I want to echo that how ever you are feeling, it is ok. I never felt rage when I was cheated on. I felt extremely sad and embarrassed. I did tell some friends and our families knew, but I wasn’t broadcasting on social media. I actually told a close friend and family member and gave them permission to tell people. I basically didn’t want to talk about it or tell the story 100 times.
And everyone telling me how mad they’d be, just made me feel broken. Why wasn’t I angry?
I also didn’t tell the other woman’s husband. I believe she was married too. But I’m not 100%, she’s a stranger to me, and honestly, it didn’t cross my mind. I had enough to deal with.
Yeah I thought I would be raging and telling everyone what he did. But I’m actually deeply embarrassed and I don’t want anyone to know.
I think however you are feeling is okay.
Yeah, this is where I am. I’ve told this board and my bff, that’s it.
The spouse that is cheated on has nothing to be embarrassed about. You kept your promise to remain faithful. You were not the ones who broke your vows, lack integrity, and shit on the person who trusted you the most. Fuck the misogynistic ideas that women are the ones responsible from keeping their husbands from cheating*. You know full well that you can't control another adult's behavior. Many seem to forget this when it comes to infidelity. I'm not saying that you need to tell everyone but please do not internalize your H's cheating as any reason to be embarrassed. You are not the cause. Please don't let him and society gaslight you into believing it.
*I realize I made this heteronormative and referenced standard monogamy. It's what I know and seems applicable.
And I want to echo everyone who has said that you get to feel how you feel and handle this in whatever manner feels right to you.
When my exH cheated I learned that you never really know how you’ll react or feel in a situation until you’re actually in it, despite whatever you thought prior to it actually happening.
Just know you don’t deserve this and we are here for you.
Post by downtoearth on Oct 19, 2020 7:22:47 GMT -5
Ugh - this sucks and I hope you have a place that you can have all your emotions and be away figure this out. That was so good for me - not to be near and hear someone who I thought had my back and loved me keep talking - his lies and comments were so hot/cold that it was disorienting (or gaslighting and DARVO I know now). Hugs and I know this pain. So so sorry!
So true that it takes each individual to figure out how they want to react. I was very business like and shocked at that - didn’t scream or yell, just asked XH to leave and drove his drunk-ass girlfriend home. See you never know how you’ll react and the sadness after was overwhelming - I didn’t get to angry until after we divorced (in some ways I wish I would have before, but I couldn’t control my loss stages).
Oh and as an aside... I too tried to not tell many and was embarrassed. I felt like a failure and like I had been lying to the world... because I thought I was loved and in love and couldn’t reconcile my view of our life with his. I did send a quick private message to her husband that said, “I wish someone would have said something to me, so I was a bit prepared, so I wanted you to know that I found our spouses together (at time and date) and they admitted to an affair. My husband has been asked to move out. If you want more information please email or call.” Never talked to or heard from the ho-worker’s husband. But I don’t regret it. (I have other regrets 😉)
I don't think it's necessary to tell people what happened. They don't need to know the details. And it doesn't really matter in the end: his friends, family will support him anyway. She better focus her energy on herself. Telling the other spouse doesn't accomplish much either. Let him figure it out (or not). It's not Bernadine's problem. Since they are friends, he'll probably figure it out sooner rather than later. Now, if I were a really good friend to the other spouse, I would tell them. But if I didn't really interact with them, not my problem.