I feel bad because for the most part, it's family friends and a lot of them have siblings who are old enough to understand they're missing a party, but not old enough for a drop off. I'm not signing up for changing diapers that don't belong on my own kid.
There is always that special snowflake but most people unless they are BFFs with you won’t drop off their child in diapers. They will either only drop off the oldest or stay for the party. When we hand out invites to the class it is understood it is only that kid unless the parent asks if they can bring a sibling. I’ve had people ask right when they show up if sibling and them can stay. But we were at a gym so number of people didn’t matter in terms of size. We would have had to pay for the other kid but other people didn’t show up so it evened out.
The sibling relationship is going to be ruined if DD1 makes like miserable for DD2 all the time. DD2 is going to resent her sister and eventually the parents. DD1 going to treat her sister like crap and hog all of the attention because she can and it works.
You are looking at a miserable trip if she can't behave herself at home. She will make the trip miserable for everyone.
A really big thing doesn't mean anything to a kid like that. She has no concept of it.
I would tell her that you and DH were planning a Disney trip but because she makes life miserable with her attitude and behavior at home you have no desire to take her somewhere else to make life miserable.
Disney is not too big of a trip. You need to make a stand and stop trying to make her happy. She throws fits to get attention and it works. She does it just for you guys because it works for you. She thinks life isn't fair guess what it isn't. When you act like a spoiled brat people don't want to spend time with you.
You have also threatened the really big thing and didn't work. Now you need to follow through or you are telling her that there are no consequences for her actions.
I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh, but it is 100% what I would do.
k3am - we hosted 22 kindergartners with siblings and parents (not all stayed) - I am still twitchy, but we moved the pirate obstacle course inside and it was actually pretty hilarious. I would roll with it - recruit some folks for “crowd control” and assign people tasks - the biggest challenge for me was being the gracious Southern hostess when I needed to MOVE, NOW to keep the party on pace (stop talking to me, people). I should have delegated more - had someone else prep the cake (thaw ice cream, etc) and be ready to serve, have someone else run the scavenger hunt, have someone else tie pirate bandanas from the start.
mae0111, As much as it sucks, I think you probably do need to just take the trip away, especially if your DH is that concerned about her behavior. If you can be honest and explain what you took away and why, this could be a good goal for her to work on throughout the year. I'd figure out how you can break down the big goal of the family trip to Disney into smaller, more manageable goals that you can track for her over the course of the year. Even if it's like a behavior jar with pom poms or something. If it's a visual reminder of her ability to go on a big family vacation throughout the entire year, that might help keep her in check.
I'd be worried about her behavior in the park too, if she won't even listen at home at all. Disney is prime meltdown zone with all the over-stimulation, lines, and options.
Also, mae0111 does your school have a behavior therapist? I know some of our public schools have them here. Maybe a resource like that would help give you all the skills you need to manage through this?
I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how hard it must be.
I have seen way more progress with DD using positive behavior training than with taking things away. DD can sit in her room with no electronics, books, toys etc for hours and doesn’t care. But tell her she’s doing something well and challenge her to do more of it? Amazing results. Yesterday morning I told her I really didn’t feel well and I needed her to be the leader because Oldest is also unwell. I told her I was impressed with the way she had been helping out. I planned to be pretty checked out. Middle assigned tasks to clean the kitchen and didn’t flip when DS objected. She discussed it with him calmly. I 100% believe this to be the whole praise and leader set up. Without she would have kicked him and gone to her room crying.
Also, over time it’s become clear that punishment impacts how DD thought we viewed her (as bad) and how she viewed herself (the worst child, not loved or loveable) and how her siblings viewed her (the problem, the child that ruins things). That has all faded with positive implementation.
Have you tried having a talk when she isn’t near a tantrum to discuss how being calm feels? Have her use her own words. Discuss what it takes to stay calm. Ask her what she can do to help and what reminders would be useful. When DD starts to spin out now I can quietly say with lots of eye contact “hey, look at me. Take a deep breath. You had a sleepover with no drama, we had a great breakfast and you made perfect pancakes and did a great job cleaning up. Take another deep breath. I know you don’t want a sandwich for lunch but you have your game to look forward to and we have to run this one errand - focus on the bigger picture here - is this a good day? What’s ten minutes? Take a deep breath - feel better?”
It’s rare I get there these days - now I mostly say “deep breath, it’s been a great day”.
2chatter, your party sounds waaaaay more intense than ours. All I have planned so far is face painting and limbo. I should probably add a couple other items to keep the rucus to a minimum.
mae0111, if you do take the trip away, I would cancel for the whole family, rather than still letting DD2 go. I grew up with a sister 2.5 years younger, and I think I’d still be talking about something like that regularly on a therapist’s couch if my little sister got to go on a week long Disney trip without me.
k3am, I’m flying to your area now for a noon meeting. I wasn’t excited to see a flash flood warning starting around the time I’m supposed to fly home later this afternoon. I hope it clears up in time for the birthday party!
sdlaura, FX that it doesn't flood by the airport. It's much closer to the marshlands. But I haven't heard people complaining about flight delays caused by the all the rain we've had the last few weeks.
At this point, there not a lot left to take away. She lost iPad, TV, reading with DH (which I HATED to do). I haven’t taken away sports because she made a commitment to the team, but since I’m not coaching next season, I will take that away all the time. We have also threatened pulling her from her school.
At this point, we are starting to have concerns about her behavior at the parks. If she melts down when it’s time to leave, she’s too heavy to drag out. And it’s a legitimate concern.
DHs mind is made up. He doesn’t want to take her. I need to convince him otherwise. This is too big.
(forgive me, I'm new here). Have you had her evaluated by a professional?
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
mae0111, I think we've talked before about how my DD1 challenges me on the daily as well. Her doctor recommended 123 Magic and positive reinforcements/rewards for children like her. Also, to switch up the reward system to keep her interested. I can't recommend 123 Magic enough. We consistently follow through (try not to react/talk) and it's to the point where I can put my hand in the air for one from the basketball stands and she will nod and change her behavior. She knows I will pull her from the game and take her home if I get to three.
She had a bad morning recently and I asked her what else we could do to stop it from happening? I'm all about teaching her skills to problem solve and coping mechanisms when she starts melting down. Her response was to have a "treat", like maybe she could watch a special movie on the weekend if she did everything right to get ready each morning? Then the next week, maybe a slushie? I was blown away because it was exactly what her Ped recommended and was a great reminder for me. She didn't get to go to the movies with DH last weekend because she lost it.
I agree with the others that taking away Disney doesn't make sense as a consequence because she doesn't know anything about it. DD1 wouldn't connect "a really big thing" to behavior either. All the hugs to you. It's so hard.
mellym - this is TOO funny. DD was mad at a girl at training and was winding up and from across the field where I was shagging punts I held up a 1 and she nodded, focused and totally flipped her attitude. It really really is magic.
I do worry that no one will be saying or signing 1 when she goes to college and it’s going to result in lots of drunk crying.
mellym - we have tried similar things in the past, but what happens very quickly is that if there is no incentive, the behavior is awful. So we are rewarding her to behave like a regular human and not be awful.
A recent example - my mom told her that if she did a good job for a week, she would take her out for a special day together - hair, nails, shopping, lunch. She was *ok* leading up to it. Not amazing - but ok. She literally walked in the door from her time with my mom and her old attitude returned. Within 15 mins, she was screaming at everyone because we didn’t drop whatever project we were working on and play monopoly. Whatever attention she gets, it’s never enough. If we did drop everything and played monopoly, she would have demanded scrabble next, and meltdown would ensue.
I really appreciate all of the advice. DH and I decided not to take away the trip, but we are on the same page that she will miss out on stuff if she can’t keep herself under control.
Day 2 of snow day. ODOT did great plowing the highways and I-5 but the other roads that are city roads are a mess. I almost got stuck with 4 wheel drive getting out of my street. Driving the highway to work was no problem but then into city streets and it was a mess. Couldn't get into my building because cars were stuck at the alley entrance. They are saying 6-8 inches tonight and a low of 29 so even if we don't get snow everything that is melting is going to freeze.
DD has been working on her online math program and she grumbles at the computer louder than I do. The answer is 91 no I don't want to jump 10 or another 3 just let me put the answer in.