Need to vent/need some reassurance

[AJL]

i want to validate your feelings and tell you that you are not a fool. You were lied to and your partner deceived you. He broke your trust and that is extremely hurtful. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this right now.

I want to echo another poster who recommended taking some time to think about this and let heightened emotions die down. This might be a good time to find a therapist for yourself to help you work through your feelings and formulate a plan on how you want to go forward.

I think your non-negotiables are spot on. You are fully within your right to request that he agree to these things. 

I don't have any advice on what you should do, i.e. stay or go. I think you know your relationship and yourself better than any of us here do. But what ever you decide, you have my support. 

Virtual hugs to you!

[childofhiphop]

Hugs. Big hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this. It completely sucks. (From my personal experience).

You are NOT a fool and you did nothing. THEY betrayed you. However you feel, whenever you feel it, is completely fine.

You also have the right to change/edit/amend your requirements for either of them.

I would add in addition to the other comments, I would not be comfortable with them having any communication and shutting it down is completely down - not rerouting communication to another medium.

Take care of yourself too.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Just want to say that I'm really sorry.

[macmars45]

I'm so sorry for the hurt your H caused you.

You are not a fool. Your H betrayed and deceived you.

[mbcdefg]

I’m sorry he did this to you. It’s not your fault that he made these choices.

[hocus2]

Your husband was having a virtual affair. It might have been physical as well. You may never know. Given that another app was involved (likely one with encryption) things were concerning enough for them to think about hiding it from you and from her partner. So they knew fundamentally what they were doing was illicit.

Right now he's sorry he got caught and may be he's sorry about the whole thing but it might not be the case. He might have loved the trill of it all or have genuine feelings for this person.

The next steps are for YOU to figure out what you want to do. Therapy might be a good first step but you will not make the decision about your marriage in the next few days. You need to both process what happened but also understand why YOU want, what he wants and if it is possible to move forward in this marriage given where you both are.

[Gato]

You are not a fool. He is a liar. Feel free to be angry at him about that as much as you want; that's appropriate. Do not turn that anger on yourself.

Because your husband sounds like he wasn't fully honest with you when you found out, and because he didn't end it with the woman, but just deleted an app, I don't think he sounds at all ready to deal with this in a fully honest way. I also highly doubt that what you found is the full extent of what has been going on. Your plan sounds good, but personally I would be very firm that you are ready to kick him out, and then do it if he doesn't comply with your plan in any way. I think space would be best for you right now. Huge hugs!

[Bernadine]

I’m so sorry. I never posted here (I’m a ML regular), but my h had an affair. You’ve received some great advice here, and your plan going forward sounds completely reasonable.

One thing I do want to warn you about is the “trickle truth.” My h only initially admitted to an emotional affair, but it came out pretty quickly that it was also physical. We worked through the book The New Monogamy, and the exercises were helpful for us. We also had marriage counseling. The first counselor wasn’t a great fit, and a few months later, we found a counselor who was a better fit.

You will experience SO many emotions, and they’re all ok and normal. I never thought I’d be someone who stayed with someone who had an affair, but right now, I’m happy I did. I won’t say our marriage is stronger, or that it made our marriage better or anything, but I do love my h and I’m happy with our life overall. We’re about 2 1/2 years out.

Please, feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk. I’ll be thinking of you. ❤️

[bcv513]

You are absolutely not a fool. You trusted your H, and that's something you should be able to do. It's easy to judge someone else and say you absolutely know what you would do in that situation. But until you're in it, you really have no idea.

I think your plan sounds great. Individual counseling and marriage counseling are beneficial no matter what ends up happening. I tried exactly what you are planning. We did not stay together, but I know that I tried everything I could and gave it my best shot. That alone went along way to helping me find peace.

[Pilsy]

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice that hasn't been offered, just wanted to offer my support.

[mcppalmbeach]

I’m so sorry this happened and especially that it makes you feel in any way badly about yourself be good to yourself, take space if you need it this weekend.

[longtimenopost]

Oh boy. Hugs. I am about 2.5 months from where you are now, but it was a 2 month physical affair with a coworker who had also been to my house and met my children. We are still in crisis. However, my takeaways so far include the following: 1) you are in crisis. feel the feelings, but no long term decisions need to be made right now. 2) he's probably in a shame spiral right now. Understand that he's spent weeks, months, years doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to justify this to himself. it is unlikely he will turn on a dime, but that doesn't mean the enormity of what he's done won't hit him. Nothing you can say will make this hit him any sooner. if you scour infidelity resources you may come across a good deal of talk about "true remorse," just know he may not be able to show it right now, doesn't mean he can't in future. 3) I was angry, but the root of my anger is pain. Devastating pain, trauma, and fear. Start therapy immediately with someone who specializes in infidelity. 4) you are on the right track with your questions, it's not about the what (though you do need to know the extent/how far it went) the WHY is more important. He WILL NOT have real answers to this until he does the work, with a therapist. Hint: it's not about you.

So far, the resources I've jived most with are the youtube channel Affair Recovery and the book The State of Affairs by Ester Perel which was recommended by my counselor.

[AE123456]

Thank you all so much. Truly. I am still honestly just so stunned. The suggestions and advice are so appreciated.

I am 99% sure that nothing physical happened, just based on simple logistics, but I'm honestly afraid if I ask...will he really be honest?

I'm just going to try to make it through the weekend without losing my mind.

[Bernadine]

I was so stunned, too. It’s just the worst feeling.

[mouse]

I’m so sorry. Personally, I have seen couples work through this, I fully believe it’s possible to do. But honestly, more often, I’ve seen couples try and fail.

I’d say that the couples who work through it have a few things going for them: to start, the one having the affair came clean and took responsibility for it, took steps to make their partner comfortable, worked on rebuilding trust in the relationship, honest communication about what they wanted in their relationship, and willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

My worry is that you’re not off to a good start on that. Blaming her, not being honest about shutting it down, etc are not going to get you where you need to be. He might come back from that, but think about what you need and take honest stock of whether he’s moving that way or not.

You don’t need to make any decisions or sudden changes now. You do need to protect yourself. Make sure you have copies of important financial documents, move some money into a separate savings account if you can. Hopefully you’ll never need them, but if you do, you’ll be glad you prepared. Protect yourself emotionally: get your own therapist asap, or an emergency appointment if you already have one. I can understand not wanting to involve people in your mutual circle, but you need a sounding board and emotional support right now. He can’t be it.

I would ask for passwords and access to his accounts. You can also ask your phone company for text records and see if they were texting, how often, etc. You don’t have to read everything if you don’t want to, but you deserve to know if he’s telling you the truth.

[mouse]

Also, you’re not a fool for trusting someone you love. He’s worse than a fool for betraying the trust of someone who loves him. This is not on you, these were his choices.

[simpsongal]

Just chiming in to say I’m so sorry he did this to you. Lots of good advice in this thread.

[ae812]

(((HUGS)))

Fellow AE chiming in that I created when I discovered my spouse was cheating in January.

First, I'm so sorry this happened to you...the pain is unreal. You are not a fool, you did nothing to cause this, this is not your fault. These horrible actions are the fault of your husband. 

Second, if you think it would help there is a wonderful website for those who are victims to infidelity. It's called survivinginfidelity. com. Even if you never create a post there, it's so helpful to read advice and support from people who are dealing with these exact same things. I'm about 2.5 months out from discovering my husband's first physical affair, and over the last 2.5 months have discovered another physical affair and 2 other emotional affairs involving explicit photos....this website has been a source of support and comfort.

Third, I hope this isn't pushy advice but if he hasn't done so yet he must send her a "no contact" message. He must tell her that their communication/relationship/friendship is over and she is not to contact him again. If you two reconcile through this he absolutely can't have any contact with her again.


Again I'm so so sorry, no one deserves this. I sending you strength and love.

[mrsslocombe]

I'm so sorry.

Personally, I find that I need some sort of physical activity to just get out the rage. After one bad breakup, my roommate took me to a nearby gorge and gave me rocks to throw and scream and it was honestly the best thing anyone could have done.

Or a hard work out, throw paint on a canvas, make some bread dough you can slap around (kneading dough is oddly cathartic). As much as talking to someone can help, sometimes you just have excess energy you need to burn off somehow. Once I spend that anger, my mind seems more clear and I can think logically through the next steps.

[pearls]

I'm an infrequent poster but wanted to say I'm so very sorry, and you're definitely not a fool at all. Please repeat that to yourself as many times as needed because it is important that you don't feel like this is on you for having any of the feelings or thoughts you're having.

As others have mentioned, take your time, there is no timeline regarding the ups and downs of infidelity, whether it's emotional and physical, or one or the other. For me it was 10 years ago with my first H and yet I remember the awful feelings so vividly. What is important now is to try to figure out what you want and need, for you. Not for him.

I would echo other posters, try to be emotionally prepared for the potential trickle truth. From experience, it's horrible as the spouse hearing just bits at a time over and over, but is common. Also, another poster pointed out, unfortunately your H did not shut it down if she was still reaching out. It took my ex-H months to shut things down after I told him to, which was unknown to me, so I'd prepare for that possibility of him not being ready to take the actions you need when you need. Hopefully your H gets it together quicky now, but I wouldn't make any decisions quickly and would think through what you need from your H and marriage to move forward.

Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.

[jlt19]

I’m really sorry that your husband put you in this awful place.

[suzubell]

I’m so sorry. Just offering my support.

[mrsukyankee]

I have no further advice as there's some good stuff out there. Sending all the hugs.

[hermione]

This advice will be unpopular but I would add telling her husband to my list. I know many people think there is no benefit to that but I would absolutely want to know if I were him. The danger is of course that he may make it public.

[eddy]

I am so sorry.

I want to empower you to ask for space if that would be helpful. Tell him to leave for the weekend, week etc. Allow you to process without also having to navigate emotions.

Also this will be his responsibility to fix. Not yours. That goes from logistics of setting up appointments to being truthful with you.

Take care of yourself.

[winecat]

I’m so, so sorry. You are not a fool. If you live in Colorado and want to meet up, please let me know. I’ve been in your shoes. Big hugs.

[fernweh]

Apr 2, 2022 6:50:06 GMT -5 hermione said:

This advice will be unpopular but I would add telling her husband to my list. I know many people think there is no benefit to that but I would absolutely want to know if I were him. The danger is of course that he may make it public.

I don’t have opinion on this either way. However I will say I knew two couples in a pretty similar scenario to this. The wife that wasn’t involved told the husband that wasn’t involved and they were able to use each other as a good support system.

I have no other advice. Just I am sorry you’re going through this OP. I hope you can find some peace regardless of what you decide.

[heygrey]

I am so so sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t have any advice just support and love. There are so many wise women here, please lean on us as much as you need.

[lilac05]

Apr 2, 2022 7:45:21 GMT -5 eddy said:

I am so sorry.

I want to empower you to ask for space if that would be helpful. Tell him to leave for the weekend, week etc. Allow you to process without also having to navigate emotions.

Also this will be his responsibility to fix. Not yours. That goes from logistics of setting up appointments to being truthful with you.

Take care of yourself.

I think this is good advice. It doesn’t have to be a “kick him out/ditch the MFer” type of thing, either. Just “I need some space so I can process everything. Please respect that and find somewhere to stay for [whatever time you think you might need].” That will also give him time to process what is happening, and I think it will help you both more clearly see what you want/need to do at this point.

[wise_rita]

Apr 2, 2022 6:50:06 GMT -5 hermione said:

This advice will be unpopular but I would add telling her husband to my list. I know many people think there is no benefit to that but I would absolutely want to know if I were him. The danger is of course that he may make it public.

Riiiiiight before your post I wondered if the husband knew.  He deserves to know, especially since you know the guy and may be friends.

I'm also interested in knowing your child/housing/career/financial situation.  How realistic would it be to GTFO?