medication for his anxiety. Woo hoo! I anticipate it will still be several months for him to follow through on making an appt and then filling the prescription, but at least he’s agreed to try *something*