S is 3.5 and SO STRONG WILLED and wild. I am trying to help with his anger and tantrums and whining, which I know are all normal things, but I want to help reduce them and nothing seems to do it.
I am walking the line of listening to his feelings and showing him that his actions are based on feelings and I want to understand those feelings, and also setting firm boundaries about following directions. A quick example: temper tantrum this morning about getting dressed for daycare/school. Full flailing and screaming and whining. I try to sit down and calm him down and talk about WHY he is acting this way "WHY don't you want to get dressed? Oh, you don't want to go to school? Why? What do you want to do instead?" and also setting a boundary of "you did not follow my directions to get dressed, so you need to have a consequence." But, like, what is the consequence of not getting dressed? After 10 minutes of trying to talk to him and calm him down and then him biting and kicking me and screaming, I just abruptly put him down and (not my finest moment coming up) slammed the door and walked away.
This happens EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. He insists he hates school (I am confident he does not. When I ask why he says he just wants to be home with me all day, and school does not have TV) so we go through this literally every morning.
It also happens in the evening with dinner time a lot. Or most of the time around TV. He just does not follow direction which leads to tantrums from both of us.
We try deep breaths and meditation. We talk about our feelings a lot, both during tantrums and when we are all calm. Consequences range from going to sit alone in his room to calm down (rarely works, he usually just walks out or throws a full meltdown in his room) to losing a special toy for a few days. We also have tried rewarding good behavior instead of removing something for bad behavior and nothing seems to work.
Tell me what you do to help your kids if they have bad tantrums with regards to following directions. I am at my wits end and constantly end up in tears.
Post by scribellesam on Jan 19, 2021 10:55:30 GMT -5
Three year olds are kind of the worst. Have you tried timers or lots of transition warnings before moving from preferred activities to non preferred, like getting dressed for school? For my oldest, I would start with a ten minute warning, then five, then two, then one. If you don’t have the time to keep track yourself, set a timer on a phone or Alexa or whatever. It didn’t always avoid the tantrum completely but it often lessened the intensity.
Post by luv2rn4fun on Jan 19, 2021 10:57:32 GMT -5
Things that help my boys (6yo with ASD and 4yo)...priming beforehand, consistent routines, reward chart, giving some control (do you want to get dressed in 2 min or 3 min...he chooses, you set timer, remind him of your expectations when timer goes off and that he gets a token for following directions...then tons of praise when he does it right). We have also taught the boys that they can ask for one more minute, which is helpful.
Good luck! My oldest is extremely difficult and has so many extreme reactions. We are working on identifying his different zones and how he can help his body return to green. Also working on big deal vs little deals and how little deals should have little reactions. And of course, deep breaths, counting, snuggling his weighted blanket, taking a break are all coping skills we use.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jan 19, 2021 10:57:47 GMT -5
My best advice is to talk to him at a time when he is calm well before the getting ready for school time. Say something like, I've noticed we've had trouble when it's time to get ready for school. This is what we're going to do to make it better. Here is a chart of what you need to do to get ready for school. Present him with a list/chart with a picture of each thing he needs to do (put on underwear, pants, shirt, socks, brush teeth, make bed, turn off light were the types of things on my kids chart, but whatever it is you NEED him to do). Then tell him, if you do all this without a tantrum, then you get x reward (sticker on chart to work up to big reward, immediate little reward like 10 min. of screen time before going out the door, super sugary breakfast of x that he normally doesn't get, whatever you think will work. For my kids, we did a quarter a day, but they were also older when we started this). If you do have a tantrum, I will have to help you get dressed and do whatever else is on chart, and then you will not get reward, and you will get this consequence. You could also have him help make the chart of things that need done, or ask him what you can do to help him get ready without a tantrum. But you need to be clear that getting ready for school without a tantrum every day is something that needs to happen.
With stuff like tantrums around tv, what worked well for me was to give a 5 min. or 2 min. warning before tv time/screen time is going to be over, and say I expect you to turn it off with no tantrum in 2 min. or else tomorrow you don't get tv time.
Post by mainelyfoolish on Jan 19, 2021 11:01:20 GMT -5
They don’t call them threenagers for nothing! I am now on the other side of this with a nearly 13 year old, and sometimes you just have to walk away while they have their tantrum for a bit; you can’t rationalize away the big feelings.
The consequence for not getting dress on time, I would think, is that mom now has to put your clothes on you, because going without clothes is not an option.
Post by cricketwife on Jan 19, 2021 11:03:16 GMT -5
I'm mostly here to give hugs. I have two kids and one is/was exactly like this (he's 7 now) and the other is not. I do think there are strategies -- you're doing all the right things, but this is a hard age and it's just harder for some kids than others. The good news is that it gets better with age. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. The best meditation strategy for us was the roller coaster (take a finger on your right hand and "trace" each finger on your left hand. With each "up" you take a breath in, and each down, you release it. We often had to do it 2-3 times. And lots of times he just screamed and refused to do it, so that's normal too.) Also, just focus on keeping yourself as calm as you can. She will be like this despite all your strategies, so determine that it won't drag you down. I can give this advice now, but I definitely struggled at actually doing that back in the day.
Also, hard to tell from your post, but if it's related to giving instructions, I would break them down as small as posssible and as few words as possible. "undewear, shirt, pants" Then, "Good job! Now, socks, shoes!" But I'm not sure if that's the actual root of the issue.
Ugh, I feel like I'm already dealing with this with my 2 year old, not looking forward to it lasting through 3. But I remember 2 and 3 being pretty tough ages for DD1. I did a lot of time outs for her. She hated being alone, so if I left her alone for a few mins she would often be much more cooperative when I came back. It also helped me stay calm and avoid yelling at her to walk away and take a break. We switched up our routine so that she had to get dressed right after waking up, before coming downstairs. That way I had more time to deal with tantrums and I wasn't as stressed with it being so close to when we needed to leave for school. I could also use breakfast as a bribe (probably not the best strategy, but it is all about survival). Worst case I could pack her breakfast for her to eat at daycare.
I've learned with a lot of things to pick which battles are worth it. For instance, DD2 refuses to wear put on her coat in the morning. We are usually already late by this point. H will get so mad trying to force her to wear it. I just put her hat and mittens on (which she will wear happily) and bring the coat to daycare. The car ride is short and it won't hurt her to be cold (and maybe if she is, she'll learn to wear her jacket? <shrug> These ages are really hard, but it gets easier eventually.
thank you guys so much. Some really good ideas in here. scribellesam, I should have clarified--I do a million warnings for everything. "5 minute warning until TV time/clean up/get dressed" and repeat every minute. WE even ask if he wants us to be a timer or if he wants to set Alexa on his own, etc.
I am going to start thinking about this more with my husband and we will for sure be using some of these suggestions.
We saw a psychologist around age four for my younger daughter’s tantrums. I too had taken the “let’s talk it out and explain feelings and consequences etc etc” approach. The psychologist told me to cut all of that out, and just to completely ignore her when her behavior was less than what I wanted (as long as it was safe to do so). He said she was too young for the discussion, but that she could tell immediately that she was being ignored. He was right. The first few times, ignoring her in the middle of one of her episodes was really, really tough. But then very quickly, things got significantly better.
She still can get quite pissy now at seven, but we can usually manage it, and it doesn’t ruin the whole day of everyone in the family.
Post by sarapocalypse on Jan 19, 2021 12:32:57 GMT -5
We are in a similar place with our 2.5 year old DS. In the last few weeks he's really cranked up the tantrums. He has always been super laid back, but he is definitely entering the tantrum period now. His tantrums usually center around not wanting to go to bed. He can also be resistant to getting ready for daycare in the mornings, but I've very much taken a pick your battles approach to that and that seems to help. Working from home has definitely helped with this since we no longer have a very set time to get him to daycare. I've been able to give him the extra time he needs to get ready at his own pace. I dread the day we have to go back to a more rigid timeline in the mornings.
In the evenings though, I think we are all just tired and done, which makes it more difficult. His last several bedtimes have ended in tears, screaming, and throwing everything out of his crib.
First cut out the why discussion. He's in no state to logically even know why. Validating feelings is more sportscasting like "wow you're so mad right now! You don't want to get dressed" or whatever, not getting into the ins and outs of reasoning behind the feeling.
A visual schedule helps my kid with transitions. It's nothing pretty I do a word or two and a very rough stick drawing of the action. Then go over it before the routine starts (so like maybe when he wakes up), half way through, and then at the end and do a high five for getting through the whole thing so well.
Offer two choices for things he doesn't want to do. But real basic like do you want your red or blue underwear today? Do you want to turn off your show or do you want me to? And if no decision is getting made I give a three count and then I make the decision.
The consequence of him not getting dressed is that then you dress him. You could also start a sticker chart for when he does get dressed, and phase it out as he gets better.
One of things that helped us was keeping his routine the same every single morning, and using a visual story. We had a place that was his board and there was pictures of waking up, going potty, having breakfast, getting dressed, going to daycare, etc. We would look at it every morning and as we checked steps off we would show/remind him what step was coming next.
This is our life too. DD turns 4 this month...and she has some rough spells.
In the middle of the meltdowns, she does not want her feelings parroted back to her. Generally we just have to ride it out & then talk about those. Sometimes we really do just have to move through the actions while she's screaming.
I've found Dr Becky (https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyathome/) to be helpful & am making my way through her course on Deeply Feeling kids.
We saw a psychologist around age four for my younger daughter’s tantrums. I too had taken the “let’s talk it out and explain feelings and consequences etc etc” approach. The psychologist told me to cut all of that out, and just to completely ignore her when her behavior was less than what I wanted (as long as it was safe to do so). He said she was too young for the discussion, but that she could tell immediately that she was being ignored. He was right. The first few times, ignoring her in the middle of one of her episodes was really, really tough. But then very quickly, things got significantly better.
She still can get quite pissy now at seven, but we can usually manage it, and it doesn’t ruin the whole day of everyone in the family.
YES! I thought I was going to be the lone UO on here, but I honestly think there's too much emphasis in North America on talking everything through with kids and giving them a million choices. I am not a fan of that Janet lady. Any time I've ever tried to talk to A about her tantrum feelings, it just gives her attention and keeps her from pulling herself back together. It seemed to fuel her tantrums. And honestly most of the time her feelings weren't the result of some complicated frustration, they were the result of feeling a simple "fuck you" to her parents.
A is super strong willed and although we have not had to deal with physical antics, we found the best way to deal with her tantrums was to anticipate them and use sneaky tactics to stop them before they even started. We used a ton of reverse psychology or appealed to her competitive nature. "I bet you can't do X faster than me." "Oh, I don't think you even like carrots!" We also had her dressed as soon as she got up, which made it less of a transition to fight.
All this being said, hang in there. The tantrums improved dramatically after 4. 3.5 is so hard because sometimes there isn't a good natural consequence, but they're too young for more detached consequences like removal of privileges.
I would not try to discuss in the moment. 3 year olds are not rational and times of high emotions is not the time to be talking about feelings because they are not in a state to learn usually. Some things require firm boundaries- if it is time to get dressed and you are throwing a fit, that got one warning then a time-out in my house. We did one minute per year of age starting at 3. I tried to be consistent with specific situations- getting dressed to leave the house was definitely one. It needs to happen, no negotiation, Mama has to get to work! BUT- i would discuss it with DD later and have her help me set up some rules for that situation. Not too many, just one or two along the lines of “if i get dressed with no crying, i can have a xxxx” (some sort of breakfast food treat usually). And define the behaviors- a 3 year old might not understand “no tantrums” but you can say “no crying”, “no hitting” etc. if she did well, immediate reward and then so much verbal praise, and talking to daddy about how proud i am and the daycare teacher about how big she is getting and what a good helper, etc etc so she could be proud too. Also, think about how you could make the situation easier for all- can you get him dressed before tv/before leaving his room in the morning (this really helps mornings in our house, even at elem age)? Can he pick out clothes before bed for the next day? Can you stop tv 5 minutes before getting dressed so there are not two transitions at once and getting dressed doesn’t feel like it is taking away from tv time (does that make sense?) So an approach from both ends kind of deal: address the tantrum behavior with boundaries in the moment and discussing feelings/rules later. And set up opportunities for success by changing your approach to the situation to eliminate the challenging part and praising the hell out of the behaviors you want to encourage. Also, 3 year olds are rough, so much commiseration!
Post by keweenawlove on Jan 19, 2021 13:02:25 GMT -5
I'm here too and I don't have any consistent solutions.
On my WFD days, I usually let DD watch TV on the couch for a bit but she tends to have similar reactions to getting dressed ("want to stay home with mama, no school"). We've done star charts which seem to work for about 4 days at a time. Yesterday I shut off the TV and left her clothes out and let her sulk while I worked. She eventually got dressed, granted then refused to put her jackets on shoes on so I warmed up my car and just put in her under a blanket.
We've worked a little with a psychologist through our hospital's adoption program. She said sometimes when kids know someone precedes something they don't want to do (like brushing teeth right before bed when they don't want to go to sleep) they do everything they can to avoid that. She said try to do that thing earlier so they can still play/watch TV for awhile. It is semi-successful for us. She also said just saying "5 more minutes" isn't the best at that age because they know really know how long that is so setting a timer can be more effective.
- same routine every day - offer choices: “there are two outfits on your bed, you get to pick the one you want”; “you can brush your teeth in front of the bathroom mirror or while sitting on the couch” (toothbrushes are a HUGE struggle for us) - breakfast first - DD is a huge ass when she’s hangry. If you’re trying to get in the car and you’re running late, have things on hand to eat in the car like a breakfast bar or cheese stick or whatever - If I get dressed at the same time as DD, I say “let’s have a race!” and I make a huge exciting deal out of it so she’ll try to beat me
- talk out the routine and keep reminding her: “when you’re done brushing your teeth, we’re going to pick out your outfit”; “I need to brush your hair after you put on your clothes”
Agree that in the moment is not the time to ask him about WHY. He doesn't know. He just knows he doesn't want to. His mind is focused on fighting against that and he literally cannot hear you when you are asking him to explain. Find a time when he is not mad, go over the plan, have him repeat it back to you and then in the moment you can remind him of the plan you agreed on together. "It's time to get dressed. Shirt or pants first?" if he starts to throw a tantrum "I see you are mad. It's time to get dressed. Shirt or pants?" Then walk away. If time is of the essence, I just got good at dressing a screaming alligator.
I started to dress my kids as soon as they were up to avoid fights. They woke up, went potty, we got dressed. Weekends too so that everyday was the same. My kids aren't big sticker chart kids but it works for some. If he gets dressed without a tantrum for 5 days maybe you can go to a special playground or play a special game on the weekend.
Also make sure to really notice and praise when he does something you like. I still say stuff like "wow! Did you get dressed all by yourself?? Great job, high five!" I try to focus on the good stuff and water that rather than paying a ton of attention to the stuff I don't like. Not to say I ignore it, I just don't harp on it. Water the good stuff and it will grow.
My older son was so hard at 3, so I really empathize. I did so much just hugging him while he got his feelings out. They have huge feelings that come up so quickly that it scares them and then the reaction is just more out of control. It does get better ime. He's 8 now and does not throw tantrums like that anymore
You have my sympathies. 3 was the worst age for us. Do you think these are tantrums where he is in control of himself and is trying to manipulate you? Or do you think these are meltdowns in which he has no control and is like a wild animal? I think tantrums can be more easily fixed with improved parenting strategies, but meltdowns are things we probably can't completely eliminate, but we can improve the situation by adjusting our reactions to them and our own expectations.
My daughter had meltdowns. Ignoring and punishments did not work. I followed a lot of Janet Lansbury's (parenting expert) advice. She recommends an "unruffled" approach. So I would avoid all talk about feelings and would try not to let myself get emotionally involved in the meltdown. View your child like a wild animal at this time - he is not in a state where he can be reasoned with. But be there to support him. Show him that you see him - "You are really frustrated! You don't want to get dressed!" But then I would say we have to get dressed and he can choose whether he puts on his clothes or whether he needs my help. At that point, if he is still melting down or refusing, I would physically dress him if I need to. Once he is dressed, I would try to move on quickly to the next activity. It would be great if there was something to look forward to as the next activity. A special toy for the car? Listening to a fun song in the car?
I think Janet Lansbury would say that your son needs you to be his confident leader. Someone who is unruffled by his antics and helps him move through his day. Know that this is a phase, and as he gets older he will be able to better control his emotions and be able to get dressed without a fit.
This doesn't solve your whole problem, but on a practical basis - my kids all sleep in their clothes for the next day. After bath we just put on the next day's clothes. So there's no fight over getting dressed.
I personally wouldn't get into the "why" questions during tantrums. 3-year-olds aren't rational. You can offer them choices of this shirt or that shirt or whatever, but no use in discussing why he doesn't want to get dressed. I don't feel like getting dressed most days either
Thanks, everyone. This is really helpful. I do try to reiterate the feelings he has "I see you are feeling mad. IT is ok to be mad! I get mad too! But it is NOT ok to hit, or disregard directions or..." etc. And then we hug or I give him something soft to throw (a squishy) or punch (a pillow) so he can get his anger out. I also try to give him choices "do you want to get dressed or do you want me to dress you? Do you want to pick your own clothes or should I?" etc. It works great for things like turning off the TV and brushing teeth, but it does not help with the anger he has about going to school.
I think someone said upthread that he is likely acting out with regards to getting dressed because for us, it is the final step before going to school. He does GREAT with eating breakfast, brushing teeth, playing for a bit, etc. It is the getting dressed because from there it is the last thing before we head out.
I understand that asking why in the moment is not a good idea, thank you all for reiterating that. I guess the biggest question I have is how do I get him to not want to stay home with me all day? He LOVES being at school, he talks about his friends constantly. But he just wants to stay home with me, and ideally play and watch TV all day. UGH.
Post by awkwardpenguin on Jan 19, 2021 14:27:45 GMT -5
We did parent management training around 4 because we were having such a hard time with our daughter (still do, because she’s super challenging, but PMT helped a lot). I would recommend finding a class in your area. They are often called Triple P parenting or PMT, and there’s also an online version. It’s an evidence based treatment for behavior issues in young kids. I’ll also give a rundown of what we learned.
The foundation of the method is praising desired behavior at high rates, and finding anything that’s on the right track to praise. You want to catch them being good and praise the crap out of it. You want to say more than just good job, be specific about the behavior. “Look at you sitting so nicely in your chair” when he’s sitting nicely, even if he’s supposed to be eating breakfast but isn’t.
We were taught about “taking the no out” and finding a way to state your expectations positively. So instead of “stop running around the house” you’d say “I need you to use your walking feet right now”. And then as soon as he walks you praise the behavior you want. “I like how you’re walking like I asked”.
Next we talked about differential attention, or basically ignoring unwanted behavior as long as it’s not a health, safety, or property damage concern. So you ignore whining, and you say “the way to get my attention is to use a grown up voice” and when they ask for something without whining you immediately give them your attention, and praise the non-whining.
We talked about using positive reinforcement, mostly in the form of positive natural consequences. So things like “when you finish your breakfast, then we can watch a video while we brush your hair” or “when you brush your teeth then we can read stories” instead of “if you don’t brush your teeth I’m not going to read you stories”. They also encouraged the use of token rewards (an m&m, a sticker) for complying with a command the first time, and only the first time. This works best with a transition warning. So “I’m going to ask you to turn off the TV in two minutes, when you do it the first time I ask you’ll get an m&m” and then two minutes later “please turn off the TV now and you’ll get your m&m”. The token reinforcers are used for a specific targeted behavior and you eventually fade them out once the child is not struggling with that behavior anymore.
We learned more stuff and I could go on, but those are the basics that should work pretty well on their own. Basically you are not focusing on feelings, but on behaviors and setting them up to be successful. The really helpful part of the class was we could go through specific scenarios that we were having trouble with and come up with a plan. I felt when we signed up that maybe we were not struggling enough to really need the class, but it was totally helpful.
Good luck, parenting is stressful in the best of times and even harder in a pandemic.
Shauni, I think it's pretty normal for kids to want to stay home with us all day even if they like school. A is the same. She loves school, loves her teachers, but her preference would definitely be to stay home with me all day. I don't know that there's anything you can do to change that. We tell her very matter of fact "everyone has to go to school". Even though it's just preschool and that's not strictly true, lol. I think it helps her to realize this isn't something kids have a say in, and all kids have to do it. As she's gotten older I also tell her that "grownups have to work" and we talk about some of the things we do because we want to, vs things we do because we need to.
I would not ask to why he doesn’t want to go to school. You know he does and he’s not going to come up with a reason that lets him stay home so anyway. I would acknowledge his feelings but end it at that.
Make a visual chart. He gets a token to fill in a jar if he’s successful without a tantrum. When the jar is full he gets something.
Possibly dress him the night before? I have a friend who does that and it’s made her mornings way easier.
Talk to him the night before about how you expect the morning to go in extreme detail. Talk to him all the time about how you expect the morning to go. When it goes well praise, praise, praise.
I also try to give him choices "do you want to get dressed or do you want me to dress you? Do you want to pick your own clothes or should I?" etc. It works great for things like turning off the TV and brushing teeth, but it does not help with the anger he has about going to school.
I would narrow these questions down. Turning off tv or brushing teeth are more a one step process, while getting dressed is like 5 steps so it may be overwhelming making such a "big" choice. I'd do shirt or pants first, shirt X or Y, you put it on or I do...
Developmentally I think all three year olds go through a hating school phase. It's something about their brain figuring out that they are a separate entity from you and you are doing different things. I don't remember exactly now, but my mom has run a school for 30 years and has told me that almost every single three year old goes through a stage of having rough drop offs.
Also like a lot of things in life you can do everything right and things still go wrong. I feel like parenting is that times 1,000. You can do all the "right" things and your kid still doesn't listen or do what you want. In that case it's just the consistency and keeping up with doing the same thing every single time even when it seems like it's not working. One day it does suddenly click, and doing those things suddenly pays off.
Shauni, I think it's pretty normal for kids to want to stay home with us all day even if they like school. A is the same. She loves school, loves her teachers, but her preference would definitely be to stay home with me all day. I don't know that there's anything you can do to change that. We tell her very matter of fact "everyone has to go to school". Even though it's just preschool and that's not strictly true, lol. I think it helps her to realize this isn't something kids have a say in, and all kids have to do it. As she's gotten older I also tell her that "grownups have to work" and we talk about some of the things we do because we want to, vs things we do because we need to.
The bold is true for my DS too. He used to fight me a lot about preschool in the fall. He'd run away from the table/living room and hid in his bed. I home-school him (thanks COVID), but he's 4 and all 4 yr olds go to preschool. Period.
shauni27 when DS was almost 3.5 H and I started using 123 Magic which helped a lot. There were some days he practically lived in timeout in the early days of implementing that strategy. DS is now 4.75 and we still use it.
You have my sympathies. 3 was the worst age for us. Do you think these are tantrums where he is in control of himself and is trying to manipulate you? Or do you think these are meltdowns in which he has no control and is like a wild animal? I think tantrums can be more easily fixed with improved parenting strategies, but meltdowns are things we probably can't completely eliminate, but we can improve the situation by adjusting our reactions to them and our own expectations.
My daughter had meltdowns. Ignoring and punishments did not work. I followed a lot of Janet Lansbury's (parenting expert) advice. She recommends an "unruffled" approach. So I would avoid all talk about feelings and would try not to let myself get emotionally involved in the meltdown. View your child like a wild animal at this time - he is not in a state where he can be reasoned with. But be there to support him. Show him that you see him - "You are really frustrated! You don't want to get dressed!" But then I would say we have to get dressed and he can choose whether he puts on his clothes or whether he needs my help. At that point, if he is still melting down or refusing, I would physically dress him if I need to. Once he is dressed, I would try to move on quickly to the next activity. It would be great if there was something to look forward to as the next activity. A special toy for the car? Listening to a fun song in the car?
I think Janet Lansbury would say that your son needs you to be his confident leader. Someone who is unruffled by his antics and helps him move through his day. Know that this is a phase, and as he gets older he will be able to better control his emotions and be able to get dressed without a fit.
So much of this - when DD was that age I read her "No Bad Kids" book and taking this approach helped tremendously. Especially for my H, who did WAY too much "requesting" that DD do the everyday things she needed to do. "Want to get dressed now L??" rather than "It's time to get dressed, do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" It would go on and on with her refusing, he would get mad and yell and she'd burst into tears. Drove me insane. I kept reminding him "You're the CEO!" after reading the book.
My 8 year old would prefer to stay home with me too (he does now bc of covid and he loves it). My 5 year old goes to pre k and a lot of mornings says he wants to stay home. I don’t really play into it. I just tell him his job is to go to school, and what should we do when he gets home?” He picks a game to play or a show to watch for later and then he’s good to go.
When Ds1 was that age I told him that mommy has to go to work so he needs to go school and have fun with his friends. When he was around 4 I did the kissing hand thing with him and he seemed to be ok with that. I also put him in the car in his pjs once bc he wouldn’t cooperate and he was very upset about that.
My 4 year old went to school once in pajamas, a wet pull-up, and no shoes because I told him we were going to leave when it was time to leave whether he got dressed or not. I put his clothes in his backpack and put him and his clothes in the car.
Partially because I am a believer in natural consequences, but partially because he is strong and it would have been an ordeal to force him into his clothes and I couldn't be late for work that day.
YMMV but I don't think he'll ever do that again. He was mortified. His teacher said he immediately got himself dressed and went on to have a great day.
At that age I always used to tell my strong willed daughter I was going to throw the remote to the TV out the window/down our big hill where a coyote would eat it. It was the ONLY thing that worked (and only ~75% of the time).
Find his currency, the thing he really doesn’t want taken away, and take it away. Let him cry until he can’t anymore one time. My daughter still listens to me more than my husband cause she knows I’ll take stuff away.
That’s all for bad parenting advice from the internet. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.