It's your sister so it's harder, but I've had friends like this, and sadly I realized that their attitude about parenting isn't the same as mine, and.... well, one isn't in my life anymore (largely due to the rude comments she made), and another - we're still friends, but I keep my distance from her.
Apparently once you "feel the baby kick for the first time, you will understand, and feel more connected to your baby".
and
"Once you hold your baby for the first time, you won't be able to imagine letting go".
Yes, we have helped her out, and no, she has no retirement and is very unstable financially. Someone has always reached their hand out to her family. She has no clue.
Mean people suck. And saying those things is mean.
The week my son started daycare, a FB acquaintance sent me a huuuugely long private message about how daycare ruined her life. How she thought this woman cared about her and then she found out her parents paid for her to be there and blah blah blah... it was ridiculous. And it was cruel for her to send that to me. Fortunately, I could tell her that she was a heinous bitch and cut her out of my life. So much more complicated with a sister...
Mean people suck. And saying those things is mean.
The week my son started daycare, a FB acquaintance sent me a huuuugely long private message about how daycare ruined her life. How she thought this woman cared about her and then she found out her parents paid for her to be there and blah blah blah... it was ridiculous. And it was cruel for her to send that to me. Fortunately, I could tell her that she was a heinous bitch and cut her out of my life. So much more complicated with a sister...
She needs to read that blog post about relationship vs job. The jobs are laundry, diaper changing, cleaning. Anyone can do those. The relationship is not about time.
Mean people suck. And saying those things is mean.
The week my son started daycare, a FB acquaintance sent me a huuuugely long private message about how daycare ruined her life. How she thought this woman cared about her and then she found out her parents paid for her to be there and blah blah blah... it was ridiculous. And it was cruel for her to send that to me. Fortunately, I could tell her that she was a heinous bitch and cut her out of my life. So much more complicated with a sister...
WTF? She sounds BSC.
Yup. By the time you're 30, own your shit and stop blaming preschool.
I actually got TWO of these messages. From completely separate people that had previously seemed sane and reasonably well balanced. They made me cry.
The week my son started daycare, a FB acquaintance sent me a huuuugely long private message about how daycare ruined her life. How she thought this woman cared about her and then she found out her parents paid for her to be there and blah blah blah...
I'm sorry she hurt your feelings, but this is really hilarious. What a nutjob.
Dude. So her husband isn't raising the kids since he works?
Right?!?
My SIL hasn't made a comment to me since she had kids. Or at least not one I remember. But she did say to me shortly after she married my brother (she was working at the time but planning on being a SAHM) that "you [referring to me] want to have a career, but my family will be my priority." That was over 6 years ago and it still burns me up to this day. Because working moms don't priortize their families??
Apparently once you "feel the baby kick for the first time, you will understand, and feel more connected to your baby".
and
"Once you hold your baby for the first time, you won't be able to imagine letting go".
Yes, we have helped her out, and no, she has no retirement and is very unstable financially. Someone has always reached their hand out to her family. She has no clue.
My guess is that you returning to work might be making her feel uncomfortable. Deep down, she might know that she should do the same thing, so she feels she has to justify her choices to you (which she doesn't).
I was a little hurt by some of the comments a few coworkers made to another coworker when she announced she was quitting to SAH. They gushed over how she was doing the right thing for her children, how they did the same when their kids were small, how you can never get this time back and you'll regret spending it working instead of being with them. I was sort of slowly backing out of the room during this time. I realize they may have just been trying to make her feel good about her decision, but I couldn't help but feel a little judged.
Post by sewpinkgal on Sept 19, 2012 12:17:39 GMT -5
OP: I'm sorry your sister is being such an ass and making you feel bad. Like Dr L said, the vast majority of SAHMs do not feel this way. I'd say that most of us know that kids know who mom and dad are and that they're both the parents- whether they're at home with them full time or working.
ETA: I'm sure this is a flameful opinion, but what I remind myself with these people is that in 10-15 years there kids are going to be either snarky teenagers who don't appreciate them in the least bit and/or over 18 and out of the house. And when they can't afford to pay for college or have to go back to work after being out of the workforce 20+ years because they have no retirement savings or have to live off the backs of their relatives to even make it through the SAH period, I can say to myself "I chose to plan realistically for my kid's future". Not that I would say this, I would just think it. I know for myself that trying not to work right now would be nothing but a completely selfish decision on my part (because my DH's earning capacity is so much less than mine but he is at least as capable as I am at watchin gour son).
And I'm sorry, but this is just as inflammatory the initial comment. The mudslinging on both sides of this issue pisses me off to no end. As a SAHM, I find this type of thinking just as offensive as a SAHM telling a working mom that she isn't raising her kids.
I usually respond with the comment, "If daycare was raising my child, they're more than welcome to come for the 2am screamfests, his colicky evenings, and contribute to his college savings."
I'm a far better mother because I work. I was counting down the minutes until my maternity leave was over... I'm not the SAH type. After work, even though I'm tired, I'm far more patient with my son. I enjoy spending time with him and don't take it for granted because I know that my time with him each day is short. (I'm not saying SAH parents do take the time together for granted, either).
OP: I'm sorry your sister is being such an ass and making you feel bad. Like Dr L said, the vast majority of SAHMs do not feel this way. I'd say that most of us know that kids know who mom and dad are and that they're both the parents- whether they're at home with them full time or working.
ETA: I'm sure this is a flameful opinion, but what I remind myself with these people is that in 10-15 years there kids are going to be either snarky teenagers who don't appreciate them in the least bit and/or over 18 and out of the house. And when they can't afford to pay for college or have to go back to work after being out of the workforce 20+ years because they have no retirement savings or have to live off the backs of their relatives to even make it through the SAH period, I can say to myself "I chose to plan realistically for my kid's future". Not that I would say this, I would just think it. I know for myself that trying not to work right now would be nothing but a completely selfish decision on my part (because my DH's earning capacity is so much less than mine but he is at least as capable as I am at watchin gour son).
And I'm sorry, but this is just as inflammatory the initial comment. The mudslinging on both sides of this issue pisses me off to no end. As a SAHM, I find this type of thinking just as offensive as a SAHM telling a working mom that she isn't raising her kids.
I know it is. That is why I said it is a flameful opinion and that I wouldn't actually say this outload to anyone. But thinking it is probably the only thing that keeps me from screaming when someone tells me "they're only little once, you can never get back this time" but then I guarantee you this will be the same person who will tell me in 10-15 years that she's so upset that she can't help any of her kids out with college or will tell me 10-15 years from now that she is so depressed she has to go back to work and start over a career after being gone for so long. Just as people basically tell me its my own fault if I miss my kid due to working long hours, I'm sorry but its not my fault if someone else didn't chose to make financially responsible decisions.
I usually respond with the comment, "If daycare was raising my child, they're more than welcome to come for the 2am screamfests, his colicky evenings, and contribute to his college savings."
I'm a far better mother because I work. I was counting down the minutes until my maternity leave was over... I'm not the SAH type. After work, even though I'm tired, I'm far more patient with my son. I enjoy spending time with him and don't take it for granted because I know that my time with him each day is short. (I'm not saying SAH parents do take the time together for granted, either).
I agree with this - I find myself MUCH more patient with DS on a friday night then on a sunday night, and that is only 48 hours of disciplining him. I also find myself really appreciating the time we have when I haven't seen him a lot. When I do have long chunks of time with him, I find myself compelled to take care of and get ahead on other things (house projects, errands, cleaning, laundry etc) and I just know if I stayed at home all day these things would occupy a bunch of my time anyways. Sometimes I feel like there is a better quality of time for 2 hours on a weeknight then I get on a really busy running-around-all-day Saturday.
OP: I'm sorry your sister is being such an ass and making you feel bad. Like Dr L said, the vast majority of SAHMs do not feel this way. I'd say that most of us know that kids know who mom and dad are and that they're both the parents- whether they're at home with them full time or working.
And I'm sorry, but this is just as inflammatory the initial comment. The mudslinging on both sides of this issue pisses me off to no end. As a SAHM, I find this type of thinking just as offensive as a SAHM telling a working mom that she isn't raising her kids.
I know it is. That is why I said it is a flameful opinion and that I wouldn't actually say this outload to anyone. But thinking it is probably the only thing that keeps me from screaming when someone tells me "they're only little once, you can never get back this time" but then I guarantee you this will be the same person who will tell me in 10-15 years that she's so upset that she can't help any of her kids out with college or will tell me 10-15 years from now that she is so depressed she has to go back to work and start over a career after being gone for so long. Just as people basically tell me its my own fault if I miss my kid due to working long hours, I'm sorry but its not my fault if someone else didn't chose to make financially responsible decisions.
OP: I'm sorry your sister is being such an ass and making you feel bad. Like Dr L said, the vast majority of SAHMs do not feel this way. I'd say that most of us know that kids know who mom and dad are and that they're both the parents- whether they're at home with them full time or working.
And I'm sorry, but this is just as inflammatory the initial comment. The mudslinging on both sides of this issue pisses me off to no end. As a SAHM, I find this type of thinking just as offensive as a SAHM telling a working mom that she isn't raising her kids.
I know it is. That is why I said it is a flameful opinion and that I wouldn't actually say this outload to anyone. But thinking it is probably the only thing that keeps me from screaming when someone tells me "they're only little once, you can never get back this time" but then I guarantee you this will be the same person who will tell me in 10-15 years that she's so upset that she can't help any of her kids out with college or will tell me 10-15 years from now that she is so depressed she has to go back to work and start over a career after being gone for so long. Just as people basically tell me its my own fault if I miss my kid due to working long hours, I'm sorry but its not my fault if someone else didn't chose to make financially responsible decisions.
Lol, but you just "said" it to us. There might be someone on here who is making financial sacrifices to stay home who would be hurt by this.
OP: I'm sorry your sister is being such an ass and making you feel bad. Like Dr L said, the vast majority of SAHMs do not feel this way. I'd say that most of us know that kids know who mom and dad are and that they're both the parents- whether they're at home with them full time or working.
And I'm sorry, but this is just as inflammatory the initial comment. The mudslinging on both sides of this issue pisses me off to no end. As a SAHM, I find this type of thinking just as offensive as a SAHM telling a working mom that she isn't raising her kids.
I know it is. That is why I said it is a flameful opinion and that I wouldn't actually say this outload to anyone. But thinking it is probably the only thing that keeps me from screaming when someone tells me "they're only little once, you can never get back this time" but then I guarantee you this will be the same person who will tell me in 10-15 years that she's so upset that she can't help any of her kids out with college or will tell me 10-15 years from now that she is so depressed she has to go back to work and start over a career after being gone for so long. Just as people basically tell me its my own fault if I miss my kid due to working long hours, I'm sorry but its not my fault if someone else didn't chose to make financially responsible decisions.
You do realize that there are plenty of families with a SAH parent who make financially responsible decisions and will be able to retire and send their children to college. And those families are not necessarily rich but instead make choices that allow them to provide for their families, plan for the future, and SAH.
I know it is. That is why I said it is a flameful opinion and that I wouldn't actually say this outload to anyone. But thinking it is probably the only thing that keeps me from screaming when someone tells me "they're only little once, you can never get back this time" but then I guarantee you this will be the same person who will tell me in 10-15 years that she's so upset that she can't help any of her kids out with college or will tell me 10-15 years from now that she is so depressed she has to go back to work and start over a career after being gone for so long. Just as people basically tell me its my own fault if I miss my kid due to working long hours, I'm sorry but its not my fault if someone else didn't chose to make financially responsible decisions.
You're just digging a bigger hole. Stop now.
Seriously. WTF.
My flameful is that I have a friend who was gushing about how much harder it was to SAH than work. I told her it was way easier... Lol. She gave me a really dirty look. I was just annoyed. I am a SAHM but have done both. Why do we need to compare?
My flameful is that I have a friend who was gushing about how much harder it was to SAH than work. I told her it was way easier... Lol. She gave me a really dirty look. I was just annoyed. I am a SAHM but have done both. Why do we need to compare?
SAH is DIFFERENT than working. And everyone does different things for work.
For some, SAH is harder. For others, their job is harder. Some kids are harder than others, and others have different tolerance for different behaviors.
Why people compare the two is beyond me. Do I go around saying how much harder my job is to my friend who is a CPA? How can we even make a comparison? We have different skill sets. Why do people think its acceptable to do that in the SAH/WM debate?
Post by hopeful2012 on Sept 19, 2012 13:35:24 GMT -5
Wow. Ok, guess I didn't realize I couldn't even say "flameful" things on here. I wasn't talking about SAHMs generally, I was talking about the real life ones I actually know and who I actually have first-hand knowledge about their lack of planning. It just seems that it is socially acceptable for people to tell working moms that they are going to regret not staying home but never acceptable to tell SAHMs that they might regret staying at home some day. I know plently of people who have regreted it. It doesn't mean that under different circumstances I wouldn't consider SAH or that I don't respect those who do SAH, its just the truth. That's great to say lets never have this discussion and lets all never ever bring up anything hurtful to the other side, but at least in my "real life" only one side gets affirmed (and it's not my side). I'll save anything else I have that is flameful for a special "flameful post" day and be done with it.
Wow. Ok, guess I didn't realize I couldn't even say "flameful" things on here. I wasn't talking about SAHMs generally, I was talking about the real life ones I actually know and who I actually have first-hand knowledge about their lack of planning. It just seems that it is socially acceptable for people to tell working moms that they are going to regret not staying home but never acceptable to tell SAHMs that they might regret staying at home some day. I know plently of people who have regreted it. It doesn't mean that under different circumstances I wouldn't consider SAH or that I don't respect those who do SAH, its just the truth. That's great to say lets never have this discussion and lets all never ever bring up anything hurtful to the other side, but at least in my "real life" only one side gets affirmed (and it's not my side). I'll save anything else I have that is flameful for a special "flameful post" day and be done with it.
Yes, you made a generalization. You made a blanket statement that "SAHMs are the people who will look back in 10-15 years blah blah blah". There are plenty of SAHPs who looked at their financial situation and found it in their best interest for a parent to stay home. Whether it was because their salary wouldn't cover daycare, or they were in the financial position that they could stay home AND raise well-adjusted kids AND pay for college (if they chose to). Just like there are working parents who HAVE to work and still can't afford college because they have low-wage jobs.
And there is plenty of SAHM bashing to go around. I can refer you to the "what do SAHMs do all day" thread if you want to see the other side.
Yes, please stick to the flameful confessions threads. I don't read them anyway.
Wow. Ok, guess I didn't realize I couldn't even say "flameful" things on here. I wasn't talking about SAHMs generally, I was talking about the real life ones I actually know and who I actually have first-hand knowledge about their lack of planning. It just seems that it is socially acceptable for people to tell working moms that they are going to regret not staying home but never acceptable to tell SAHMs that they might regret staying at home some day. I know plently of people who have regreted it. It doesn't mean that under different circumstances I wouldn't consider SAH or that I don't respect those who do SAH, its just the truth. That's great to say lets never have this discussion and lets all never ever bring up anything hurtful to the other side, but at least in my "real life" only one side gets affirmed (and it's not my side). I'll save anything else I have that is flameful for a special "flameful post" day and be done with it.
The whole point of this thread is that it is NOT socially acceptable to make rude comments to either group. Quit playing the victim- you knew your comments were "flameful" and chose to say it anyway. Why are you surprised that people were offended?
Post by hopeful2012 on Sept 19, 2012 13:51:11 GMT -5
Totally not surprised people were offended. I guess I thought I could actually have a real discourse here instead of with offending family members/friends in real life who judge me for working. The same family members who tell other family members who have had miscarriages that they had miscarriages because they used to be on BCP. Yeah, really nice judgmental people, I know. But with people like that you can't even have a rational response. I thought I could at least get some type of rational response here (flameful as my comment was) that, yes, some SAHPs who get on their high horse and tell peopel "they chose to raise their kids" might realize one day that their decision isn't the only right decision for their kids or their family.