Also, I would love to rant for days about weak ass men during this pandemic. This is what the 3rd infidelity discovery we have had on this board in the last month? It makes my blood boil for people I do not even know.
And they'll say "well the pandemic made me do it!" and we're supposed to just go "oh yeah, things were hard, here's your free pass". Nope, nope, nope.
Post by somersault72 on Oct 15, 2020 10:57:43 GMT -5
Fuck him and your "friend." You deserve better than both of them. I'm so very sorry. I am with the others I would definitely not go out of my way to keep this quiet. Everyone should know how terrible they are.
Post by formerlyak on Oct 15, 2020 11:38:12 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. I suspected it from your initial post, but this is one of the few things I don't like being right about (and ask my family, I love being right).
I will be the lone dissenter on the "tell her husband" front. What do you have to gain from that? A temporary feeling of catharsis, perhaps. A "misery loves company" kind os situation? Sure. But long term, there isn't a whole lot to gain. I know that feeling. I remember that feeling, and it's been 11 years since this happened to me. You feel hollow and want to throw up and some days you just don't want to move. It is the most terrible I have ever felt (I had a miscarriage and found out my ex was cheating in the same month; the other woman called him while I was in the ER bleeding and losing our baby). But even if you don't say anything, people will figure it out. And you will be moving on. And he will see that. And he will see you be happy and confident, and that happiness and confidence won't have anything to do with how you "ruined his life" by telling people (because he will turn that back on you). It will be 100% your own happiness and confidence that no one can beat down. I know it is easy for me to say that 11 years later, but even DS has noticed that his dad still gets a little twinge of jealousy when he sees how happy I am without him. That is the BEST feeling. And it's all mine and he can't do anything to take it away.
And can I just say, I really didn't want to be right and really was just projecting in your initial post. I hate that you or me or any woman for that matter ever has to go through anything like this. It's just such a betrayal, and then to have it be with one of your friends. Ugh. I'm just so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I suspected it from your initial post, but this is one of the few things I don't like being right about (and ask my family, I love being right).
I will be the lone dissenter on the "tell her husband" front. What do you have to gain from that? A temporary feeling of catharsis, perhaps. A "misery loves company" kind os situation? Sure. But long term, there isn't a whole lot to gain.
No.
You're not telling him for catharsis - you're telling him because he deserves to know he was cheated on so that he can make his own informed decision about what to do with his own relationship.
This is one of those things that I will never understand about people on this board. If someone knows my husband is cheating on me - TELL ME! If I find out later you withheld that information, I will be livid.
I'm so sorry. I suspected it from your initial post, but this is one of the few things I don't like being right about (and ask my family, I love being right).
I will be the lone dissenter on the "tell her husband" front. What do you have to gain from that? A temporary feeling of catharsis, perhaps. A "misery loves company" kind os situation? Sure. But long term, there isn't a whole lot to gain.
No.
You're not telling him for catharsis - you're telling him because he deserves to know he was cheated on so that he can make his own informed decision about what to do with his own relationship.
This is one of those things that I will never understand about people on this board. If someone knows my husband is cheating on me - TELL ME! If I find out later you withheld that information, I will be livid.
Yes and especially in this situation where mutual friends are going to learn some or all of the truth. Maybe I wouldn't seek out the SO if my H was cheating with a random woman, but putting myself in this situation in my real life, with couples we are friends with, I sure as SHIT would tell the H and I would want him to tell me if the roles were reversed. I'd want to know before anyone else does. The idea of me being in the dark while others know such a thing makes me cringe beyond belief.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'm so sorry. I suspected it from your initial post, but this is one of the few things I don't like being right about (and ask my family, I love being right).
I will be the lone dissenter on the "tell her husband" front. What do you have to gain from that? A temporary feeling of catharsis, perhaps. A "misery loves company" kind os situation? Sure. But long term, there isn't a whole lot to gain.
No.
You're not telling him for catharsis - you're telling him because he deserves to know he was cheated on so that he can make his own informed decision about what to do with his own relationship.
This is one of those things that I will never understand about people on this board. If someone knows my husband is cheating on me - TELL ME! If I find out later you withheld that information, I will be livid.
Then tell him privately so he can make informed decisions about his marriage (my ex's mistress wasn't married). But there is a lot of "tell all the people" sentiment in this thread, and really, that does nothing.
You're not telling him for catharsis - you're telling him because he deserves to know he was cheated on so that he can make his own informed decision about what to do with his own relationship.
This is one of those things that I will never understand about people on this board. If someone knows my husband is cheating on me - TELL ME! If I find out later you withheld that information, I will be livid.
Then tell him privately so he can make informed decisions about his marriage (my ex's mistress wasn't married). But there is a lot of "tell all the people" sentiment in this thread, and really, that does nothing.
Then tell him privately so he can make informed decisions about his marriage (my ex's mistress wasn't married). But there is a lot of "tell all the people" sentiment in this thread, and really, that does nothing.
I don’t think anyone wants her to blast it on FB.
Ehhh quite a few people have said to tell the whole friend group/any mutual friends/etc. I'm not giving any advice on that front, but it certainly was suggested to air the dirty laundry. And I realize I've contributed to it now, but I don't think the OP needs this thread devolving into a fight amongst ourselves about what to do with the information.
I'm so sorry. I suspected it from your initial post, but this is one of the few things I don't like being right about (and ask my family, I love being right).
I will be the lone dissenter on the "tell her husband" front. What do you have to gain from that? A temporary feeling of catharsis, perhaps. A "misery loves company" kind os situation? Sure. But long term, there isn't a whole lot to gain.
No.
You're not telling him for catharsis - you're telling him because he deserves to know he was cheated on so that he can make his own informed decision about what to do with his own relationship.
This is one of those things that I will never understand about people on this board. If someone knows my husband is cheating on me - TELL ME! If I find out later you withheld that information, I will be livid.
Eh, I think it really depends. I sent my XH's first "girlfriend's" husband a message when I found out they were having an affair, and I never heard back. I ended up just feeling like a bigger chump for bothering to reach out. As far as I know they stayed together. Maybe he never even got it. Anyway, it just added to my emotional burden and didn't actually DO anything.
Not saying anyone shouldn't do it anyway - it's just not necessarily a clear cut great thing either. #1 priority right now is OP and her feelings and well being. If she thinks it will help her, by all means tell him. If not, there should be no pressure to do that either.
Same with all these responses about "if it were me I'd tell the world and burn his shit!" While well meaning, they can also make someone feel bad if they don't do that, especially if they decide they want to try to work things out. The last thing I wanted to do when I was in this situation was tell the world. I was so embarrassed and hate talking about feelings with most people, and then felt the added pressure that I wasn't following some rule book of how an injured woman is supposed to act. There is no rule book. The rule is, you take care of yourself and do what feels right.
It pretty apparent that there are lots of differing approaches and opinions about those approaches here. None are right or wrong, really. But it's good for the OP to hear all of them so she can figure out what is best in her situation.
And @bernadine you know we all have your back and are here any time you need support from "internet strangers". What you are going through isn't easy and no one should have to go through it. Unfortunately, many of us have been in your shoes. And going through it in our own ways will mean we come out the other side with our own experience and opinion about that experience. People are always surprised when they find out, for example, that my ex and I still had dinner together with our son every other Monday night until Covid hit (so essentially 10 years after we divorced). It gave us a change to talk about DS-related things and stay on the same page. So many people told me I was crazy for doing that and asked how I could stand to be in the same room with him after what he did, but it worked for us. When you feel up to it and get over the initial shock, you will have to really think about what you need and want at this point and make the decision that works for YOU. Hearing different perspectives will help you sort that part out, hopefully.
I suggest burning it down via the best lawyer available. I’d hold my cards as close to the vest as possible and take every fucking thing available, and then decide who to tell what after therapy. Including as much custody and support as allowed.
Don’t do anything today that will hurt YOU tomorrow.
I’d probably also consider hitting him with my car, but don’t advocate that.
Honestly, I wouldn't hide why the split was happening if people ask, but I'm betting people will figure it out.
In my case, I never confirmed if my exH was cheating. In fact, I only even suspected this past year when I found out his GF was pregnant and I did a little bit of googling. I found out they bought an apartment together 6 months after I moved out, only about a month after our divorce was finalized. I'm super skeptical he didn't start a relationship with her prior to him deciding he wanted a divorce because it would be very unlike him to buy property with a GF after only a few months.
I wish I could at the very least confront him, but at the same time, what will that do? I'm assuming those closest to him know the facts or at least suspect and have judged him, so whatever. I know I'm in a much better place now.