Experienced sports and activities moms

[waverly]

Our good friends unbeknownst to me have started a clique for want of a better word of 3 families that all do activities together. We have been partially invited but partially left out. Like they may have asked that the 3 boys be together in Cub Scout but left out my son. Although he was asked to be in the larger troop not the smaller den.

The coach asked me if I needed my son on his team and I said it didn't matter. The 3 boys are again all in the same team. And my son is on a different one but the time works better anyway. I'm a bit independent so it seems a bit weird to me the do everything together thing.

So I guess my question is, is it better to avoid cliques or try to join them? They are not really my friends but friend of a friend and I don't like one of the moms. Or is it better to keep my distance?

Seems like a silly question but they all coach multiple sports, so I will be running into this for every sport for him for multiple years. The coaches can choose the players.

[mommyatty]

Ugh. I hate stuff like this. There was a group of moms last year in DD’s class who acted this way, and it made me avoid them like the plague. It’s just creepy and weird to me. The saddest part was one of the moms has identical twins. One of the twins would always run up to DD and want to play with her, but their mom would quickly usher her back to the clique, where she looked miserable. Luckily, the ringleader mom sent her kid to public school, so the clique has mostly died. I’ve since gotten to know the twins’ mom, and I really like her, but I’m still leery because just yuck.

Also, I want my kids to have lots of opportunities to meet and befriend different kids, so I’m always happy when DD gets an activity with a whole new group of nice kids. Being able to maneuver in social situations where you don’t know anyone is a learned skill. I will do the same when DS is old enough for activities.

[waverly]

Ok that's what I was thinking that it was a bit weird maybe not even that they all even do the same activities, but that it all has to be the same team/ group of the activity. And the fact they rig it that way takes it that additional step farther.

Especially since I don't like one of the moms. The other two are nice.

I am looking for me to meet new people, so it just makes sense to me for DS to meet new people also.

[ilovelucyvv]

My kids aren’t school aged yet but if my kid played the sport better when teamed up with another kid (aka good at passing the ball to eachother or whatever), i would consider it but otherwise no especially if I didn’t like one of the parents

[sunbutter]

Do your own thing. Friendships change. If you have a kid who is willing to walk into a group he has never met and have fun, foster that! My DD is one of those kids and I watch the rest of the parents at her activities struggle with convincing their children that it is ok that they don’t know anyone.
You can still be friends with everyone just do your own thing. You become stronger and less dependent on that adult clique which I am sure is headed for drama.

[campermom]

Maybe it's just me I cringed when I saw what the post was about-cliques!I run far far away from them!

I guess my feeling is that at this age, these things are happening more for the parents than they do kids, and my priorities are not on creating friendships for myself or my kids, for that matter.

To me, friendships (for kids and for families) may start with a sport but continue to develop outside of it. We picked a team w our friends once bc my H was deploying and she took my son to practice. Then when he returned, we returned the favor since she began PT those nights.

Even with friends though, I'm really not interested in bending over backwards to prioritize scheduling my family around other families. We have enough scheduling to work around that I really do whatever is the most convenient for US.

I would do what I would do, by signing him up for whatever you would choose regardless of the clique. Then stay close with the friends you like. We hang out with the family we like outside of sports. At the same time, it doesn't happen as much as we would like but that's bc we both have realistic expectations of how often we have time to hang out. Anyway if it were me I would avoid these situations. Esp given your feelings toward the others...ugh who has time for negativity!

[waverly]

Yeah I was also wondering if it would lead to drama. Maybe they are all adults super great at navigating friendships, but it seems to be all coaching together and playing together every single sport/ team, it just seems there will be some conflict at some point.

[rere]

I can relate. We live in a small town, small private school which is run by queen bee cliques. My best advice is to stay far away and let friendship and things progress naturally. If you are not on the clique team, it will most likely be a little more relaxed and natural and there are usually other parents you can bond with that roll their eyes at the antics of the clique.

I love how some people keep up the high school behavior for a lifetime. I wonder if nursing homes will be the same.

[sandandsea]

We don’t have time to do cliques. Things have to fit into our already hectic schedules. So if it works out that ds can be on a team with friends we go for it. If not we pass. For summer camps I did text a few of his friends moms to see what they are doing so he can have some friends at summer camp with him.

[akafred]

Umh, I'm not entirely decided on the issue. Like were we a "clique" when my DD was in preschool and had BFFs? We sometimes met outside school for group play dates, and when 2 of them suggested I put DD in the same gymnastics class, I did. It wasn't trying to be a clique or exclude anyone, it was trying to foster this supportive friendship for DD. Truth is I adored one of the moms, and kind of hated the other. But I tolerated her. Actually at first DD and her daughter were sort of frenemies (as much as you can be at age 3), so we did some play dates just the 2 of them and they became friendly at school and then became the 3 musketeers.

Currently DD is 8 and doesn't exactly have any close friends at school. I am trying to foster a friendship with a little girl there who would be a good influence for DD, so we have play dates and might try to coordinate a week at the same camp or a sport together. It isn't exclusionary but I'm shy so it might come across that way. I tend to "snub" people unintentionally.

[waverly]

Jan 21, 2018 11:52:01 GMT -5 akafred said:

Umh, I'm not entirely decided on the issue. Like were we a "clique" when my DD was in preschool and had BFFs? We sometimes met outside school for group play dates, and when 2 of them suggested I put DD in the same gymnastics class, I did. It wasn't trying to be a clique or exclude anyone, it was trying to foster this supportive friendship for DD. Truth is I adored one of the moms, and kind of hated the other. But I tolerated her. Actually at first DD and her daughter were sort of frenemies (as much as you can be at age 3), so we did some play dates just the 2 of them and they became friendly at school and then became the 3 musketeers.

Currently DD is 8 and doesn't exactly have any close friends at school. I am trying to foster a friendship with a little girl there who would be a good influence for DD, so we have play dates and might try to coordinate a week at the same camp or a sport together. It isn't exclusionary but I'm shy so it might come across that way. I tend to "snub" people unintentionally.

That doesn't sound like a clique to me. In our situation they have invited us to gymnastics, using your example and then when we get to gymnastics it turns out there are two groups and we are in the other one at a different time and the 3 other kids are together, and we never see them. But this was done 4 times with 4 different activities because I didn't demand them to be on the same team.

So my question is do I demand them to be on the same team since they are partially open to, it partially excluding? Or just keep doing our thing with whatever team we get assigned to?

In the first activity I had no idea they were making these requests. In another case the coach asked me if I wanted him in their team and I said it didn't matter, so then he was put on another team.

[mustardseed2007]

Do you put any of their names down at registration?

Around here there is a limit - maybe one or two kids you can ask to be on your team. A sports league in our area has specific "daisy chain" rules because teams were coordinating such that Johnny asked to be with Cliff, Cliff asked to be with Joe, Joe asked to be with Brian...and the result was that Johnny, Cliff, Joe and Brian all got on the same team; and they wouldn't do that with just 4 kids they'd do it with 12 kids.
The league has tried to fix this by requiring that now friends have to ask for each other or they don't honor the request.

Speaking for me, I would absolutely ask to be with one of my kid's friends so that he knows someone, but only if DS liked the kid. If I was being purposely excluded from a clique, I would try not to chase them. I'm not good at disengaging b/c I have a terrible need for approval of others (that I hope to God I don't pass on to my kids), but it's not healthy or good to chase after people who aren't trying to be inclusive.

[waverly]

I would say they were being exclusive in the first case and inclusive in the second. I didn't know how many kids they could ask for and didn't want to ask that much which is why I said it didn't matter. I would say that overall more exclusive than inclusive.

I don't see a place to request a friend at registration. I think it's all done at the coach level and their dads are all rotating coaches depending on the sport.

[akafred]

I would probably just ask when they extend the invite how you make sure they are on the same team. Or ask if they are thinking they would all be on the same team, and how that is accomplished.

[2chatter]

What you are calling a clique is sanity here. I make sure my kids are all on teams with friends so we can share driving for practices and so we have coverage for games transportation when we are out of town. Same for classes like gymnastics and school holiday camps and church and Girl Scout activities - if I am out of town, sick, driving another kid somewhere at the same time, etc.

I would strongly encourage that everyone do this. We don’t do this with the same three kids for each of my kids -
Per child it spans 7-16 families across the various activities (2 gymnastics, 4 soccer, 6 Girl Scouts, 4 church - some overlap but also some people that are just one of the activities. We all take the kids out for ice cream or to the park from time to time when transporting before/after and those are the EASIEST play dates to set up.) Also, as they get older, friends will want to come to their games and hang out before/after - it’s even more fun when there are a couple kids coming to watch and a couple kids playing.

My kids have lots and lots of friends (my oldest introvert has a couple close friends in each activity and a wider circle, too, which continues to surprise me BUT i totally think it’s because we set her up for success) and it’s kind of chaos but I prefer it to the “this is our clique” mentality.

[waverly]

Good point on the carpooling. I get home later than any of the other moms so I haven't thought of the carpooling aspect but I need to think about that. It's hard though as I only have one spot in my car for a kid between two boosters but we have plans for a bigger car in 2 years. Their group originated from carpooling I think from preschool to daycare and camps to home.

Also I am so independent and used to never asking for help and proud. It's hard for me to ask for help or anything of that matter. But that is something I need to keep working on because H travels usually 2 days a week and we have no family in town, so I need to keep working on my "village."

[akafred]

I don't think it's really asking for help once your kiddo is closer to carpooling age. More like teaming up!

Honestly if I were the other moms I would probably be asking myself why you signed your child up for the same activity and then put them on another team or in a different class when they had told you our kids are on the same team.

[waverly]

In the first case I think they knew they all requested it and didn't tell me. I suppose I could ask but awkward....

In the second case maybe he did wonder why I didn't say put my kid on your team? It was a pretty casual conversation.

I was never told the kids were all on the same team. I had to figure that out in my own. I didn't know who the coaches were or that two of the dads were pairing up on the team or that the third kid was added. I only found out any of this info after the rosters came out.
I'm basically clueless apparently at least at all new to me stuff. 😀

[erinshelley21]

I would avoid cliques. There's already enough drama that can be brought on by sports so being part of a clique is only going to invite more into your life.

I'm also from a small town and sports were very much like politics when I was playing. I'm finding that it hasn't changed much and I'm not looking forward too it. My parents never played into the sports politics very much and while I'm sure it impacted my playing time in one sport specifically, I'm glad they didn't. It taught me a lot about entitlement (one coach named his daughter captain because he felt bad that her other 2 coaches didn't and I know this because he told me when he told me I was captain because I showed up to off season practices 90% of the time) and working hard.

Our baseball/softball league only allows you to list family members when you sign up and that's about as far as it goes for requesting teammates. Even then they might raise eyebrows at a cousin being listed. You might be able to list what team you were on the previous year too.

[waverly]

Jan 21, 2018 19:32:59 GMT -5 erinshelley21 said:

I would avoid cliques. There's already enough drama that can be brought on by sports so being part of a clique is only going to invite more into your life.

I'm also from a small town and sports were very much like politics when I was playing. I'm finding that it hasn't changed much and I'm not looking forward too it. My parents never played into the sports politics very much and while I'm sure it impacted my playing time in one sport specifically, I'm glad they didn't. It taught me a lot about entitlement (one coach named his daughter captain because he felt bad that her other 2 coaches didn't and I know this because he told me when he told me I was captain because I showed up to off season practices 90% of the time) and working hard.

Our baseball/softball league only allows you to list family members when you sign up and that's about as far as it goes for requesting teammates. Even then they might raise eyebrows at a cousin being listed. You might be able to list what team you were on the previous year too.

Yeah I was really only thinking the coaches could put their kids, so that is why extra kids being on there was a surprise to me.

[2chatter]

I think it’s regionally different. Here teams stay together and teams can be open or closed. DD’s soccer team is closed and the coach add new players, people can’t just register for her team (this happened when brand new to the sport players joined a competitive team and could not even handle practices because it was too advanced for a new player - those girls cried and quit.) DS’ team is open - we joined by requesting the coach so DS had a buddy on his team.

It’s totally normal to request friends/coaches here. The downside is if you ever want to change teams it’s a bit dramatic - friends who moved their kids to DD’s team faced a little gossip because their daughters were essentially moving up.

[covergirl82]

waverly, I just want to add that sometimes I feel the same way with DS's friends' parents. It feels like sometimes DS is left out of invitations to play on certain teams or go to certain events. I mostly don't feel it's intentional. These parents have older kids, and I think they all got connected when their now-4th graders were in Kindergarten together. And they all happen to have 2nd graders too (which is DS's grade). Even though it can feel clique-y sometimes, I do like DS's friends and their parents, so I'm going the route that it's just going to take a little time for us to make more in-roads with the group.

FWIW, we do live in a suburb of a mid-size metro city, but our suburb it has a definite small-town feel. It is a mix of people like DH who grew up there and moved back and people who are new to area but like it for the good schools and nice little downtown.

[mommyatty]

I think it’s possible to have kids on the same team and not be clique-ish. The kids’ school is really small. Like there are 38 kids in the entire kindergarten (3 classes). So often, like for soccer and tee ball, the parents who will coach will post on the class Facebook page that sign-Ups are on x-y days, and if you want them to be on a team with classmates, then request they be on a team with (fill in the blank). It’s first come, first served. The main reason we do this is if a majority of the kids on the team go to the school, the school will let us use their practice fields. Later it will also help with carpool etc.

But again, it’s open to the whole class. We’ve done soccer and tee ball this way. But cheerleading and basketball we did solo. And the kids want to do karate and we will do that solo too.

[traveltheworld]

I think you should do whatever you feel most comfortable with, assuming that your DS has no strong opinions either way.

My DS used to be very anti-social and refused to participate in anything. So from ages 2.5 - 5, we had him in every sport with his best friend. That was the only way he'd go and participate. It helped that his bestie's mom was my best friend from work, so I liked hanging out together. We made sure we always had the boys on the same teams.

I'm not trying to get DS onto the same outdoor soccer team as one of the boys in his current indoor soccer team. We are in a new city, don't really know anyone, and that boy's mom seems super nice, so selfishly, I want to stay in touch and hopefully make a friend.

[waverly]

Jan 22, 2018 12:49:36 GMT -5 traveltheworld said:

I think you should do whatever you feel most comfortable with, assuming that your DS has no strong opinions either way.

My DS used to be very anti-social and refused to participate in anything. So from ages 2.5 - 5, we had him in every sport with his best friend. That was the only way he'd go and participate. It helped that his bestie's mom was my best friend from work, so I liked hanging out together. We made sure we always had the boys on the same teams.

I'm not trying to get DS onto the same outdoor soccer team as one of the boys in his current indoor soccer team. We are in a new city, don't really know anyone, and that boy's mom seems super nice, so selfishly, I want to stay in touch and hopefully make a friend.

Comfort is part of the issue.  One of the moms, I don't know that well was IMO pretty mean.  And the time is better for me later.  And I am more comfortable doing my own thing than coordinating because I feel like when I farm things out depending on what they are, I spend more time managing them then just doing it myself.  Some things could be better done by others (the grocery delivery we use).  Some things where I try to farm stuff out ended in fails like Task Rabbit. 

But if she seems more normal in our next encounters then I may rethink it.  I may try one sport where he is with everyone and one sport where he isn't and go from there. 

[waverly]

Had our first practice tonight. I really like his coaches. He is the worst dribbler on the team and with his motor planning issues is usually the worst at something. So I was kind of glad he was with all new kids rather than friends.

I also thought it would really help his arm strength issues and help with some motor planning issues.

[akafred]

Jan 23, 2018 21:13:51 GMT -5 waverly said:

Had our first practice tonight. I really like his coaches. He is the worst dribbler on the team and with his motor planning issues is usually the worst at something. So I was kind of glad he was with all new kids rather than friends.

I also thought it would really help his arm strength issues and help with some motor planning issues.

I wouldn't sweat it at this age. The girls on Char's team all have something they are "bad" at and no one is mean about it. Char will say something about it after the game or practice sometimes, like "I don't like passing to Sarah because she always lets the other team take it away", but she doesn't say it to them thankfully. And she knows full well she is not the best shooter, and is a ball hog. But it doesn't embarrass her.

[HeartofCheese]

I wouldn't be interested in the clique. I like to be included, but I like my independence, too. So unless they were going to be a tremendous help with getting my kids to and from activities/school/my house, I'm going to maintain my independence so I can do what's best for me/my kids. I would continue to get to know them, but stay free of the clique. Especially b/c you don't want to end up friend-married to the one you don't like.

[2chatter]

Courtesy of last night - also watch out for the parents who put their kids in all the activities but can literally never transport them. Over the years this has morphed into kids being brought over hours before activities. This one mom once said something like “you are going on a trip? Who’s going to get the girls to activity?” I was speechless. I had made arrangements for DD.... anyway, that whole thing can be a stressful downside.

[justcheckingin73]

Jan 24, 2018 9:05:42 GMT -5 2chatter said:

Courtesy of last night - also watch out for the parents who put their kids in all the activities but can literally never transport them. Over the years this has morphed into kids being brought over hours before activities. This one mom once said something like “you are going on a trip? Who’s going to get the girls to activity?” I was speechless. I had made arrangements for DD.... anyway, that whole thing can be a stressful downside.

One of DDs moms is like this. Except that they’re teenagers now so she doesn’t pawn her off on me hours before but she’ll text me usually at the last minute to drop off or pick up. It bothers me because she can never reciprocate. She works downtown and doesn’t get home until 7.

It’s also stressful when I travel, especially out of the country and I get texts at odd hours looking for rides or help and then I have to try to manage that with DH or other parents who are carpooling. That’s mostly why I post where I’m traveling to on FB - so my local moms might not reach out to me when DH is by himself but it doesn’t always work.