I'm having a rough week, as I'm sure a lot of us are. First I need to vent, and then I need to know from those who are doing the same thing... how are you handling the burnout of trying to juggle childcare + working? Because I am dying.
At work, I've had a week that would've been stressful even if things were normal. I spent Mon-Tues prepping to pitch to a prospective client. I'm really good at what I do, but pitching is not my comfort zone so it's super stressful for me. Tuesday I delivered the pitch via conference call from home. So hard to feel on your game like that. H took a break from work to take the kids for a car ride because I was so stressed about them interrupting.
While I was pitching, an email came in from my main client. Urgent project. Statutory time bar, this week (exact date not specified). 30-60 days or more would be typical for this project under normal circumstances. I have somewhere from 2-3 days depending on what "late this week" means.
After the pitch, immediately went into hunker down and work mode, at least as much as you can with a spouse also working FT, and a 4 yo and a nursing 9m old at home. Put in a 15-16 hour day Wed between childcare + work.
Thurs I had a video conference with the client. They wanted video from me, so I had to clear the area of kids/stuff and be professional, but then we got on and they were like "I have 3 kids at home, I don't want you to see me." Seriously? You want me to prep for video and then do that? We've been working together for >10 years, you know I have little kids too.
After working all day Thurs to meet their deadline, and being in touch with them throughout the day, I send a draft at 7pm. 8pm goes by. 9pm. 10pm. 11pm. Crickets. This is not a group that contains themselves to business hours, and that's not a luxury we have anyway under the time constraints that they've created. Around 11pm I got comments from their consultant, but nothing at all from client. 11:20pm I'm making the conservative call to file and simultaneously pumping BM for DS.
Wake up to emails from client. So sorry to leave you hanging last night, here's a brain dump of feedback and additions. We want to do a 2nd filing with these additions. But now I'm spending a 2nd day in the same hell as yesterday. Still awaiting rounds of feedback.
This morning while flossing, my permanent wire retainer popped off one of my teeth. It goes lower canine to lower canine, and the end came un-cemented from one of the canines leaving a loose end that is floating and stabbing my tongue. This is annoying on a minute to minute basis. My orthodontist's office is closed, no reopening date. There is no fix coming. Still on edge/on call, still trying to mom the same two kids in the meantime.
My hair is a hot mess. I have a pixie cut, and get it cut every 7 weeks. Everything shut down a few days before my appointment last week, so it was cancelled. I'm a week overdue, feel like a mess, and again, no fix coming.
Everything, both important and petty, feels like a hot mess disaster. I'm exhausted. I have no down time. I work from eyes open to eyes shut. I'm nursing and doing the lion's share with the baby. H is taking point with the 4yo, but she lonely and doesn't understand why she can't see her friends/school. She wants to do cosmic kids yoga all the time because it talks to her. My heart is breaking that I can't do better for her.
I feel like I have no choice but to keep juggling as best I can. We're paying 100% tuition to daycare we can't use, so I can't pay a babysitter, and even if I could, it feels dicey. We can't do partly paid family leave; we were already pulling from a savings pot that I set aside pre-baby #2 to cover our 13 months of double-daycare. Grandparents are at greater health risk, so I don't feel like I can ask for help.
Meanwhile, my dad is proceeding with a demo and full reno of his master bath. It's true that his master shower was having some water issues, but he lives alone in a house with 2.5 bathrooms. This is not an emergency, it's been this way for years. He's just being a boomer about this. He picked out his tile, and nothing's going to stop him proceeding. I pushed for deferring, because maybe having contractors in and out of your en suite master bath is not a good idea right now, but he isn't listening.
My brother is an ICU nurse. His wife is also a nurse in the same hospital. It hasn't hit hard yet where he is, but it's starting. I'm trying to think how we can get their dogs for them if they need help. They're 4 hours away.
My FB is full of people posting about giving yourself slack, just be present with your kids, that's what they'll remember. But between the nursing baby and clients, I mean, yes, I'd love to, but I don't see how. The rest of the people I see on FB are talking about what to binge on Netflix and how clean they're finally getting their house.
Deep breath.
I know I'm not alone in this experience, but how are you all coping?
Post by SusanBAnthony on Mar 27, 2020 11:40:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry.
First of all, if this is the same daycare that is in the federal building, give notice and quit. Find a new daycare when this is all over.
Then use the money to hire a sitter who is socially distancing. It's just not possible with kids those ages to WFH FT+.
Other than that, I've got nothing but sympathy. Can any of your partners or staff pitch in for a week or two until you get a sitter in? One my my coworkers is dealing with childcare issues and we are all just helping do some of her work for a week until her daycare reopens. I know legal has its issues with that but surely someone can help with something?
I feel you, Susie. This week was really hard for me too, work-wise. I do mainly regulatory work for healthcare clients, so it's obviously a stressful and busy time for them. But I also do a lot of transactional work, and amazingly, that seems to still be really busy too. And e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g this week has been URGENT, so I've just been jumping from one work emergency to the other.
H is home but not working, so he's pretty much been on FT childcare duty. I think if H had to work too, we would probably try to set a schedule - like I get to work from 6a - 12p, he works 12p-6p, we both do dinner and bedtime, and then can both work after kids are in bed. It's not an ideal lawyers schedule, especially when busy, but I feel like everyone just needs to be understanding right now. We're all trying to deal the best we can, and I think it's 100% ok to be limited in the hours you are available right now.
I’m at home with a child with serious mental health problems who hasn’t had therapy in 2 weeks. He is in the tail end of a major episode that started about 2 hours ago. It’s fucking terrifying and DH isn’t here and I had to email colleagues that I’ll be offline the rest of the day. Meanwhile my child is suffering and my other child is collateral suffering and so no it’s not going well but he hasn’t hurt either of us so yay?
ETA. I gave his emergency med about 40 mins ago. Maybe it’s helping a little.
My husband and I at least have support from our employer and others with our company in the same boat. But, ya, I feel like there is no time for me. Who knew I’d miss my commute.
I got on some anxiety meds to help with sleep and keeping me feeling more balanced. It’s helping.
First of all, if this is the same daycare that is in the federal building, give notice and quit. Find a new daycare when this is all over.
Then use the money to hire a sitter who is socially distancing. It's just not possible with kids those ages to WFH FT+.
Other than that, I've got nothing but sympathy. Can any of your partners or staff pitch in for a week or two until you get a sitter in? One my my coworkers is dealing with childcare issues and we are all just helping do some of her work for a week until her daycare reopens. I know legal has its issues with that but surely someone can help with something?
Ditto all of this. Susie. I wish I could help you.
I’m struggling too. My 3 year old has some social/emotional issues and the lack of routine/structure/therapy has been so hard. Yesterday he had a great day, today has been hard. My one year old is getting molars and has been up crying all night for over a week. I’m exhausted and desperately need a break. My work is pushed to the back burner this week, but I told my H that we need to coordinate calendars for next week so that I can get some work done too.
I'm sorry. I feel you. My H is a SAHD during the day normally, but he's had to take in extra work because he's used to teaching online and his colleagues are not. My DD is such a mama's girl that she's finding it hard to stay away from me now that I'm home. I work in communications for the government and my job has turned into all COVID all the time so I can't even escape it. I don't think I'm coping well, so no advice. Just lots of sympathy.
Post by farmvillelover on Mar 27, 2020 12:47:38 GMT -5
WFH for me is close to impossible with a 4 y/o at home (other son is 8 and he's better about independent play/work).
I've been catching up on my backlog for now doing estate and gift tax returns and I've reserved client zoom and conf calls to 2 days a week when I physically go to my office. A big concern I have right now is making sure I keep my associate busy and thankfully she is and is plugging away at home. Her husband got laid off and with a special needs child I'll reduce my income to be able to continue to give her 30+ hours a week as she has been. It's a lot of pressure.
My H's company has been generous with their accommodations (80 extra PTO hours and 100% WFH) so he's just working half days, if that. He's been picking up the slack when I go into the office.
I honestly can't imagine going months like this, but I guess that will be reality soon. Business on the new client front will take a hit for a while. My business turns a lot on clients dying, which unfortunately happens at a pretty steady and frequent rate. I can do that from home.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Mar 27, 2020 12:50:26 GMT -5
Sounds a lot like our household, although we only have one kid (5 years old).
Please don't quote: I woke up on the 16th intending to take some days off with DD our of preschool, but instead got the news that DH and I are the team setting up the software for some of the emergency facilities being stood up to treat COVID patients. This is a huge project that should take place over months or a year, but obviously the virus isn't waiting. So instead we've both worked the last 11 days straight, with no childcare. On top of that, I think I may actually have COVID (or maybe just a cold, it's mild and I'm okay so far, but not at my best by far), so we obviously absolutely cannot do any alternate childcare.
On top of this, my health was already poor and I've already been waiting months for replacement hormones that will hopefully help me not feel like I'm 80 years old. I'm afraid that with the whole healthcare system getting slammed, the prior authorization for this might get even more delayed.
I'm pretty sure DD has watched more TV in the last 2 weeks than the previous 5 years of her life put together. I'm trying not to feel badly about that. Poor kiddo is so sad and lonely. But we've got nothing else left to give her right now. Hopefully this weekend we will get a breather from work and get some family time.
I'm dreading clawing back the unlimited tablet time after all this is over and life returns to something like normal.
I have a lot to say about this and no time to assemble all of my thoughts, but I so feel you on the pixie cut Susie. I get mine done every 5-6 weeks and overdue and starting to look like a Beatle.
Post by freshsqueezed on Mar 27, 2020 13:01:32 GMT -5
I didn’t want to not comment after reading but not sure at all what to say. I agree though about the daycare. Do what you need to right now to make things better and find a new place when this is all over.
Post by simpsongal on Mar 27, 2020 13:03:26 GMT -5
ETA - that week would send me over the edge even if I had functioning daycare. I'm sorry. I suspect you're a type A overachiever much like myself. I think it's hard for people like us, who are responsive to others (clients, reports) to tell them what *you* need or that something can't be done.... But I'm having to do it out of necessity right now. I hope there's a place you can do the same.
This week is slightly better than last. If you have ANY ability to take some time completely off, do it. Even a 4 hour stretch. I did a 2 hr stretch last Friday, put up an out of office and just took care of my kids, cleaning, cooking. It helped not to have the tether to the computer for those 2 hours. Something about being on all the time is particularly stressful for me personally- plus I manage a team that is used to me replying and being on constantly (and they either don't have kids or have a SAH spouse). It may be the same for your clients. I don't know if you need buy in from your bosses, but if you're allowed to let people know you're somewhat out of pocket b/c of parenting, I think it's completely reasonable.
I'm really trying to boil things down to ESSENTIALS. E.g., we had a door knob break. I just don't care. DH is wrapped around the axle about it. I don't have the bandwidth to care about it. We are ordering carry out as needed too. I'm trying to pick up the house every night, b/c DH and I agree it's better for our mental health to spend 20 minutes/night picking up rather than living in squalor every day. It's a tough trade off, but it's true. I've cut books for DS at night - we see him all the time during the day, long bedtimes no more. And yes more screen time.
I'm pretty convinced I got markedly ill yesterday b/c I'm so stressed and run down. Seriously, American is going to in a mental health crisis after all this.
Seriously, American is going to in a mental health crisis after all this.
Yes, I keep thinking the same thing.
im sorry Susie , that does sound awful and this entire situation is unsustainable. H ad I are both trying to wfh with the kids and it is so fucking awful. We’re basically adding a second full time job on top of the work we already have, plus more cooking/cleaning/etc because we are stuck at home all the time. It’s awful and I feel perpetually burnt out. It doesn’t help that no one on my team has small kids (they are all high school or older) so they don’t get it at all. My boss first told me I could flex my house and “just work before they wake up or after bedtime”. They are awake from 7-9:30 and by the end of it I’m fucking exhausted. DD2 had a fever yesterday and I was freaking out and my boss thought it would help to tell me how much he’s enjoying being home with his high schoolers who sleep till noon and are entirely entertaining themselves. He has no empathy or awareness whatsoever.
Anyway, the only thing that has helped me is getting away. I went for a drive last Sat and talked to my BFF from her driveway (that was before they issued the SIP in my state). That helped. I have a zoom girls night set up with another group of friends I’m looking forward to. I need to find a way to add some exercise in, as if there is any time. It’s awful and I hate it and I think I’m mildly depressed. But I think we all are. 🙁
My husband and I have split days, but it means that we work just all the time.
8am to 10:30am - I work, he has our daughter 10:30am - 2:30pm - he works, I have our daughter 2:30pm - 4:30pm - we both work, daughter naps 4:30pm - 5:30pm - I work, he has our daughter 5:30pm - 8pm - dinner, play with her together 8:30pm - whenever we give up - we both work
I'm sorry, this is so incredibly hard. We are fortunate as well that we can WFH, but it's almost impossible to get anything meaningful done with a 16mo old. I get jealous if my colleagues who can put their kids in front of the tv for a 30 minute call lol.
We can get things done before DS wakes up and after bedtime, but both of our jobs rely on meetings during the day. We sit down at night and talk through our must attend meetings for the next day and plan our 'watch DS' times around them. My company / dept / team is VERY supportive and cut workload for Q2 knowing folks would be less productive WFH and taking care of kids usually in school or daycare. H's company less so and I find myself doing more.
We tried having one of DS's teachers come in the mornings which lasted all of 2 days before her husband was potentially exposed. Our parents all work but we're thinking of bringing them here 1 week at a time (after 2 weeks of self-quarantine) to help us out. Something has to give, it's just not sustainable to have 2 working parents with kids at home. Virtual hugs to everyone.
Post by ellipses84 on Mar 27, 2020 13:44:07 GMT -5
It’s really f’ing difficult. I’ve worked 60+ hours this week and I might take a few hours of PTO because I’m struggling to legitimately bill 40. I’m in a visual field and coworkers are definitely struggling to do client presentations virtually (that we normally prefer to do in person, kind of like pitches). I worked with teams across the country for 2 years so I’m pretty adept at it.
DH isn’t working much and his work will probably shut down on Monday which we are glad about (it’s ridiculous they were trying to stay open). I’m the primary breadwinner so we’ll manage reduced pay for him, in exchange for him being here for the kids. It’s probably less impact than me dropping to 32 hours/wk although I’m still considering that. He’s applying for UE. DS1’s school is going virtual and there’s no way I can keep up with helping him when I’m on conference calls all day. The homeschooling we’ve been attempting on our own schedule is hard enough. I feel like I’ve aged a year in 2 weeks.
Post by ellipses84 on Mar 27, 2020 13:51:22 GMT -5
ohgillian ((hugs)) to you. My heart really goes out to all the children with special needs who are not getting the support they need and normally get, and their families too.
Post by chocolatepie on Mar 27, 2020 13:52:07 GMT -5
We have a 5 month old, and I would previously thought it would be super easy to work while caring for one, but he is in this new stage of wanting to be held at all times and bursts into tears if we put him down. He usually wants to be walked around, played with, or held up so he can stand the entire time. He'll occasionally go for laying on his back with his toys for 10 minute increments. He naps for 20-30 minutes max.
So, we are both home but DH has constant conference calls so I am doing 90% of the baby entertaining. My work is getting done in tiny increments and after DH gets off at 4pm. I had to go into the office twice this week and he just had to come with me one of those times because DH had a call.
There is no way we could do this if we both had a job similar to DH's. My job is incredibly flexible with very few deadlines so it's working. I do feel a tad guilty not giving my entire 40 hours but figure I can make it up later.
I agree that please use this opportunity to find a new daycare! Your daycare posts always sound so stressful and daycare should not have to be like that.
If I can help you in any way with the broken retainer, please PM me. I'm sorry that is piling onto your situation. Most of my colleagues have mentally checked out and are very very afraid of going into the office, even for people with legit emergencies. I am not in your vicinity but I am happy to look at the situation over text and I can try to find a colleague who can help if it's really painful. Heck I can mail you some wax if you think that will help.
Otherwise I am in "don't care" mode but that's easy for me to say since I am the owner of my company (though I always tell DD she is the real boss and she finds it hilarious). You sound like a very hard worker which is admirable. But is it possible that even if you didn't meet all the client deadlines, they aren't about to go jump ship or have too much ground for valid complaints right now since most of the country that can do their work with a computer + phone is at home wrestling unruly kids? I feel like a man in your situation would have given all the excuses a long time ago and said "deal with it, we are in a crisis." Then again my husband disappears when he has "calls" and said no one in his group has kids so he's not willing to hide behind the "but the kids" excuse when I complain that he should.
I SAH with DS (4 next month) and H is WFH in an open alcove area (we have no other space with 4 walls & a door available). It's challenging. DS is in a huge Daddy phase. Huge. And he doesn't quite understand why daddy's home but can't play with him. So he's handling it... not well. Huge temper tantrums, yelling/crying/climbing on H in the middle of H's video work meetings... btw, H has so.many.meetings. I never realized how many he has. That's with me available to be with DS for those 8 hours of work. We live in a TH so no backyard/usable outside space. So we go for walks but we're in the Seattle area so it's been raining a lot per usual for March. Sigh.
Huge hugs to all of you with both spouses WFH and kids.
ETA: Susie ditto to whoever suggested giving notice to your current childcare & finding a provider who will social distance. My sister and BIL (PA and Dr) just had to do that as their regular care is her ILs, one who is immunocompromised.
ohgillian ((hugs)) to you. My heart really goes out to all the children with special needs who are not getting the support they need and normally get, and their families too.
Thank you. I just needed to post it somewhere. Today has been scary and hard. My kid has been violent in the past, and he’s almost my height and quite strong. I am glad he’s calmer for now.
I think if you’re both home, I would try a schedule.
DH’s company is considered essential, so I’m teleworking, parenting, and teaching solo. It sucks and I know my mental and physical health are a mess.
It might not be the best thing, but this week I went in the office 1 day and will need to go in Tuesday to be acting for my boss. Those days save me and while DH either flexes or takes PTO, it is what it is.
My parents have offered to take her, but they are a 3.5 hour drive, so I can’t just hop in the car and drop her. I think I’m going to bite the bullet and do it. They actually don’t want us at work because if the boss gets sick, then myself or another colleague have to act for him. But it would be nice to telework alone.
Oh and my kids school is a fucking disaster and they just sent an email saying “yeah so the governor closed schools, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be responsible for learning all of this stuff from April to June.” Which kind of makes me want to say fuck you to all of it.
Post by sandandsea on Mar 27, 2020 15:54:07 GMT -5
It’s hard. I get a solid 6-7 hours in between 8-6 and then make up the remaining 2-6 hours after they go to bed. And I’m responsible for billable hours and business development so it’s extra hard and making for long days with lots of interruptions.
I made a schedule for ds1 (2nd grade) and most of it is e learning he’s been doing himself. School hasn’t sent out anything other than a bunch of links yet. I’m not sure how well he’s completing the work but at least he’s quietish and occupied. Ds2 is just following along. I am paying them with a sticker chart for each academic section they complete and each sticker is $1 which he’s using for roblox.
We are trying to go for evening walks together and I have two outdoor play times scheduled for them in the backyard.
I’m eating too many sweets and drinking soda to cope.
So basically we are surviving with mediocrity and bribery.
Post by hbomdiggity on Mar 27, 2020 15:59:00 GMT -5
MIL and I have never been close. But she happened to be visiting when this started to go down and we asked her to stay (she is retired). It’s the only reason we are surviving.
I am in-house for an “essential business” and have spent the last 3 weeks analyzing contracts and stay at home orders. While some of my coworkers support one or two (albeit large) contracts, I have over 50 spread over 5 different jurisdictions which include some of top hot spot areas. I am barely keeping above water. So much for my cush in-house job!
I have major mom guilt about not spending time with my kid and not doing fun stuff like art and baking.
I am grateful for a large house so we all have separate areas during the day. I am grateful my kid is still pre-school and I don’t actually need to attempt any form of schooling. I am grateful for wine.
We've been juggling something similar for months now -- having two WFH people at home while watching DD. The first month was the worst for me. It was hard to accept the fact that I just wouldn't be able to give 110% to my job anymore and I wouldn't be able to adhere to a strict schedule. For while, I considered any day where I didn't cry until after 11 am a win. Turns out I was far more paranoid about my job performance than I needed to be and had my best annual review yet last month.
We've now got three people at home (all working full time plus I also stupidly took on some extra freelance work last month), but we all also have increased workloads because of COVID. I'm lucky that I have a lot of urgent deliverables, but not many meetings. My mom and DH are the opposite -- lots of meetings, but not as many deliverables. We've tried staggering our schedules, so there is someone working or doing childcare from 4:30 am to midnight.
I tried to start going on very short jogs last week to deal with the stress, and it threw my back out. So now I'm in a back brace. Sometimes it's helpful to remind myself this is all temporary. And I'm secretly glad BFing didn't work out for us.
Ditto other people's advice in ditching the daycare and trying to find a sitter (if I remember correctly, it didn't seem like you've ever been too thrilled with your daycare). I've had a couple sporatic weeks where I was the only one home (while still working) with DD. I hired a babysitter to come in for just four hours a day and it made a huge difference.
It's been hard I'm not going to lie. And I am lucky in that my workload is reduced because some of the work requires me to be onsite, and there are some things I simply cannot do because I am not there, and I just delete the emails (automated reports, not emails from actual people). I am very lucky that my boss is understanding. And even with that and job stability, it is still hard.
I'm really sorry to hear how much you're struggling. It's hard, and you have a lot of other stuff on top of it!
H and I are WFH, and he is using PTO for half of most days to be on baby duty. I'm also lucky in that I don't have any pressing deadlines... So mostly I'm just sucking at work and not being productive, which isn't very helpful.