Need to vent/need some reassurance

[Patsy Baloney]

I’m sorry he dragged you into this mess. That was crazy selfish of him. You’re not a fool - he is.



Argh, I’m an asshole. You’re not looking for advice…so here’s my huge list of advice 😂 stop here and know you’re doing fine. This will be hard, but you’re doing fine.

****

My best advice I have is to not war with yourself over what happens next. There’s nothing wrong with you. You likely had some idea of how you would react in your relationship if you ever found something like this. You may find that you aren’t reacting that way. That’s fine. You didn’t know then what you know now.

Be careful with “pain shopping”. I’m like you - I wanted to know. The truth will come, usually in that awful trickle like Bernadine already mentioned. But there’s a difference between, “We were sexting,” and “this is exactly what I said.”

You can’t “unknow” things, so be careful.

Some advice I received: be careful with couples therapy. The wound may be still too fresh and if your partner isn’t at a point of accepting responsibility, it may be extremely frustrating.

I would start with individual for him. Maybe for you if you want it. I did a few months because I was in crisis and needed a floating device for a bit. I felt more in control after that. We never did couples therapy because I didn’t want a blame game to start and I didn’t want one more thing on my plate. I was dealing with enough. My H worked on himself and, after many months, his work seemed to be enough to make our relationship better without outside guidance.

Talk to your partner about who needs to know. My H told his mom what was going on without my knowledge. It was torture for me. I never wanted our family to know because I was embarrassed and did not want them making judgments about me based on the actions of who I am married to. After that, any talking that happened was a mutual decision. He was fine with me telling my best friends for support.

I also have 100% access to everything now. Phone, tablets, etc. When I was still reeling, I checked the history and device activity every day. I was open about it. There was a lot of objection from my H. I didn’t care. He wanted me to trust him. I could not. Now, I check if I have a feeling, and that feeling thus far has just been a little piece of me that’s feeling tender and scared. I’ve never turned anything up once the full truth came out. I don’t live as the police, but I did for a while for my well-being.

It’s a tough road. Be gentle with yourself. It’s a rollercoaster. You’re going to love. You’re going to hate. You’ll feel horrible and fine. It is all part of this road you’ve been dumped on.

What a dickhead. I’m sorry. What an idiot asshole. But I hope your partner is someone who will do the work for you.

[spinnaker5]

There are two fools (to put it mildly) in this situation, but neither one of them is you. Please be kind to yourself.

[picksthemusic]

Adding that I'm sorry you're going through this. We are here for you.

[goldengirlz]

I’m so sorry. Sending strength and support as you navigate the road ahead.

[krystee]

I found inappropriate conversations early in my marriage and it worked out, but one of the reasons is he immediately gave me full access to everything, apologized profusely, took full responsibility, and scheduled individual and marriage counseling before he even got home from work that night and was 100% dedicated to fixing it. It still took me an incredibly long time to feel like I should trust him again, and I was really angry that he took that sense of peace that I’d once had away from me.

Don’t feel like you have to rush into any decisions either way, but do hold him accountable. The onus is on him to fix it, and you should not have to do all the work and come up with all the solutions.

[AE123456]

Thank you all again for your words and support. It is so, so hard to not feel like a total idiot right now.

We had a very, very, very long talk Friday night. I said I wanted the truth all out on the table right then, and I didn't want to still be learning new shit two weeks from now. I asked him first if he wanted to stay with me, because if the answer was no, I wasn't going to bother. He does. The whole situation is so utterly fucking stupid. It has been going on longer than I would have guessed. Nothing physical, and I do believe that (thanks to logistics of our locations and the fact that he can prove he was home one weekend I was gone). It was ended Friday morning. He answered every question I asked (and yes, in the back of my mind was a nagging voice saying 'but are you sure he's not lying now?' Which no, I don't, but IDK what to do about that now. He knows if I catch him lying about any of this I'm gone). He has stopped talking to her completely, he has said I can look at his phone/email/texts etc. whenever I want, and he agreed to couples and individual counseling.

I honestly thought I would be screaming and livid by now, but I'm still just so fucking numb. So I'm going to set up my and the couples counseling (I have already hit the OOP max on my insurance, so it makes more sense financially to bill it to me), he's going to handle his own shit. I told him just to give me some space and time right now, and back off, which he is respecting.

To answer a couple other questions - no kids, good financials, I could easily GTFO if I had to/wanted to.
I am not going to tell her husband. Their marriage is a damn dumpster fire, neither I nor my husband are friends with him, and she made the choice several years ago to stay in that dumpster fire. She can handle her own shit in that mess. I'm not interested.

[onomatopoeia]

I'm sending so many hugs your way. One day at a time. I can't think of anything else to say that would be helpful (that other posters haven't covered), except that this sucks and you don't deserve any of it. I hope it at least helps to get some of it off your chest here in this space.

[neverfstop]

Just wanted to say thanks for the update. I'm glad you are doing OK & I hope your marriage is on the road to recovery.

[mrsd2006]

Hang in there and just take it day by day.

[Pom]

Thinking of you and wishing you peace on your journey forward.

[leshoequeen]

Just chiming in with support, the others have given you great advice. Sending you healing, peaceful thoughts as you move forward.

[pixy0stix]

Whatadick. I'm sorry. I hope you can heal in the coming days/weeks ahead.

[aecep]

You are not a fool. You have every right to be LIVID. You are exactly right that he should have shut that down, AND she is a huge betrayer.

I have been going through something similar and have allowed myself to get confused because he says all the right things desperately and I have a lot of love for him.

I say stick to your non-negotiables. Trust your gut. And my unsolicited advice:

Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
- Contact an attorney
- Get all your financial paperwork in order before it can "disappear" or passwords can get changed.
- Identify deadlines for yourself if he begs to work it out but his actions don't follow his words.


I'm so sorry you are going through this. It SUCKS and is something nobody should have to ever expect to experience.

[Michelle]

I'm so sorry to see you experiencing this - and so many others too who have shared helpful information.

I agree with the posts about getting your finances in order. My mom nearly got screwed out of a lot of money during a divorce because of excellent scheming by her ex between the first time she caught him cheating and when he planned to exit the marriage (which was when his youngest graduated from HS, it seemed).

Everything isn't all about money, but having that secured will help you feel more confident no matter what you choose.

[Patsy Baloney]

Yes, above all else, protect yourself.

I’m really sorry but glad you’re putting one foot in front of the other. Hang in there.

[aliciabella]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please be kind to yourself.

[sonrisa]

Apr 4, 2022 11:03:10 GMT -5 AE123456 said:

 It is so, so hard to not feel like a total idiot right now. 

I know everyone else has said it - but don't (here's hug instead)

Anecdote time: I've been in a relationship where I was constantly vigilant because I wanted to know the minute any funny stuff happened. I was sure that I was protecting myself by doing that. You know what? Yes, I knew the moment it happened. But all that vigilance and knowing? It didn't actually protect me or make me feel any better. It all still sucked. And in some ways I squandered the better parts of those years "being ready" rather than just experiencing them. 

So let go of the "I feel like an idiot" because (1) you are NOT and (2) the other option doesn't feel any better and actually sucks during all the parts of a relationship that do work. I'm not saying you can't go forward vigilant. That is a different matter. But trusting your partner for all these past years *before* he showed himself to be an ass? it is a credit to you and your ability to be the better person of the two of you, not a sign you were an idiot. 

[bronxgirl]

I'm sending you virtual hugs and a virtual martini.

[mrsukyankee]

Hugs, AE123456.

[idahome]

Good luck to you as you continue working through and processing everything.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

[wise_rita]

On this somber note does anybody have an update on capscapscaps?

Maybe she was more on ML but from what I remember the situation was similar.