Daily Poll - Tuesday

[ct]

feel free to elaborate below.

[mk]

I hate that I can't see/participate in polls on my phone!! What's the question?

From Mandy's phone

[ct]

sorry! the question is: Will your marriage/relationship last?

[kershnic]

I don't think anyone can really say for 100% sure, but I can say confidently that we're both committed to making it last. Both of our sets of parents have been married 35-40 years and I know that model of marriage has made a strong impression on both of us. We're also both fairly laid back people and I feel like we have the conflict resolution skills and ability to tolerate difficult times that will help. But I also know there's a lot of life yet to come, and I would feel a bit arrogant to say divorce could never happen to us.

[ElsaVonM]

I said that we would last. I think we have a very strong marriage. That said, I don't think anyone can predict what will happen in the face of true tragedy (death of a child or something similar). That kind of event has unpredictable fallout.

I have often wondered whether most people who get divorced sort of knew all along that it could happen or if it comes as a surprise to most people.

[Deleted]

As much crap as we go through, I know we are both in it for the long haul.

[hlke]

We are both 100% committed, and knowing that is the rock we come back to during hard times. But like kershnic and ElsaVonM, I think there's no knowing what can really happen in the future, so I can't say I know 100% we'll make it, but we both would always try damn hard.

[mk]

Thanks, CT. I'm on my desk top now I said we'll last. This might be a horrible reason, but: there's no divorce in my family, and I refuse for the gay couple to be the first!!!

[never2amazing]

The only way I am leaving my bunch is feet first...anyway, we are the only four in the world with our unique last name and I ain't giving that up...*smile*

[ct]

Sept 18, 2012 11:24:28 GMT -5 mk said:

there's no divorce in my family, and I refuse for the gay couple to be the first!!!

omg, i love this!

[kershnic]

Sept 18, 2012 11:45:23 GMT -5 ct said:

Sept 18, 2012 11:24:28 GMT -5 mk said:

there's no divorce in my family, and I refuse for the gay couple to be the first!!!

omg, i love this!

Hahaha, I love this too. Damn, now I have to add that to my list of reasons to stay with B because it's true for us too!!

ETA: Oh wait, I just remembered I have an aunt and an uncle who got divorced.... but they're both very different people than our closer families.

[twotrue]

I'm with everyone who says that you can't say with 100% certainty how you/spouse might react to some awful situation (death of child, etc) and none of us know exactly what the future holds. Andplusso I tend to be a realist and if 50% of marriages end in divorce than I know mine could fall in either 50%. I'd rather acknowledge that it can fail so that I always make an effort to work on it, than believe it's unflappable and suddenly be shocked when it falls apart.

[kershnic]

Sept 18, 2012 10:07:13 GMT -5 ElsaVonM said:

I said that we would last. I think we have a very strong marriage. That said, I don't think anyone can predict what will happen in the face of true tragedy (death of a child or something similar). That kind of event has unpredictable fallout.

Yes, I was thinking as I typed before about my parents and my in-laws, that they're fortunate to have never dealt with death of a child, life-threatening illness of a child, financial crisis, degenerative illness of a spouse, infidelity, etc. I think those things can all put a pretty unpredictable stress on a marriage. But I still hope/think we'd get through it (or avoid it, in the case of crises that are avoidable).

[ElsaVonM]

There is actually a calculator online that predicts whether you'll get divorced, based on statistics known about people who have gotten divorced in the past (education level, kids, how long you've already been married, etc.) Completely non-scientific, undoubtedly inaccurate, based on straight people, but still kind of interesting.

We have an 8% chance of getting divorced in the next 5 years. I'll stick with those odds.

www.divorce360.com/content/divorcecalculator.aspx

[twotrue]

Well based on that I have a 5% chance and K has a 4% chance of being divorced in the next five years.

[ct]

I got a 4%.

I voted 'absolutely' and always will, but I think i'm a lot more realistic about things after kids than before. I certainly don't plan to ever divorce, and will fight/have fought fiercly for my marriage, but I understand why and how it happens much more now.

[never2amazing]

If I calculate "actual" wedding date I have a 6 percent chance. If I use move-in date then I have a 4 percent chance. I will stick with move-in date.

[hensmum]

Sept 18, 2012 13:30:07 GMT -5 ct said:

I voted 'absolutely' and always will, but I think i'm a lot more realistic about things after kids than before. I certainly don't plan to ever divorce, and will fight/have fought fiercly for my marriage, but I understand why and how it happens much more now.

Yes. Totally agree that kids (or in my case, kid) are a game changer. We are doing better now, but I definitely understand now how easily it could fall apart. Pre-kid, I though we were invincible!

[thiswillbe]

Sept 18, 2012 13:39:56 GMT -5 hensmum said:

Sept 18, 2012 13:30:07 GMT -5 ct said:

I voted 'absolutely' and always will, but I think i'm a lot more realistic about things after kids than before. I certainly don't plan to ever divorce, and will fight/have fought fiercly for my marriage, but I understand why and how it happens much more now.

Yes. Totally agree that kids (or in my case, kid) are a game changer. We are doing better now, but I definitely understand now how easily it could fall apart. Pre-kid, I though we were invincible!

ITA.

[rikkiandjulie]

I wonder this sometimes, and at times too often. However, when we got married the odds we against us due to age. (19/21) However, we just passed out fourth wedding anniversary and this winter will mark 7 years for us. We've been through a lot, and have lived together since I was 16. I think we still have a lot of growing to do especially bc in my anxious/depressed frenzys I always say "Do you want me to leave" or something to that tune. She always say "That's not an option, and no. Matter what it's you and me forever"

I also read that you 3x more likely to get divorced in the first 5 years than any other time.


Rikki-iPhone

[rikkiandjulie]

So, we have decided to fight to the death for this.


Rikki-iPhone

[thiswillbe]

I wonder how many would have checked a box somewhere in between "absolutely" and "it could go either way."

I said our marriage would absolutely last. I wouldn't have always said that, though. There have been times over the years where I would have checked the "it's sad to say, but I doubt we'll make it long term" box. We've been through some really, really rough times, but thankfully are well on the other side of those now.

I mention that because when we were walking through that hell I really wouldn't have thought it'd be possible to get back to where we are right now. I was fully expecting, at one point, to be a single parent to newborn twins. I am thankful we were able to stop that train, and honestly kinda amazed that it was even possible. So if anyone reading this feels like you're heading towards divorce, just know it's not always the final outcome. /end PSA

[tattooedmeegs]

Sept 18, 2012 13:39:56 GMT -5 hensmum said:

Sept 18, 2012 13:30:07 GMT -5 ct said:

I voted 'absolutely' and always will, but I think i'm a lot more realistic about things after kids than before. I certainly don't plan to ever divorce, and will fight/have fought fiercly for my marriage, but I understand why and how it happens much more now.

Yes. Totally agree that kids (or in my case, kid) are a game changer. We are doing better now, but I definitely understand now how easily it could fall apart. Pre-kid, I though we were invincible!

Yeah, kids change things! I voted 50/50. I don't ever want to be divorced, but there are things we have to work on for sure, or we aren't going to make it.

[rikkiandjulie]

Mines a 19% based on the age I got married. I played around and if I got married at say 23 it drops to 3% :-(


Rikki-iPhone

[kershnic]

It gave me 10% but I don't think you can really say much based on that little information. Obviously I'm sure that having kids will change us, but I still have faith in us.

[joyseattle]

I said either way, but I also think if there were an option between the first two I'd have voted for that. I agree with TT that "I'd rather acknowledge that it can fail so that I always make an effort to work on it." We definitely have been through rough times, and I've doubted whether it would last, but we've always gotten through it and have better skills now than ever.

[lv79]

In almost 9 years together I have only ever worried about our relationship 2x. Once during the first year and once during the third year. Since, we have hit some MAJOR obstacles and have come out on top. While I am not naive enough to know there are no guarantees I am extremely confident that we will one day share a "reef ball" together.

[hlke]

I got married for the first time when I was 24 and got divorced when I was 29 when we'd be married for just under 5 years. If you'd asked me at the beginning of our marriage if we would have stayed together through everything, I would have said "100%, absolutely), but I had NO idea what marriage took or how hard it would be.

The biggest mistake Ex-H and I made was we didn't build our relationship around a vision of a shared future. He wanted kids, I didn't and he thought I would "come around". We both wanted careers but didn't make a plan for both of us to actually do what we needed to do to have careers. I made a lot of sacrifices so he could "follow his dreams" because I thought that's what marriage was about. I tried really hard to save our marriage, and he definitely tried too, but when the rubber met the road and we had to make a choice to save our marriage or not, he made the choice not to. I don't think it was a bad choice, but it hurt me a lot.

So with that experience, I am much more confident that C and I are headed in the right direction, and even though we've only been married for a year we've already had some of those moments where we've realized this isn't always going to be easy and we've always made the choice to fight for our marriage rather than ourselves.

TWB, I think your PSA is really important because it's good to know things can go from bad back to good. My parents separated when I was 8 and I know there were times they didn't think they would make it, but they reconciled and were married 33 years until my dad died. If both people want to make it work, it can be done.

[hensmum]

Okay so I did the calculator thing and got 17%. No surprise since I married young. If I put in C's info, I'm sure it would be lower, be because she's three years older than me and has her masters. So then should we split the difference? Lol

[ssg73]

Sept 18, 2012 13:52:04 GMT -5 thiswillbe said:

I wonder how many would have checked a box somewhere in between "absolutely" and "it could go either way."

I said our marriage would absolutely last. I wouldn't have always said that, though. There have been times over the years where I would have checked the "it's sad to say, but I doubt we'll make it long term" box. We've been through some really, really rough times, but thankfully are well on the other side of those now.

I mention that because when we were walking through that hell I really wouldn't have thought it'd be possible to get back to where we are right now. I was fully expecting, at one point, to be a single parent to newborn twins. I am thankful we were able to stop that train, and honestly kinda amazed that it was even possible. So if anyone reading this feels like you're heading towards divorce, just know it's not always the final outcome. /end PSA

I really needed to hear that today. If you are on the other board you already know what is going on. But to catch you all up. I found out that S has been cheating on me a week ago. Things are up in the air and horrible right now. My normal life has turned into a lifetime movie in a moment. I am trying to be open to rebuilding my relationship but at this point I would say I am 50% 50% of this working for us and that is the generous way of looking at this. The hard work is just beginning regardless of the outcome. I need to hear that we can get back to were we used to be. Even the possibility eases my heart a little. Life sucks sometimes.