Good call with not sending to her TS with the friend. That is a completely understandable punishment as you can't trust that friend or the two of them together. And it is really going to hurt because the concert is SO GOOD.
I hope this situation scared your DD enough that there is a natural consequence vibe to it all. I hope the feelings sticks with her for awhile.
Post by icedcoffee on Apr 17, 2023 11:49:30 GMT -5
Dang---FL trip, Taylor Swift twice and a beach weekend?? She is living the life we all want!! (Well--not anymore lol). Agree with Patsy--you're doing great.
I wanted to share a semi-related story with SD age 16. Recently she got in a habit of doing something and then informing us, not asking permission to go.
So it was a smaller scale as she wasn’t out of town and it wasn’t the middle of the night, but it was instead of walking home, going to lunch with her bf then informing us of what she’s doing. No. That’s not how this works. You still ask permission before you go. So we’ve had a lot of convos about that.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Apr 17, 2023 11:54:28 GMT -5
I really appreciate that we continue to have these conversations here. I was initially in the "I'm glad she went to keep her friend safe" mode, but reading the "she needs to be more selfish and look out for #1" is a really important counter point that I'm glad was brought up. It will help me parent - so thank you!
Dang---FL trip, Taylor Swift twice and a beach weekend?? She is living the life we all want!! (Well--not anymore lol). Agree with Patsy--you're doing great.
I really appreciate that we continue to have these conversations here. I was initially in the "I'm glad she went to keep her friend safe" mode, but reading the "she needs to be more selfish and look out for #1" is a really important counter point that I'm glad was brought up. It will help me parent - so thank you!
So it's lunch time where you are and still no response from other mom? Yikes.
Right!? I don’t know if she’s embarrassed or avoiding or hoping DD didn’t tell us…I’m offering it up though bc we can only control what we can control. Trying not to place too much blame on her bc I want DD to be fully accountable for her choices. She needs to think for herself in spite of irresponsible adults.
I wouldn't be pissed at her for it happening on her watch. Kids can be sneaky, shit happens. However I would be forever side eyeing her that she didn't reach out to tell me. Yes, its embarrassing, but the fact that she STILL hasn't reached out to let you know about this speaks volumes about her judgement, IMO.
my 15 year old has a "friend" that reminds me of this situation/mom. she'd been to their house ONCE, for a couple hours, friend has been to our house once, they live 30 minutes from us. And then the mom reaches out to me months later to see if she wants to sleep over. The night before they leave for a week long school trip, and have to be at school at 6 am. Like, why would that even get past the parental screening stage, let alone for the mom to ask me like "isn't this a great idea!"? A sleepover with a bestie before you leave for a week long trip at 6 am is a no, let alone with this person I barely know, 30 minutes away? This is also the "friend" that pulled the texting BS I mentioned above. I don't go out of my way to foster that friendship. Not sorry.
I wouldn’t be mad that it happened on the other mom’s watch, teens are very sneaky!! Me and my friends definitely pulled some outrageous shit. I would be very upset that she hasn’t yet told you, though!!! WTF
Sounds like you guys had a great talk:)
I agree with this. People are acting like the parents should have slept in front of a padlocked door or something. But the fact that they didn't tell OP it happened is unforgiveable IMO.
My first response would be to tell my kid how badly and irresponsibly she behaved towards her hosts in this situation - they kindly took her on vacation, and were responsible for her welfare. She took off in the middle of the night, to somewhere she'd never been, to see people she'd never met without telling them, enabling her irresponsible friend and putting a second person at risk. I would not let her off the hook and make her write an apology to that family. Things turned out okay - but only because she got lucky, not because she did the right thing.
This isn't Kristin Smart. Your daughter is 14, was out of state and snuck off at night to see a stranger via a car driven by another stranger (Uber). She actively left a place of safety to follow a bad decision rather than alert someone and get the help that would prevent the risk. Kristin was 5 years older and an adult. She was free to decide to go to a party.
The existing punishments are good but I'd want more personal responsibility for her role and less blaming the friend or parents. And some of her efforts should include a direct apology to her hosts.
sonrisa I appreciate your different perspective, I do. I will say, I spent the better part of a decade being the "mean mom" and always forcing her to take the blame for situations that were not entirely her fault, or not her fault at all, often letting other children off the hook and validating the type of parent who live by "never MY kid!!" mentality in order to smooth things over and not create conflict. It was incredibly damaging to our relationship and her mental state, and her ability to trust me. She has already spoken with the mother in person (it was just the mom, no dad) and apologized. The mother actually apologized to her because she is well aware of how manipulative her daughter can be. The family is actually very fond of our daughter because she's been a "good influence" on their daughter and actually tamed her a bit (which is very ironic to my and my husband).
I missed the follow ups, but it sounds like you're doing a great job navigating this tough stuff. It says a lot about your daughter and your relationship with you that she talked to you about it before the mom did.
Those people who told us it got easier as kids got older? Stupid liars. Less physical, yes. But this stuff? I'll take wiping butts over managing this stuff...and my oldest is 12.
I have been telling my son that when he gets in trouble somewhere, I want him to think, "I need to call my mom" not, "My mom is going to kill me when she finds out." There will still be consequences, but how the issue is communicated to me will impact what those consequences are.
This community was so important when my kids were little, and it's proving to be every bit as helpful with parenting stuff now as it was back then. There's less community support for moms of big kids vs moms of littles. (I think that's possibly because airing your parenting struggles feels different when it's talking about how they dumped spices on the floor vs when they're big and it's stuff with a lot more weight that can damage reputations, even if they did the right thing eventually.)
I would really watch out for her being friends with kids like this whose parents see your daughter as the good influence. I was that "good influence" friend and it's not a good place to be, because influence goes both ways. I realize how hard it is to get teens to do anything you want them to, but I would discourage this friendship going forward. Your daughter needs friends who are a good influence TO HER. Not the other way around. She needs friends whose parents do more than what this girl's parents are doing. There are just so many red flags in how the mother is responding to this, not only that she hasn't reached out to you, but even telling your daughter that her daughter is manipulative is so inappropriate.
lilac05 I totally agree there is less support for parenting big kids. A lot of what we deal with is downright embarrassing (sex, drinking, drugs etc) and people are more apt to judge young adults and their parents than they would little kids and younger parents. It’s one of the reasons I’m holding back on mentally unraveling why the other mom hasn’t contacted me. For all I know she might think it’s a closed discussion, as she addressed it privately with my daughter and then learned my daughter had told me. I was texting back and forth with her all night (from about 5 pm until 4 am) all after DD told me and I sent her and thank you text again today.
There are lots of different ways to approach it for sure! It’s very beneficial to get different advice and perspectives.
felicity I agree. I don’t know exactly how the conversations with the mom went (my daughter had two separate ones) but I know the mother was very upset yesterday. I do have empathy, I’ve been there, and it’s such a draining, difficult process. I’ve touched on how difficult last year was for us, and we’ve come such a long way . This family may be in the thick of it now.
She has lots of other friends who are good influences on her too. Besides this and the other Uber situation we’ve had absolutely no reason not to trust her or any of her friends.
Also sonrisa DD will be getting the host family a thank you gift and writing them a thank you note, regardless of whether we ever address it. I don’t want to “make her” do anything as I’ve done that many times in the past and found it to be less effective than something she generates from her own conscious and sense of obligation. She’s actually become really good at addressing adults and owning up to things, being honest, accepting responsibility and expressing gratitude. It’s actually something we’re really proud of as parents as we’ve heard multiple times from recipients of this how impressive and mature it was (coaches, teachers, other parents, her boss at work). I’m going to let her address it as she sees fit.
I would really watch out for her being friends with kids like this whose parents see your daughter as the good influence. I was that "good influence" friend and it's not a good place to be, because influence goes both ways. I realize how hard it is to get teens to do anything you want them to, but I would discourage this friendship going forward. Your daughter needs friends who are a good influence TO HER. Not the other way around. She needs friends whose parents do more than what this girl's parents are doing. There are just so many red flags in how the mother is responding to this, not only that she hasn't reached out to you, but even telling your daughter that her daughter is manipulative is so inappropriate.
I agree with this. I have this on a much smaller scale with my niece who is 5 years younger than my youngest daughter. My BIL and SIL seem to be ill equipped to parent their very spirited child. I have some sympathy for this. But it turns into them wanting to use my daughter to help them parent. They want my kid to help manipulate my niece into getting into the car to leave, eating her food, not hitting people, etc. I had to tell my husband that this was nonsense and he had to start intervening. He did. It isn’t your kids job to make other kids “do better.”
momof2 ah now it makes sense. I see what you are saying. I’m hoping it was just said out of exasperation. I’ve referred to this DD as “a difficult person” and “moody” to her friends (she is a piece of work) in solidarity. I guess I thought of it along those lines.
Post by jillybean222 on Apr 17, 2023 16:58:15 GMT -5
I see it's gone now but I did read the OP earlier and didn't have time to respond. But, I did the same thing as your DD, (minus the Uber) and we also got caught. I was with my friend's parents on their vacation and managed to act like an asshole. I believe I was a junior in HS at the time. We were just a little bored after curfew and took matters into our own hands. We are pretty lucky nothing went terribly wrong but it easily could have gone sideways bc we were on foot and ran into some interesting people in our travels (and also we were in an area completely unfamiliar to us). I can see the danger now but simply couldn't understand why they were so upset at the time.
I also have a teen your DD's age and we are now in the boyfriend phase and it is fucking awful. Terrifying. I am constantly flip flopping between locking her up in her room and putting her on BC and keeping my fingers crossed. I also give teenage parenting a very generous 1 star!
lilac05 I totally agree there is less support for parenting big kids. A lot of what we deal with is downright embarrassing (sex, drinking, drugs etc) and people are more apt to judge young adults and their parents than they would little kids and younger parents. It’s one of the reasons I’m holding back on mentally unraveling why the other mom hasn’t contacted me. For all I know she might think it’s a closed discussion, as she addressed it privately with my daughter and then learned my daughter had told me. I was texting back and forth with her all night (from about 5 pm until 4 am) all after DD told me and I sent her and thank you text again today.
There are lots of different ways to approach it for sure! It’s very beneficial to get different advice and perspectives.
I am super confused as to why you are not now reaching out to the mom to discuss this. Not to castigate the mom, but to say “listen, my expectation is that you reach to me if you know my kid has done something wrong and I will do the same for you. I also think these two kids need some time apart and then only see each other in more low stakes situations.” Or something like that. Are you just never going to talk to the other mom?
jillybean if there’s one good thing it’s that she DOES realize why everyone is so upset. If I’ve done anything as a mom I’ve instilled a healthy dose of Italian mom catastrophic overreaction to threats in my girls 🙄 Passed down through many generations
Post by penguingrrl on Apr 17, 2023 17:05:28 GMT -5
Yeesh, just seeing this and that’s such a hard situation. I absolutely blame the mom for waiting to get in touch with you, that should have happened immediately since your kid did something very high risk while in her care. I missed the deleted posts, so I don’t know exactly what was said, but it sounds like you handled it expertly. Balancing the level of strict a situation requires is never an easy task because you never want this to happen again, but you also want your teen to continue being open and honest with you. It’s not an easy phase of life to help people who are ready for some autonomy but not truly mature and guide them through difficult situation.
However, I don’t blame the mom that the kids snuck out. Teens do that. Hell, I did at 12 (my older sister proposed it and I went along when I obviously should have said no) and look back and realize how stupid it was. And my house was not big (under 1,000 SF) and my mom was super strict. Had she caught us we would have been in a world of trouble. But short of having only one exit to the house and her body blocking it we could and would have left (we left through my sister’s bedroom window).
momof2 I guess I want to give her time? I don’t want her to think I’m overly upset with her. Again I’m kind of putting myself in her shoes and if she’s still processing/dealing with her daughter I don’t want to add another dimension. I know that I can’t avoid it forever!