I don't think you need to jump to murder or divorce at this point (I wouldn't rule them out just yet), but since he's already nixed the normal solutions (earplugs, white noise), and isn't giving you any other solutions, may I present the time honored tradition of a dog house? He can listen to the sounds of nature outdoors rather than your children indoors. Bonus points, he won't be strolling into bed at midnight and interrupting YOUR sleep. If he calls the idea ridiculous, just show him to a mirror.
Either he puts on some sort sound machine, deals with the noise, and sleeps through it, or wakes up and helps you. None of this is your problem. He’s being a complete asswipe.
ETA; I also do mornings bc it’s more convenient. Sometimes h sleeps in if he’s not working. I close the door and he has a sound machine. Now I don’t let the kids go wild with loud craziness but the usual bustle of getting ready for the day, I am not shushing them. Nope. Not. Gonna.
Last Edit: Aug 18, 2023 11:38:43 GMT -5 by Leeham Rimes
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He's actually cleaning the dishes/kitchen right now! He pulls most of his weight around the house. He works 9 to 5:30 and goes to bed around midnight. I honestly don't mind getting up with the girls, I enjoy our mornings together. I had thought about asking him to alternate getting the girls, but I sleep better if I get up every day at the same time. So it's better for me to just do mornings.
You haven't come back to elaborate on the division of labour in your house, so I keep getting stuck on this.
We have a rule that managing the children is not equivalent to doing housework. Parenting is lot of mental work (and I only have one kid who is pretty easy!). Housework feels like a treat by comparison because I can pop in headphones and mentally check out while I clean.
Just because you agreed to this division once upon a time doesn't mean you have to continue it if it isn't working for you anymore. Even if you want to wake up at the same time every morning, it doesn't mean you have to take care of the children. You could have a chill, relaxing morning and only get yourself ready.
He's actually cleaning the dishes/kitchen right now! He pulls most of his weight around the house. He works 9 to 5:30 and goes to bed around midnight. I honestly don't mind getting up with the girls, I enjoy our mornings together. I had thought about asking him to alternate getting the girls, but I sleep better if I get up every day at the same time. So it's better for me to just do mornings.
You haven't come back to elaborate on the division of labour in your house, so I keep getting stuck on this.
We have a rule that managing the children is not equivalent to doing housework. Parenting is lot of mental work (and I only have one kid who is pretty easy!). Housework feels like a treat by comparison because I can pop in headphones and mentally check out while I clean.
Just because you agreed to this division once upon a time doesn't mean you have to continue it if it isn't working for you anymore. Even if you want to wake up at the same time every morning, it doesn't mean you have to take care of the children. You could have a chill, relaxing morning and only get yourself ready.
Yeah, I'm stuck on that too. It seems like you have set an incredibly low bar for "pulling his weight" (which for some reason seems to be super common).
He needs to either get up with you or at bare minimum STFU.
Post by amandakisser on Aug 18, 2023 12:03:28 GMT -5
I am literally divorcing a man who refused to get up in the mornings. I know you said you don’t need his help, but he is actively making things harder for you by complaining.
I would not buy him earplugs, move the routine downstairs, or do ANYTHING to enable his behavior. You’re already doing him a favor by not requiring him to wake up in the morning.
Post by emilyinchile on Aug 18, 2023 12:07:33 GMT -5
I'm not as pitchfork-y as most people in here, but you're definitely not a jerk. I also don't think he's a jerk for not getting up if that's what works for you guys, but he does need to realize that in order for his kids to get to school, there is going to be normal human noise happening at a normal morning time, and if that's disturbing him then he needs to be the one to figure out a solution. And depending on how he's phrasing his unhappiness - like I'm not sure if he is actually insane and literally suggested a 5 year old whisper every morning, or if he's whining, or if it's just "bummer, I was up at 6 with you guys because it's loud" - then he is some level of jerk for that.
Post by Velar Fricative on Aug 18, 2023 12:14:57 GMT -5
I'm always up with the kids in the morning because DH has already left for work before they're up, except during the summer when his summer school starts later than regular school does. He tries to be helpful since summer is only two months but I just find he's in the way too much and I tell him to just go sit down (we're both early birds) and he takes care of the nighttime stuff. So I don't think he *has* to get up early with you, especially if you're like me and are happy with the groove you have in the morning without him. The complaining is what's galling, as is his refusal to take steps to preserve his sleep. Noise happens.
My H and I take turns getting up in the morning and sleeping in on the weekends and I do try to keep the noise level down when it’s my day to be up. But my H definitely contributes equally to parenting and the household, the other morning he was up early on my day and set out breakfast for our kids (who were still sleeping) before leaving for work. So if he complained about noise I would be much more willing to try to adjust for him, since he’s built up the good will. Just the fact you’re asking here tells me he’s probably low on good will with you.
Post by icedcoffee on Aug 18, 2023 12:32:30 GMT -5
I'm definitely willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that you have a division of labor that works for you. Honestly, my H is up most mornings with the kids and lately I haven't gotten up before they leave the house. I need a lot of sleep to function and I'm helpful in other ways. My H is an early bird who is up anyway. With that said I would NEVER complain about the noise they make. OMG.
I mean, I think it's generally good manners to try to be more quiet when someone in the house is sleeping. But obviously there is a limit to that and kids are kids so of course they aren't going to be completely quiet, even if they are trying to be considerate. I am hoping that your night owl husband tries to keep his noise to a minimum when the rest of you go to bed, and I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with going to bed later and sleeping later if that's your natural rhythm. Not everyone is going to be a 6am person even if society thinks that should be the case.
HOWEVER the idea that you all should change your behavior when he has done absolutely nothing to try to address the issue on his own - nope. Why is he resistant to a white noise? We have our box fan running when we sleep and I honestly couldn't live without it. It's not disruptive at all and would make life easier for everyone. And also, when you are someone who deviates from the norm with your schedule, I think it's kind of on you to deal with it (barring major sleep disorders or something out of their control, I guess). I'm the person who sleeps later in my house and it annoys me when my H is in the kitchen doing stuff and making noise before I'm awake - but I also realize that it's not fair to ask him to sit around being hungry because I decided to sleep until 9am on a Saturday. Sometimes living with other humans means you are going to be inconvenienced. It's not that big of a deal.
Of course you aren’t the jerk. There are viable solutions like the sound machine that he’s refusing. And that’s just weird.
What’s he doing til midnight? He should make everyone’s lunch.
I would push the get ready time back to 6:30, not for him but for me! I’m not a morning person either. I’d streamline as much as possible like setting out clothes and packing lunch. Again not to let him sleep more, but to allow me to sleep more!
Post by basilosaurus on Aug 19, 2023 3:06:40 GMT -5
As an insomniac who values sleep I get you can't just shift your hours. I'll probably always be a late sleeper. I was at 4 and I'm the same after 40.
And this is a reason I don't have kids. I can respect not wearing earplugs because they never fit me. But do anything else than complain about kids being kids!
Um, I might have some issues from dad's wife this is bringing up. She wouldn't even let him shit in their bathroom and instead made him stink up ours. At least he waited until the last 10 minutes and warned us.
My husband gets up earlier to get ready for work and get DD1 up and to school because she starts 1.5 hours earlier than DD2. I do the other three school trips. He also lets the dogs out, and they usually jump on me on the way back in. But am I going to complain when he is enabling me to stay in bed for an extra hour? Nope. Your H is being a jerk.
You're not the jerk. We have these kinds of struggles in my house where it always feels like the other person is demanding something that doesn't seem equal. Sometimes I'm the one that needs him to occupy the kids and get them to not scream so they don't bother me, though I'm 100% team you in the situation you described. Currently I am in the phase where I am having to remind my husband that WE (me + 2 kids) are his family now. So the family that gave him a free pass all those years for whatever behavior (him, MIL, FIL) is not his family right now. He can't keep referencing "family" and treating us (mainly me) as some kind of weird outsiders that doesn't fit into "his" family. I mean they will always be his family, but right now THIS 1 ADULT + 2 NOISY KIDS LIVING IN THE HOUSE WITH HIM are the definition of his family. And that he needs to grow up and either embrace this family he lives with and be normal or get out. He's slowly simmered down his a-hole demands like the ones yours is imposing working on the embracing. (And I'm working on it too because the noisy kids drive me crazy and make me want to demand a peaceful existence as well when I know this is hopefully just a phase for this family.)
As a night owl who often also deals with insomnia, I also get that it’s not as easy as “go to bed earlier.” I’ve tried every trick in the book and am just miserable if I try to go to bed before 10 or 11 PM. I toss and turn and my mind races and I don’t go to sleep until at least midnight anyway…and then I’ve just wasted 3 hours trying to go to sleep instead of being productive. Last night, I was up baking at midnight. It’s just how my brain/body work.
If the division of labor and the TIME he is asleep truly works for you, then that’s not the issue here. He’s not a jerk for being a night owl, and you’re not necessarily being taken advantage of for being responsible for all of the kid stuff in the AM. (My husband doesn’t do mornings with the kids. I do more with/for the kids in general though he’s an active and connected parent. However, he actually does a lot more around the house than I do much of the time. It works for us.)
This issue is that he’s demanding that everyone else cater to his schedule and alter their (very normal) behavior without trying to do anything himself to make the situation better…and then complaining about it.
He needs to be a part of the solution here…and there are VERY easy solutions! Far, FAR easier than asking 5 & 7 year old siblings to be extra quiet getting ready in the mornings! White noise, fans, noise blockers, earlier to sleep…or shut up and deal with it.
Post by Doggy Mommy on Aug 19, 2023 10:54:25 GMT -5
You guys are too nice. I would get a whole lot louder. Oh no, I dropped the hair dryer on the bathroom floor, knocked something over and had to vacuum, broke a few plates, it's not my fault the dog found a really loud squeaky toy, oops not sure where that bullhorn came from.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Aug 19, 2023 12:14:02 GMT -5
This kind of thing caused issues for us until I made a rule that if the kids are up, so are both of us. H adjusted quickly. Would your husband prefer that? If not, he ought to shut the fuck up in perpetuity.
You guys are too nice. I would get a whole lot louder. Oh no, I dropped the hair dryer on the bathroom floor, knocked something over and had to vacuum, broke a few plates, it's not my fault the dog found a really loud squeaky toy, oops not sure where that bullhorn came from.
I like this energy. Maybe take up clogging and the bagpipes!
Why are you truly considering if you are out of line here as opposed being confident in your original thought that the more logical answer is that it's an unreasonable request by your husband.
I get that..like we (women) are often taught to *see both perspectives* so we don't come off as selfish 🫠.
Are you overplaying that belief and idk. Lending too much time to considering his frankly: silly and illogical perspective?
Why not just call out nonsense behavior and hold your spouse accountable for making such a silly request.