I can empathize that it feels like there is no end in sight. It is a lot on your plate. I have a countdown in my head for when I think there will be a smidge of an end in sight, that countdown is still 2 years from now. Though I am not necessarily the higher earner (I'm not sure which one of us makes more), my solution has been to stop caring for pretty much everything except keeping the kids alive and fed. I do the bare minimum or just not do a lot of things which is a tough battle because I'm used to doing ALL the things. I take anti-anxiety and depression meds from my psychiatrist. It really helps not feel burdened by the guilt for saying "no" to stuff. Throwing money wherever I can at solutions even if it means I make less money or don't save as much overall right now. And absolutely your spouse has to take on some of the mental and physical burden of the kids too whenever he can. If that means 24/7 daddy duty on the weekends and whatever else he can contribute on the weekdays to make your life easier, then that's what it has to be for a while. And a while can mean years until your son is older.
Too much stress can lead to illnesses for you. I am quite certain that highly stressful life situations for 4 continuous years lead to my body shutting down in a medical emergency 6 years ago. And the stress levels didn't go down by that much since that event so now I'm ending up with more medical issues. If taking medication for anxiety is a viable solution, you should really explore it.
Two ideas came to my mind. First, hire a lawn service to mow. You said your H does it and you have a big yard, so I’m guessing that takes an hour or more on weekends. Instead of him doing that which is easy to outsource, have him take care of the kids so you get a break. Easier than hiring a babysitter I bet!
Second, have him take the kids OUT on the weekends. Taking care of the kids is exhausting and since you have to do all sick days/dr appts during the week, he needs to give you a break on the weekends. My H always says I should go out to get alone time, but honestly I much prefer being alone in my own house. I can catch up on stuff or just veg/rest in the quiet. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, he will take them to the zoo, the childrens museum, or visit his parents and give me at least a half day alone. It is very helpful to recharge for me, and honestly, him spending the time alone with the kids makes him appreciate what I do more and he usually ends up more helpful afterwards.
Hugs, you’ve been through a lot. I hope the end is in sight soon.
You need more childcare. You’re a high earner with a high pressure job in a global pandemic with small children. I don’t think the question is daycare versus a nanny/sitter. I think you need both during these early years under these wild circumstances without family help. what if you offered 15 hours / week guaranteed at an hourly rate slightly higher than FT candidates earn? I am sure you could fill those hours in a “normal” week and would NEED them during a quarantine. (Our sitters are fine watching healthy kids who have been exposed and are testing negative; something we discuss up front). If you have the means, throw money at the problem and re-evaluate in a few months to determine sustainability. I wouldn’t necessarily stress about turnover if you have multiple layers of childcare.
Two ideas came to my mind. First, hire a lawn service to mow. You said your H does it and you have a big yard, so I’m guessing that takes an hour or more on weekends. Instead of him doing that which is easy to outsource, have him take care of the kids so you get a break. Easier than hiring a babysitter I bet!
This is a good point!
We hired a lawn service for the first time this year. My H has always mowed the lawn (we have a small lot so it doesn’t take much time, and he actually likes doing that kind of stuff). He didn’t want to hire a service. But with 3 kids (including two that are 3 and under) and 3 jobs between the two of us, it’s just too much right now. Maybe we will reevaluate in a couple years.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Jun 11, 2022 7:04:06 GMT -5
Every time you post about your situation, I shudder. It just seems untenable to me. Not that that’s helpful to you, but I see you and how hard you are trying to make “it all” work.
I agree so much with wanderingback that I think I would revisit the med situation, even situationally. Meds will not make you lose focus, it will help you quiet the noise so you can focus better on what’s in front of you.
In the short term, I would throw money at whatever you possibly can. Lawn care, mommy’s helpers, whatever gets you over the hump. This won’t be forever. Now that your ds has had covid I assume he will not have quarantine exposures? I’m not sure how the rules work in other states.
Your situation and daycare are terrible! I know you have been doing a lot of home improvement projects since you moved. I would stop those. Just more crap to manage and work around and think about. You can wait a year. Anything you don't have to do, don't do it.
I also agree with doubling up on childcare - friends that have jobs with lots of hours/not a lot of flexibility have both daycare/school and a nanny/au pair. It’s the only way they can possibly manage. One couple also has a housekeeper/manager who does grocery shopping, errands, etc. These people wouldn’t need to be full time, but even 2-3 hours a day would make a huge difference for you.
This is all temporary, in 2 years it will be more manageable but with a toddler in daycare there’s going to be lots of illness and you just don’t have the flexibility.
Also agree to outsource lawn care and anything else so that you and your H can get some downtime alone and with the kids on weekends.
I’m sorry you are struggling. I don’t disagree that you have a lot on your plate and have had to deal with A LOT. However, I’m not sure that it’s truly all situational and that getting the 3 yo vaxed will be the magic bullet. Your post history has been wrought with stress even pre-Covid. Your mother’s death, the family Thanksgivings after her death, the 5987 issues at your daycare, the selling house/moving, and those are just a few highlights off the top of my head. All of those are/were very real, stressful, and some of them truly sad situations. No one argues or denies that. Your feelings and stress are real and valid. My point is that it will always be something and you need some help. Yet, you seem resistant to the most obvious suggestions - nanny/babysitters and meds. I encourage you to give yourself some time (ha! I know you don’t have any!) to think about this— if meds or therapy have the possibility of helping me is it worth trying? I can decide that I don’t like them/don’t want to continue at any time. Sometimes, we need time to sit with an idea that we don’t like initially.
This is a valid observation that the last few years have been acutely stressful, even outside of just covid stress, and there isn't going to be one fix to all of it. I also work in a high pressure profession, and that is a constant. My entire work life is deliverables that have to be completed on deadlines that have no flex whatsoever to account for illnesses/family needs/etc. I've spent my whole career with no PTO because we have "unlimited PTO" with all its drawbacks, mainly, that I'm never "off." It's an unforgiving environment in which to live, let alone raise young kids during a pandemic.
I guess part of my resistance to meds and nannies and so forth, is that those solutions prioritize the demands of my career in ways that don't necessarily reflect what I want out of my life. I would rather my work life takes a step back, rather than hiring more help to accommodate my work life. I just haven't been able to figure out how to make it happen. There are both client issues and internal issues involved, and some of the problems are hard to solve. I keep trying, and thinking I see a point when it will ease (mostly through delegation of work to my team) but then I keep getting more work. Repeatedly in the last year I thought I saw a future time when pressure would ease, only to have the line pushed out because the client wanted to expand the scope of the engagement. I am growing my team, and I have a fantastic new associate on it, and I do hope for that to help in time. I am also learning slowly to manage a team better. Bottom line though, I have a role that is hard to contain to business hours, even though I keep struggling against that. I like the role, I don't like that aspect. It's a difficult conflict to resolve.
Last year at my physical my doctor told me to get back to running, because at the time I hadn't run in about 3 months, not once. (This was in July, after we'd bought our new house in May and moved in June.). My weight was not up, but my mental health was a mess, and I was surprised to have a pre-diabetic HbA1C, and anemia. The physical manifestation of the stress and sedentary lifestyle were a wakeup, and I took his advice seriously. I committed to making sure I worked out at least once every single week, no matter what. Initially I stuck to an every other day regimen as tightly as if I were taking a medication. Honestly, it was medication. Since the first week of August, I haven't missed a week. Not when 3/4 of us got a stomach bug, not when 3/4 of us got covid, not the week before Christmas when moms of Santa-age kids are going insane, etc. I've had an ongoing hip/back issue that plagues me with running, but when I can't run I sub something else in.
My HbA1C came down, I got out of the pre-diabetic range, I have felt and slept better, and I pulled myself out of a mental health crisis zone. Basically, everything got just enough better that I feel like... if I could just do it a little more, it would help even more. But then we get back into that "just a little more..." "It'll get better when..." and there is a lot of that going on, on multiple fronts at once. Running doesn't solve the direct time conflict between work and kid illnesses, it just does for me what people seem to describe meds as doing. e.g., better sleep, better focus, more calm, and I know what to expect in terms of side effects (mostly nagging old injuries, lol). The temptation/belief that I can and should be able to solve this on my own has been hard to overcome.
I agree that we need more sitters. It's easier for me to do it for down time than for more work that I don't really want to be doing in the first place. The last time we went out to dinner without the kids was January 2020, the last time we went away for a kid-free weekend was March 2017! My ILs used to cover monthly date nights, but they faded away. We never filled the void, partly due to the pandemic, partly due to the lack of bright line of "we're not really doing this anymore" but we need to. We may also need help in the evenings, I think I need that more than mornings. When H was WFH, things were easier. We're only about a month into H being at the office, and the dust is still settling. I'm switching to WFH on Mon/Fri now, so the dust is settling on how that will help, and soon DS will be at daycare near home. Yesterday took me a full hour RT to run to pick him up midday -- that killed me way more than it had to. After 6/24, his care will be 5 minutes from home.
So there are definitely lots of stressful problems, and we're working on a variety of stress-reducing solutions. It's hard to know when it's enough or what's right to add and when. I will continue to seriously think about it all though.
Post by outnumbered on Jun 11, 2022 9:42:46 GMT -5
Susie , I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.
In your response to cricketwife you say: "I guess part of my resistance to meds and nannies and so forth, is that those solutions prioritize the demands of my career in ways that don't necessarily reflect what I want out of my life. I would rather my work life takes a step back, rather than hiring more help to accommodate my work life. "
I think that you need to reframe that way of thinking and really examine why you are resistant to change/solutions. Meds and nannies and so-forth would have a positive effect on your whole life, not just your career. You need the support and that does not make you weak or a failure.
I’m also going to echo meds. I recently started taking Lexapro after resisting for way too long because my anxiety was situational and when this or that happened then I was going to do better. After my anxiety ruined my experience on a family vacation, I realized that I needed to address it with meds. Things are much better for me. I still don’t think I’m completely on the right dosage and it’s not magic, but I can function and the doom feeling I used to feel when obstacles, appointments, kid’s illnesses, etc. come up, now feel manageable.
ETA: I saw your post about running. Part of my resistance to meds was that I felt so much better when I was exercising regularly and if I could just get to the gym more often then I don’t need anything to alleviate my anxiety. I still think that exercise could take the place of meds for the most part, but in this stage in my life it’s unrealistic to go to the gym 5 days a week.
I have a lot of empathy for your situation because it is hard AF and really, really sucks. I think you can imagine an ideal solution where your career is flexible enough to handle these and so it’s hard to accept an alternate solution that isn’t the “best” or “ideal.” Medication did not change the situation, but it made it so the situation wasn’t as overwhelming to me. It helped me have more grace for myself and others when things were bad. Therapy is also very helpful in identify underlying needs / trauma and how they influence my response in my current life.
I’m sorry you are struggling. I don’t disagree that you have a lot on your plate and have had to deal with A LOT. However, I’m not sure that it’s truly all situational and that getting the 3 yo vaxed will be the magic bullet. Your post history has been wrought with stress even pre-Covid. Your mother’s death, the family Thanksgivings after her death, the 5987 issues at your daycare, the selling house/moving, and those are just a few highlights off the top of my head. All of those are/were very real, stressful, and some of them truly sad situations. No one argues or denies that. Your feelings and stress are real and valid. My point is that it will always be something and you need some help. Yet, you seem resistant to the most obvious suggestions - nanny/babysitters and meds. I encourage you to give yourself some time (ha! I know you don’t have any!) to think about this— if meds or therapy have the possibility of helping me is it worth trying? I can decide that I don’t like them/don’t want to continue at any time. Sometimes, we need time to sit with an idea that we don’t like initially.
I guess part of my resistance to meds and nannies and so forth, is that those solutions prioritize the demands of my career in ways that don't necessarily reflect what I want out of my life. I would rather my work life takes a step back, rather than hiring more help to accommodate my work life. I just haven't been able to figure out how to make it happen.
So make it happen.
But don't kill yourself doing so.
It's really hard to thoughtfully reorganize your life to better align your career/lifestyle with your values when you have zero breathing room to get through the day.
Short term solutions can help you better achieve your long term goals. Use some of that money you work so hard for to create a more balanced life for yourself.
Susie, are you otherwise happy with your job? I mean really truly.
So many people I know that have felt the way you do have gone in house and seem so much happier not having the same kind of client/billable pressure. They still work long/busy hours but it’s different. (It’s something I’m always weighing/considering myself). I’m sure you’ve already considered this option, but just wondering.
I’ve been in your shoes over much of the past few years. I’m usually reading your posts and nodding along. I don’t have a magic solution, but am managing things better in spite of the same, constant pandemic and child care stressors.
When my mental health hit a crisis level this winter, I decided things needed to change. I reduced my work to part-time. We can’t really afford it with inflation, but we’re making it work for now. I’m still working 30 hours/week and probably juggling more than I was before. However, I’m now juggling for reasons that better align with my values. With a reduced workload, I’m better able to shift and get my work done when illness, quarantine, and life occurs. When things are running surprisingly smoothly, I’m enjoying the extra time with my kids and H.
A few things I’ve done differently: - Let go of anything that isn’t work, my immediate family, or otherwise beneficial to our mental and physical health. No more PTA, volunteering, favors to others when I don’t have time, and we say no to at least half of our social invites. If it’s not a “Hell Yes”, it’s a “No”. - postponed major home improvement projects. We desperately need/want a new kitchen. We’ll survive with what we have until the kids are older. No need to add extra stress right now. - designate time for me to catch up on work and/or personal life stuff. H is off on Fridays and that’s my overflow day. I don’t schedule work, but often use the time to catch up if child-related things come up during the week. I also use the time for household/personal logistics. Scheduling, paperwork, chores, etc. If H wasn’t available, I’d pay for childcare. - move my body and go outside daily. - go to therapy regularly - added buspirone for anxiety. - my kids are in limited extracurricular activities.
Stepping back at work has been the hardest thing. I enjoy working and career growth. There will be a time when I can refocus on my career. Raising small kids during a pandemic is not that time.
Susie , are you otherwise happy with your job? I mean really truly.
So many people I know that have felt the way you do have gone in house and seem so much happier not having the same kind of client/billable pressure. They still work long/busy hours but it’s different. (It’s something I’m always weighing/considering myself). I’m sure you’ve already considered this option, but just wondering.
That is something I've been thinking about more and more lately. I haven't applied to any in-house positions since I was a senior associate, and haven't even seriously looked since I've been an equity partner. But I have been trying to figure out what the future looks like.
We are currently in the early stages of negotiations for the next round of buy-ins. Currently, two founders own 41.75% each of the roughly 25 year old firm, and then there are three of us that own 5%, 5%, and 6.5% each. The idea was for the founders to sell an additional 5% to each minority partner roughly every 5 years as the founders gradually wind down their involvement and retire. We closed on the first round in Jan 2017, so we're now overdue for the next one. it's not going smoothly though, not least because the founders have made a couple lateral hires to counsel roles recently that are compensated on better terms than what minority equity partners have been capped at. None of us are happy or willing to buy more until things change.
At this point I could either work through the negotiations and buy more, and try to change things, or sit at 5% and basically KOKO, or sell my 5% and become a counsel on the terms they've offered other laterals (I'm confident they would let me do it before they'd let me leave with my business) and give myself permission to not GAF about the internal matters, leave for another firm, or leave for in-house, possibly at one of my current clients. I think I would chafe under corporate structure after so many years in a pretty flexible work environment, but I'm chafing here under other issues, so... IDK. At this point I'm kind of waiting to see how the negotiations go. Short term, the counsel option would be the easiest "out" for my current stress, but IDK if I'll regret it.
"I guess part of my resistance to meds and nannies and so forth, is that those solutions prioritize the demands of my career in ways that don't necessarily reflect what I want out of my life. I would rather my work life takes a step back, rather than hiring more help to accommodate my work life."
This is what stood out to me. You are resisting help because you prefer your job to be different. But, it's not different. It's just not. I think accepting that reality would be a good first step. And stop fighting it/ reality.
If you are a partner at a law firm then you need help. A LOT of help. And you need to understand that. And if you don't, the only one you are hurting here is yourself.
And if you want work to be different you may have to make some very drastic changes that perhaps cause a reduction in income and losing your equity. And I am not sure if you ultimately want to do that. These might be questions to explore in therapy and with a career/ executive counselor. DH uses both a therapist to bounce work frustrations off of, and his executive career coach helped him become unstuck and move forward.
He meets with both virtually, so other than a phone call or video chat every 2 weeks he isn't losing any time from the appointments. The career coach was temporary, and the counselor he just checks in with monthly at this point.
ETA- I was resistant to housecleaners and nannies for a while because I grew up in poverty for part of my life. Housecleaners and nannies were for rich people, and I wasn't rich. (Even if I were rich, I still wouldn't think I was rich because I grew up in poverty). I finally got over that, and had a housecleaner when the kids were babies. And the nanny, I had because the pandemic forced me to do so, and there was no way I could have made it through e-learning without them. I know lots of people have summer nannies too which are basically just college students or older teens that are out of school. I figure it's no longer a "thing". It's just something I've done. I've done babysitters, daycare, a nanny, and private school (pre-school) and public school. I've experienced it all, and that's OK. It doesn't mean anything. It just is part of the parenting (and maybe working parenting) experience. No big deal now that I've done all of them. It's more like oh that's what that is like- shrugs shoulders. I had built it up WAY more in my mind than what having an actual nanny meant. And, I actually worked less when I had a nanny because prior to the pandemic, I did 5 days a week at work and the kids were in day camp/ school 5 days a week. But with the nanny, to keep costs down I worked 4 days a week (with a flexible job). I realize that isn't possible for you to work 4 days a week, but having a nanny did not mean I worked more in my situation.
Post by lemoncupcake on Jun 11, 2022 16:48:59 GMT -5
I totally understand your desire to have a life where you have more time for yourself and your family. My only advice would be to get whatever support you need for your situation right now - then you can have the breathing room you need to make your next steps, whatever those turn out to be.
PDQ: One reason I have stayed in biglaw instead of other options is because my firm lets me work an 80% reduced hour schedule (and I’m on counsel track now. Partnership isn’t feasible for me with my H’s even more demanding career). I know that working in house would not be as flexible and I certainly couldn’t work an 80% schedule, at least not starting out as a new employee. So I’m holding onto that flexibility for now, even if the volatility of private practice litigation with young kids sometimes kills me.
BUT, even at 80% time, I really do not think I could have survived in my job and bill the hours I needed to bill if I were dealing with all of the daycare cancellations that you are. I’m sure in a normal non-pandemic world, daycare would’ve worked much better for you. So you’re correct that a lot of it is very Covid situational.
On the other hand, all of the female parent partners I know have a LOT of help. Either a stay at home spouse, or a nanny, or daycare plus extra evening babysitters, etc. And this was in pre-Covid times.
So if you do stay, I think you may just have to accept a certain level of lighting money on fire to make your life easier, at least until your kids are older. Your mental and physical well-being and health are worth it.
I just want to remind you that you can’t do it all, your health (mental and physical) are important, and that you only get one life. The past two years have been soooo hard, and you have had situations that have made it even harder. And there will be more challenges ahead.
So I do think it is worth the time to think about: is this really temporary, what do you truly value, and what brings you energy. Have those guide your decisions.
I have one more thing to say and you probably aren’t going to like it, but maybe it will help you somehow.
I personally have found you to be consistently resistant to advice that you receive here over the years. That might not seem fair, just my personal observation.
You can choose your attitude and you control more in your life than maybe you realize. Do things suck but you wouldn’t want to change anything? Then embrace the suck! Do you want to be seen as the person who does it all? Then embrace the satisfaction in that. Do you just want hair pats? Ask just for that. Sure, some situational things are being done to you (your family had covid). But there is also a lot you can control, maybe more than you are willing to admit.
Life is a mix of choices, luck and opportunity. Control what you can.
First, I want to say that I do not know ANYONE, of all the local and online moms I know, who has had as rough of a quarantine situation as you have. This isn’t normal and you shouldn’t have had to deal with it. It isn’t fair. Pour a glass of wine and have a good cry and then maybe make a list of the things in life that are most important to you, the things you most want to make time for, and what you want your life to look like in five years. What decisions will get you all of those things? A different career path? A high school kid playing with the kids for an hour while you work out five times a week? Your H scheduling one PTO day a year where he bangs out alll the appointments at once to get that stuff off your plate? All of the above?
Susie , I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.
In your response to cricketwife you say: "I guess part of my resistance to meds and nannies and so forth, is that those solutions prioritize the demands of my career in ways that don't necessarily reflect what I want out of my life. I would rather my work life takes a step back, rather than hiring more help to accommodate my work life. "
I think that you need to reframe that way of thinking and really examine why you are resistant to change/solutions. Meds and nannies and so-forth would have a positive effect on your whole life, not just your career. You need the support and that does not make you weak or a failure.
Yeah this. Maybe start with therapy? People are trying to be helpful but you are resistant to any suggestions. Which is fine, so are you really asking for help/suggestions as you posted? Maybe therapy would help you sort those things out. Lots of therapists have online options now so you can do therapy at home.
I agree that we need more sitters. It's easier for me to do it for down time than for more work that I don't really want to be doing in the first place. The last time we went out to dinner without the kids was January 2020, the last time we went away for a kid-free weekend was March 2017! My ILs used to cover monthly date nights, but they faded away. We never filled the void, partly due to the pandemic, partly due to the lack of bright line of "we're not really doing this anymore" but we need to.
I don’t want to pile on, but yes, you absolutely do and I’m glad you realize this.
I haven’t been on a TON of solo dates with my H since covid started, but I have been on them. Summer is a great time to do this if you want to remain covid cautious - outdoor dining!
Admittedly, I have family help so I don’t always have to hire a babysitter - but we DO sometimes hire our nanny for extra babysitting if family isn’t available, or other local babysitters. I consider it an investment in my relationship.
Care.com and local neighborhood FB mom groups are your friends. I’ve seriously seen so many recent posts from moms in my local FB group saying something along the lines of “my daughter is out of school for the summer and looking for occasional babysitting jobs, PM me!” If you don’t feel comfortable with going out for date night with a brand new sitter right away, then try a mothers helper “trial” babysitting day first. Summer is a great time to start. Start now.
We are a two lawyer house too, but in-house and fed. We both have a lot more flexibility than either of you seem to. Does your husband have a sense yet of how tightly he is going to be managed? Are they “do your work however it gets done” kind of people or strict “9-5 butts in seats and we will ride your ass” types? (Is your husband in court every single day?) At this point in your careers, I feel like you both should command some respect for getting the job done without having someone breathing down your neck about how you do it. (However we’ve never done firm life and I know that’s a different animal.) But some leniency there could give you flexibility to deal with the kid or dad stuff as it comes up, (though I would still agree with nearly everyone else about enlisting additional help for the kids). I certainly know deadlines are deadlines and am facing a huge, somewhat stressful batch of them myself right now, but it makes a big difference to my morale when I have leadership backing my flexibility.
And I really hate to suggest this because you don’t need more to think about, and this would be a lot, but have you thought of eventually opening your own practice? Maybe when your son gets a little older? That way you could control the flow of your work and only take what you want and you wouldn’t otherwise be at the mercy of these guys who don’t seem to treat you super well. Again I’m not at a firm, but I don’t think it necessarily has to be like this.
Post by KellyEasterbrook on Jun 12, 2022 13:14:30 GMT -5
I’m in a very similar situation (no family within 2000 miles, breadwinner with more flexible job, though my job is less stressful than yours) and you’ve had some great advice here. Personally, I’ve held off on home renovations (and we’ve got carpeting from the 80s and a kitchen falling apart from the 60s), said no to any volunteer work, accepted the fact our yard will look shit for the foreseeable future, made sure I don’t volunteer for extra work or responsibilities at work, and accepted any possible childcare help, even if short term. I’ve had major back pain since DD was born and started making physical therapy a priority again. Not being in constant pain has also drastically improved my mental outlook on things.
I’ll emphasize that additional childcare help is crucial. Even a short term nanny is SOMETHING. Maybe look into an au pair of you are that opposed to short term nannies. Sadly, I doubt things will vastly improve once your three year old in vaccinated. My toddler’s nursery class has only had one shut down for Covid in January and no Covid-related quarantines since then. DD has still missed over 60 days this year because of all the various non-Covid bugs and viruses going around.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jun 12, 2022 14:06:23 GMT -5
“I guess part of my resistance to meds and nannies and so forth, is that those solutions prioritize the demands of my career in ways that don't necessarily reflect what I want out of my life. I would rather my work life takes a step back, rather than hiring more help to accommodate my work life. I just haven't been able to figure out how to make it happen.”
This is exactly the thing a good therapist can help you sort through.
With babysitters, lawn mowers, house cleaners and possibly medicine to help as you go.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Jun 12, 2022 14:20:12 GMT -5
It doesn't seem like it's just about not wanting to prioritize work that much. You won't say no to the huge holiday expectations your dad has. That is totally optional stuff that most stay at home parents don't do, let alone most working parents, let alone people with very time consuming jobs.
Is there other stuff like that? That's the kind of stuff that's worth examining why you are resistant to changing when it would clearly help your overwhelm.
I hope in your partnership negotiations you are aggressive. You've said you bring in the most business or bill the most hours or something. Don't agree to unfair stuff. Use your current position of power to get a big bump in salary/benefits/whatever to put you where you should be as the top producer.
Susie , are you otherwise happy with your job? I mean really truly.
So many people I know that have felt the way you do have gone in house and seem so much happier not having the same kind of client/billable pressure. They still work long/busy hours but it’s different. (It’s something I’m always weighing/considering myself). I’m sure you’ve already considered this option, but just wondering.
That is something I've been thinking about more and more lately. I haven't applied to any in-house positions since I was a senior associate, and haven't even seriously looked since I've been an equity partner. But I have been trying to figure out what the future looks like.
… I think I would chafe under corporate structure after so many years in a pretty flexible work environment, but I'm chafing here under other issues, so... IDK. At this point I'm kind of waiting to see how the negotiations go. Short term, the counsel option would be the easiest "out" for my current stress, but IDK if I'll regret it.
I went in house 6 months before covid happened. would not have made it through covid if I was still in private practice.
I was worried about losing flexibility as well, but it has been the best move for my career. And I’ve been able to maintain flexibility. That said, I recognize in house is not for everyone and I have no idea what it means in your practice area.
I think the idea of opening your own practice or moving firms is also something to consider. You have a book - what value do you gain by staying at a firm that is holding on to/playing games with equity? I’d investigate this before giving up your equity to go counsel at your current firm.