I am so sorry, wendyp, Putting your hands on someone in anger is never ok. He can downplay it or argue semantics whether it was a push, hit or punch, but it doesn't change that it was done to you in anger to you.
My advice would be to see if you can get someone, maybe a good friend, to have your kids over for a couple of hours so that you the two of you can have a real talk about your marriage. Sometimes the roles we agree to in theory, say before the kids come along, we realize do not fully work and things need to be adjusted. That said, if this is how he has been for a quite awhile, I wonder if he is capable of change.
What was he like as a partner to you before you had kids?
We have been together since college so we have been through a lot together. He's honestly usually a really great partner. He's an extremely hard worker at his job, we have renovated multiple houses together and for the most part we get along pretty well. Overtime I have taken on more house duties for various reasons, before kids it was because he was working more while renovating our house. Then we had kids and he was still working a lot but I started staying home so while it was certainly lonely at times, it worked for us. Sure we had disagreements but we would have an argument and then make some changes and move on. He's a great dad and definitely way more fun and patient than me. He of course does things that drive me absolutely nuts but its usually things like him having to poop everytime we load up the car to go on a long trip.
I get burned out and stressed very easily. I have anxiety and depression. He is an engineer and is very evenly tempered and calm in high stress situations. Where I am crying and running around like I have my head cut off. He often calms me down and helps me make more logical decisions vs emotional.
OP, I'm worried about you, even more so after reading your later posts. You sound like you blame yourself and are trying to convince yourself that this couldn't have happened as you remember it. You are correct to be upset. You did not do anything to provoke someone who is supposed to be your partner into putting his hands on you. There is no excuse. He is wrong. Stay safe.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Well we spoke today but only briefly and it didn't go well at all. He first made a snide comment about me not remembering anything from last night. I told him I remembered everything and he said oh, do you remember how you verbally abused me? I said yes I know I said some mean things last night and I said and then you hit me. And he went on to say he didn't hit me.
And then I lost my cool and asked him if he was fucking kidding me and going to deny that he hit me? He said he didn't hit me and walked away to put the kids to bed.
I honestly wish he had hit me harder so I'd have a bruise to prove it.
Have you asked him what he thinks DID happen if he says he didn’t hit you? Like, does he deny putting his hands on you at all? Is he claiming he “just” pushed you? “Just” grabbed your arm? What’s his version of this part of the events of the evening?
Have you asked him what he thinks DID happen if he says he didn’t hit you? Like, does he deny putting his hands on you at all? Is he claiming he “just” pushed you? “Just” grabbed your arm? What’s his version of this part of the events of the evening?
That he just pushed me away to get me to stop berating him.
Have you asked him what he thinks DID happen if he says he didn’t hit you? Like, does he deny putting his hands on you at all? Is he claiming he “just” pushed you? “Just” grabbed your arm? What’s his version of this part of the events of the evening?
That he just pushed me away to get me to stop berating him.
Then I would ask if he thinks pushing is an acceptable thing for one adult to do to another.
Have you asked him what he thinks DID happen if he says he didn’t hit you? Like, does he deny putting his hands on you at all? Is he claiming he “just” pushed you? “Just” grabbed your arm? What’s his version of this part of the events of the evening?
That he just pushed me away to get me to stop berating him.
This is where I would push back and say I call it a hit, you call it a push...either way, you got physical and I will not stay in a marriage like that ...especially when you try to justify it.
That he just pushed me away to get me to stop berating him.
This is where I would push back and say I call it a hit, you call it a push...either way, you got physical and I will not stay in a marriage like that ...especially when you try to justify it.
I agree with this. He is hung up that he did not hit you, only pushed you because I suppose that is easier to live with or justify. you need to push back on this.
Can you arrange for the kids to go somewhere so you can talk this out?
This is where I would push back and say I call it a hit, you call it a push...either way, you got physical and I will not stay in a marriage like that ...especially when you try to justify it.
I agree with this. He is hung up that he did not hit you, only pushed you because I suppose that is easier to live with or justify. you need to push back on this.
Can you arrange for the kids to go somewhere so you can talk this out?
We just did this and after talking I feel a lot better. He finally apologized to pushing me/hitting me and agreed he never should have done that at all. He doesn't think we need counseling and he doesn't want to go but did agree to go and we start next week.
He did agree that we need to sit down and put together a list of all of our financial things and their passwords. We have both just assuming paying different things and not set up a list of sharing passwords. I'm the one who actually has shared less financial things with him.
Hopefully something like this never happens again, but we certainly have a lot to work through in therapy.
I agree with this. He is hung up that he did not hit you, only pushed you because I suppose that is easier to live with or justify. you need to push back on this.
Can you arrange for the kids to go somewhere so you can talk this out?
We just did this and after talking I feel a lot better. He finally apologized to pushing me/hitting me and agreed he never should have done that at all. He doesn't think we need counseling and he doesn't want to go but did agree to go and we start next week.
He did agree that we need to sit down and put together a list of all of our financial things and their passwords. We have both just assuming paying different things and not set up a list of sharing passwords. I'm the one who actually has shared less financial things with him.
Hopefully something like this never happens again, but we certainly have a lot to work through in therapy.
I think people fear going to couple's therapy because that is only for people who are about to split up or something. But, really it can be a great place to learn better way to communicate. Also, having kids puts a whole new kind of pressure on a relationship and that can be tough to navigate.
I'm glad that he acknowledged what he did was wrong and that you two are going to get some help on how to navigate things better.
I agree with this. He is hung up that he did not hit you, only pushed you because I suppose that is easier to live with or justify. you need to push back on this.
Can you arrange for the kids to go somewhere so you can talk this out?
We just did this and after talking I feel a lot better. He finally apologized to pushing me/hitting me and agreed he never should have done that at all. He doesn't think we need counseling and he doesn't want to go but did agree to go and we start next week.
He did agree that we need to sit down and put together a list of all of our financial things and their passwords. We have both just assuming paying different things and not set up a list of sharing passwords. I'm the one who actually has shared less financial things with him.
Hopefully something like this never happens again, but we certainly have a lot to work through in therapy.
I don't think there is a couple out there that couldn't benefit from couples counseling. You're relationship could be the pinnacle of relationships and it still would be beneficial. I think he just needs to reframe his thinking of what counseling actually is - which I think your therapist would be able to help him with!
Post by mrsukyankee on Feb 16, 2023 4:07:41 GMT -5
I just want to let you know that therapy IS awkward. That's the point, in some ways, to work through the awkward and horrible stuff to get to a solution or way of dealing with it. And a good therapist will help you through it. Most of us who do therapy have had to have it and it's not fun, most of the time (though it can be). There are times when you may be angry or upset or anxious or frustrated in therapy, and hopefully your therapist will be there alongside. It's normal to not feel comfy talking through things and yet it's so necessary in order to grow and get the things you need/want. Definitely do find a therapist. Hugs.
I turned to these boards when I was asking about behaviors and what was normal. These women validated me and at times gave me the hard stuff I didn’t want to hear but had to.
I lived a life for a long time that I wasn’t happy in.
Gottman certified therapists are the only kind I would see, for marriage. Please look up the 4 Horsemen and Gottman.
You can leave. I know it’s scary and impossible, when you think about it. But even though I deal with other behaviors after the fact….I am free from the daily struggle now.
I was scared of financial and logistics of 3 kids as a single mom but those parts worked out, despite my insistence that they wouldn’t, which were my fears or taking steps to end the relationship.
But now that I’m detached from that daily struggle I am so, so, so much happier. I still carry all the mental load and now all of the physical load bc honestly I was blessed that he didn’t want to share physical custody but somehow…somehow it is easier now.
It’s easier to be a single mom than a married single mom.
I just want to let you know that therapy IS awkward. That's the point, in some ways, to work through the awkward and horrible stuff to get to a solution or way of dealing with it. And a good therapist will help you through it. Most of us who do therapy have had to have it and it's not fun, most of the time (though it can be). There are times when you may be angry or upset or anxious or frustrated in therapy, and hopefully your therapist will be there alongside. It's normal to not feel comfy talking through things and yet it's so necessary in order to grow and get the things you need/want. Definitely do find a therapist. Hugs.
I wish someone told me this when I first started therapy like 15 years ago. Therapy is work and it is awkward and challenging. But boy, once you know that and are willing to put in the work and go through the awkwardness, it can make such a difference.
Post by amandakisser on Feb 16, 2023 8:25:57 GMT -5
I see myself (and my marriage) SO MUCH in your post.
In case those two posters are the ones you're focusing on - coming home tipsy is not a cause for abuse. Like you, the only time I fought back/stood up for myself was after a couple drinks. And I 100000% understand why you are afraid to talk to him - when I bring up ANYTHING to my husband regarding my feelings, things that upset me, when I need help, etc. it always ends in him yelling and calling me crazy. He 100% gaslights me, and, recently, we had our first incident of him physically hurting me.
Also...he will always act better immediately following a blowup by me, which is the definition of the cycle of abuse. Please keep an eye on him suddenly not showing you finances, stopping counseling, etc. They do this so they can act like the good guy.
I am meeting with a divorce lawyer tomorrow - I am scared shitless. But I've had these feelings for YEARS, and he has treated me this way for YEARS...and it's not going to get better.
Feel free to DM me if you want to just chat. A marriage like that is a very lonely place. I figure if I'm alone, I'd rather actually BE alone.
Post by hannahgruen on Feb 16, 2023 13:44:01 GMT -5
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with what people are saying, and I would be afraid it will escalate. His 1st reaction, denial, is more telling to me, than the talk you had. He hit you in a moment of rage, there's nothing to say it won't happen to again. Therapy is hard but productive, but he has to be in 100%. If not, please go alone. I wish you the best.
Post by NewOrleans on Feb 16, 2023 18:04:55 GMT -5
I don’t know what I would do about the hit, but I do know that I could no t stand the gaslighting afterwards. I would document it ALL. Everything. Photos. How many drinks. Unemotionally and factually in bulletpoints. I would insist on both counseling (or some sort of mediator?) AND his open acknowledgment that he did hit you if you wish to remain married.
I am very sorry. What a scary and unexpected moment. ☹️
I turned to these boards when I was asking about behaviors and what was normal. These women validated me and at times gave me the hard stuff I didn’t want to hear but had to.
I lived a life for a long time that I wasn’t happy in.
Gottman certified therapists are the only kind I would see, for marriage. Please look up the 4 Horsemen and Gottman.
You can leave. I know it’s scary and impossible, when you think about it. But even though I deal with other behaviors after the fact….I am free from the daily struggle now.
I was scared of financial and logistics of 3 kids as a single mom but those parts worked out, despite my insistence that they wouldn’t, which were my fears or taking steps to end the relationship.
But now that I’m detached from that daily struggle I am so, so, so much happier. I still carry all the mental load and now all of the physical load bc honestly I was blessed that he didn’t want to share physical custody but somehow…somehow it is easier now.
It’s easier to be a single mom than a married single mom.
I can not have said it better. 3 kids single and divorced was so much easier for me.
Post by mysteriouswife on Feb 16, 2023 21:57:44 GMT -5
Lots of heavy talk in here. I hope everyone looking for advice or been in this situation feels the love and support. I hope you all get the help you deserve.