Need to vent/need some reassurance

[AE123456]

Hi all - long time regular/poster, but for fairly obvious reasons, don't want to put this under my real board name.

I'm totally going to be the cliche person saying "I never thought this would happen to me."

Last night, I saw a text on my iPad that I didn't recognize. I clicked on it, scrolled through, and realized it was a text thread between my husband one one of his long time friends - like, they became friends in high school and we are currently 44 long time. What caught my eye was the nude selfies she was sending him. 

It looks like his texts started going to my iPad Monday (we share an iTunes account, but never have had this issue before).

I immediately confronted him. His response:
1. I know this was wrong
2. She has been going through a weird time/having issues, and it's a self esteem thing for her. I thought she would get it out of her system and it would be over. 
3. I have no good explanation
*I asked how long this had been going on: "Too long"
*I asked why he didn't shut that shit down immediately: "I don't know. I should have."

So all of his answers completely fucking suck, and in no way do I think even one is approaching acceptable, nor am I willing to even entertain one of them as being acceptable. I am so stunned and furious. I told him last night I didn't know what the fuck to even say or do at this point.  It was midnight at this point, so I basically just turned my back on him and stared at the wall for a really long time.

He ultimately said he was sorry that I got hurt in all of this, but he never said he was sorry he did it, or sorry that he didn't stop it immediately. He said he would shut it down in the morning, and I said tonight. Shut it down tonight. He said he did. At 4:50am this morning, I saw a text from her come through asking if something happened to his account, because she tried to message him in that app and it wouldn't go through. So there's clearly another thread somewhere.

I know this woman. She's married. She came to our wedding. I considered her a friend. I don't know what the fuck she was thinking.  I don't know what the fuck he was thinking. I don't know why the fuck he didn't shut it down immediately, but also played in to it. I read through all the texts this morning, and there was also some sexting back and forth. 

I'm just...I don't even know what to think. I cannot even begin to describe how betrayed I feel right now. I'm pretty sure I know how the responses will go here, and I'm not necessarily looking for advice, unless you think I need to add something to what I'm putting below. 

Here are my thoughts going forward:
1. Fess up to everything. I don't necessarily want to see it, but I want to know where it all is.
2. Marriage counseling
3. Individual counseling for both of us
With none of that being negotiable. I am willing to walk out if there is any pushback on that. I'm also not ready to really talk about this, because I am so fucking mad, I realize that if I say something in anger there is no taking it back, and I don't want to do that. 

Can you all please tell me I'm not a total fool? 

[Velar Fricative]

Of course you are not a fool! He betrayed your trust. I'm so sorry. I think your next steps are sound, and I wish you the best.

[bears]

You are not a fool at all. 

Right now, I'm sure you are confused and the steps you posted sound like good ones. I would also require that he provide me with access to everything, at any time, no questions or resistance. You may or may not want to look at anything, but having access to it will give you peace of mind.

[neverfstop]

I'm really sorry. that sucks and it's awful. You are not a fool at all. You are being more calm and cool than I would.

I think that's a good start, but if this all happened last night...you may want some more time to reflect on it, sleep on it, let the emotions calm down, maybe confide in an IRL friend that can be your support and sounding board?

Do you want to address their relationship going forward? Can they remain friends? Does he need to cut off all communication? Do you need to confront her? Just thinking about setting up boundaries going forward.

[sofamonkey]

First of all, I am sorry this is happening.

I am wondering if the messages were reciprocated by your H? Is he flirting back as well? Not that the presented information isn’t shitty enough, but I am trying to formulate a response (aka gauge my anger level for you).

[AE123456]

Apr 1, 2022 9:32:25 GMT -5 neverfstop said:

I'm really sorry. that sucks and it's awful. You are not a fool at all. You are being more calm and cool than I would.

I think that's a good start, but if this all happened last night...you may want some more time to reflect on it, sleep on it, let the emotions calm down, maybe confide in an IRL friend that can be your support and sounding board?

Do you want to address their relationship going forward? Can they remain friends? Does he need to cut off all communication? Do you need to confront her? Just thinking about setting up boundaries going forward.

I really thought about this, but right now I'm not comfortable with it. My IRL friends are either a) his friends as well and in some cases, friends with her as well, or b) know him.  At this point, I just don't want this info out there with anyone in real life.  Maybe at some point, but not right now. 

I am definitely going to say something to her. 

[eponinepontmercy]

You aren't a fool. Take some time to breathe. Your requests are fair and reasonable.

[wanderingback]

Why would you think you’re a fool? He did something totally out of your control. You did absolutely nothing wrong!!!!

I think all your next steps sound great. Wishing you the best for whatever outcome you want.

[Bad Dingo]

From the outside it's easy to say 'burn it all down and kick the mfer out', but in reality I think your plan sounds very reasonable.

Some additional thoughts -
1. Like pp said, what boundaries do you want to set w/regards to the "friend"
2. I'd insist on an STI test

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is not your fault and whatever decisions you make are what you need to do for yourself.

[AE123456]

Apr 1, 2022 9:39:39 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

First of all, I am sorry this is happening.

I am wondering if the messages were reciprocated by your H? Is he flirting back as well? Not that the presented information isn’t shitty enough, but I am trying to formulate a response (aka gauge my anger level for you).

Definitely reciprocated. I can only see back to Monday, but I would also say it looks like he was requesting them. 

[TR]

I am so sorry you're going through this. You are absolutely NOT a fool. I would give yourself a day to reflect and sit with this and sort through the various emotions of anger, betrayal, sadness, etc. It's a lot. I think your steps sound reasonable, but I don't think it could hurt to take a beat to make sure it's what you want to do so that you feel confident going into a conversation with him and he can't gaslight you into questioning your feelings/decisions.

[erbear]

You are not a fool. None of this is your fault. It is 100% him. Your non-negotiables are more than reasonable. Good luck to you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[dove]

I am very sorry. I cannot even imagine this double betrayal.
You are not a fool and this is not your fault.
You’ve gotten some good advice here

[shauni27]

oh goodness, I am so sorry. I am reading the updates you posted and I would feel so hurt and betrayed. None of this is your fault.

I will be thinking of you.

[aspentosh]

I'm so sorry. And I hate that you think you could be the fool, when you've done absolutely nothing wrong in trusting him (and her).

I think your plans going forward are good, but I also agree with setting boundaries. He'd need to be an open book from this point forward for me, but it's really up to you and your comfort level.

[wildrice]

Ugh, I am so sorry! That hurts so much. You are not a fool, for having this happen or for wanting to work things out.

I hope he will be able to give you more satisfactory answers and clarity than that. I guess I'm glad he's not making excuses, but he's going to need to examine himself a bit more than "I don't know why I did this".

I agree it would be good for you to take some time and don't feel like you have to commit to any particular solution right now. I understand 100% jumping into problem solving mode (I do the exact same thing) but you don't have to stick with your current plan if something else sounds better later. It's a lot to take in and process.

Big hugs to you.

[acr]

I am so sorry you're in this position. It is heart breaking. I discovered something similar on my XH's ipad years ago. I was furious and hurt, but willing to work it out if he could acknowledge that what he did was wrong. That never happened. He had reasons, but never admission of wrong doing.

My point of view is - there is no wrong way to proceed here and no need to make quick decisions. This is not your fault. Actions like this are a reflection of how he feels about himself and how he copes - it's not because of any failing on your part.

[sugarbear1]

I am so sorry.
You do not need to make any decisions right now; in fact, the timeline should be entirely up to you. You can decide in a day or in a year or in 5 years that this is too much.

I think your plan moving forward is reasonable. I think it speaks volumes that his apology was a non-apology and that you recognize it as such. I would press him on that.

[underwaterrhymes]

I just want to say I’m sorry. You will get responses all over the map on how you should handle and only you can decide what is right for you. I definitely suggest therapy for you alone in addition to any couples therapy you do or do not pursue.

[midwestmama]

I'm so sorry. You are not a fool and you did nothing wrong - when you think you are in a healthy, committed relationship, this is something completely unexpected.

You are being so reasonable given the situation, and I think others have given you great advice. You said you are willing to walk out, so you may want to consider contacting an attorney, at least for a preliminary consultation. No need to rush your decisions, as others have said too.

[suburbanzookeeper]

You're not a fool. My ex-H did this with a friend he had since middle school and was a friend within his/our social circle. She attended our wedding. I had asked for stronger boundaries and was told I was crazy when I confided in a close mutual friend.... I wasn't.

Your non-negotiables are reasonable. For me, personally, I needed to know *how* deep it went to feel like I could make a sound decision.

I'm so sorry. <3

[muffin0]

You are not a fool.

You have a good plan.

But also - you can be fucking pissed. You can say things that you feel, fuck that shit. Your anger and feelings are valid.

And I’m sorry “shutting it down” does bit mean just deleting an app.

She should not have had to message him “why is the app not working” he should have SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN, with zero confusion about what is going on.


This would piss me off just as much as what happened.


He did not shut it down, that does not count.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I don’t know if I could ever fully trust someone again, but that’s my issue not yours.


We are here if you need anything.

[lilac05]

You are not a fool. I think your non-negotiable requests are more than fair. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. This is not your fault. It’s not your job to protect what others think of his actions and how they reflect on him.

I hope that you’re able to find a trustworthy friend who you can share this with. When you’re ready, consider who that person is carefully. If you’re not in “burn it down” mode (which is perfectly fine), then you’ll want to go to a friend who will be supportive of that instead of jumping on the “Ditch the MFer” train, which won’t be helpful with where you are at this time.

[pumpkin]

You are not a fool.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also didn’t tell anyone IRL what was going on for a while so I can understand this. Know you aren’t alone - we’re here for you. If you ever want to chat or talk feel free to PM me.

[sofamonkey]

Apr 1, 2022 9:44:41 GMT -5 AE123456 said:

Apr 1, 2022 9:39:39 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

First of all, I am sorry this is happening.

I am wondering if the messages were reciprocated by your H? Is he flirting back as well? Not that the presented information isn’t shitty enough, but I am trying to formulate a response (aka gauge my anger level for you).

Definitely reciprocated. I can only see back to Monday, but I would also say it looks like he was requesting them. 

Thank you for answering. I hope you didn’t feel under the microscope or that your feelings were invalid at all. That was not my intention.

I read your reply and my stomach dropped. As PP said, you’ll get a wide variety of answers. The only right one is what you’re comfortable with. It is your life, and none of us have to live it.

However, since you asked opinions, I’ll give you mine. I don’t think you’re wrong. And your feelings are all valid, not matter what they will be on any day. Whatever you feel like you should ask for is what you should ask for. And I’m so sorry you are hurting. Please take some time to yourself if possible to process things as you can. We are here for you.

[snorky]

You’re not a fool, your feelings right now and in the future are completely valid. I went through similar with my now XH, you will be on a roller coaster most likely. Give yourself grace. Screenshot everything and forward it to a place where he cannot access it.

[somersault72]

You are NOT a fool. You did nothing wrong! If we didn't trust our spouses at least a little when we got married, I doubt we'd marry them in the first place. Your requests are more than reasonable. What you decide to do is up to you--there's no wrong answer here except for not doing what you feel comfortable with. So many answer these posts and have never been through a situation like this. Even those that have--what works for one person, doesn't work for everyone. I echo all the posters who are saying whatever you're feeling it's valid and it's OK. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Wishing you all the best. <3

[Jalapeñomel]

I’m sorry this is happening. You are not a fool and regardless of what decision you make, that’s the best one for you.

I hope you can find peace in whatever you decide.

[sugarbear1]

Also, I would insist on SDI tests for both of you.
Can you trust him that this did not become physical?

[taratru]

I can't add anything that hasn't been said, I just wanted to say I'm sorry this has happened. I hope you find peace no matter what comes.