Holiday question

[k3am]

I know, we just wrapped up the holidays and Christmas isn't for a while. But we were discussing it yesterday and now I'm sad about it. 

My family lives ~ 5 hours away. I am guaranteed to see the whole family twice a year - once for Christmas, and usually once for a summer trip - which we don't have planned for this year. My mom and one sister usually come visit a couple times a year. My sister doesn't bring her kids because they're teenagers and busy. My other sister can't afford to visit, let alone bring her kids. 

DH really wants to do Christmas at home this year. He wants to "lay around in jammies all day and let the kids open their presents at home and enjoy them." It sounds fabulous, but this won't happen because if his parents know we're in town, they'll guilt us until we invite them over. And I don't want to spend Christmas with his parents if I'm not spending it with mine. At all. (Yes, selfish bitchy DIL, party of 1 over here. But Christmas is my favorite holiday and I don't enjoy spending time with them, so my holiday will be knocked down a few notches.)

I mean, as long as I'm being bitchy... there's a reason one of his siblings has disowned the entire family, one has only come to visit 3 times since I've known DH, and the other comes for occasional visits, but never holidays. 

I suggested that we do Christmas Eve here, open presents in the morning and then drive down. There won't be traffic so we can make it in time for dinner. He hates this idea too. 

Thoughts? Advice? Do I need to just pull my head out of my ass? Work more on getting him to compromise? Force the issue? I don't know. 

[waverly]

I like having Christmas at home and stopped traveling for it. But I don't care if I see his family and not mine because his family isn't horrible. And I do see mine eventually. But if you want to see your family for Christmas than I would keep trying to work towards that goal.

[2chatter]

I sucked it up and we see DH’s family (who I like but it makes for a busy day). One year we didn’t, and it was awesome. I played the “Christmas is my birthday” card and we went out for Chinese and lounged. So maybe view this in the long term - Christmas with his fam (they come to you and you order dinner) this year - you set the terms, yours next year, solo the following year.

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 11:06:35 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I sucked it up and we see DH’s family (who I like but it makes for a busy day). One year we didn’t, and it was awesome. I played the “Christmas is my birthday” card and we went out for Chinese and lounged. So maybe view this in the long term - Christmas with his fam (they come to you and you order dinner) this year - you set the terms, yours next year, solo the following year.

They will come to us, but there's no setting the terms. They will come when they please, we will eat what they like (we'll have to cook. It will be steak.) when they like it. They will have no regard for anything we (I) want. They will fill the day with random snarky remarks towards me (or worse) and DH will have tuned them out so that I'm the one entertaining and he doesn't notice most of what they say. 

I will end up taking shots of straight vodka in the garage by myself. Or I guess since we'll be in a newer, bigger house, I'll take shots of vodka by myself in the laundry room. 

[waverly]

k3am, Nope to all of that.

[phdmomma]

What about having them over for Christmas Eve? And then asking for the day to yourself? I like the driving down to see your family for Christmas dinner, but we drive alot.

At our house my in laws come over (they live about an hour away), for church and food with my kids. Christmas morning we open our gifts and then head to their house, which in general is good, although last year I had to prod DH to make it there on time. My parents come for New Years which is my daughter' birthday.

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 11:30:19 GMT -5 phdmomma said:

What about having them over for Christmas Eve? And then asking for the day to yourself? I like the driving down to see your family for Christmas dinner, but we drive alot.

At our house my in laws come over (they live about an hour away), for church and food with my kids. Christmas morning we open our gifts and then head to their house, which in general is good, although last year I had to prod DH to make it there on time. My parents come for New Years which is my daughter' birthday.

I'll suggest this. But DH doesn't care about seeing his parents one way or another besides trying to get out of the guilt trip. It's really driving to see my family.

[186momx]

Christmas is just a day. Why can't you celebrate on a different day? Can you see if your family will celebrate over the weekend 22/23? Or you celebrate that weekend and have a pj weekend and open gifts then drive over to see your family for the actual holiday? No way I would deal with family who caused me to hide out in my own house. You could always go and celebrate at their house the Saturday after so you can control the time length.

When I was little and we lived by all the family in IN. The S side celebrated the Sunday before Christmas after church all afternoon. The K side celebrated on Christmas eve. Everyone got Christmas day home alone. My dad's mom would always do dinner the Saturday after for her kids/grandkids. It was always the same so you came when you wanted and it worked.

[2chatter]

If DH doesn’t care don’t tell them you will be in town and don’t see them, and drink vodka in your living room in your pajamas regardless. I am not above white lies, though. I would totally tell
Them if pressed “we are going to see k3am’s family on Christmas” and plan to face time (see) your family.

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 11:44:53 GMT -5 2chatter said:

If DH doesn’t care don’t tell them you will be in town and don’t see them, and drink vodka in your living room in your pajamas regardless. I am not above white lies, though. I would totally tell
Them if pressed “we are going to see k3am’s family on Christmas” and plan to face time (see) your family.

DH is physically incapable of lying. Even about little inconsequential stuff. I know this, his parents know this. 

They start the calls and inquiries about Christmas early because they can't combine his birthday (week before Christmas) with the actual day of Christmas, they neeeeeeeeeeed two separate visits.

[waverly]

Mar 8, 2018 11:44:53 GMT -5 2chatter said:

If DH doesn’t care don’t tell them you will be in town and don’t see them, and drink vodka in your living room in your pajamas regardless. I am not above white lies, though. I would totally tell
Them if pressed “we are going to see k3am’s family on Christmas” and plan to face time (see) your family.

I was thinking that, but I think they live nearby and could drive by the house and see they are there.  I don't normally lie, but if I do my family is 5 hours away, so they wouldn't know what we were doing that day anyway.  

ETA- I would tell your H that by allowing these comments he is enabling their bad behavior.  He needs to listen and say that comment is not appropriate, and because he does not do that is why you are going to see your family on Christmas. 

My FIL likes to make conservative comments, not sure what he is even trying to say.  He knows my H doesn't agree with him politically, so he says things to jab at my H not sure why since DH doesn't talk politics with him anymore.  I guess because DH did at one time.  Anyway, DH says that's inappropriate every time.   It doesn't stop it from happening, but it does shut him up after one sentence.   he doesn't make comments to have a respectful discussion.  It is to be a jerk to clarify. 

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 11:50:21 GMT -5 waverly said:

Mar 8, 2018 11:44:53 GMT -5 2chatter said:

If DH doesn’t care don’t tell them you will be in town and don’t see them, and drink vodka in your living room in your pajamas regardless. I am not above white lies, though. I would totally tell
Them if pressed “we are going to see k3am’s family on Christmas” and plan to face time (see) your family.

I was thinking that, but I think they live nearby and could drive by the house and see they are there.  I don't normally lie, but if I do my family is 5 hours away, so they wouldn't know what we were doing that day anyway.  

They're about an hour and a half away. But it has not randomly stopped them from stopping by our house to drop off random stuff. (Like.. a BBQ or a lawnmower. Or half a piece of cooked sausage leftover from dinner they went to.)

They also know the code to get into our house, did I mention that? 

[k3am]

I feel confident in so many aspects of my life. But navigating the relationship with his parents is not one of them.

[waverly]

Mar 8, 2018 11:53:01 GMT -5 k3am said:

Mar 8, 2018 11:50:21 GMT -5 waverly said:

I was thinking that, but I think they live nearby and could drive by the house and see they are there.  I don't normally lie, but if I do my family is 5 hours away, so they wouldn't know what we were doing that day anyway.  

They're about an hour and a half away. But it has not randomly stopped them from stopping by our house to drop off random stuff. (Like.. a BBQ or a lawnmower. Or half a piece of cooked sausage leftover from dinner they went to.)

They also know the code to get into our house, did I mention that? 

Your new house they know the code too?  I was thinking when you move would be a perfect time to just not tell them codes or give them keys.  Maybe I am too late. 

[ECB]

Sooo.....

I feel it's over used, but somewhere in this you have a DH problem. The fact that he won't say "no" to them, then when they come over, it's all about them, AND they are snarky to you and he just sits back and let's it happen.... Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

As long as this is taking place, I would refuse to stay home for Christmas. Simple as that. YOU shouldn't have to navigate his parents. That's on him. And he's not doing it. So you'll end up miserable.

Nope.

I could get on board with having a lazy day at home for Christmas. But as you KNOW that won't happen (at least as things stand now), well, again - NOPE.

he gets his wish only when he can prove to you that he'll actually put you first. Until then:

NOPE.

[2chatter]

Also FWIW - DH was direct with his family that we wanted a Christmas at home. Nothing blew up. If he isn’t married to seeing them, would he be direct, then turn them away if they do arrive?

I hate the stress of wondering if they will appear, on Christmas, though. Are their boundaries that bad that if they agree NOT to see you guys on Christmas that they would drive over anyway? Ugh. He has to handle the bigger picture, I think.

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 12:21:20 GMT -5 2chatter said:

Also FWIW - DH was direct with his family that we wanted a Christmas at home. Nothing blew up. If he isn’t married to seeing them, would he be direct, then turn them away if they do arrive?

I hate the stress of wondering if they will appear, on Christmas, though. Are their boundaries that bad that if they agree NOT to see you guys on Christmas that they would drive over anyway? Ugh. He has to handle the bigger picture, I think.

Honestly, at the end of the day, DH would just not do/say anything and would leave the decision 100% up to me as to whether or not to include them. And I would give in and invite them, because I have a major guilt complex. Even if we agreed to it today that we stay home, just our family, etc., when it came down to it, I would break. Because that's the way it always works. 

His parents are not awful people. They love him, they love their grandkids. The issue in the whole equation is me. 

[waverly]

I wouldn't take all the blame. They are the ones making snarky comments and your H seems very passive in his interactions with them.

If it is a matter of standing up yourself then do it. Make what kind of food you want if they complain ignore them. As far as snarky comments I've got nothing because if I get confrontational it doesn't go well if I get mad. Which is why it would be helpful if your H could step up and help you out. If they want certain food they are welcome to bring it or your H can make it but I wouldn't personally.

[covergirl82]

k3am, but will your in-laws know the code to your house at your new house?

Also, that seems like a 'boundaries' discussion (i.e., they need to know they can't come over/in without being invited) as others mentioned, but that's for another day.

I would agree with a compromise being you are home for Christmas morning, stay in jammies until 11 or noon (or whenever you need to leave), and then leave to go to your family. To me it feels like if Christmas is one of the only times you see your family, then there should be an effort to go see them.

And you are a saint, k3am, for not saying something thus far to your in-laws about dropping by anytime they please (especially to give you weird leftover food, that's so strange).

[mommyatty]

When it comes down to it, it looks like someone will be unhappy. So... your choice is whether it’s you or your in laws. Choose for them to be unhappy. And let them get over it. As you’ve said, there’s a reason your DH is the last one standing with a relationship with them.

I agree that if DH is going to spend the day with them pretty much pretending they aren’t there, then his choices are to go see your family or proactively tell them you are not spending Christmas with them under any circumstances and then repeating as necessary. (If he punts to you, your answer has to remain “we already agreed on the outcome and that you would handle this, so handle it.”)

Stop feeling guilty. My mom isn’t in our lives in large part because she treats her children’s spouses like shit. I watched my brother get divorced twice because his first two wives couldn’t take her (and his inability to handle her) any longer. After we cut her out, she’s marginally better with Wife #3. But geez, some people just can’t deal with the whole idea that their baby made his/her own family.

[mae0111]

I'm your DH in this issue. My parents live 5 mins away - his mom lives 5 hours away. If we were to stay home, there's no way we could avoid my family without terribly hurt feelings. DH gets on fairly well with my parents, but there are always issues. He gets on less well with my siblings just due to some history. So he's not excited to see them every holiday, but he understands that there's not a lot of wiggle room.

I think that, since you see your family so seldom, you can dig your heels in on this one. We always do Thanksgiving OR just after Christmas with his family. Neither of us wants to travel for actual Christmas at this point, and traveling for more holidays (Easter, etc.) is just too hard right now. I let him decide. The past 2 years, he's chosen to go for Thanksgiving, and then his family comes to us after Christmas for a few days.

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 14:16:38 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

I think that, since you see your family so seldom, you can dig your heels in on this one. We always do Thanksgiving OR just after Christmas with his family. Neither of us wants to travel for actual Christmas at this point, and traveling for more holidays (Easter, etc.) is just too hard right now. I let him decide. The past 2 years, he's chosen to go for Thanksgiving, and then his family comes to us after Christmas for a few days.

I thought we had it all nailed down. We host Thanksgiving for his parents. They get Easter. They get FIL and MIL's birthday. They come for both kid's and DH's birthday. We go to them for Father's Day and Mother's Day. 

And now I'm getting more annoyed that he can't/won't just give me Christmas. 

[ECB]

Mar 8, 2018 14:20:46 GMT -5 k3am said:

I thought we had it all nailed down. We host Thanksgiving for his parents. They get Easter. They get FIL and MIL's birthday. They come for both kid's and DH's birthday. We go to them for Father's Day and Mother's Day. 

And now I'm getting more annoyed that he can't/won't just give me Christmas. 

Have you laid all this out for him??

Mar 8, 2018 12:27:06 GMT -5 k3am said:

His parents are not awful people. They love him, they love their grandkids. The issue in the whole equation is me. 

And why the back pedal??  Don't do this.  There is a reason there is an issue here.  They may not be "awful", but they sure as heck aren't "great" either.  Loving him and your kids doesn't excuse them for being rude!!  It honestly bothers me that you're making this out like this is all you.  IT'S NOT!!!!!  

Go to your family for the holidays.  Yes, put your foot down.  What your DH is doing here isn't fair to you.  And the fact that his family sees you all as much as they do and now he wants to give them yet one more holiday???  Come on.  How's that fair?? 

[mae0111]

Mar 8, 2018 14:20:46 GMT -5 k3am said:

Mar 8, 2018 14:16:38 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

I think that, since you see your family so seldom, you can dig your heels in on this one. We always do Thanksgiving OR just after Christmas with his family. Neither of us wants to travel for actual Christmas at this point, and traveling for more holidays (Easter, etc.) is just too hard right now. I let him decide. The past 2 years, he's chosen to go for Thanksgiving, and then his family comes to us after Christmas for a few days.

I thought we had it all nailed down. We host Thanksgiving for his parents. They get Easter. They get FIL and MIL's birthday. They come for both kid's and DH's birthday. We go to them for Father's Day and Mother's Day. 

And now I'm getting more annoyed that he can't/won't just give me Christmas. 

Oh knowing all that?  Yeah, dig in your heels.  Team you.

[2chatter]

Holy hell, take back Mothers Day too! Celebrate MIL on a different day. My kids damn well better celebrate with me when they have their own families but IDGAF what day it happens on. I mean, other than a Merry Mothers Day or something....

[erinshelley21]

Does he actually know how being around them affects you? If my H knew I was sneaking out to the garage to take shots of vodka because his family was driving me to do so, I would hope to God he would do something about it.

I can see wanting to be home for Christmas. I get what he is wanting as someone who spends all day most holidays driving from one get together to the next. Is there any way your family can come to you for Christmas?

Like someone else said, someone is going to be unhappy no matter what. I think the compromise here is you stay home and his parents don't come over no matter how much guilt they lay on. It's going to be hard to say no, but one of you has to do it. Being home on Christmas and not with your family is going to make YOU unhappy, don't salt the wound and let them come over too.

[sandandsea]

Our family all lives far far away (plane rides). We take time off at the end of the year and make the rounds. We spend 3 days with each family and spend a long weekend at home. When we get home we have our family Christmas where we open our presents and “lay around in jammies all day enjoying the gifts”. Could you do your Christmas another time?

For us it’s the easiest time to get off during the year so we take 1.5-2 weeks off and fight the weather and travelers and airports during the worst time but it works for our families.

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 14:44:23 GMT -5 2chatter said:

Holy hell, take back Mothers Day too! Celebrate MIL on a different day. My kids damn well better celebrate with me when they have their own families but IDGAF what day it happens on. I mean, other than a Merry Mothers Day or something....

To be fair, I take real Mother's Day and his mom gets the day before Mother's Day. 

[2chatter]

k3am - apply the same logic to Christmas since MIL obv understands (even if she may not like it) that logic?

[k3am]

Mar 8, 2018 14:33:11 GMT -5 ECB said:

Mar 8, 2018 14:20:46 GMT -5 k3am said:

I thought we had it all nailed down. We host Thanksgiving for his parents. They get Easter. They get FIL and MIL's birthday. They come for both kid's and DH's birthday. We go to them for Father's Day and Mother's Day. 

And now I'm getting more annoyed that he can't/won't just give me Christmas. 

Have you laid all this out for him??

Mar 8, 2018 12:27:06 GMT -5 k3am said:

His parents are not awful people. They love him, they love their grandkids. The issue in the whole equation is me. 

And why the back pedal??  Don't do this.  There is a reason there is an issue here.  They may not be "awful", but they sure as heck aren't "great" either.  Loving him and your kids doesn't excuse them for being rude!!  It honestly bothers me that you're making this out like this is all you.  IT'S NOT!!!!!  

Go to your family for the holidays.  Yes, put your foot down.  What your DH is doing here isn't fair to you.  And the fact that his family sees you all as much as they do and now he wants to give them yet one more holiday???  Come on.  How's that fair?? 


STUCK IN THE BOX: They aren't rude to me in particular. They're rude to just about everyone. They're both retired and they don't socialize with hardly anyone. They're like puppies that don't know how to behave. DH is their baby forever and he grew up with their crazy, so it doesn't bother him as much. He flat out doesn't notice it. His mom once said something really awful about my pregnancy with DS he was IRATE when I talked to him about it afterward. He said if he'd heard it, he would have called her out on her BS right then and there. And I believe him. BUT... he was sitting. Right there. In the room. And this all just went right over his head. He really was completely unaware. (And yes, something that I could and maybe should have made a big stink about in the moment, but pregnancy hormones, being completely off guard by the fact that anyone would say anything like that, not wanting to cause a scene in front of DD, and knowing that nothing that I say makes a difference)

He doesn't want to give them one more holiday, he just wants to claim it as our own. He just doesn't realize that the likely outcome is that he's giving them the holiday.

And there's an awful part of me that knows that... we both have older parents and 2/3 of them aren't in great health and this is just a temporary situation.