Money talk and other important topics for aging parents

[mrsjrd23]

My mom is coming to visit in August and I'd like to sit down with her and get a better feel for her financial situation and estate planning to make sure she has everything in place.

She lives 2500 miles away, is single, 69 and still working.  She got a late start on retirement saving because she was relying on my dad's pension for retirement and he went ahead and cheated on her, they got divorced, he kept the majority of the pension and she got the house so we'd have a place to live. So she essentially didn't start putting money into retirement until about age 42 or so. 

I've been on her case to make sure that she gets a durable POA set up (which will be me or my brother) and I want to get a feel for where she has accounts and be in the know of where to find any important info I need should the need arise. 

As she gets older, I expect some cognitive decline as she has always had some mild memory issues and her mom had dementia later in life so I'd like to have all our ducks in a row while she still has all her faculties.  

Anyone have resources of where to find all the important info to know? 

Also tips for having these kind of conversations with your parent who is uncomfortable talking about serious life stuff in general. 

[ellipses84]

I know there are other posters who’ve dealt with similar situations lately and can offer great advice. Family members and I have been in situations where the right things weren’t done ahead of time and it really is a nightmare for those who are left behind to deal with it while they are grieving. Despite that, I literally had to nag my parents for years to get their will in order. POA and a will, even if she didn’t have a lot of assets, will help. For long term care/ finances, has or is she willing to sell her house and downsize or move closer to one of her children? Every state has a department / resources for aging, elders, etc. (called different things). This social services and there may be opportunities for free legal help. I recommend consulting an estate lawyer because laws vary in each state.

[aprilsails]

@dr.girlfriend posted this a few months ago. The tables can be filled out by people still living and would be super helpful in the process. I’ve saved the file to my Drive so I can ring this stuff up with my parents at a good time.

pandce.proboards.com/thread/615302/stuff-when-dies

[simpsongal]

I'd probably let her know you want to talk about these things before she comes. I know my mom can't speak off the cuff about such matters. Will you have an opportunity to visit her any time soon? In my experience, it's almost impossible to do a meaningful review and discussion of such things away* from my mom's home (in part b/c she doesn't use a computer).

Doing an inventory of what he has etc. may not be too difficult. Discussing her expenses, assets, spending, etc. may be more difficult (depending on what her financial condition is, and some people just hate discussing such things).

Good luck!

[k3am]

Apr 29, 2021 4:59:10 GMT -5 aprilsails said:

@dr.girlfriend posted this a few months ago. The tables can be filled out by people still living and would be super helpful in the process. I’ve saved the file to my Drive so I can ring this stuff up with my parents at a good time.

pandce.proboards.com/thread/615302/stuff-when-dies

My mom is in a pretty severe cognitive decline, and I sent this to my sisters (who are closer than me) to start pulling together information. It felt really morbid sending it to therm - we're not planning on her dying anytime soon! - but I figured it was a good way for us to at least have a starting place. 

[idahome]

I’m glad I saw this today.

My parents live with us, but I have no idea what they have prepared/not. They’re in their mid-to-early 60s, but health and ability I think they’re more like they late 70s. I have no idea what happens if one or both of them need to go to a nursing home, health care wishes, or even burial.

I need to tackle getting all this figured out this year, so this is super timely for me.

[picaflora]

I need to do this too. I know my dad has a lot of this info together, and where it's kept in the house - but I just realized I have no idea where he keeps the key! I could break open the file cabinet, but I'd rather not if I can help it.

I've also been told that I will be the one "in charge". Out of my two older sisters, neither would be well-equipped. I'm honestly not sure I will be either... but here we are. However, I don't know if he's taken the steps necessary to legally put me in charge (POA and such), nor where that paperwork is.

My parents are going on a cross country trip in their RV later this summer, so I may use that as a reason for a refresher on their details. I'm also going to ask if they've thought about or planned for things like where they would like to be buried or any other funeral arrangements and such. Both are in their late 60s with parents that lived to be in their mid 90s, but I'm thinking its a good idea to get the info while everyone is still in good health/sound mind vs trying to get it together in a crisis.

[simpsongal]

I think my DH's grandmother had a binder w/all her information, accounts, etc. organized. And she had walked through it w/DH's parents. That's my dream/goal!

Glad to see this topic on here frequently, I suspect it'll be discussed more and more as the median age on this board skews older.

[pearls]

So...I tried to bring this up to my parents when I saw the original post in April and was shot down. In late 2020, my dad was very ill with Covid. In the 10-ish minutes between when my dad agreed to be put on a ventilator to when they came to intubate him he frantically tried (through a oxygen mask) to tell my mom all about their finances (log-ins, pws, accounts etc) which she scribbled on the back of an old envelope, hoping she heard him correctly. Now that he's recovering, I carefully brought up how not good that was and how they need to start to put things together. They told me I was being a bit morbid and it wasn't something they enjoyed talking about so I'll just need to figure it out later. I said of course it's not easy, and no one enjoys it, but it's something that needs to be done, and gave the example of what if something had happened to Dad. They asked me to change the subject. So I guess I wait a few months and try again? Any other suggestions?

[livinitup]

My parents are financially stable and in their 70’s and absolutely refuse to discuss their finances. Even with each other. It’s insane. It took a few years of very strained conversations to get them to sign a will. Then my mom was “depressed” when she signed it. I mean, come on! I don’t have any magic words to get through to them. They act like it’s going to cause their death to have anything organized for anyone else to sort through.

[Cappy]

I'm in the thick of this right now. They are 75 & 72. There's dementia involved but not bad enough to get guardianship. They need to downsize and but can't agree on that step. They don't have financial resources or even a budget to know what they spend. I'm 3 hours away with small kids and a FT job. I keep hoping I'll find a good book with a checklist of where to start and what questions to ask to sort out their situation (downsizing/assisted care/nursing care/financials). They have a will and POA stuff but that's not what I need right to manage their current situation.