I know this is all terribly difficult for you, and I am sorry that you have to go through it.
Your son doesn't carry the same trauma though... he is going through his own journey with loss and grief, but your experiences with his father and these people are not the same as his.
From what you have said, he doesn't really know his father's family. Maybe if he goes and they show what awful people they are, he will know that they are awful, and he will be able to make more informed choices about his relationshipwith them going forward. If he doesn't go, and they treat him badly in the future, he may wonder if it is because he didn't go.
I know this is all terribly difficult for you, and I am sorry that you have to go through it.
Your son doesn't carry the same trauma though... he is going through his own journey with loss and grief, but your experiences with his father and these people are not the same as his.
From what you have said, he doesn't really know his father's family. Maybe if he goes and they show what awful people they are, he will know that they are awful, and he will be able to make more informed choices about his relationshipwith them going forward. If he doesn't go, and they treat him badly in the future, he may wonder if it is because he didn't go.
This is why I’ve acknowledged countless times that I’m trying to keep my baggage and nerves out of this- I know his experience isn’t either of ours, and why I’m trying really hard to give them the benefit of the doubt despite my gut feelings. I wouldn’t have bought the tickets in the first place otherwise, and that’s why I continue to talk with him about it daily and work through whatever it is that he’s nervous about. Trust me, it would’ve been a lot easier to say “ok! We’re not going!” and have that be the end of it.
I just keep coming back not being comfortable forcing him if it comes down to it. Today at least I feel like he’s willing to get on the plane, which is a step in the right direction (and could absolutely change 436x between now and when we leave).
DS has absolutely zero knowledge about any history of my relationship with xILs. I don’t know what he knows about his dads history with them.
From what you have said, he doesn't really know his father's family. Maybe if he goes and they show what awful people they are, he will know that they are awful, and he will be able to make more informed choices about his relationshipwith them going forward. If he doesn't go, and they treat him badly in the future, he may wonder if it is because he didn't go.
I don’t understand why a 7 year old needs to have first hand experience with how awful part of his family is.
Also whoever said that this would be something they could use against me to say I was keeping DS away from his dads family - I don’t doubt for one second that they would say this, given the opportunity. xMIL already suggested something along those lines when I let her know he was having some second thoughts as a heads up. I’m certain they have a very long running list of things they can’t wait to tell him as soon as they have an opportunity. And that’s fine, I can’t control that. All I can do is what I do on a daily basis and be comfortable going to bed at night.
Is there any way you can change the flights to a better time? I think you are cutting it way too close. It is not unusual for flights to be 2+ hours behind schedule, and if you get in only 2 hours before it starts, you may miss the whole thing. I think flying in the night before and leaving later the day of the event, or early the day after, would be less stressful for everyone.
I think being tired is a factor for a kid because this is already an emotionally difficult situation, and adding in the fact that he's still pretty little and will be running on little sleep AND will have to interact with a bunch of people he doesn't know AND those people aren't going to be particularly sensitive to him and his feelings... I think all of that together is a lot. He will likely be exhausted and overwhelmed, and that's assuming that you aren't also rushing and stressed because your flight is late.
It's also not a funeral. I don't know what happens at a memorial service/celebration of life but do you have an idea of what will be done? Is there even an actual service or is it just a get together?
I thought this was more a memorial than a funeral?
I truly didn’t realize how many people see these as interchangeable. That’s absolutely not my experience, and possibly why I am/have been thinking about it differently?
It is a memorial/“celebration of life” (their terminology), NOT a funeral. It’s at a lodge, and there is no burial/ceremony associated with it. The family already spread his ashes (again, without including us or sharing where - I have the coordinates thanks to a sibling who obtained them surreptitiously for me; xILs said they would provide them to DS themselves when he was older/they deemed appropriate).
Is there any way you can change the flights to a better time? I think you are cutting it way too close. It is not unusual for flights to be 2+ hours behind schedule, and if you get in only 2 hours before it starts, you may miss the whole thing. I think flying in the night before and leaving later the day of the event, or early the day after, would be less stressful for everyone.
I think being tired is a factor for a kid because this is already an emotionally difficult situation, and adding in the fact that he's still pretty little and will be running on little sleep AND will have to interact with a bunch of people he doesn't know AND those people aren't going to be particularly sensitive to him and his feelings... I think all of that together is a lot. He will likely be exhausted and overwhelmed, and that's assuming that you aren't also rushing and stressed because your flight is late.
It's also not a funeral. I don't know what happens at a memorial service/celebration of life but do you have an idea of what will be done? Is there even an actual service or is it just a get together?
We live in BFE so unfortunately have really limited travel options. We could’ve driven 2 hours to a larger airport with direct flights, but the timing still would’ve been awful. We also really couldn’t budget a multi day trip right now, for a variety of reasons including another small child at home (who I would not be comfortable bringing to the actual event) and my H being unable to get additional time off (he took time off when the death actually occurred and then to get away with ds for a few days a few weeks later).
I also don’t have any idea what the actual event is going to look like. I do know that XH closest sibling is NOT attending because of things that went down within the family during planning (sibling told me directly and was very apologetic about not being there to support us, but I completely understand).
I thought this was more a memorial than a funeral?
I truly didn’t realize how many people see these as interchangeable. That’s absolutely not my experience, and possibly why I am/have been thinking about it differently?
It is a memorial/“celebration of life” (their terminology), NOT a funeral. It’s at a lodge, and there is no burial/ceremony associated with it. The family already spread his ashes (again, without including us or sharing where - I have the coordinates thanks to a sibling who obtained them surreptitiously for me; xILs said they would provide them to DS themselves when he was older/they deemed appropriate).
I am so sorry that they did not include you and your son in the spreading of the ashes. That is ugly and selfish and illuminates that your son is not their priority.
I would go and be ready to leave if they display any behavior that is anything, but kind and loving. You and your son (and your own family) can arrange your own special memorial service so he can honor his father in his own way.
I truly didn’t realize how many people see these as interchangeable. That’s absolutely not my experience, and possibly why I am/have been thinking about it differently?
It is a memorial/“celebration of life” (their terminology), NOT a funeral. It’s at a lodge, and there is no burial/ceremony associated with it. The family already spread his ashes (again, without including us or sharing where - I have the coordinates thanks to a sibling who obtained them surreptitiously for me; xILs said they would provide them to DS themselves when he was older/they deemed appropriate).
I am so sorry that they did not include you and your son in the spreading of the ashes. That is ugly and selfish and illuminates that your son is not their priority.
I would go and be ready to leave if they display any behavior that is anything, but kind and loving. You and your son (and your own family) can arrange your own special memorial service so he can honor his father in his own way.
I keep wanting to offer to be waiting outside with my car ready to help them make a quick exit. I know that sounds insane but the more I hear about these people, the more anxious I get for OP and her son. Shitty family dynamics suck so, so much. But, ste, I'm free that day. I'm well known and a trusted IRL of many on this board.
I'm feeling really defensive about this, but yes, yes, yes, and yes. Without regrets.
Welcome to shitty family dynamics.
Same.
Some of these responses are shitty.
I had a great relationship with my mother and I would have gladly skipped her funeral. Not everyone needs a funeral for closure, etc. Not everyone gets something positive from a funeral.
I had mixed feelings about attending my bio dad's funeral when I was 20. It was a very similar situation because he had died in Alaska and this service was in MO without his ashes. There were similar fucked up family dynamics at play. A close friend drove across country to come with me to the funeral and I chose to stay in my college city until the day of because it was also my birthday (thanks fucked up family) and I had extremely complicated feelings. As it happens, I missed the funeral anyway because a tractor-trailer truck overturned blocking traffic/closing the highway for four hours. I lost my mind about 100 times during those hours and my friend was there for every minute. I kept thinking I was missing getting closure and by the end it was like, WTF is closure anyway?
I tell you this story for a few reasons. 1) I was almost an adult and I couldn't figure out what I wanted or needed. 2) I don't think there is a "right" answer and 3) More than 20 years later, honestly the only thing that gave me "closure" on the man was time. I don't think those three hours or whatever would have changed anything.
The most important thing is your kid knows you are there for him. That's what I remember from the day of my dad's funeral - that my friend was with me every minute - and that's what will stay with him.
I'm mad as hell that this mom is trying to shield her kid from people who sound abusive, people who've never taken an interest in him before, and it's being twisted as not going because "funerals aren't fun." Fuck.
Post by somersault72 on Jul 26, 2021 9:03:57 GMT -5
I personally wouldn't talk him out of it, but I wouldn't push hard if he doesn't want to go. You are a WONDERFUL mother and I know you'll do the right thing whatever that may be. Your son is so lucky to have you.
A couple y'all need to read the room, read some prior posts or SOMETHING. This isn't a regular "should I take my 7 year old to a funeral?" or even "should I take my 7 year old to his dad's funeral?" situation/post. It is SO much more complicated than that. Jeez.
I personally wouldn't talk him out of it, but I wouldn't push hard if he doesn't want to go. You are a WONDERFUL mother and I know you'll do the right thing whatever that may be. Your son is so lucky to have you.
A couple y'all need to read the room, read some prior posts or SOMETHING. This isn't a regular "should I take my 7 year old to a funeral?" or even "should I take my 7 year old to his dad's funeral?" situation/post. It is SO much more complicated than that. Jeez.
I think the second part is so important. Everyone is quick to advise, and some are quick to judge, but I would guess that many don’t know/remember the backstory. It’s very complicated and there really is no right/wrong answer here, and it’s certainly not clear enough to judge someone about it.
@ste, you’re doing a great job navigating through the impossible. Remember here that no one knows your whole situation. It’s obvious that you love your son and only want what’s best for him…and I think he knows that. 15 years from now, when he reflects back on this situation, I believe the lasting feeling will be “my mom was doing the very best she could with the information, time, and resources that we had available.” He may look back and wish he had done the opposite (regardless of which way the decision goes)…but that doesn’t have to mean regret. It’s human nature. He will likely look back and just remember how much of an incredible support you were for him when he lost his dad, even though his dad had caused so much hurt in your own life. You’re making everything about HIM, not you…and that is something he will remember forever.
So glad to hear that you’re on your way home and that there was no major drama. I hope the trip gave you some extra bonding time with your son and helped him take a step towards healing.