I thought I'd miss out on the drama by having a boy. NOPE.

[redheadbaker]

The past year, DS was close friends with two boys, L and M. L and M often butted heads, and put DS in the middle. I was made aware by the school counselor at back to school night. 

More recently, M has been treating both L and DS poorly, and there was even a playground fight between L and M back before Christmas. DS didn't tell me about any of this until today, and only because I asked him about it since L's mom texted me about L and M fighting and wanted to make sure DS wasn't being put in the middle. 

L and DS made the decision that they weren't going to be friends with M if he was going to treat them like that. But M is telling his mother that L turned DS against him. Complicating the matter is that I am not friendly with M's mom (if you're familiar with my neighborhood drama, yes, it's THAT family). 

DS seems to be handling it well, doesn't seem to need/want advice. But I did tell him that adults will always be there to listen and/or advise if he wants, whether that's me, his dad, teachers/staff at school, etc. 

ETA Oh, and M's birthday party is later this month. DS forgot he was invited; L never was invited. When I asked DS about the party, he says he doesn't want to go. And I'm probably overthinking/should just be honest about why, but I want to come up with some other excuse instead. 

[waverly]

Ok, if the question is just how to RSVP. I would say sorry, DS is unable to make the party. I would just keep it to the standard RSVP and not bring the fight into a specific party invitation. Some people RSVP and add a reason to smooth things over such as we will be out of town, or we have another event. I don't think those are necessary by any means. Just mentioning it out there as standard RSVP responses.  Oh and if you say you have another event you aren't lying even if the event is a movie night at home...

I don't get the impression that you want to discuss the issue with the other parents. But if you did, I wouldn't involve the birthday party in it.

ETA- I am also envisioning an evite since that is most of what we do here, so obviously you wouldn't go into details on a platform that everyone can see.  Now maybe it was just a text, but if they respond and be like oh why, you don't have to engage by any means, just ignore.  They asked you answered, and the interaction is now completed.  

[redheadbaker]

Jan 17, 2023 16:37:13 GMT -5 waverly said:

Ok, if the question is just how to RSVP. I would say sorry, DS is unable to make the party. I would just keep it to the standard RSVP and not bring the fight into a specific party invitation. Some people RSVP and add a reason to smooth things over such as we will be out of town, or we have another event. I don't think those are necessary by any means. Just mentioning it out there as standard RSVP responses.  Oh and if you say you have another event you aren't lying even if the event is a movie night at home...

I don't get the impression that you want to discuss the issue with the other parents. But if you did, I wouldn't involve the birthday party in it.

ETA- I am also envisioning an evite since that is most of what we do here, so obviously you wouldn't go into details on a platform that everyone can see.  Now maybe it was just a text, but if they respond and be like oh why, you don't have to engage by any means, just ignore.  They asked you answered, and the interaction is now completed.  

We RSVPed yes to the evite several weeks ago. Now, he wants to change his response to no. 

[waverly]

redheadbaker, I would literally just change it. If you want to add a note, say "something came up and DS can no longer make it". But no note is necessary.

They may have noticed it changed, but most look at the 1 week before (RSVP date) so they can let the venue know. After throwing several large birthday parties, I realize several things. 1. Some RSVP yes and literally never show up, no call no text. 2. Some bring siblings (especially those with younger kids) with no heads up. 3. Some ask the day of if they can join last minute when the RSVP date was a week ago (I always say yes because what else can I say?). So changing your yes to a no is really no big deal in the grand scheme of party RSVP stuff. Happens all the time. Now there are additional implications because of the drama, but that isn't your fault as the parent, so try to stay out of that.

[macmars45]

Given the history your DS has with M, he is 'sick' or some other excuse on night before/day of the party. I 100% would not make your DS go to the party just because the you already rsvped yes.

[ECB]

As for the party, "shit happens" and I'd just reach out to the mom and just say "I'm so sorry, but something has come up and DS won't be able to attend".

Bigger picture - this is all rough. DS has been dealing w/ some issues over the past year with some friends who are a trio and he's clearly not apart of that. A lot of our message to him has been that friendships change, and while it's sad, it's a part of life, and we try to help him focus on OTHER kids who are actually nicer to him. He's got a lot of friends, it's just that one of these 3 used to be his best friend, so I think that's what hits him the hardest.

But we encourage him to focus elsewhere as much as possible. There is a LOT of crossover with these boys (neighborhood, parents who are friends, sports, school) so it would be VERY hard to totally cut ties.

I also try not to talk to him TOO much about it. he's 14 and sometimes he just doesn't want to talk, and I try to respect that. Here and there I try to throw in very simple questions and soemtimes it turns into him downloading with me. Other times, he answers the question and just says "I don't want to talk about it". So... I try to roll with him on that.

But it's HARD. It's HARD to be the mom and see our kids hurting! I feel you!

[redheadbaker]

Jan 17, 2023 17:02:39 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

Given the history your DS has with M, he is 'sick' or some other excuse on night before/day of the party. I 100% would not make your DS go to the party just because the you already rsvped yes.

Oh, that was never going to happen. 

[heygrey]

I would rescind my Yes rsvp without much fanfare. "Sorry I realized we were double booked and DS is not able to make it." No explanation, no excuses, no promises to get together sometime.

Are the boys in middle school yet? If not, I would let this friendship die a natural death. Middle school is a great time to make new friends and let going of ones that are no longer compatible.

[wanderingback]

I would just change the rsvp.
I’ve been much better about saying no to things and I typically don’t give a reason if the reason is really I just don’t feel like doing something. No thanks is a complete sentence. So I wouldn’t say something else came up.