I'm sorry you have a asshole lying husband. I'm hoping this closes the door for you finally.
I'm in the burn him to the ground camp. He deserves nothing. I'd also send those texts to her husband. He deserves to know and he can do with it what he wants.
Post by onetruething on Oct 15, 2020 13:57:13 GMT -5
@bernadine, I wish I could give you the biggest hug. Life is a lot for everyone right now and your h just keeps adding to your pile. You don’t deserve any of this crap!!
I am so sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that. Your H is such a shitpig.
My X was sexting with strangers and I can tell you if I had known their spouses, I would have said something to them. Once the shock was over and the panic attacks subsided, there was just a white hot rage. We didn't have kids so my handling it was different. I told my friends what was happening. Unfriended all his friends and family on FB and when one inquired why, I told them. That then spread through his circle like wildfire. But I didn't give 2 shits. He could spin it how he liked, I had been truthful and he had not.
As far as telling vs not telling the other spouse, so many people did not tell me about my ex. SO MANY PEOPLE and I hate them all with a fiery passion to this day. It was a second layer of betrayal.
Ugh, I went through the same thing and found shady emails. He had become very protective of his phone and added a lock, started working out nonstop, very into his image and wardrobe...classic stuff. When I confronted him on the emails, his MO remained..I was drunk..nothing happened..blah blah blah. I never said anything about any of the other stuff but it all makes sense now of course.
Honestly, I wouldn't hide why the split was happening if people ask, but I'm betting people will figure it out.
Well damn, I'm sorry Bernadine. What a shitty thing to be going through.
I don't know if how my divorce played out is abnormal, but from what I recall no one asked why we divorced and I don't think anyone really truly knows that my ex was emotionally abusive to this day. Most people were like, "damn I'm sorry, I hope you're doing ok" and I'd say "yep, I'll be fine, thanks for asking." And we were very much the happy go lucky and laid back couple, that I'm sure no one saw as having any major problems or that we had been in counseling for a year.
For me personally, taking the "high road" was the best approach for me and I didn't think I'd gain anything by divulging his poor behavior. I moved on very quickly and was happy how things turned out. Everyone handles things differently. So I think either choice is fine, to tell or not tell the reason for the problems.
Bernadine, right now and going forward you gotta do what's best for you. And if you decide to separate/divorce you really don't owe anyone anything. Obviously this one friend is shitty, but I hope you have others you can lean on that will be supportive if you want to tell them nothing or if you want to tell them everything.
It's awful when someone you love lets you down (in such a massive way).
I'm sorry that the board was right about this, but, I know we're right about the "better things to come" part, too. For you. It's going to suck to be him one day when he realizes how much he's lost and how little you care. <3
I'm really sorry to read this. As others have said, what you decide to do may be vastly different than what works for someone else.
To give my example, I told the other woman's spouse. I didn't get any response from him. It may have been the right thing to do for him, or maybe he didn't think it was, or maybe didn't get the message. I don't know.
I also politely told my ex-H's family. They were disappointed in him but nearly all thought I should try to work it out and wait for him while he was still seeing her and unsure of what he wanted which didn't make me feel like I was worth anything to him or them. Many people directly asked me what happened. Some I told a bit, some I didn't. I ended relationships with a group I thought were my friends as after I told them they responded similarity to his family. I would want to know if it was my spouse, but telling people didn't help me to feel better about the total embarrassment the situation made me feel. Looking back I don't think I would have had the emotional stamina to deal with her spouse had he responded to me, and I hope telling him was the right action. Ultimately I think you need to focus on yourself now and do what you think is best. Sending all positive thoughts to you.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
You're not telling him for catharsis - you're telling him because he deserves to know he was cheated on so that he can make his own informed decision about what to do with his own relationship.
This is one of those things that I will never understand about people on this board. If someone knows my husband is cheating on me - TELL ME! If I find out later you withheld that information, I will be livid.
Eh, I think it really depends. I sent my XH's first "girlfriend's" husband a message when I found out they were having an affair, and I never heard back. I ended up just feeling like a bigger chump for bothering to reach out. As far as I know they stayed together. Maybe he never even got it. Anyway, it just added to my emotional burden and didn't actually DO anything.
Not saying anyone shouldn't do it anyway - it's just not necessarily a clear cut great thing either. #1 priority right now is OP and her feelings and well being. If she thinks it will help her, by all means tell him. If not, there should be no pressure to do that either.
Same with all these responses about "if it were me I'd tell the world and burn his shit!" While well meaning, they can also make someone feel bad if they don't do that, especially if they decide they want to try to work things out. The last thing I wanted to do when I was in this situation was tell the world. I was so embarrassed and hate talking about feelings with most people, and then felt the added pressure that I wasn't following some rule book of how an injured woman is supposed to act. There is no rule book. The rule is, you take care of yourself and do what feels right.
I cannot love this enough. I have decided to not tell anyone the details of what I'm going through at this point in time (other than here, therapist and one IRL friend). My emotions and thoughts and feelings are ALL over the place multiple times a day. I would SO judge me for not having burned all his clothes at this point. I have judged for less, so not only am I extremely embarrassed, I'm also a huge fucking hypocrite and feel so incredibly weak. This is the biggest mind fuck I've ever been through.
Bernadine, I am so very sorry. I've found a lot of insight on Surviving Infidelity. it's nice to hear how the thoughts/feelings are semi-normal to our situations. I've also appreciated my two therapy sessions (obviously more to come). Just to talk it out a bit. I've been "journaling" as well to get it out. Maybe one of those avenues could work a bit to ease some tension. I'm definitely open to talking things out with you as well. Not that I have any advice how to navigate this, but I can commiserate with you in real time if you'd like.
Eh, I think it really depends. I sent my XH's first "girlfriend's" husband a message when I found out they were having an affair, and I never heard back. I ended up just feeling like a bigger chump for bothering to reach out. As far as I know they stayed together. Maybe he never even got it. Anyway, it just added to my emotional burden and didn't actually DO anything.
Not saying anyone shouldn't do it anyway - it's just not necessarily a clear cut great thing either. #1 priority right now is OP and her feelings and well being. If she thinks it will help her, by all means tell him. If not, there should be no pressure to do that either.
Same with all these responses about "if it were me I'd tell the world and burn his shit!" While well meaning, they can also make someone feel bad if they don't do that, especially if they decide they want to try to work things out. The last thing I wanted to do when I was in this situation was tell the world. I was so embarrassed and hate talking about feelings with most people, and then felt the added pressure that I wasn't following some rule book of how an injured woman is supposed to act. There is no rule book. The rule is, you take care of yourself and do what feels right.
I cannot love this enough. I have decided to not tell anyone the details of what I'm going through at this point in time (other than here, therapist and one IRL friend). My emotions and thoughts and feelings are ALL over the place multiple times a day. I would SO judge me for not having burned all his clothes at this point. I have judged for less, so not only am I extremely embarrassed, I'm also a huge fucking hypocrite and feel so incredibly weak. This is the biggest mind fuck I've ever been through.
Bernadine , I am so very sorry. I've found a lot of insight on Surviving Infidelity. it's nice to hear how the thoughts/feelings are semi-normal to our situations. I've also appreciated my two therapy sessions (obviously more to come). Just to talk it out a bit. I've been "journaling" as well to get it out. Maybe one of those avenues could work a bit to ease some tension. I'm definitely open to talking things out with you as well. Not that I have any advice how to navigate this, but I can commiserate with you in real time if you'd like.
Everyone is strong when they are talking about hypotheticals. You're not weak, you're human. I have a feeling the majority of people who think they'd behave that way haven't actually faced the situation and might behave very differently if presented with it.
Be gentle with yourself. You both will figure out what's right for you and I promise, you will be ok.
Post by litskispeciality on Oct 16, 2020 14:26:05 GMT -5
Exactly what wildrice, said, hypothetical, hindsight all that is so different than reality. I would be embarrassed as hell to share a situation, when I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. It's no one's business what happened and they owe you that courtesy to stay the f*ck out of it. Go easy on yourself OP and don't ever blame yourself. If it hasn't come up already, maybe try to talk to a counselor through the anger, questions, feelings.