Post by clairebear on Aug 17, 2023 21:26:47 GMT -5
I am solely responsible for getting my kids ready and to school every morning. This means getting up at 6am to pack lunches, make breakfast, get my two daughters up (5 and 7), ready and out the door by 7:20. H works from home starting at 9am so he rolls out of bed at 8:30am. He complains that we make too much noise getting ready. Basically he expects us to whisper and tip toe. We live in a two story house and the upstairs is just three bedrooms in a row with the kids bath directly across from the master. Sound travels easily and honestly I have no desire to try to keep quiet. No one is yelling, but there is moderate noise with the occasional outburst from a kid. Once we go downstairs (takes 30 mins to get ready upstairs), he can't hear us anymore.
I'm a little jealous he gets to sleep in, but it works best for our respective work schedules so it is what is it. Am I a jerk for not whispering and trying harder to be quiet? He refused the idea of a white noise machine for our room or trying ear plugs.
He is the jerk especially since he won't try anything to block out the noise.
He might be even more of a jerk depending on the reasons why you're solely responsible for the morning routine everyday. Is he solely responsible for any other part of the kids' day? Does he keep them quiet then so that you can sleep/rest/sit in silence?
Yea you’re going to have to tell us why he gets to roll out of bed at 8:30. Does he work until 3 am?
Someone’s a jerk here, but it’s not you.
He's actually cleaning the dishes/kitchen right now! He pulls most of his weight around the house. He works 9 to 5:30 and goes to bed around midnight. I honestly don't mind getting up with the girls, I enjoy our mornings together. I had thought about asking him to alternate getting the girls, but I sleep better if I get up every day at the same time. So it's better for me to just do mornings.
It’s very unclear to me as to why he’s not getting up to help out in the morning. I would be so irritated if H left me handle the morning routine everyday and then had the gall to whine about us being loud.
It’s very unclear to me as to why he’s not getting up to help out in the morning. I would be so irritated if H left me handle the morning routine everyday and then had the gall to whine about us being loud.
I don't need his help in the morning, so it's not an issue of him not helping. He's truly not needed. I just don't feel like staying super quiet just so he can sleep in. You already get a free morning, sorry it's noisy. 😂
It’s very unclear to me as to why he’s not getting up to help out in the morning. I would be so irritated if H left me handle the morning routine everyday and then had the gall to whine about us being loud.
I don't need his help in the morning, so it's not an issue of him not helping. He's truly not needed. I just don't feel like staying super quiet just so he can sleep in. You already get a free morning, sorry it's noisy. 😂
Well, he can absolutely stop with the whining. I would get it if everyone was being loud early on a weekend morning, but it’s during the week. People have school and work. Sorry, not sorry that the kids getting to school on time is a bother.
(Clearly I have my own irritations right now. Don’t take offense.)
He lives with other people. It's ok to be on a different schedule, but you don't get to dictate what everyone else in the house does on their time. There are viable options for reducing noise that he's refusing to try. He can get up with the family or not be a grumpy gus about the noise.
Post by sofamonkey on Aug 17, 2023 21:48:11 GMT -5
There’s no reason he needs to go to bed so damn late and sleep in every morning. That’s 6.5(!) hours of non work time before bed. That’s ridiculous. Beyond, actually.
The household gets up and has needs starting at 6am. You need to raise the bar a bit here. And also stop making excuses for terrible behavior.
Note - I’m grouchy. So, I’ve curbed niceties and gone straight for the jugular. Lol sorry
Post by slbride2003 on Aug 17, 2023 21:49:24 GMT -5
What are your respective work schedules? His seems more than reasonable to be up earlier even if not part of the kid routine. I generally get DS ready in the morning, but H is awake and having his coffee. No way would I tiptoe around him unless he worked nights and it was his only time to sleep.
I'm assuming the overall home/childcare balance works for you, but not his silly fussing.
If you want to keep the status quo, leave your phone in the room playing pink or brown noise until everyone heads downstairs. It isn't a whole machine and he'll be too groggy to argue with you. When it works, he can thank you.
Post by nancybotwin on Aug 17, 2023 21:54:17 GMT -5
DH and I have a similar routine and schedule. I’m solely responsible for getting three kids out of the house in the morning. I don’t yell across the house, but I also don’t try to keep the noise down. I don’t think DH would dare complain, because he knows what he would hear back from me. If this routine works well enough for you that you’re willing to do the mornings alone, he should consider himself lucky and not say a word about the noise.
Post by goldengirlz on Aug 17, 2023 21:54:44 GMT -5
I’ll resist the urge to be snarky.
The serious answer is he should get a white noise machine or a fan if the noise is bothering him so much.
Now I’ll say this: it’s very likely you have a raw deal, just the way you’re talking about him doing the dishes like we should be impressed. HOWEVER, taking you at face value, if your job is to get the kids ready — AND assuming he does something in kind, like put them to bed or get up with them on the weekends — then, yes, you should keep the girls quiet. H and I used to alternate who gets up with our DC, and if it was someone’s morning to sleep in, the courteous thing is to actually let them sleep in. So if you resent him for that, then you shouldn’t have agreed to the deal in the first place, and you should tell him to pull his damn weight.*
*And it doesn’t need to be in the mornings. But it should be enough that we’re not even having this conversation.
As someone who actually works night shift, I have never asked my babysitter or husband to alter anything with the kids. I sleep with a white noise machine and a fan. If he wants quiet, he needs to figure out something on his end.
Hell no. We have basically the same situation (I’m a SAHM and get up at 6 to get the dog walked, breakfast made, kids out the door by 8) and DH works from home and gets up at about 8:30 (no complaints from me on this! He works really hard - in fact it’s 11pm now, I’m in bed scrolling and he’s still downstairs working. Our different schedules work for us and I don’t need/want help). I try not to be a pain in the ass and purposely wake him but I don’t bother being super quiet and have been known to yell up the stairs for the kids to get up. If I know he had a crazy late night or something I’ll try to be quiet, but he doesn’t ask typically and I would be annoyed if he did
Post by goldengirlz on Aug 17, 2023 22:09:17 GMT -5
To tl;dr my novel above, the issue is that you’re both being EXTREMELY passive aggressive. “Letting” him sleep in but then not really because you’re jealous … while he doesn’t seem to appreciate the favor AT ALL by refusing to turn on some white noise … none of this is healthy.
I'd need to know what the agreement is before I can decide.You like your mornings with the kids, he's not needed and you don't want to sleep later. But you're jealous he sleeps in. And also he doesn't sleep in. Ear plugs have been life changing for me, but it seems like there's more going on there.
Post by heyyounotyouyou on Aug 17, 2023 22:19:32 GMT -5
Is there a good reason he goes to bed at midnight given the situation? He could always adjust his sleep hours (to get the same amount of sleep - if not more) if this is truly bothering him.
He needs to find a solution himself. Bitching to you and kids isn’t a solution.
My husband and I have this arrangement. Except he does the mornings (well, I take my daughter to school, but it's literally I sashay downstairs 1 minute befoe departure). It's been this way since my children were born. I do nights, he does mornings. I'm a night owl, he's an early riser.
Yeah, it can be noisy and wake me sometimes. But I would light myself on fire before I complained about it. The older my kids get, the better a deal it is for me to be the night person. I'm not messing that up.
I have to leave for work around 7am so my husband has to get our 4 kids up and out the door alone. I know how hard that is so I do anything I can to do my share, like laying out all their clothes, backpacks packed, etc. I used to do all the school lunches ( for like 7 years) but my H has recently taken that off my plate since he doesn’t mind it and I hate doing it.
This would be true if she were the only one getting ready. But she isn't the one making the noise.
Getting a single child ready is completely different from managing sibling dynamics, keeping them quiet *and* getting them ready. Doing what he expects would quadruple the effort involved in my house, raise the tension and almost always fail. On the rare occasion we did succeed, keeping quiet would use up all the masking/self control energy my kids had and lead to terrible moods and meltdowns during the second part of the morning.
The serious answer is he should get a white noise machine or a fan if the noise is bothering him so much.
Now I’ll say this: it’s very likely you have a raw deal, just the way you’re talking about him doing the dishes like we should be impressed. HOWEVER, taking you at face value, if your job is to get the kids ready — AND assuming he does something in kind, like put them to bed or get up with them on the weekends — then, yes, you should keep the girls quiet. H and I used to alternate who gets up with our DC, and if it was someone’s morning to sleep in, the courteous thing is to actually let them sleep in. So if you resent him for that, then you shouldn’t have agreed to the deal in the first place, and you should tell him to pull his damn weight.*
*And it doesn’t need to be in the mornings. But it should be enough that we’re not even having this conversation.
I mean sure, if it’s a weekend and you can hustle the girls downstairs or somewhere else in the house.
But they are getting ready for school and need to access their bedrooms and bathroom. It’s not fair to expect two children to remain silent every morning while getting ready for the day.
Post by imojoebunny on Aug 17, 2023 22:42:25 GMT -5
Nope. Not a jerk. Buy him some ear plugs or noise cancelling head phones and keep on. If your not screaming and blasting music, he needs to get over. If you need to occasionally scream to get your kids out the door, we’ll, that’s normal.
Also, my husband just started working from home 100% of the time and is CONSTANTLY bitching that the kids are being too loud. He even complains when I ask my parents to babysit while I go out and texts me about how loud they are being. I worked at home for a year during covid so I get it, but it’s literally impossible to keep kids quiet.
Even if you're happy with your respective household roles, why can't he shift his sleeping schedule so that he doing his tasks in the morning at the same time. Then there's no chance of it impacting his sleep. Otherwise, he needs to not complain about this. Ear plugs, sound machine, pillow over his head, anything but complain like a whiny baby.
Post by wanderingback on Aug 17, 2023 23:12:40 GMT -5
No you’re not a jerk. They’re small children, what does he expect?
Now if it was just you getting ready and you were slamming drawers and listening to music on your phone, that’d be a different story.
I’m definitely the early riser/early take care of the baby in our family (my partner actually takes care of her more than me and does all of the cooking and half the cleaning) and if he told me to whisper in the mornings (especially if he wouldn’t wear earplugs or get a sound machine) I would laugh in his face.