I had a similar story when I was 17. No Uber and we were driving our own cars. The friend got in trouble and I didn’t. It was a 2 part adventure where I went with friend during the day for her safety.
Then friend lied about where she was going that evening to her mom. She got caught because her car broke down. My mom and I rescued her off the side of the road and brought her home.
In hindsight I should have made her tell her mom that her friend was in town and she was visiting him.
This is soooooo hard. I feel for you. My take on this - your DD did do the right thing. Under our own roof, of course we can expect certain behavior. But reality is, no matter what we say or do, once our kids are not under our constant eye - situations ARE going to come up that test them, they ARE going to do things that they shouldn't. We can only hope that while they do things they shouldn't, we're still in their ear and that they know where the "real" line is for THEMSELVES. And I feel like this situation shows that.
The expectation she should go wake her friend's mom - sure, I could see that. But probably more if there was a true immanent issue. I just don't think that a 15 year old is going to think or WANT to do that when it's about "lets get an uber and ride somewhere". Peer pressure is soooo real, and so big in their lives - to expect a 15 year old to do that - it's a big ask. Some kids will do it, sure, but a lot of kids would never think or want to do that. I'm sure your DD would worry that her friend would then hate HER for "tattling" to her mom. (Having dealt with our own "tattling" issues and seeing the impact on my son.... It's very real and VERY hard)
We have to remember our kids are just that - kids. They don't have fully formed brains, they are going to make bad decisions. We have to know and expect that.
As far a punishment - again, I feel you. I'd have a hard time punishing in this situation. BUT there would be a LONG talk - you say that she knows she needs to stop surrounding herself iwth people like this - does she see this friend and someone who maybe isn't the best of friends? At a minimum, I wouldn't let DD go on anymore overnight trips with this girl. And perhaps no socializing with her for awhile - just to put some separation there.
I'll be curious as to what others say. THis is tough.
Post by fivechickens on Apr 17, 2023 7:38:42 GMT -5
That’s tough. She was a good friend that went to make sure her friend had someone there in case something happened (The kind of friend I tell my girls to be and to have) but they snuck out to do that thing.
I don’t know what I would do (helpful). I would make sure she knew that, in the moment, she did the right thing but that sometimes doing the right thing means telling parents even if the friend gets mad.
IF you think there needs to be a punishment, I might ‘ground’ them from each other for the week (No texting/calls/etc) but I honestly don’t know if I would do that.
I think it's better she went because a friend going alone is not the right thing, even though she knew it wasn't the right call at all.
That said, I think I would focus on when you need to put aside embarrassment or nervousness and tell another adult. And surrounding herself with people who make better choices.
I don't think I would do a major punishment except limiting hanging out with this friend during any outside of school time.
Here’s where it gets grey again. This is a sweet kid. Very kind. But also very immature. I know she deals with significant learning differences that can include impulsive behavior.
So as a parent of a child who is immature and can be impulsive, I would just reiterate to your daughter that if she is ever in a situation like that with her that telling the parent is the right thing to do and that despite how the girl might feel in the moment she is being a very good friend to her.
I am worried I won’t say this quite the right way and I will come off as callous, but I actually mean this with total kindness. I think as much as your daughter made a bad choice here, so did you in a way. You knew this girl made bad decisions, you knew the parents didn’t supervise the way they should and you let your daughter go off with them. And I think the “punishment” has to reflect this. I don’t mean you are a bad parent or anything. I just mean this is as much an experience for you to learn from as your kid. It shows that we all make complicated choices no matter how old we are. I’m sure I have made and will continue to make less than ideal parenting choices from time to time.
Both you and your daughter need to recalibrate on what inclusion really means. It doesn’t mean setting up your child for failure with only bad choices to make — and this is as much about the other parents as the other kid. I think you should reflect on your own decision making with your kid so she sees that parents don’t always get it right either and that we learn and grow from this.
I would tie the punishment to not hanging out with others for some limited period of time. And honestly, I would not let my kid hang out with this kid again unless I was in a position to supervise them myself. This isn’t about excluding a special needs kid. It is about making sure your daughter doesn’t end up in bad situations.
I'm trying to think how I would handle this w/ my 14yo DD, and honestly, I don't know that I would punish in this case. It sounds like she's already being pretty hard on herself and reconsidering choices she's made, and isn't that the point of consequences?
I think I would probably just be a little more intentional about checking in with her for a bit to make sure she's truly setting better boundaries with friends, and following through on what she's already thinking. Let her earn back the lower level of supervision.
Sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders and is already punishing herself in some ways. I'd do a small "token" punishment just to do something, but tell her you're proud of her for not leaving her and how to handle it in the future. I'd probably not let her travel with the other parents for a while. I'm trying not to judge the other parents, but how did they not know the kids snuck out? IDK. If you have other kids in your care you need to up your supervision game.
I'd also be curious to know more about these items: details of supervision, the nightmarish flights, the relentless begging to go, the explicit instructions to make good choices
Post by maudefindlay on Apr 17, 2023 7:59:56 GMT -5
I'd lean towards a sit down talk vs punishment. Granted I was older than your DD, but freshman year of college I babysat my roommate a few times (going along when she met a guy at a party and went back to his place). I'm still here today, but let me tell you there is danger in doing that. I recall one time sitting in a stranger's apt on their couch while roommate and new guy were doing who knows what in another room and in walks a group of guys. It worked out fine and they were nice, but what if they weren't. I felt so scared and outnumbered in that moment. Doing the right thing for a friend doesn't have to mean doing the wrong thing for you and so I'd encourage the clue in an adult and stay put next time.
I do agree that I would not allow her to take trips with the family again. It sounded like it didn’t go well overall not just this instance and that the parenting styles are too different for trips.
I would maybe ask her what she thinks the punishment should be. I sometimes do that when I’m stuck, tbh. And usually my kid comes up with a fitting punishment.
You could also consider less of a “punishment “ & more of a “service to others”. Smaller scale, but my son has damaged stuff at home bc of thoughtlessness. His punishment was doing cleaning or helping fix up things around the house to hopefully create a sense of ownership & pride. I don’t know the previous Uber backstory or how to work that into service, but if a root issue is not seeing bigger pictures, maybe service can expose a bigger picture?
I’m not sure I’d punish per se, but the natural consequences of this are that she’d need to earn back A LOT of trust. She would not be in a position where she’d be able to open an Uber app without an adult noticing for a very long time. She’s shown you that traveling with another family anywhere isn’t something she’s ready to do so that wouldn’t happen again. And I’m not sure I’d ever trust her with this friend again unless they were under my own very very close supervision because she’s also shown you that she’s not able to make good decisions around this friend.
candreco we were texting pretty much the whole vacation and around the time they “left” I realized I hadn’t said good night. I meant to check in but I fell asleep. If only!
candreco we were texting pretty much the whole vacation and around the time they “left” I realized I hadn’t said good night. I meant to check in but I fell asleep. If only!
It's such a hard balance to strike between checking in too much and not enough. And I feel like the right amount changes day to day.
Not sure how old your DD is but I'm guessing older teen. Sounds like she is already ahead of you with the consequence of not seeing this friend for a while, which shows that she has good judgement in that respect.
A loooong talk, for sure! Lots of discussions about how to handle situations like this where it feels like there is no clear right choice. Unfortunately there are a lot of gray areas as you get older and this will happen more frequently as she has more independence.
I wouldn't punish her per se, since she wasn't actually trying to do something malicious. She thought in her kid brain that this was the best and only choice, but because she is young she didn't have the experience to know there were better choices - that is where you can help coach her for next time.
Did she fess up when she got home or try to hide it? That is the part I would focus on. Okay you broke the rules, but did you try to sneak it past me in the process?
Edit: Ahh I see this is an in the moment situation. That makes it harder.
I think I would put a rest on approving hanging out with this friend for awhile. It sounds like she isn't making good decisions. So I would focus on that? But that is really hard if there is a group of friends.
Yeah that mom needs a refresher on supervising kids. Any future time with this kid would be on my watch. You're doing great! I know these types of things have a way of making us question things, but your kid sounds like a good one.
eddy she told me herself yesterday from FL. She said she wasn’t sure if friends mom was going to tell me (she hasn’t yet - we’ve texted all night bc of the delays and she hadn’t mentioned it) but she wanted me to hear it from her first.
Holy shit. The mom hasn’t told you yet?!?! I wouldn’t trust those parents to so much as drive my kid home from practice ever again.
When is your kid coming home? I’d be very seriously considering flying there myself to escort my child home immediately after this. Again, not so much to punish your child, but I’d feel very uncomfortable with these parents supervising my kid any longer.