Wwwpd?

[mustardseed2007]

Working parents, I am pissed. We’re at ds’ baseball game so I have a while to think before I talk to him.

When dh picked him up, ds was crying BC he was upset. Apparently he says his friend E told ds to show him his butt (I’m guessing as a joke?) and promised he wouldn’t tell a teacher. But ds did it and then the friend told a teacher.

I’m pissed bc this is the 2nd offense. Last time ds showed his penis to a friend “as a joke” and then lied when he got in trouble, sayIng the friend told him to do it. He later admitted to the teacher that was a lie.

I’m livid. I don’t know if I believe ds this time, first of all. And the lying totally infuriated me. And after the last time we talked a lot about keeping yourself covered. It’s not a joke. People don’t want to see that etc etc. which he flat ignores. And also now we have ds’ Parent teacher conference tomorrow and we’re going to have to talk about this there, And I want to talk about other stuff. Like I’m just so mad right now.

My first response was taking away his iPad for the week. Dh thiughtvthat was too much but I don’t think so.

Am I at an 11 when I should be at a 7?

[waverly]

I would be at an 11 too. And I think taking the iPad away for a week is fine.

[akafred]

How old is he?

[mustardseed2007]

He's 6. The first time I didn't even punish him really. I just talked to him. This time I'm so so mad.

ETA: I mentioned 3 days and DH still thinks that's too long. Which. Dude. Honestly he watches it too much anyway. 

[sandandsea]

3 days no iPad seems appropriate. Little boys don’t get it.

[sunbutter]

I agree with taking away the iPad. I would also talk to people at school that you trust. I think every class has a kid that goes through this stage. Maybe a teacher could offer some suggestions.

[CrazyLucky]

Screen time is my DS's most valued commodity, so I think your no iPad punishment is right on. Another thing that seems to get my kid is making him apologize. He hates that. Last week, he was nasty to his after school teacher, and so he had to apologize the next day. It seems to help. Maybe have your son apologize to the teacher for breaking the rules? What is your DH's solution?

[rere]

I think a week is good. Ds got in trouble at school for lying at that age, we took the Wii for a week. It seemed to really sink in to him and he loved playing it. It felt like we inherited some kind of power once we figured out that worked.

[HeartofCheese]

I've never had a 6yo although I have a 5yo who seems to be going through a show-my-penis-and-butt phase right now - but he's not in school yet (unless preK 4 counts which it doesn't). I get borderline frantic trying to discipline him for it b/c I go straight to 30yo sex offender in my mind. Where your DS is in school, I would definitely be more serious about it by taking away something, but I'd also make him read a book or watch a video or write 1000x "My penis's name is Nobody. Nobody's last name is Business. My penis is Nobody's Business." Then I'd teach him a song, "My penis has a first name. It's N-O-B-O-D. My penis has a second name. It's B-U-S-I-N. Oops I missed some letters. I think one was a Y. But Y is not what's important, it's N-O-N-O-N-O-N."

If not those measures, then something else. But in addition to taking something away, I'd also fill his time up with something else.

[mustardseed2007]

I’m not sure yet what do wants to do yet...I’m rocking dd to sleep and we haven’t talked yet.

Although I think this time he’s not lying about his friend asking him to do it and then telling on him.. When I mentioned taking the iPad away he was furious with his friend e. The keeping his pants on thing is a side note in his mind. As is the integrity aspect of it - you don’t break the rules just bc a friend asks you to.

[mustardseed2007]

akafred, I’m also worried about how the school will take it. Last time we got a note home and I talked to the teacher about it. The worst part was the lying that time. But the aspect of “people do not want to see your private parts” was part of the discussion. And doing good things to get positive attention rather than doing negative things for negative attention. So he knows full well he broke a rule. Which I guess is why when his friend turned him in he ran and hid and was crying. Dh showed up for pick up right when that happened so maybe that’s why he’s not as mad as me.

But it bothers me that he is letting himself get talked into stuff he knows isn’t right....again for attentiin

[mustardseed2007]

Sorry for the typos. I’m mobile and dong this with one hand.

[akafred]

I have been through this a lot unfortunately. My first thought is I wonder if the first and second incidents are connected in his mind. They are 2 different parts and he might not actually get it. So I would work on connecting it. I would work on discussing what private parts are and why they are private. Which basically means anything covered by a bathing suit, and some introductions to more info about sex and pornography. Age appropriate, obviously. For DD, that seems to have explained to her the why, where before she knew it was a rule but didn't get the reason behind it. Same with "tricky people." She didn't get it. Now she is starting to.

As for punishment, I think a week is fine. It's serious, he knew he was breaking a rule, it's a second offense. But for your own sanity, this is still 100% within the realm of typical behavior. Don't freak out and assume he has been abused or will become an abuser or anything like that.

[librarychica]

I think a week of no screen time is totally reasonable. I would be pretty livid too.

We were on the other side of this in school — DD was the complicit or at least semi-complicit friend. We spent a lot of time talking about those parts being private and not for playing or sharing or encouraging other to share. It took a lot of repeating. Finally I had to explain the basics of sex (for a whole different reason) but something clicked after that explanation and she is much more modest now.

Where is this happening? I banned a piece of playground equipment because that’s where the kids were going for show-and-tell. Thankfully the phase seems to have passed. It will pass for him too.

[sdlaura]

I feel like this is pretty normal behavior for the age. I would definitely talk about it not being ok, and have a set punishment for if it happens again, but I don’t know that I’d be at an 11 over it.

[mustardseed2007]

We’re back at 5, he relented. I wanted to take away books and bagels (book fair event this week) at school. H said absolutely not and he then agreed to the 5.

I think DS knows it’s not ok. That’s why he’s so mad at E and why he went and hid when E went up to the teacher.

He did it at the “garage” which is a shed where they keep the trikes. But he said it was on the porch, which is totally in the open, the teacher’s back was turned.

Honestly...I have seen dh moon his brother. I think dh sees it as wrong but kind of...harmless. But a few things: For some reason this kind of humor pisses me off, I find it so crass and stupid. That probably adds to my angst. And then also privates need to be private. That adds to my concern. And I keep thinking of him at 15:,
A) still showing his butt thinking it’s funnyvwhen it’s not. And
B) doing something he knows Is wrong just bc his friend told him to. And getting himself into serious trouble as a result.

[honeydew1894]

I am with ya...my DS thinks it is hilarious, but luckily he only did it at pre-school (last year) and at home now. He calls it "the grand finale!" We just continue to have the private parts are private talk. It is a work in progress, but I know how mortifying/anger-inducing it can be. I think 5 days is fair; he needs to get the message.

[akafred]

mustardseed2007,

I get your fear. Believe me, I do. But your B above is just fear talking, not reality. Just as you would tell a mom whose 3 year old isn't potty trained that he will not go to college in diapers, I'm sure you know that his behavior right now is not indicative of a life of crime as a teenager. If anything, probably less so, because kids learn by making mistakes and dealing with the consequences. And I don't even mean the week off from the iPad. He's learning that friends may say they won't rat you out, but you can't always believe that. He is learning that peer pressure can get him in trouble. He is learning that he should do what he knows is right even if someone he likes is telling him to do something else. And he is learning that some "crimes" are quite serious and why this is one of those. Better to learn those lessons now vs 10 years from now.

[oldbaylover1024]

I can appreciate your anger and fear, I do. I think being at an '11' when you fully understand the consequences is okay; however, your son is not at an age where I think he can fully appreciate the potential gravity of the situation - and when I say 'gravity' I mean his privates being on display. He's a kid and, frankly, butts are funny to kids. I don't know how many times a day I hear about butts from my almost-5YO DD. My nephews are older and STILL talk about butts all the time.

Anyway, with this being a second incident at school, I'm curious how the teacher will approach it. As a parent, I'd go into that teacher conference ready to discuss it openly and honestly. What does the teacher suggest? Does s/he have any ideas about how to tackle this? What about the other kid asking to see DS's butt? Is DS going to be there during the conference?

Regarding punishment, I think a week without the iPad is fine. Fill his time with other activities around the house, chores he can handle, etc. And have the "privates are private for a reason" conversation again. But this seems like a totally age-appropriate incident.

Honestly, I'd be at an 8 because it's a second incident.

[2chatter]

We punished DS for the same. We also changed the way things work at home. Private parts are only exposed at all in private - Bathroom doors are closed. Pee alone. Get dressed alone. No getting dressed in the living room. It really drove the point home. We’ve relaxed a bit now but would ramp back up if DS had another incident.

DS is very modest. He won’t swim without a rashie. It was absolutely a peer pressure situation with him. He’s very very social. To combat that, we talked about it every night. Our constant refrain for his whole life has been “who is responsible for DS’ choices?”. I’d address that E isn’t at fault and why that’s true. I asked the teacher for other more minor incidents that she would never have escalated - as learning discussions to have with DS at home. I think that made the difference. A good example is one day another student told DS to scribble on his paper. And he did. Very minor right? Not so much in the context of learning to make our own choices - good choices - in the face of your peers asking you to do something funny.

[mustardseed2007]

I had a whirlwind day at work today and just finished parent teacher conferences. Both the school administrator and the teachers talked to us about it but no one seemed to take it all that seriously.

They seemed to credit a lot to e. And called it a learning experience for ds. While they appreciated the 5 days, they weren’t overly concerned with what he did specifically. So I guess there’s that.

And at the parent teacher conference they were more concerned with telling us again that he should repeat kinder bc he’s not mature. Not related to this incident, just in general. So. It’s been a fun day : /

[akafred]

mustardseed2007, how do you feel about that? ((Hugs))

[honeydew1894]

May 1, 2018 17:25:17 GMT -5 mustardseed2007 said:

And at the parent teacher conference they were more concerned with telling us again that he should repeat kinder bc he’s not mature. Not related to this incident, just in general. So. It’s been a fun day : /

How are you feeling about that?

[waverly]

Is he at the old school or the new school now? I thought there was some problems at the old school so I wasn’t sure if the repeat K was part of the problems with the school year or like they told you a maturity issue. Retention is generally not considered to be best practice with pretty much the only exception being Kindergarten.

[mustardseed2007]

This is the old school. He’s starting the new school in the fall. His current teacher’s comment is, it gives him time to mature, he’s transitioning any way, it’s new whether first or kinder so it’s the perfect time.

His new school did not suggest holding him back. But then again the only eval they do at his age is observing him in a class visit. There’s not a formal benchmarking. Actually, all they looked at really was his ability to fit in.

On the one hand, it’s probably doable. On the other hand, he’s already done his classroom visit and he’s excited that he knows a girl who’s going to be in his class bc they are in karate together. Plus their comment that they always say about his maturity being evidenced by the fact that his friends are all younger than him is possibly bs. His class has only 3 kindergarteners right now. He’s the only male. E is in kinder in a different class and is his 2nd best friend. His best friend is one year younger than him.

Im rambling but...I could make strong arguments both ways really.

[waverly]

Maybe I am not remembering right, but based on what I think you posted I would be going with the recommendation of the new school over the old. If you have any concerns then I would talk to the new school about them and see what they think.

[mustardseed2007]

May 1, 2018 21:34:17 GMT -5 waverly said:

Maybe I am not remembering right, but based on what I think you posted I would be going with the recommendation of the new school over the old. If you have any concerns then I would talk to the new school about them and see what they think.

I think that’s what I’m going to do. We’re also taking him back to be retested, but not until June. Previously the psychologist who saw him recommended against it BC of his age (he’s a December birthday). So I’ll probably call her. Waiting until June to decide may not work with the new school depending on if they want him to revisit with the other class if we do go the repeat route. But I’ll find out today. Meh. I don’t like revisiting this. It leads to too much back and forth on my part.

[akafred]

Is he new school Montessori? Personally I disagree with the conventional logic of not retaining except kindergarten with Montessori because grades don't really matter much there. They would treat it as a "bonus year" in the class he's already in. So for example if he is going to lower elementary for the next year, he could do a total of 4 years in lower el without it being damaging to him. Since the classes are multi-age anyway, by that point he'll be used to some kids moving up and some kids staying put, and he'll have friends who are a year younger in the class. If you were considering a "bonus year" in primary in his current school, that would be a reasonable option because he has younger kids he already knows. But putting him back in K in another school doesn't work as well IMO because he will be in an awkward place. He *should* be a leader because he is that age, but instead he's the new kid starting the cycle at the top. If it were me, personally, I would start him in first in the new school and consider that he may need a "bonus year" down the road. That is where we are with DD. Her class goes 1-6 grades (mixed lower and upper elementary), and depending on where we send her for middle school, she may do a bonus year somewhere. We may have her attend current through sixth and then start middle in sixth grade. Or we may have her attend through sixth and then repeat sixth at her current school to start elsewhere on seventh. That will depend on where she goes and academic readiness.

[xctsclrx]

If he is already one of the oldest and going to a traditional school next year I don't think that holding him back is a good idea. Keeping him with younger kids is not going to help him mature. It might make it worse because he is so much older than the rest.

I mean get him tested in June, but I would plan for a first grade. I think it would be easier to switch back to K, than to slot him for K and then try to get him into 1st. My personal opinion.

[mustardseed2007]

We're moving him to a traditional school that uses a reggio method (long term projects, an outdoor classroom aspect).

Although giving him extra time is tempting, I think I'm overall leaning towards no (this morning) because...the recommendation is based on maturity and not academics (he is behind but is consistently catching up. He's "half a shelf behind" in language. Which is a hilarious and not too informative way to put it but for montessori folks that does mean something). He's behind in math but it's because he has problems finishing long pieces of work and overall consistently has problems finishing his work plan. Which is why we're moving him to a different school environment. But his quality of work is good. His science is outstanding.

It has not always been the case that his age group was super small, but it's startling how small the age group is this year. And he's matured a lot in the last year. He gets along well in his school environment. In the neighborhood environment he does fine too, although it always starts awkwardly because we don't hang out with neighborhood kids as much as I'd like.

And then there's his size. Based on everything I've read, it's common for very short statured kids to behave in an immature way, to act like the goof, etc. People treat him like he's younger because he looks like he's 4. But that's not going to change. His estimated height right now if we do no intervention is 5'2'' give or take 3 inches in either direction. I very firmly believe his teachers don't treat him as younger than he is, but almost everyone else in his life does.

It's complicated.